he refuses to apologise...should I let it go?

[jammiedodger79]

Hi ladies,

I would really appreciate your views on whether you think I should make a big issue of this or let it go for a quiet life as I'm 4 weeks away from giving birth and pretty tearful and hormonal right now!

For the last few days my husband completley shut off from me for no apparent reason, has been totally miserable and I've been lucky to get a grunt in response to my attempts to start any conversations with him. I am on my own, feel very isolated in my flat due to my pregnancy and he is the main person I see at the moment. After being in the house all day, making sure all housework, dinners etc are done I get nothing from him whatsoever!
He has been making me feel totally worthless and increasingly grateful if he says more than a couple of words to me, and everything i say feels like I am just an annoyance to him.
I am a really laid back and generally happy person, I give him his space, don't ask for alot, never nag him about anything. He works during the day, goes to football 4x a week and I never complain about being on my own most of the time. Any time he spends at home is mostly with him on the internet. I really can't see how anything I have done could give him any reason to treat me like this. Also as soon as his phone rings he is all lovely and comes alive to whoever is speaking to him, it seems this behaviour is purely reserved for me.
For example,On our way to our antenatal class on saturday I was looking forward to it as it was the first day out together for ages and on the way there I made a few comments about how I was looking forward to it and what a good day it should be and he basically told me to shut up and stop going on about it. Ruined a potentially fun day!
It all got too much and I had it out with him on Sunday, calmly over dinner and he just said he's stressed. No apology, no recognition that he had upset me for days and just carried on being miserable.
Last night again I brought it up and tried to explain that if he is stressed (which he admits he has nothing really to be stressed about) then I am more than happy to listen, support him and do what I can to help him but am not here for him to take it out on. He will not see that he owes me an apology and flatly refused to say sorry and that I should stop being so self centred and just thinking of myself.
Is it not just basic manners to apologise when you have treated someone like crap? I could have been over it days ago if he only said that one word but now I feel like he has no respect for me or my feelings at all.
He has never ever aplologised to me off his own back for anything the whole time we have been together.
I have had no choice but to let it go, I don't want the build up to the birth to be horrible and believe me if I press the point he could go weeks without speaking to me and I can't stand it and always crack first and end up saying sorry for things I haven't done just because I don't want a miserable life!
We have had this issue in the past and I am convinced he can be very passive aggressive but recently this has seemed better although I have found myself playing the role of a good little housewife and letting so many things pass to keep the peace.
I love him, I wouldn't be with him otherwise but this is really grinding away at me and I am feeling that if I can't make him see that I deserve an apology when he has done wrong then its going to be a massive problem in the future.

Please let me know if I need to press this point, or just let it go. I'm upset and confused!

Thanks!

[izzyizin]

NEVER lose sight of the fact that you are not unreasonable but he is.

If you don't make a stand now the writing won't just be on this board, it'll be written large on the wall of the life you and your forthcoming dc will have with him.

[jammiedodger79]

we chose the new place together, also its not too far from friends usually but its just that I'm not travelling about at the moment and they are all working all day.

I do feel like I have changed myself a lot for this relationship, some in good ways eg before I got pregnant I cut right down my drinking which he saw as a problem (obv none at the moment) but I also feel that because I am always he doesn't get to know the real me if that makes sense.

Ok...deep breath, will HAVE to deal with this later.

[GoldenGeek]

Good luck Jammie we are all here cheering you on and supporting you

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I have changed myself a lot for this relationship"

A good man would love you as you are and boost your confidence. A bad man will keep finding fault, whether it exists or not, purely to smash your confidence.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Get something on your computer like webwatcher or something. Find out his passwords, read his phone. He is probably doing the dirty on you, sorry to say. Find out, if he's not cheating then he's being an arse. Find out whats going on then repost here when you KNOW 100% where you stand. His treatment of you is disgusting no matter what is 'the cause'
Do yourself a favour and turn detective babe. And facebook.. men are thick.. check the archived messages.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Sorry that should say some men.. not all, been out of the MN loop for some time, lol

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh Jammie Can you see the madness in YOU changing to be in this relationship when HE is the passive aggressive controlling one?

[izzyizin]

Sorry to say I'm another who suspects that he's got a hidden ow agenda but that's neither here nor there at the present time.

What matters is YOU and your forthcoming dc who doesn't deserve a life spent treading on eggshells around the 'man' of the house.

You may not feel that he knows the 'real you' but you know the 'real him' and it ain't a pretty sight.

It seems he does nothing whatsoever to enhance your life and if he won't shape up, ship him out before he does any more damage to your sense of self-worth - and make no mistake, honey, you're worth a darn sight more than him.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Just checking in to see if you're ok Jammie x

[dervlam]

Jammie, I had to post as I was in a very similar situation when I was pregnant with my ds. Cogito's advice seems spot on, and I wish I'd known about mumsnet four years ago.

Firstly, I think you're extremely brave for facing up to these difficulties in your relationship when you're only four weeks away from giving birth. Have you been as open with anyone in rl? It seems when you're pregnant that everyone you meet at nct etc has the perfect relationship and you're the only one having problems. You deserve to be treated with love, care, respect by your dp all the time, but particularly so when you're pregnant.

I moved far from friends and family to be with my ex when I was heavily pregnant. We'd lived together previously for many years and I'd been oblivious to his controlling, selfish ways. When I was pregnant, his selfishness took on another level - he was constantly tired, stressed and frequently angry with me. I basically became meek, compliant and constantly walked on egg shells to avoid confrontation. When my friend came to visit after I gave birth, she couldn't believe that I'd lost my spark and put it down to motherhood. It was actually due to the stress of living with my abusive ex.

Abuse comes in many forms, and whilst I don't know your situation, counselling has shown me that I was definitely in an abusive relationship.

Don't assume it will be better after your baby is born. My ex even caused my son's birth to be unnecessarily stressful with his selfish attitude.

My advice is to rally in your support network of friends and family - you need emotional support and love at this time and after the baby is born. Think strategically - if you decide to leave, do you have enough money etc?

The best thing that happened ti me was finding out my ex was having an affair when ds was six weeks old. It was the excuse I needed to leave. My life changed immediately, as living with someone who sucks all the joy is exhausting and stressful. I poured my love into my ds and didn't once look back. Ex on the other hand was depressed, angry at life etc etc.

I now have a wonderful dp who adores me and ds.

I didn't mean for this post to be so long, but wanted you to know that out of what wad the most unhappy time of my life came the happiest years. Stay strong.

[ODearMe]

Agree with other posters that your DH is not stressed, but using your current vulnerability to push down your boundaries.

He is emotionally abusive.

If you choose to remain in this relationship, my advice is this:

If you let the above described behaviour go - it will set a precedent for how he will treat you after you have given birth and forever more. Believe me, he will be worse when the baby is born.

You must not let him get away with any disrespectful behaviour towards you. Strongly challenge him when he steps out of line.

If it is clear he will never change - I agree with Cognito - RUN!

[TheYoniKeeper]

He knows you love him & he is fully aware of how he is treating you, so it is not a case of getting him to understand that.

It is a case of getting him to understand that it is not on & it either stops or that's it.

I know it's hard to leave someone you love & are pregnant by but think of it this way...would you treat someone you loved like that?

It's worth having a look at the emotional abuse thread by the way.

Sorry you're having to deal with this whilst being pregnant.

P.S do you mind me asking if it was like this before you were pregnant?

[TheYoniKeeper]

(and of course he makes you feel unreasonable...if he didn't gaslight you then you'd see exactly what he was doing & he wouldn't be able to get away with it so easily)

[AnyFucker]

This thread is from last September. I wonder if OP's circumstances have changed at all?