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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is the right thing to do: MIL

29 replies

everybodywalkthedinosaur · 04/09/2012 22:28

I posed under a different name about issues I had with MIL when DD was born. Certain things had been going on for a while, and I finally stood up for myself. It caused a lot of issues between DH and myself, as she's always behaved in that manner towards him, and it just goes over the top of his head. Very overbearing, domineering and belittling towards DH and myself.

Basically I said that I didn't want to see her, and therefore she wouldn't see DD as DD is solely on the boob. There's obviously a lot of back story but I got advice in regards to that before. Now all I want is a proper apology, and therefore an acknowledgment of what was wrong. This hasn't happened. It's now been three months. I think it's ridiculous as she's missing out on DD. However I need an apology.

What would you do? Sometimes I feel bad as she hasn't seen DD for three months now. However DH sends her photos and keeps her updated so she's got a long distance relationship, if that makes.sense. I don't know if she will apologise as I would have thought that she would have by now!

OP posts:
Original poster
everybodywalkthedinosaur · 04/09/2012 22:30

I should add that the situation is not because she's my MIL, if it was my mother I'd feel the same.

OP posts:
Nospringflower · 04/09/2012 22:31

It's difficult to say without knowing what happened before but I think demanding apologies is rarely productive.

Fuchzia · 04/09/2012 22:38

I think it's unfair to deny your DD a realationship with her GM because you expect an apology. Exclusively BF is only for a short period of time so very soon your DH should be able to take her for a day to visit granny or something. I ebf but expressed on rare occasions to leave my DS's for a day. As for if you should wait for an apology, hard to say. I find it easier to smile and ignore my MIL. She seems to enjoy confrontation and drama but I rise above it.

panicnotanymore · 04/09/2012 22:41

I think you are putting you DH in a very conflicted position and it must be hell for him. I also think it would be valuable for your DD to learn the smell and sound of her granny. Families fight, and fall out, but when the sh*t hits the fan they are often the people we can most rely on. If it were me I'd extend an olive branch.

OTTMummA · 04/09/2012 22:43

I haven't spoken to my own brother for over 3 yrs now because he won't apologise to me,,, im not really bothered tbh, i realised a few months ago that is isn't such a big loss to me.
I know people will think im a bitch for thinking that, but it is true.
I wouldn't want my children around someone who thought they could disrespect me and not have a consequnce.
It is her own fault she doesn't have a relationship with her GD, if it was important enough she would just say sorry.

SingingSands · 04/09/2012 22:49

I think that life is short and there's nothing to gain by issuing ultimatums or demanding apologies.

Families are complicated, you have to work at these relationships. Sometimes you have to accept that you won't get along with someone and find a compromise so that other family members don't get hurt in the crossfire.

annh · 04/09/2012 22:53

It's difficult to say anything without knowing at least a bit more about the issues involved. I'm not sure how old your daughter is or how far away your MIL lives but are you sure you are not using breastfeeding as a valid, but convenient, excuse to stop her from seeing your DD? What will happen when she is feeding less or will take a bottle? will you be happy for her to visit her GM then?

thetrackisback · 04/09/2012 23:09

I'm in the same position but with a step mil. There is a lot of back story to this but I've always tried to be her friend and I thought she was mine. I recently had twins and had three children under three at one point and had post natal depression. My FIL has dementia and wasn't being that nice to the kids so on her advice we have stayed away and given space. She has now turned it round that we don't care, my pnd was me whinging and I sit at home on my arse whilst I work husband like a dog was amongst the highlights! They have't asked about the kds. I can't move forward without an apology and I don't want someone in my kids life who clearly don't care or have compassion for their parents. Life is too short I AGREE. As most of the criticism was personal attacks about things I can't change (ie my nice house) then yes I think I deserve an apology! (my husband is not conflicted he hates the bitch!) it has got worse because I had counselling and issues about the lack of assertiveness so I've become assertive and people don't like it!

OTTMummA · 04/09/2012 23:25

thetrackisback that's how i feel, i have put up with a lot, i mean a lot of crap and abusive behaviour from people, many from my own family during my life and over the last 4-5 yrs i have started to cut out the ones that i have no time for, who bring nothing to my life.
I don't do it all dramatically, i just stop making an effort and eventually that relationship just withers and dies, which i don't mind at all!
I decided a while ago that my life is too short to keep nasty people around me who treat me with no respect, i will not waste my energy on them anymore.

Original poster
everybodywalkthedinosaur · 04/09/2012 23:40

DH wants her to apologise to me. There's always comments made when he can't hear them. Personally I don't want DD around people who talk to, and treat, her parents as MIL does, so bf isn't an excuse. I think that if MIL did care about DD she'd apologise. I think life is too short to have people in it who make you unhappy. If I go around there it's sending the message that it's fine to do what she did as I'll go to her. Apparently I'm the first person who's ever stood up to her.

OP posts:
thetrackisback · 05/09/2012 00:10

Are we related and have the same mil? The problem is she probably won't

thetrackisback · 05/09/2012 00:10

Change!

lisaro · 05/09/2012 02:13

Without knowing what she's done it's impossible to say. But to turn your argument on its head you're depriving your child of a grandparent that would love them for an apology that may or may not be deserved.

Jacksmania · 05/09/2012 02:16

I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to say this anymore but I think I remember your previous thread about this and if you're the poster I'm thinking of, YADNBU and deserve a few hundred apologies.

Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 02:49

Grin JM!

You stick it out for your apology, OP. If she's as bad as she sounds, then your DD won't miss out on much by not seeing her anyway. She might love your DD, but she might be just as much of a bitch to her as well as to you and your DH; admittedly you can't know but she's already showing signs that your DD just isn't important enough to her for her to back down, so fuckit, keep holding out.

Can't be doing with the concept that contact with relatives is so important regardless of how toxic said relatives are

suburbophobe · 05/09/2012 02:51

You will never get her apology, she is too set in her ways and believes she is right (to the extent of refusing to see her grandchild). If she wants to have a LDR with her grandchild that is her choice.

She is trying to manipulate you. What side is your DH on, actually?

The only way you can deal with it is not to jump through her hoops.

Good luck and don't back down.

Jacksmania · 05/09/2012 05:47

Sorry Thumb :o

EdithWeston · 05/09/2012 07:04

It doesn't sound as if she's in good shape either - caring for someone with dementia is really demanding, she could be just as depressed and isolated/lonely, and she is just plain envious of you and wishes she could swop your problems for hers.

Yes, she should have kept these feelings to her confidences (if she still has any - presumably she can't easily see anyone now). But I think what she did is less hostile than the implacable ultimatum you are giving her now.

No, she isn't going to apologise after 3 months. No, she won't ever see it differently, because she is with a person who is less and less her husband, who cannot be left (easily or at all), may not be talking much to anyone else, and could be highly vulnerable.

If you will not consider an olive branch, will you please at least get DH to ensure that someone is aware of her circumstances, and is ready to give her some company and practical help.

gimmecakeandcandy · 05/09/2012 07:13

I don't believe in all this depriving gp's of the grandkids bollocks either. If she has been awful to you then you have been perfectly reasonable to deny her visits. Stop being bothered by her - just remember her actions caused this - you are not at fault so get on with your life and be happy you don't need to deal with her toxic behaviour any more.

Are you sure she won't eventually try to see your child behind your back and with your husband's help? You had best make it clear to him that this should never happen.

am curious as to what she did though so please tell us

brass · 05/09/2012 08:07

If she was bothered about family harmony she would have made moves to resolve any issues with you so that she could see her grandchild. Clearly it isn't that important to her if it's been 3months.

elizaregina · 05/09/2012 12:08

your not going to get fair comments as no one knows the back story!

what would you do if you were her? for the sake of seeing your GC would you aologise?

I have been in similar situ - my mil was horrific to me and nearly sent me or maybe did - into a break down, she was the straw that broke the camels back at a very difficult time. my dad asked them to apologise to me and they said i should be apologising to them.

since then whenever i have had to see her she has acted like the wounded party, even though SHE out of the blue verbally attacked me for about two hours!!!!

I was in such shock - I didnt even really argue back or say things i would have loved to have said!

tbh even if she did aologise - its too little too late.

if your dh agrees she should apologise then he should stop contact with her and sending pics etc until she does.

personally - afert " exposing" dd to my pils for 4+ years - I now cannot see whats healthy about it at all - they have not shown any respect for us in that time, dreadfull rude to DH infront of her and she worships her daddy....mil is rude to me....you wouldnt even know they are her gp's they have seen her on a regular basis and she has never warmed to them.

i would love to just totally cut them off - and dh has totally minimsed contact now - but still has FOG issues...

your feeling sorry for her - is she feeling sorry for you! NO>

would you apologise, i think under most circs - i would....life is too fragile for egos to get in the way...but i wouldnt want my dc exposed to someone who has such an ego they wont apologise!

LemonBreeland · 05/09/2012 12:17

I agree that if your DH agrees that an apology is in order he should not be updating her. He is making it look like he agrees with his Mother by continuing contact with her.

Think I remember your story and I don't see a benefit in having your DD around her tbh.

ljny · 05/09/2012 12:33

I also think I remember your story and this woman would not be good for your baby.

An apology would say she thinks she was wrong and will try to change.

She thinks she was right and will continue her vicious, horrid behavior. Your child doesn't need that.

I'm sorry you don't have decent grandparents for your baby.

Original poster
everybodywalkthedinosaur · 05/09/2012 22:46

Sorry, have had my hands full with DD today! I am an awful.self doubter, so even when I'm completely in the right I'll talk things through in my head so much that it'll feel like I'm wrong.
Had a good, unemotional, talk with DH tonight. He agrees that it is odd that she doesn't seem to want the situation improve. Also he said that he'd never take DD somewhere by himself without my permission; I didn't make him say that! I think he meant to places that I'd be unhappy about as opposed to spontaneous trips to the park, which works both ways. I think she's going to put pressure on him, especially with the dreaded event 3 and a bit months away.

But I didn't create this situation. I've just stood up for myself against somebody who isn't used to that! Also her husband doesn't have dementia, I don't know where that's come from! Talking to DH tonight has helped, as has this so thank you.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 23:14

I think that bit about the dementia is someone assuming you're a different poster to who you are, Everybody.

I'm very glad your DH is supporting you in this - that's how it should be - and your MIL will have made her own bed, as it were, and will have to lie in it.