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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else found their dh/dp isn't really what they thought after years together?

48 replies

UlyseesEggsAndEatsThem · 16/03/2006 09:18

I've decided to split with my husband and suddenly the blinkers are off. I'm realising he's not the man I thought he was.

Has anyone else found this? I can't believe he could keep up an act for so long or have I just ignored things. No, to be honest yesterday and today when he got wind somethings up he is definitely not nice.

He'll be so embarassed when it's over. I know that'll be his main worry, telling people.

OP posts:

Molton · 17/03/2006 17:17

Ulysees

Another point of view. I may be way off mark - I'm not in your shoes.

Is it definitely over? Can't tell from your post what all the issues are, but could some of them be bad habits that you've fallen into over the years.

Have you told him you're leaving? His reaction might be very telling.

I am coming to this from a particular angle as am in a similar situation myself but the other way round ('tho no kids and DH dropped the bombshell) I thought being married was the end of things, rather than the start, so didn't really listen to what he needed and always got my own way etc. He got mugged, I got clingy and suffocated him. His work got busy, I didn't understand etc. Genuinely didn't realise (!) that you have to work at it. I was devastated - still am, fell apart, lost a stone in a fortnight etc. (silver lining!). We are now going to Relate and the future looks good I hope.

For me,the 2 things that mean it will be OK are:

DH loves me more than anything in the world (his words!) but it all went wrong and he basically couldn't live with me. His thing was that he couldn't stand up to me (sure as hell can now though!)

I love him just as much, and will spend the rest of my life learning to be what he needs. I'm just glad to be given another chance.

But all the things you've said about your H, mine has thought about me (felt bad for a year - tried to do things about it (except having the frank "we have a real relationship-threatening problem here" conversation)

Questions: Do you still love him? If he changed to be what you need, would you want it to work?

Again, my situation is not yours, but wanted to tell you about it. The Relate Book "Staying together, from Crisis to commitment" helped me understand how and why it happened for us.

Lol

crazydazy · 17/03/2006 18:04

Ulysees, just saw on the other thread that your rising sign is scorpio, same as me.

I thought we had a lot in common

I am aquarius but also have a lot of scorpion in me.

Sorry for the hijack of the thread.

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 18:33

Hi Crazydazy, yes we have a lot in common. The rising sign is very important don't you think?

Thank you for your post Molton. My marriage isn't the same as yours by the sounds of it. I'm so happy for you though, really I am

I married him at a very vulnerable time for me. He's 13 years older. In all the years I've had to initiate lovemaking. He never kisses me. There are other things but that is the main thing. I've tried everything and in a gentle manner. He has enough time for his own interests and passions but no passion for me. He does love me dearly but not in the right way.

If he said he'd go for sex therapy I would feel gutted. The thought of him now repulses me I stopped trying a year ago and he's never bothered!

I've joked on here about sex in the past as you pretend everything is ok. To be honest I'm always thinking back to past boyfriends when I discuss sex as it was good then.

My Mum is gutted, more for the fact that I've kept it quiet. You don't go screaming it from the rooftops though do you? Plus I said to her when dad was kicking sh*% out of you who did you tell? She put up with that for years. Not the same thing but you get the drift?

So many women stay for the sake of the kids but I know for a fact that I'll be much happier once I make the break. I know he won't be but then that's up to him, he had plenty of chances.

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 18:37

By the way not bragging but I'm slim and attractive so it's not that. I was like a model when he met me and in fact did some. I know looks don't make you have sex appeal but apparently I have that too or so I'm told. My friends would die of shock if they knew, only my closest friend does plus mum and a friend in another country (Wales you know who you are ;) ) Oh and another friend a bit further away...blimey I do go on

foxinsocks · 17/03/2006 18:38

bad sex is so disappointing

amazed you stayed around for 17 years - I'm sure once he's out of the house, you'll start feeling better

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 18:44

Oh I know foxinsocks

Not going to rush into anything though and kill me if I ever live with another man! But a bit of fun won't go amiss.

blueteddy · 17/03/2006 18:45

You sound like you have definitely made up your mind.
Good luck to you - you sound very strong.

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 18:47

thank you blue teddy I feel empowered now. It will be hard to begin with but for the best. It's just the kids I worry for but better they have a happy mum.

verysadthistime · 17/03/2006 18:50

Ulysees, your comment on the fact that you would be repulsed if he tried it with you is probably the most telling.

I guess you have to seperate, I'm sure if he was aware of your feelings he would be horrified, but it is not something you can psych yourself into.
Even if you fixed the other stuff, you can't be in a relationship with somebody who " turns you off".

You say your good looking, well I guess make the break, and get out there and try and live a little.

Obviously some fun and ego boosting is the medicine needed.

Not to make light of your situation, but in the long run it looks like everybody involved will be better off, although a few years of pain might be involved for dh.

vstt

blueteddy · 17/03/2006 19:03

It is indeed more important for the children to have a happy Mum.
Is he aware that you are unhappy?

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 19:24

thanks for your posts.

yes he is aware as today I went shopping with his secretary who's a friend of mine and she said how worried he is about me. He's just getting scared though. I know he does love me as I've said but not the way a husband should. We're poles apart but will remain friends I'm sure.

blueteddy · 17/03/2006 19:29

It will be really tough for you both at first, but like you say, you only get one life & if you are not 100% happy, it is best to do something about it.
I admire your strength - can you send some to me!

FioFio · 17/03/2006 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

drosophila · 17/03/2006 19:44

Not sure if this is of interest but I have a friend who was in a sexless relationship (she would always initiate sex)for years. She tried everything nothing worked. They would have long tearful chats and things would change for a while and then they would slip back into the old ways.

Eventually she had two (possibly more) affairs and he got to know about them and then it all came out. There was some deep deep problem he had that the crisis of her affairs brought to the fore. He had been in denial and didn't seem to realise it himself. I'm not sure what it was cos it was too personal but there was a dramatic change. Three kids and a marriage later she is very happy.

crazydazy · 17/03/2006 20:09

Like I said Fiofio it was a comment to Ulysees from another thread we both took part in.

I did apologise for the hijack

FioFio · 17/03/2006 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

crazydazy · 17/03/2006 20:16

Being a rising scorpio though does make Ulysees a strong woman and we can all see that

Ulysees · 17/03/2006 20:56

thanks all,
drosophila she probably still fancied him though I'm guessing? There's more than just no shagging with us though, he's becoming more like a dad. Anyway I'm going but just have to wait a few months.

sending strengh vibes for blueteddy......

nooka · 17/03/2006 21:23

I am separated from my dh, and when I am angry with him all his niggly bad habits (as well as some of the really bad things he has done) really come to the fore, and make me feel completely justified in thinking that my life would be much better without him. When I am feeling more loving, those faults all seem unimportant, his good points (and these are real too) shine through, and I start to hope desperately that we can put things back together. I am sure that this is a pretty normal coping mechanism. It's not that the faults aren't there, and many of them have been there since the beginning of the relationship, it's just that you spend a lot of time thinking about it, and they seem completely insurmountable. Also other people may emphasise the faults too (ie - "I can't believe you stayed with him so long, I always thought he was x and y"). This is partly to support you, and partly because people will think they don't have to be polite anymore, so they will tell you the truth. Also if you have a lot of back history (I have been with dh for 15 years) then there will be a lot of resentments you can dig up if you really want to.

Ulysees · 18/03/2006 09:47

So what are you trying to say nooka? You think I'm making a mistake?

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 14:38

Ulysees - thread hijack alert!

Molton - your situation is very similar to mine - My dh is currently trying to make up his mind about our marriage - horrendous for us both, I am desparate that he gives us another chance. The thought of ending our marriage is tearing me apart. Its so easy to drift along isnt it, not realising that marriage needs to be worked at.

Ulysees apologies for hijack

workingmumnhs · 19/03/2006 14:40

I have been with DP for 5 years. Met someone else last summer. It all came out and DP and I tried to work things out but I can't do it. I just don't feel the same anymore. I am now trying to find somewhere else to live. DP doesn't know any of this. I want to know where i am going before creating a atmosphere for DD (3)

I really thing this is my only option. I can't go on pretending.

So I know where you are coming from and I'm glad to feel there are others in my situation

JoolsToo · 19/03/2006 15:11

maybe it's not that he's not the man you thought he was, more your expectations have changed?

I don't know your situation of course, but I don't think anyone is 100% fabbo, we all have faults and our annoying little habits, it's how serious you feel they are and whether you are prepared to put up with them.

I would imagine leaving is not easy and wish you luck with what every you decide to do.

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