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Original poster

Anyone else found their dh/dp isn't really what they thought after years together?

48 replies

UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 09:18

I've decided to split with my husband and suddenly the blinkers are off. I'm realising he's not the man I thought he was.

Has anyone else found this? I can't believe he could keep up an act for so long or have I just ignored things. No, to be honest yesterday and today when he got wind somethings up he is definitely not nice.

He'll be so embarassed when it's over. I know that'll be his main worry, telling people.

OP posts:
anorak · 16/03/2006 09:21

It's very easy to fall in love with their potential.

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 09:28

yes but after 17 years?? He has a lot of good points don't get me wrong but I can't believe how he can be.

I'm sad about it but to be honest feel so free now.

OP posts:
anorak · 16/03/2006 09:40

Perhaps he changed over the years. People do.

crazydazy · 16/03/2006 09:42

People grow apart don't they?

Sometimes I look at DP and think "can we actually stay together even when the kids grow older and leave home?" Not really sure if I can answer that. I love him lots but sometimes think the kids are what binds us together.

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 09:43

Yes I know. I was young when I met him and he's a lot older so he was an adult when we met. The main problem's always been there.

Anyway it's over now just have to wait a bit because of circumstances and then we'll talk about how we'll split. It's going to be really hard but I know plenty of single mums who are surviving. He is a good dad so the kids won't go without.

OP posts:
Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 09:46

yes crazydazy I thought like that. We have nothing in common.

One thing I've just noticed - must've had blinkers on before - is that if he's in male company he'll totally ignore me if he can talk about sport. No doubt others will say this is normal but I call it ignorant. He'll even do it if there aren't any females or guys I can talk to.

OP posts:
crazydazy · 16/03/2006 09:50

I think really you sound like your mind is made up Ullysees, the way I look at it is why stay together and be miserable just for the sake of the children. I think you have done the right thing. Smile

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 09:55

thanks crazydazy. I haven't gone about this lightly as I think when children are involved you have to earn your way out. I've tried over the years and just ended up a shadow of my former self. He'd just say we don't have a problem?
For the past year my closest friends have said I'm just not right. No one knew. Now the ones I can trust and my mum know and they're so shocked. Only my mam knows the whole truth about why I'm leaving. I told my doctor and she thinks I'm doing the right thing. I had to go there for a medical problem which I now think is stress related. It's amazing how much you can push into your subconscious mind and how much harm it can do.

OP posts:
notasheep · 16/03/2006 09:57

And life is too short,think we often forget that we only have one.

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 10:00

I've been thinking that lately.

Dh's mum has lived a lie for years, she told me as we're very close. She's lovely but you can see how it affects her.

OP posts:
crazydazy · 16/03/2006 10:07

You hit the nail on the head there notasheep.

My Dad left my Mum when I was 4 then he came back and left her again when I was 12, both times she was pregnant. She has never ever met another man since he left and I am now 34. She completely wasted the whole of her life just because she met the wrong man at age 19.

I feel so sorry but frustrated with her because when I was in my teens I pleaded with her to get out and meet someone else and she didn't have the confidence in herself to do it.

I always swore I would never be like this.

She's now 53 and has put on a lot of weight. My youngest sister is 21 and will be leaving home soon, she will be on her own with no-one to talk to.

What a life Sad

notasheep · 16/03/2006 10:07

And then we die and so does the shit relationship.

Recently a girlfriend of mine died,one day i was visiting her at home and her dh was there looking after her.I sat by her side and she said he doesnt give a fuck about me.It was horrid.There she was dying and saying that.
At least she had fantastic support from her friends.
Women are amazing at supporting each other.

crazydazy · 16/03/2006 10:13

How sad Sad

bluejelly · 16/03/2006 10:28

My ex-ex was a bit like that, got on great as girlfriend-boyfriend. Completely fell apart when we had a child. Quite a shock in fact

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 10:43

crazydazy, my dad died when mum was 56. She had a pretty shit marriage. Went out lots after that and has now been living with her boyfriend (lot younger than her) for 16 years so you never know?

sorry about your friend notasheep Sad

OP posts:
crazydazy · 16/03/2006 13:05

Trouble with my Mum is she lacks confidence in herself and now she's put on weight she believes there is no way she would get anyone else. She didn't have confidence in herself 20 years ago come to think of it.

How she has gone without sex for 20 years though, I will never understand - must take after my Dad Grin. God I hope not, he has 8 kids by 4 different women!

rummum · 16/03/2006 13:12

I wonder...what happened to that man I married.. I mean he used to make me laugh, was thoughtful, caring, sociable...

diddle · 16/03/2006 14:00

rummum - i knew that man two, now he's turned into a lazy, lodger, often doesn't feel like the same person, and i wonder what i'm doing. I do love him, to pieces, but just wish i could see that person who obviously tried so hard to impress me and doesn't seem to think im worth the effort anymore. Of course relationships change, and you get more relaxed and comfortable with one another, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun, or make each other laugh the way we used to. I often want to relive the past.

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 18:48

Crazydazy, does she have any hobbies? I really feel for her. Would she consider an assertiveness course? I know some people who went on these and they really helped them.

rummum, dh and I rarely laugh together. I love to socialise and have a ball with my friends and family and the kids but not with him.

OP posts:
Orinoco · 16/03/2006 22:37

rumdum and diddle - are you married to my dh too?

rummum · 16/03/2006 22:41

rumdum rumdum... who the bloody hell is rumdum... Wink

its nice to know its not just my DH..
Of course I haven't change at all... still witty (!) and my usual little ray of sunshine self....

Orinoco · 16/03/2006 22:59

Blush oops sorry rummum

Original poster
UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 17/03/2006 08:40

I'm beginning to despise mine more by the day Angry It's amazing what you see once those blinkers fall! I'm crying way too much though and people are starting to ask questions re: my eyes. I suppose it's natural and will calm down?

OP posts:
crazydazy · 17/03/2006 14:39

Hope you are feeling a bit better Ulysees. What was your old name by the way?

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 16:22

Thanks Crazydazy, Ulysees is my name Smile just added the other bit for Easter but tired of it now Wink