Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice needed

35 replies

pinkkoala · 04/09/2012 22:14

quite a long story will try to be short and to the point.
i want to leave dh, he is aggresive, bullying, likes to belittle people, doesnt work for last yr, i work partime and pay all the bills, he basically lives here for free. he often upsets 7yr old dd, he is constantly shouting at her etc.
i have got solicitor and want to divorce on unreasonable behaviour, she is saying the courts will throw it out as not enough grounds.
also i want him to leave, but obviously he isnt gohng to, why would he want to, everything free.
how do i go about looking for somewhere to rent, would i get housing benefit, i work partime and earn appox 450 a mnth, this is topped up with child benefit nd child tax credit, would i be entitled to working tax credit and surely i have given enough reasons for unreasonable behaviour.
can anybody advise, i feel trapped and havent felt this low.

OP posts:
rainbowdiva · 04/09/2012 22:19

Hi
sorry you are going through this, however there is hope. I would suggest seeing another solicitor, they are supposed to help you Confused can you get a half hour free appointment? Have you made a list of what you see as his unreasonable behaviour?
How many hours do you work? there is a website, called entitled to, which should help in terms of seeing what financial help you will get.

maggiemuggins · 04/09/2012 22:26

How much you would get depends on how many hours you work as well as your income, but it sounds like you could get working tax credit, housing benefit and council tax benefit, unless you have any other source of income or savings. Have a look at www.turn2us.org.uk, you can check all of your benefits entitlement in one place and it's pretty easy to use.
Can I suggest you try your local Citizens Advice Bureau, it sounds like you might also be eligible for legal aid and they can refer you to a local solicitor.
Good luck.

Original poster
pinkkoala · 04/09/2012 22:28

i am contracted to 16 hrs a wk but do anything from 16 to 30 depending on shifts and covering. i am getting legal aid with current solicitor so i think it would be hard to find someone else.
what constitutes unreasonable behaviour.
he is just so smug and it is really getting to me, he does nothing and isnt really looking for work. i do it all and am so tired and want to cry all the time, he refuses point blank to leave. so maybe i have to, but does that mean giving up my rights to the joint mortaged house. he would also run up debts and not pay bills etc.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 04/09/2012 22:34

Unreasonable behaviour covers a very broad range of behaviours...and I am very surprised that your solicitor has been so unhelpful. I think you need a different person. The behaviour does not have to be extreme (though it certainly seems like your DH is):

from your OP
aggressive behaviour,
excessive shouting at DD
lack of financial contribution to the household
Lack of emotional support to you

all you need is one more and some substantive (and if possible dated) examples and that would be ok for the court....he, of course, might contest it, but he might contest anything.

I would see at least 2 solicitors with a special interest in family law for a free half hour (not all do this but lots do) and go with the one who you click with best. Personal recommendation at the school gate is quite a good place to start (or the legal board here).

i would try www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx as a great starter for benefits etc. Then CAB.

it is unlikely that you will be worse off as he is not contributing at present (I am actually better off amazingly as he was expensive to run).

foolonthehill · 04/09/2012 22:37

PS if you move out you do not give up your rights to the house if it is in both of your names and as you can demonstrate that you have been contributing financially. In fact if you go to court and can afford to stay there the court may well grant you to stay in the house and kick him out with the equity being divided at a later date.

If you go for a clean break divorce then the equity will be divided between you. Or he could buy you out (ha, ha, ha)

Original poster
pinkkoala · 04/09/2012 22:43

i am sure i would mange financially as it would be just me and dd and i pay all bills and food now.
how would i go about renting, how long would it take, i have no criminal record, am crb checked for my job but my finances arent that good, no ccjs.
also we have joint account, no savings but he put it overdrawn to which i didnt know til statement arrived he rang building society and they have agreed to up overdraft limit, i wasnt even asked by anybody can they do this and how do i go about taking my name off.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 05/09/2012 09:51

taking your name off the joint account MAY need his signature depending on the terms and conditions. You can check these on-line without alerting him. In any case I would open a no-frills "basic" bank account like the Lloyds basic account (you can look up the best ones on money saving expert) they don't need a credit check and don't require a certain level of deposit per month. Transfer something like child benefit into this as it will be in your name only and will start to give you an individual financial profile.

For any joint credit cards where you are the main named card holder you can take his name off with a phone call and his card will no longer function. If he carries any cards in his name then you can take yourself off too.

As soon as you are on your own you can transfer tax credits etc into your sole name and have them paid into your separate account along with wages.

Don't know about renting. Why don't you phone an agency and find out? You don't even have to give your name. Ask what sort of properties they have available , what the "lead time" is for moving in, deposit levels and rent levels.

take care

Original poster
pinkkoala · 05/09/2012 18:35

things have got a whole lot worse. i am typing in tears, we had big row things got nasty i smacked him one he grabbed me by the face and pushed me against the wakt, in front of dd. he jtust keeps on and on at me til i react then gets nasty i cant take no more. he wants to keep touching me and i have said no, he makes my skin crawl, have ramg wa but their local office is closed. he told me if i send petition he will fight for dd. feel so traqed.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 05/09/2012 18:39

16 hrs is fine for WTC if you are a lone parent.

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 18:41

Call the police.

Trazzletoes · 05/09/2012 18:42

Ok, well being clinical, there's another example of unreasonable behaviour... I hope you and DD are ok.

If you've already signed the Legal Aid forms it may be extremely difficult to change solicitors due to how they can claim payment for work done. Ie. depending on the stage you're at, new solicitors might not get paid at all for their work so wouldn't want to take the case on.

puds11 · 05/09/2012 18:43

I'm sure you have grounds for a divorce now, and you will be able to chuck him out. Call the police.

Original poster
pinkkoala · 05/09/2012 18:47

i have signed legal aid forms already so i think i have to stick with original sols.
feej sick and have no family jocally. i could move to my parents 70 mile away but would have no money and no job to support dd.
cant cope at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkkoala · 05/09/2012 18:52

oh and he keeps on and on digging and skitting at me til i react and then i have a go and he says i have angeq issues and he will come with me to get help and i have mental probs according to him and arent fit to have dd.
my life is not worth living if he got her. he does pod all for her, has no job and sits on his arse all day.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 18:57

Please call the police. Especially as he won't keep his hands off you. You also sound very distressed. The police know how these men work. Please they will take him away.

Original poster
pinkkoala · 05/09/2012 18:58

he has gone out, walking but has come bk for car. i should feel releif but i dont trust him, he could be up to anything and doing anything to prove in his words i am a bad mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkkoala · 05/09/2012 19:11

if i did go to my parents and take dd how long do u think work would let me have time off and could he then come and take dd. he has threatened me if i do and has also said he would punch my dads face in.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 19:12

CALL THE POLICE NOW

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 20:17

I'm hoping you called.....you ok op?

foolonthehill · 05/09/2012 20:44

hope you have called the police. they can take him away now. Or they can take you away to a refuge with DD. They can arrange for transport to your parents,

work can give discretionary compassionate leave contact them once you are safe.

Original poster
pinkkoala · 05/09/2012 22:38

too late. he went out earlier, came bk then i had call from the police as he reported me for smacking him. bastard. i had a visit and them told them the whole story while he was in seperate rm and they have asked him to leave, he is at his parents after i said i would leave with dd and go the 70 miles to mine. the police advised against it as it was late for dd.
i dont trust him. i told them he has had ltrs frm my sol already bout his threats and aggression. what do i do now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkkoala · 06/09/2012 07:41

.

OP posts:
bumhead · 06/09/2012 07:51

Are you ok Op?

foolonthehill · 06/09/2012 11:48

Face forward. Carry through, get in touch with WA today, get in touch with your solicitor for an order to keep him out of family home. Kepp mobile charged and with you and call 999 if he comes anywhere near. Don't engage with him in any way (text email phone direct) for a few days. You need to sort this out now and he will just make it seem impossible: it isn't .You can do this

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 11:53

It will be fine, you will be able to get court orders to keep him out, you do not need his permission to get rid of him. Best of luck.