Gay husband, what are the signs? is there are script?

[complexo]

Wondering about my exH. Even thought he married again and had a child.

Sorry math, I disagree.
The reasons her ex dh was a twat, is because he is a twat. Spending her life wanting to know if it was her or him, is wasting time.
He is a twat, he sexuality hasn't really got anything to do with it.

Thanks all for your opinions, mathanxiety, I will pm you shortly.

I didn't say he was a twat because he was gay. I said it is possible to be both gay and a twat.

I also said the gay aspect of it is a further twist of the knife that demands an answer, a resolution, in the way that common or garden twattishness does not necessarily.

I didn't say you did that he was a twat because he was gay.
I said he was a twat because he was a twat. The OP is no longer married to him, has a new husband. His sexuality is no longer her business.
she can not control him, his sexuality or whether he ever comes out or not (that's is he is).
What she can do is get to a place where the reasons why is not an issue. So she can move on.
She can only extend control over herself and how she handles the damage the relationship caused her.

You are dismissing the gay aspect of this.

My experience of a situation like this is that the gay aspect of it is not possible to dismiss, because when someone has lied to you in such a comprehensive way about something fundamental in your decision making process, used words that have a recognised meaning in a way that means something completely different to them like 'I love you', 'With my body I thee worship' for instance you need to know that you are not crazy, that what happened was down to his choice to lie. You feel you are living in a Looking Glass world until the puzzle is solved.

Math is absolutely right. Fortunately this is a situation, that unless you have been in it you can't know how it feels. Even women/men who are divorced and discovered years later can be deeply affected.

Oh I have to say one of my particular fav discussions.... Whether having sex with a man dressed as a woman was gay sex! There are some people who don't see it like that!

I suspect I know the group math may suggest, as I am also a member of a support group

yes, tbh, if her new husband is giving her validation as a woman by being a good partner, then what does it matter if the ex undermined her? It's nasty but she already proved to herself that she is desirable by a another man. The ex could be gay or not, if not he was still not in ln love which wasn't her fault. I can see Dru's point that he wasn't in love (maybe some infatuation at best), period, does it really matter why.

but math, all these things could have been said/promised by a hetero liar.

No I am not dismissing it. I am saying the OP loses all 'rights' to have all the information when the marriage was dissolved. If he didn't tell her when married he isn't going to now. But what she can do is find ways to live with the damage he caused and move on.
Had he have cheated on her with a woman, I would give the same advice.
She will never know 'everything' about him. No one knows everything about anyone.
Its not dismissing him being gay (if he is) its about not letting him affect her any more. Not letting him take up space in her head anymore.

Oh and yes this has happened to me. Thank you very much, although we were not married.

This is not about controlling someone else's sexuality or his sense of integrity.

It is about dealing with the aftermath to her of being used in a way that cuts like a knife. She says she needs a certain thing in order to be able to move on. That feeling is real and can't be swept under the rug.

It is about dealing with the aftermath of a betrayal. A woman who marries a man who keeps from her the information that he is gay makes a decision to go in a certain direction with her life and to foreclose other directions. Her free choice was stolen from her by his decision to withhold that important information. Maybe she chose to have a child or two -- a decision from which there is no going back. Other avenues that were open to her would again be foreclosed by that second decision. You are looking at someone's life being led based on a lie.

You are also looking at what a woman thought was real when it comes to her sex life, and the realisation that that may not have been all that it seemed hurts deeply (if there was a sex life that is, and if there wasn't, looking back at the pain of that is so hard). To find out you shared your body with someone who never appreciated it, who never felt whatever it was that you felt about your sex life together -- it is the opposite of honouring and loving and respecting. The sense of betrayal is akin to what you feel if someone cheated on you but there is an added element of the gay thing.

You can't say 'what does it matter?' to someone who has said it matters.

The fact is that it does matter. She is the only person whose feelings matter to her. If it matters to her, then that is all that should matter to others. Her feelings should be accepted and she should not be told to get over it.

There are no right feelings or wrong feelings. There are just feelings.

All those things can be said about a marriage where no one is gay.
Remember the OP doesn't know that he is gay. She thinks he might be, but nothing she has said has suggested she is right imo.
I have a bi dh and my ex who did turn out to be gay, kicked the shit out of me and very nearly ended my life.
I know quite a bit about this.
The OP may very well feel she needs to know. But he doesn't have to give her that info.
She has 3 options.
1, hope one day he turns up and tells her he is gay, none of it was her fault. But she has spent how long of her second marriage and life concentrating on it. But she possible wants every buy of info (did he cheat with men etc) so possibly not happy in the end.
2, he never tells her and she never has confirmation but spend the rest of her life agonising over it.
3, she gets some counselling about the shitty way he treated her, finally understands that its not her fault at all (regardless of sexuality) gains her own closure. She moves on and and concentrates on this marriage.
I know which is healthier.

On a rational level I know that I just have to move on..
But it is not as easy as saying it, at least for me, hence is taking me so long.
I remembered few more facts:

*We went to a cool night club once, it was huge and there were lots of different rooms with different music and themes. In one of the rooms there was a stage in the middle with 4 women doing strip tease...I was watching it whreas he never ever even looked twice and kept dancing looking other way, and I was a but intrigued by it...however, his favourite part of the club was the terrace with the pool with 4 ery fit gay men posing as life guards to entertain the people at the terrace or who ever wanted to swim.

• He got a sexual disease, I had to get checked and I did not have it. He could not explain when he got that from (but Iknow could be OW)

So I am not sure if it proves he is gay, bi or not, but I feel that if he is, knowing would put myself at easier knowing that there was nothing that I could have done or BE. I guess there is a huge back history toomany details to write here for you to understand why I got so much hurt I couldn't move on yet. And also would be nice to know that OW (who was my friend) didn't win either. Childish I know. I think and hope never to see them again so maybe I will neer know. But asking questions is a way to cope as it is try t understand .

I disagree that you can say the same things about a marriage where both parties are straight. When one party is gay you have been lied to from the getgo. And you have never been truly loved as a woman by a man capable of loving a woman fully. The word 'love' has meant different things to each person involved. It has never been the relationship you thought it was. That is an essential difference imo.

Yes to the above. The feeling that you hae been used and discarded for not BEING who he wants him to be is awful.

for not being who he wants YOU to be

And that's fine math. Disagree away, we are allowed to have differing opinion.
The fact is, dwelling on it is not going to help. The OP will not get the answers she wants so she has to try and move on without getting them.

Ok here it is.
My ex was violent. We split when I was hospitalised. He had many issues.
After we split I had counselling, attended dc support etc. And yes wanted to know why I was not good enough for him to love and cherish.
4 years later I found he was now with a man. He didn't tell me, I found out through a friend. Apparently he is no longer the angry man he was.
However, I had got to the point where 'why' he did what he did was not important.
I realised while I was dwelling on him he was still abusing me. He was still effecting everyday.
He hit me because he was an angry twat, part of the anger was, possibly he confusion. By the time I found out he was gay I honestly couldn't have cared. And I was happy.
I hope that helps Op.
Concentrate on yourself.

I just need to move on and posting here has already helped

Even if he was, he may not be able to admit to himself... Let alone anyone else

I could write the same story.

ExH was violent; however I didn't end up in the hospital. He was always angry. It was always there right below the surface. God only knows where it came from. It wasn't my fault but according to him it was.
I had counselling both before and after I found the gay smoking gun that I found. The validation from the counsellors I sought for myself was the most fantastic thing I ever experienced both with the gay elephant in the room and without it. He was both gay and incredibly angry and impossible to live with for both reasons, one feeding the other imo. OTOH, the BS I got from one particular counselling experience were we went together was actually a massive setback to me.
You can be very picky about your counselling and do not accept a slant you do not want from a counsellor, or an approach ('talk about your childhood/ how did potty training go' for instance)
We have been divorced since 2009, separated since 2007. exH had a GF straight away upon separation,. The anger towards me remains right below the surface. It erupts from time to time. He has also been incredibly angry to the two oldest DCs (aged late teens and early 20s)

I never got a conclusive answer from exH partly because I knew I would never get an honest answer if I asked. I decided the preponderance of evidence was there and I am happy with my conclusion. But just accepting he was a man with huge anger/mother problems/a couple of personality disorders, etc would not have set my heart at rest. I needed to decide about the gayness based on what I knew, to sort out what I knew from what I hypothesised. Settling it was the only way for me.

and what if he isn't gay after all? would be make it worse? you'd then feel jealous of OW and get stuck even more. I agree with Dry that it's important to move, not dwell on how he betrayed you if he was gay, what can be done about that betrayal? the emphasis now should be on you partner appreciating you, try to value that. Of course it's hard to move on, we ve all been there, but it will happen with time if you DECIDE that your current r-ship is important and the onsessing can undermine it so the ex also is spoiling your present! counselling can help if you really can't do it yourself.

would it make*

ExH was emotionally abusive and control freak. he punched my arm on one ocasion and slaped me across the face on another. These didn't hurt.

However, the ammount of pressure he put upon me to change everything about me that he used to 'love' at the start of the relationship / the constantly runing criticism about every single movement that I made...or didn't make/ the control of the finances even though we earned exactly the same thing, control over what I should wear, how I should speak, how I should interact with my family and friends who were never going to be good enough for him to have a relationship with, the control over his friends who I could not get to close to because I wasn't good enouth for 'them', and even the control regarding to when I should eat and shower was ery very painful.
I needed his permission to have time to read a book.
I had to seat outside the toilet while he was doing a poo because he needed to talk to me.

These hurt a lot...