he refuses to apologise...should I let it go?

[jammiedodger79]

Hi ladies,

I would really appreciate your views on whether you think I should make a big issue of this or let it go for a quiet life as I'm 4 weeks away from giving birth and pretty tearful and hormonal right now!

For the last few days my husband completley shut off from me for no apparent reason, has been totally miserable and I've been lucky to get a grunt in response to my attempts to start any conversations with him. I am on my own, feel very isolated in my flat due to my pregnancy and he is the main person I see at the moment. After being in the house all day, making sure all housework, dinners etc are done I get nothing from him whatsoever!
He has been making me feel totally worthless and increasingly grateful if he says more than a couple of words to me, and everything i say feels like I am just an annoyance to him.
I am a really laid back and generally happy person, I give him his space, don't ask for alot, never nag him about anything. He works during the day, goes to football 4x a week and I never complain about being on my own most of the time. Any time he spends at home is mostly with him on the internet. I really can't see how anything I have done could give him any reason to treat me like this. Also as soon as his phone rings he is all lovely and comes alive to whoever is speaking to him, it seems this behaviour is purely reserved for me.
For example,On our way to our antenatal class on saturday I was looking forward to it as it was the first day out together for ages and on the way there I made a few comments about how I was looking forward to it and what a good day it should be and he basically told me to shut up and stop going on about it. Ruined a potentially fun day!
It all got too much and I had it out with him on Sunday, calmly over dinner and he just said he's stressed. No apology, no recognition that he had upset me for days and just carried on being miserable.
Last night again I brought it up and tried to explain that if he is stressed (which he admits he has nothing really to be stressed about) then I am more than happy to listen, support him and do what I can to help him but am not here for him to take it out on. He will not see that he owes me an apology and flatly refused to say sorry and that I should stop being so self centred and just thinking of myself.
Is it not just basic manners to apologise when you have treated someone like crap? I could have been over it days ago if he only said that one word but now I feel like he has no respect for me or my feelings at all.
He has never ever aplologised to me off his own back for anything the whole time we have been together.
I have had no choice but to let it go, I don't want the build up to the birth to be horrible and believe me if I press the point he could go weeks without speaking to me and I can't stand it and always crack first and end up saying sorry for things I haven't done just because I don't want a miserable life!
We have had this issue in the past and I am convinced he can be very passive aggressive but recently this has seemed better although I have found myself playing the role of a good little housewife and letting so many things pass to keep the peace.
I love him, I wouldn't be with him otherwise but this is really grinding away at me and I am feeling that if I can't make him see that I deserve an apology when he has done wrong then its going to be a massive problem in the future.

Please let me know if I need to press this point, or just let it go. I'm upset and confused!

Thanks!

[AnyFucker]

This thread is from last September. I wonder if OP's circumstances have changed at all?

[TheYoniKeeper]

(and of course he makes you feel unreasonable...if he didn't gaslight you then you'd see exactly what he was doing & he wouldn't be able to get away with it so easily)

[TheYoniKeeper]

He knows you love him & he is fully aware of how he is treating you, so it is not a case of getting him to understand that.

It is a case of getting him to understand that it is not on & it either stops or that's it.

I know it's hard to leave someone you love & are pregnant by but think of it this way...would you treat someone you loved like that?

It's worth having a look at the emotional abuse thread by the way.

Sorry you're having to deal with this whilst being pregnant.

P.S do you mind me asking if it was like this before you were pregnant?

[ODearMe]

Agree with other posters that your DH is not stressed, but using your current vulnerability to push down your boundaries.

He is emotionally abusive.

If you choose to remain in this relationship, my advice is this:

If you let the above described behaviour go - it will set a precedent for how he will treat you after you have given birth and forever more. Believe me, he will be worse when the baby is born.

You must not let him get away with any disrespectful behaviour towards you. Strongly challenge him when he steps out of line.

If it is clear he will never change - I agree with Cognito - RUN!

[dervlam]

Jammie, I had to post as I was in a very similar situation when I was pregnant with my ds. Cogito's advice seems spot on, and I wish I'd known about mumsnet four years ago.

Firstly, I think you're extremely brave for facing up to these difficulties in your relationship when you're only four weeks away from giving birth. Have you been as open with anyone in rl? It seems when you're pregnant that everyone you meet at nct etc has the perfect relationship and you're the only one having problems. You deserve to be treated with love, care, respect by your dp all the time, but particularly so when you're pregnant.

I moved far from friends and family to be with my ex when I was heavily pregnant. We'd lived together previously for many years and I'd been oblivious to his controlling, selfish ways. When I was pregnant, his selfishness took on another level - he was constantly tired, stressed and frequently angry with me. I basically became meek, compliant and constantly walked on egg shells to avoid confrontation. When my friend came to visit after I gave birth, she couldn't believe that I'd lost my spark and put it down to motherhood. It was actually due to the stress of living with my abusive ex.

Abuse comes in many forms, and whilst I don't know your situation, counselling has shown me that I was definitely in an abusive relationship.

Don't assume it will be better after your baby is born. My ex even caused my son's birth to be unnecessarily stressful with his selfish attitude.

My advice is to rally in your support network of friends and family - you need emotional support and love at this time and after the baby is born. Think strategically - if you decide to leave, do you have enough money etc?

The best thing that happened ti me was finding out my ex was having an affair when ds was six weeks old. It was the excuse I needed to leave. My life changed immediately, as living with someone who sucks all the joy is exhausting and stressful. I poured my love into my ds and didn't once look back. Ex on the other hand was depressed, angry at life etc etc.

I now have a wonderful dp who adores me and ds.

I didn't mean for this post to be so long, but wanted you to know that out of what wad the most unhappy time of my life came the happiest years. Stay strong.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Just checking in to see if you're ok Jammie x

[izzyizin]

Sorry to say I'm another who suspects that he's got a hidden ow agenda but that's neither here nor there at the present time.

What matters is YOU and your forthcoming dc who doesn't deserve a life spent treading on eggshells around the 'man' of the house.

You may not feel that he knows the 'real you' but you know the 'real him' and it ain't a pretty sight.

It seems he does nothing whatsoever to enhance your life and if he won't shape up, ship him out before he does any more damage to your sense of self-worth - and make no mistake, honey, you're worth a darn sight more than him.

[TheProvincialLady]

Oh Jammie Can you see the madness in YOU changing to be in this relationship when HE is the passive aggressive controlling one?

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Sorry that should say some men.. not all, been out of the MN loop for some time, lol

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Get something on your computer like webwatcher or something. Find out his passwords, read his phone. He is probably doing the dirty on you, sorry to say. Find out, if he's not cheating then he's being an arse. Find out whats going on then repost here when you KNOW 100% where you stand. His treatment of you is disgusting no matter what is 'the cause'
Do yourself a favour and turn detective babe. And facebook.. men are thick.. check the archived messages.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I have changed myself a lot for this relationship"

A good man would love you as you are and boost your confidence. A bad man will keep finding fault, whether it exists or not, purely to smash your confidence.

[GoldenGeek]

Good luck Jammie we are all here cheering you on and supporting you

[jammiedodger79]

we chose the new place together, also its not too far from friends usually but its just that I'm not travelling about at the moment and they are all working all day.

I do feel like I have changed myself a lot for this relationship, some in good ways eg before I got pregnant I cut right down my drinking which he saw as a problem (obv none at the moment) but I also feel that because I am always he doesn't get to know the real me if that makes sense.

Ok...deep breath, will HAVE to deal with this later.

[izzyizin]

NEVER lose sight of the fact that you are not unreasonable but he is.

If you don't make a stand now the writing won't just be on this board, it'll be written large on the wall of the life you and your forthcoming dc will have with him.

[Guiltypleasures001]

if you think were a in shock Jammie wait till you tell your dad/mum Hopefully if anything like mine, they will rally round you, and he will get a shock in one way or another...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think it would be a good start giving him an either/or choice. But this kind of man can be very persuasive and, if you back him into a corner, he's highly likely to turn on the charm and go on best behaviour for as long as it takes to get you back. Once you're trapped back with him and a new baby, it'll be same-old same-old but now you'll be worried that you can't leave because 'he's a good dad'.

Please take this opportunity to be strong for yourself and your baby. Draw a line in the sand over sulks, moods and lack of apologies - they have to stop. And tell him you will no longer be skivvying but that he has to pull his weight at home. Everything. The power balance is far too loaded against you at the moment and you have to claw it back or you will seriously regret it.

[jammiedodger79]

He makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable for just wanting to talk about these things. I wonder if going away for a few days and telling him it will be over if he really won't face up to how he is making me feel as a last chance.

I know it sounds pathetic but I hate the thought of us splitting up, I really do love him, there are many good things going for us, but I know that if this issue carries on it would be over anyway so I can see its best to make or break now.

Thanks everyone for your advice its a bit of a shock to see how people view it from the outside.

[izzyizin]

Was moving to a new area where you don't know anyone a joint decision or did you go along with him because you feared he'd sulk if you didn't?

How much of your personality and your wants/needs are you compromising to feed his ego?

Arrange for your df to pick you up and whisk you away for a few days and make it clear to your h that unless he dramatically alters his behaviour and stops with the sulks/moods/general nastiness, you won't be coming back.

[GoldenGeek]

you 'put up with it' because they don't start a relationship being this way. They slowly increase this behaviour so you don't notice it.

My thoughts when I first left my Ex were 'how stupid was I?'. But I wasn't stupid, just feeling so worthless my I would doubt my own judgement. They are good at that, making you feel incapable of doing anything without them.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He won't change though and talking to him about this is about as effective as spitting in the sea. He knows what he is doing and is enjoying seeing your discomforture. This is all about power and control. He like many such abusive types has acted "nice" long enough to draw you in; you are seeing his true colours now.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. I would actually start establishing what your legal rights are with regards to separation.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" think it might be a good idea if I get my dad to pick me up for a few days "

Try a few months... I'm sorry but, if he's this bad now, he's going to be an utter nightmare when the baby's here. It's hard enough keeping pace with a newborn and what you don't need is to be running around, trying to make this idiot happy as well.

[Guiltypleasures001]

If he is playing football 4x a week, he has ample time to play away with someone else. He might be stressed about baby coming, but this sounds like this was going on before baby was conceived, I wonder how you could possibly sleep with someone who is so ungiving it beggers belief.

I see a future with you stressed with a newborn, and him with a seperate life to the one in doors, I also think you are so conditioned to keeping the peace around him, you are going to find it hard change the status quo. It isnt him who has to change lovey its you changing your acceptance of this situation, he aint gonna budge I suspect. Best of luck for the bubs though.

[OliveandJim]

You are about to give birth and he treats you like that? He is mad? That is completely unacceptable behaviour. You should be pampered, loved, looked after like you are the Queen of Sheebah right now, not made to feel miserable!
You need all your emotional energy for the birth and afterwards. Now is the time to show you you are a team. It's going to be bloody hard once the baby is here and with sleep deprivation on top of it, you might find it very hard oto cope if he doens't start playing his part. He is about to become a dad and needs to look after you! he should be doing the cooking, he should be doing the cleaning and you should be with your feet up on the sofa. And he shoul dbe on internet to look how to bathe a new born or give a bottle anytihng else at this stage is completely superfluous. Tell him to get this act together or threaten to tell his mum (haha)!

[jammiedodger79]

Thanks everyone, you have opened my eyes. I really need to address this, I have never been such a walkover before and can't believe I put up with it.

ladywordy...I live away from all my family and we have just moved to a new flat in a new area where I don't know anyone. I can't go far, this baby is really heavy and public transport just isn't an option right now. Can't wait to be able to get out more after baby is born.

jarsofclay...I think it might be a good idea if I get my dad to pick me up for a few days but I actually think he will like it!

about him seeing someone else, I really don't know I guess its a possiblilty.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He has been making me feel totally worthless "

Many abusers treat pregnancy and the birth of the first child as their cue to throw their weight around, dominate the relationship and crush the spirit out of their partner. If you feel totally worthless at what should be an exciting, daunting but ultimately happy time of your life that is utterly wrong. A partner should make you feel better about yourself and enhance your life.... not keep you as some kind of worthless domestic servant.