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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gay husband, what are the signs? is there are script?

62 replies

complexo · 03/09/2012 22:34

Wondering about my exH. Even thought he married again and had a child.

OP posts:

Original poster

complexo · 05/09/2012 21:18

I guess what hurt more is that I let him do it to me and couldn't see how wrong it was.

This is very helpful to me:
I realised while I was dwelling on him he was still abusing me

OP posts:

Original poster

complexo · 05/09/2012 21:21

sorry for not being more articulate, English not being 1st language

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 05/09/2012 21:31

but Op ALL of this could be done by an abusive hetero man, I just can't see why all this adds up to him being gay. If you found out he isn't gay, would that make it worse in some way? sounds like you try to excuse his behaviour by the fact he is a tortured gay, but his behaviour is inexcusable in both cases.

Original poster

complexo · 05/09/2012 21:45

I know it could be done by a hetero person
I am exploring the possibility of him being gay because his friend sand housemates and even his own brother told me rumours about him having gay experiences at Uni. He never wanted to talk abiut this is dismissed as a joke.
plus the camp manner when drunk and him stopping drinking altogether, the weird relationship he had with a 'friend' once which he never wanted to talk about, the events in the night club...
And now I just rememebr that once friends lent us porno movies, I never was into porno myself, I must have been complaining about my sexual life so I took the dvds to see what happened and he never wanted to watch (nor did I) or ven check the cases (would a straight man watch porno on this ocasion, maybe not either)

I guess I am just try to understand and to do so would be helpful to know if he is or not. Also I would be delighted to know that OW former friend is suffering too.

OP posts:

DebraSutton · 07/11/2015 00:04

I disagree with you that these men are bi they are closeted gay men who marry women. They have a lot of shame over being gay. They are angry and moody at home as these women have described. They are depressed. Sex does stop in these marriages and when divorce happens many of these closeted gay men go on to marry another woman. They have 2 lives going on they are meeting men in secret for sex. Some of these men after 20 or more years of marriage do come out as gay. These men are not bi they have no sexual desire for women, however they may be able to perform sexually with women, over time sex usually ends. These men are closeted gay. Gay in secret.

PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2015 00:09

Given that this thread is three years old I doubt anyone on it cares that you disagree with them.

DebraSutton · 07/11/2015 00:10

I agree with your post,

DebraSutton · 07/11/2015 00:13

Ha ha ha

Sparklingbrook · 07/11/2015 00:38

Weird.

TooSassy · 07/11/2015 07:38

Well i am so thank ful that this thread has been resurrected.

Reading it has been a huge support and I hadn't even thought about looking for a support group for women who have found out their husbands are gay. He anger, the withdrawal of affection, the accusations about me as a person. Wow. Just wow.

xinid18065 · 27/09/2023 19:30

mathanxiety · 05/09/2012 06:39

To answer your question on the script. Yes, there is a script. You can find it rehearsed on sites where men swap tips on deceiving partners. There are sites that will show up in his History as 'Sports Talk' or other innocuous-sounding names.

'This is not what it looks like'.
'I was just curious'.
'It was just once'.
'It doesn't mean anything'.
'I think I may be bi'.
'We are just friends/colleagues..'.
'It was a work trip'.

But that is upon discovery of an affair, discovery of an active and promiscuous sex life with other men, interest in gay porn, or confrontation about the horrible relationship (if you are very persistent and force some sort of admission). Before then there are constant subtle and not so subtle messages to you that you are not enough, that there is something not altogether attractive about you.

'You are crazy'.
'You are oversexed'.
'I have an early meeting'.
'Again?'

There are many ex partners of gay men who suspect that the term bisexual refers to a man who just hasn't yet found Mr Right. Or alternatively, that so-called bisexual men are just one woman shy of being gay.

It is the comprehensiveness of the lie you may have been told that means you absolutely need to know the truth.

[[http://a_musing.blogspot.com/2007/10/four-former-wives-of-e'Bi Gentleman' that I think is a heap of self serving hooey. Many of the other posts illustrate the EA, the psychological abuse, and the sexual abuse (as in, rejection and no sex). And there are the reminders that the gay partner has a lot of stuff of his own to deal with.

Is integrity too much to ask for in someone?

Bloody hell, I know you have a chip on your shoulder but There are many ex partners of gay men who suspect that the term bisexual refers to a man who just hasn't yet found Mr Right. Or alternatively, that so-called bisexual men are just one woman shy of being gay. FFS

ForgottenWhyImHere · 27/09/2023 22:28

There's more than one script, in my experience. There are lots of common themes, but they can come in all sorts of combinations so that no two stories are exactly the same.

Plenty of closeted gay men have a series of female partners. As a PP said, it's often to hide and convince themselves/others that they're not gay.

My ex made me feel worthless. I was constantly trying to live up to his expectations and constantly failing because I wasn't the right sex for him.

I'm not sure I'll ever "get over" my partner of 19 years being gay and lying to me for all that time. He shattered my confidence.

Counselling really helps. Don't put it off. I also find it helpful to try to focus on the fact that, regardless of the reason for our separation, I am happier now. I had DC with mine and I can't help feeling that he stole two decades from me. Can't even look back and tell myself he loved me in the beginning because he didn't. He was watching gay porn and fantasising about coming out.

Not having proof he's gay can make you feel like you're going mad. My ex has a male partner now. But because he's never told me he's gay (DC refer to him as gay, so think it's safe to say that's how he identifies) I still feel some hurt and anger about the way he went about things. I mean, FFS, he's never acknowledged to me that our marriage failed for a reason completely beyond my control.

OP, you can check out Our Path (based in USA, big organisation, website and Facebook page, lots of podcasts), Straight Partners Anonymous (based in UK, anonymous, private forum) and there is an Australian lady who does online counselling around this and also has a Facebook page and website you can visit called Not My Closet.

To be honest, if you heard some people's stories, you would probably count yourself very lucky to have gone on to a new relationship not have had children with your ex.

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