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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H 'doing stuff' when sleeping...

59 replies

jarsofclay · 03/09/2012 19:26

Has anyone else got/had a partner do this? Is it normal?
It is not a new thing, Has happened on past occasions.
Been married nearly 4 years, 2 kids and average sex life.
Quite often I wake up to him urmmm what I think he is doing 'maturbating' but I can't be sure as I have never looked properly but it feels like it. I then get out of the bed and go sleep somewhere else. If he asks why I usually say he has been fidgeting or snoring but never confronted him directly about it.
Sometimes I lie awake and hope it is not what he is doing and try and get back to sleep, I am pretty sure he said 'come on' when he was doing it the other night though :( He seems to stop before anything comes out though or I have never seen or felt any mess.

?
......

OP posts:

Mellower · 03/09/2012 20:22

Ex used to do this when on steroids or medications. He never remembered doing it. He said I did it too when coming off anti-depressants but he is a compulsive liar so

Mellower · 03/09/2012 20:24

Oh I waan't meeting his sexual needs btw! He needed it every night/day/night/day, I didn't.

Sariah · 03/09/2012 20:25

Pml Spuddybean.

Original poster

jarsofclay · 03/09/2012 20:29

Mellower, he is not on any meds but I have heard that can disturb sleep.
Can anyone meet needs like that? I dunno.

OP posts:

oopslateagain · 03/09/2012 20:43

Are you sure he's masturbating? DH does this weird rubbing thing, it's so hard the whole bed shakes. I honestly thought he was masturbating, but when I poked him (on the shoulder with my hand) he was asleep. So next time he did it, I lifted the duvet and used my phone as a light... and he was scratching his balls. In his sleep.

He does it all the time, it wakes me up if I'm half asleep and I know he does it at least three or four times a week. It goes on for a good two or three minutes, he grunts with the effort, and it ends with a big sigh - but it is definitely scratching, not masturbating.

Original poster

jarsofclay · 03/09/2012 20:52

Oops that what I thought he might be doing too, because he stops quite abruptly sometime and starts snoring or something. That might make me feel better. :)

OP posts:

Mellower · 03/09/2012 20:59

I couldn't jars maybe if he was nice but he was on steroids so angry and horny, not a nice mix.

I think you DH is possibly doing this is in his sleep and maybe stress related or just having a horny dream, or even over-tired?

Original poster

jarsofclay · 03/09/2012 21:03

It could be mellower. It has been a bit stressful the last year. We have a 9 month old and a nearly 3 year old,in process of buying a house,my father died a couple of months ago,he started a new job and so it has all been a hectic to say the least. I do try to cater to his needs but he is often tired himself. He has a long day at work and journey ect...

OP posts:

ButtonButton · 03/09/2012 21:15

I foot rub to go to sleep, it's very rhythmic and has been hard enough to wake up my partner- who also thought I was playing, until he looked. I do it when I'm dreaming as well, so perhaps you should check what he is doing and if he's awake next time.

Mellower · 03/09/2012 21:17

I know it must be upsetting, I think you should pick your moment and have a little talk with him about it, I think he will be a little embarrassed and not realise he is doing it.

Talking is good, especially if it is making you .

needsomeperspective · 04/09/2012 04:03

I can't see anything wrong with waiting until your other half is asleep and making yourself climax when 1. They've said no to sex because they are tired but you are horny or 2. You can't sleep and it helps you drop off. There is no way I could come standing in the bathroom I'm afraid. And it's a much my bed as his. Of course if youre deliberately making a big fuss of it hoping they wake up and either feel bad or pressured to help that's not fair either although its been known to happen in our house

CrackerJackShack · 04/09/2012 06:24

I'd prefer DH wanking at night to his snoring any day. I could probably sleep through the wanking.

CrackerJackShack · 04/09/2012 06:25

And is it just me who thinks that masturbation is pretty normal, even when you have a fulfilling sex life?

speckledpig · 04/09/2012 06:38

It's not as much my bed and his when I have to leave most nights to sleep on the sofa because I wake up and can't back back to sleep either because of this or the snoring. Yes, most men do it in their spare time, I am not denying that but waking someone from their sleep or doing it right next to them is just not my cup of tea or very respectful.

Spuddybean · 04/09/2012 07:31

need i disagree. It is as much my sofa as dp's but if i fancied a wank i wouldn't just drop my kecks and start masturbating. I think there is an element of respect, and just like touching someone without their permission i think masturbating close to someone without their consent is creepy. If a stranger did it you wouldn't like it.

I'm not a prude at all but i wouldn't like DP having a shit in front of me if i was in the bath - i would expect him to wait. Just because things are natural it doesn't mean we get to satisfy every whim the moment we feel it, especially if it makes someone uncomfortable.

I must say i would feel a bit violated if someone was awake and masturbating next to me - as would DP. But if it's alright with both of you then obviously that's fine. I think it's just doing it that's rude.

DP is in the army and often has to stay in shared accomodation. I am at how many times the bloke in the next sleeping bag just starts wanking. It is frowned upon and they are spoken to. It makes people feel uncomfortable because even tho you may be being discreet (ish - how discreet can you be a foot away?) you are making someone unwillingly aware and therefore 'participate' in a sex act.

Original poster

jarsofclay · 04/09/2012 07:48

It happened again last night so I rolled over a bit abruptly and asked what he was doing and he replied ' nothing,why?' would someone be able to wake out of a sleep that quickly? Maybe he has been awake all along?
I know we all have different levels of tolerance and acceptance when it comes to stuff like this, but I just don't feel comfortable with it.
I don't want to be told what is the 'norm' or what I should just 'shut up and accept it as normal' because every man as every woman is different.
We don't have porn lying around the house, he doesnt watch it while we are home (he may while we are not I don't know, probably) Others might and feel this is normal.
As with posts like this you always seem to get the 'I can take anything on, I let him do what he likes because of his manhood, I let him do what he wants when he wants and that's very considerate of me ' gang. But in a relationship there are two parties involved and just as much as I have to respect his wishes and concerns, he does mine. It is not just about his penis and not everything should or has to revolve around that.

OP posts:

Original poster

jarsofclay · 04/09/2012 07:52

.....and isn't this (as spud pointed out about the army) one of the less desirable traits of prison? Having your cell mate doing this,making noises and jerking himself off while you are trying to get to sleep? I wouldn't tolerate if I was sharing a room with a friend either, would you?

OP posts:

OrangeLily · 04/09/2012 07:56

What's wrong with this? I do it, I assume my DH does too. We have a healthy sex life too. I sometimes do it to help me go to sleep.

Original poster

jarsofclay · 04/09/2012 07:58

Cracker, no one said masturbation wasn't 'normal'. Need, and as I have said, when he initiates it is not as if I am depriving him purposely. If you are happy for your partner to shake the bed around,wake you up by doing so and make a mess all over your bed from doing it to himself whille you are sleeping that is your choice - not everyone would be thrilled by the thought.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 04/09/2012 08:02

Tawes, nice to see sexism is still alive and present in your relationship

OP just talk to him about it. No need to be thinking so much when you could sort it out pretty easily.

Original poster

jarsofclay · 04/09/2012 08:06

I know sir, I was thinking I should delete the whole thread if I can. I have too much imagination for my own good and not the best conversationalist which doesn't mix well.

OP posts:

anairofhope · 04/09/2012 08:39

It may be passive aggresive but i would casualy mention in passing that i would not like my partner to wank in bed next to me as its disrespectful and i just think its gross and see if he takes the hint?

I think its normal to wank as long as you have a good sex life too.

Taw wtf?

ArthurPewty · 04/09/2012 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot · 04/09/2012 08:47

Write it down if you struggle to say it.

Original poster

jarsofclay · 04/09/2012 09:05

yes, I should anair, Really Leonie? Thanks for that. He does the same with snoring and I thought he was doing it on purpose sometimes because he would wake up fully as soon as I muttered anything....then go back and do it again!

OP posts:

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