Not sure who to be mad at (LONG).....

[CrackerJackShack]

This is going to be long. Sorry in advance.

Bit of background: DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years together for 4 years. We have a DS who's 8 months old. When we were first married DH was diagnosed with OCD. This came to a head after about 3 months of him being obsessed with something very silly really and basically causing me to kick him out for a week. He's taking medication and it's been working extremely well. However his parents were dead set against him going on the medication, and I think they have been ignoring his condition for years.
Twice in the past two years he's had "episodes" wherein he becomes extremely fixated on something and harasses me with endless repetitive questions about it. It can get very very very irritating and drive me to tears. Both times it's occurred when he's been drinking, and ends as soon as he's sobered up. I think it's something not agreeing with his medication. He is not verbally abusive or violent during these times. In fact I'm the one who usually ends up swearing at him. My response during both these episodes was to go sleep in the other room, and lock the door, so he couldn't ask me dumb questions.

Besides these two incidents, we get along very well. I love him to bits. He's an amazing father, and we don't often argue or fight. When we do argue, however, we are both in the habit of ignoring each other for awhile and going and having a sulk (not the best way to handle it I know).

Anyway. We went to visit my parents two weeks ago. They live in a two bedroom condo in the US. While there DH and I got into a bit of a fight. I said something about him being on the computer the whole holiday (he was being a bit obsessive about getting a new laptop. I'm of the opinion that his medication isn't working as well at the moment, perhaps due to work stress, and we are seeing his GP next week to discuss) and he went into a strop. He ended up staying in that strop for the whole day and not going out with DP's, DS and I.

I expected the strop to be over with the next day as we had made plans to go to Disney World. But, despite my asking several times if he was going to get up and come, he decided not to. So we all went.

When we got back late, it turns out that he had been drinking all day (not normal at all) although we didn't realize it at first. He then got into one of his obsessive moods, harping at me about going to Disney World without him and not telling him we were going (even though we told him several times). I new right then that he was having an episode and I tried to tell my parents to just ignore him, he would be fine in the morning. (They know about his OCD but don't really understand it). My mother flew off the handle at him, swearing, cursing and eventually told him to get out when he wouldn't stop repeating the same things (she has a history of being verbally abusive when angry and my DH got the full brunt of it that night). My father and I tried to talk by DM out of it, but she would have none of it and out my DH went.

Now, I knew he had money, and that he could afford a hotel. He also had his DP's credit card (which he keeps for emergencies).

I was worried about him so I sent a message to his DM telling her he was having an episode and that she should try to contact him.

DH then called the cops to try and get back into the house. The cop showed up, spoke to DH for a few minutes, determined that he was quite drunk, determined myself and DS were safe with my parents and told my DF that DH was "rambling" and that he shouldn't let him back into the house tonight and he would drive him to a safe motel (which he did).

So the next day, I get a letter from MIL saying what a horrible person I was, what a disappointed I am and how could I throw her son out onto the street with no money, in a strange place. And how they would never do that to me. (although we were with them the last time he had an episode and they thought it was perfectly normal that I had to sleep on their couch at 5 months pregnant just to get away from their son for the night while he ranted).

So now, two weeks later. DH and I have made up, and he has apologized to my DP's and they to him, although there is still hurt feelings. However, I am still furious at my MIL for her email and have even cancelled my DS's baptism so I don't have to see her and FIL.

However, DH doesn't seem to think I have a right to be angry at his mother and should be mad at my own (he's swallowing his mothers "how dare you kick my baby out of the house" line).

I've set up a counseling session with DH, but that's not for another few days, and I'm still pretty raw about this.

I guess I just need some advice on who to be mad at!

What a situation. You poor thing. I wouldn't worry about who to be mad at. The universe perhaps.

It seems to me that you have to try to isolate the problems. There are so many. There is your DH and his problems. Your angry mother and your angry mother in law.

Which can you control/change and which can't you? Make a list. I'm a great list maker. Deal with what you have to deal with. You've got enough on your plate to be honest.

Eh your fecking dh is the one you should be mad at! OCD is a terrible illness but it is NOT an excuse for stropping like a teenager and getting stinking drunk. If he knows drink makes his condition worse why does he do it?

He doesn't do it often. As I said, twice in two years. And I am still furious with him.

Just realized I should perhaps rephrase the title. I am mad at DH, and we are going to see his GP and a counselor. I know I should be mad at him, and I have every right to be.

What I should be asking is, who should I be angrier at my mother or his mother? I feel his mother has ignored his issues for years and feeds the problem by denying he has any issues and babying him. He has come very far with my encouraging him to seek help, and I feel that her telling him what bad people my DP's are is a step back.

On the other hand, I know my DM has her issues and my DP feels that I should give her an ultimatum (like I did him) and force her to get counseling.

I prefer to just be pissed at him and my MIL, rather that deal with my DM at the moment.

You could be angry at both, you know. It's not either or. Just let rip. No, seriously, it sounds as if there is a lot of denial going with the two mothers. I expect your mother was sick of having this overgrown teenager in the house and angry about how you were suffering. And his mother probably wants to pretend that her son is still her lovely baby boy. Don't worry about any of that right now. It's odd though that these episodes seem to occur when you're at parents houses.

I think it occurs then cause that's really the only time he drinks.

I mean this in the best possible way but you don't NEED anyone to blame.

Your DH has a medical condition and while I believe it may be stressful and annoying to live with him when he's having an episode it certainly doesn't warrant....
My response during both these episodes was to go sleep in the other room, and lock the door, so he couldn't ask me dumb questions
My mother flew off the handle at him, swearing, cursing and eventually told him to get out Whether or not his meds need adjusting or changing I find this very harsh treatment of a guy who is ill.

Why did you initiate a fight while in your parents home? you said yourself you believe that the meds are not working so knew the likely outcome of doing so.
If your DP's were involved in that argument then he probably felt under attack and would explain his decision not to go out with you all. If not then only he can offer an explanation for that.

After you told your mum, in particular that this was an episode, making him react, why did she then feel the need to verbally attack him and make him leave. It's not really the action of a compassionate human never mind a loving MIL.

Why didn't you leave with him, to make sure he was OK, you say he's not verbally or violently aggressive, so there was no risk to you. Your Ds could have stayed with your DP's until morning. I don't understand why you would allow your medication dependant mentally ill DH to roam the streets alone.

I'm not surprised his mum was annoyed with you and your DP's, put yourself in her shoes- How would you feel knowing your son was ill and he'd been kicked out by his IL's with no thought or concern for his safety or welfare.
It would be completely different if he wasn't ill and had just been drunk, that would have been his own doing and he would have deserved being told to leave, but he is ILL.
As a mother I would have been disappointed with you too, I wouldn't have called you a horrible person though but we can all say heated things we don't mean. She was worried about her son and I don't think it's fair to blame her neither. FWIW what your own mother done was worse.

The police telling you shouldn't let him back into the house tonight doesn't justify it. He doesn't know your DH medical issues or how severe.

Good you have some counselling in place to get through this, might be a good idea to ask your DH's GP to change his meds to some that are tolerated with alcohol (if any).

For god's sake, your mother doesn't need counselling, apart maybe from help understanding why her dd is saddled with an abusive drunk. She reacted the way she did because he was being abusive and drunk in her home. She is entitled to her feelings and to ask him to leave, without the police being called to her door.

Mil is a lost cause it seems so I wouldn't waste any energy trying to open her eyes. Your dh is the problem and shouldn't drink on his meds if that's what happens yet has done it twice. Fancy leaving you to take the family to Disney, what a charmer.

First off dondon you have no idea what my DH is like when he gets obsessive. You cannot possibly stay in the same room as him.

And I didn't not purposely start a fight. I said "Can you please get off the computer and come down to the pool with us (DS&I) because you've been on the computer ever since we got here." Does my DS being ill mean I can't comment on his behavior ever?

My DM was wrong to go off at him, we all admit that, but my DP's have never had to deal with one of my DH's episodes and my DM did not handle it well. Neither did DH.

I was not going to leave my DS, who was asleep, and go with DH so I could be hounded all night.

Be angry at all of them, your DH for setting up the situation, your DM for going off pop at him despite you explaining he was having an episode and your MIL for being bloody stupid and inflaming the situation and blaming you instead of laying the blame squarely where it belongs.

In terms of injustice, your MIL is the winner by far. Your DH has a condition that contributes to his behaviour, and alcohol is often used as self-medication; your DM was reacting to your DH's behaviour (which did sound bloody unreasonable) and your MIL was just sticking the boot in for the hell of it.

Your DM should learn to rein in her abusive temper, sure - but you don't live with her and it's not really down to you to offer her any ultimatums. Different case with your DH.

He's not a drunk. He rarely drinks. Most of the time when he does he has no issues. On rare occasions it does not agree with his medication. He did drink that day yes. Not sure why, he's never drank alone before to my knowledge.

I know he's not a drunk full time but was a drunk at your mothers, a lying drunk who lied about being left out of the trip, repeating the same lies over and over. That would test the patience of anyone and your mother had every right to ask him to leave. Are you totally sure the OCD diagnosis is the right one for your dh? What ritual behaviours does he have? It seems from what you've written it's bombarding you with irrelevant questions which doesn't seem terribly OCD to me, although I admit I am no expert in this.

Counting,arranging, over-concern about personal cleanliness, worried about losing things, worried about germs, obsessing about little details, etc etc etc.

The lying had to do with him being right. When he's obsessing about something he needs constant reassurance that he's believing the right thing, especially if it isn't true. That's why trying to disagreeing with him when he's like that just makes it worse.

The next day he admitted that I was right and I had asked him to go to Disney World.

First off dondon you have no idea what my DH is like when he gets obsessive. You cannot possibly stay in the same room as him

Granted, I don't know, I can only imagine from what you write and it probably would test the patience of saint but he is Ill, it's not done intentionally. Although he must know what effect the alcohol has on his behaviour. If there's no meds that are compatible for him drink occasionally then he should cut it out completely.

I apologise that I got the starting of the fight wrong. I took it as you knew he was obsessing therefore knew he was having an episode and confronted him.

Can you please get off the computer and come down to the pool with us (DS&I) because you've been on the computer ever since we got here
Sounds a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

Well that does sound very OCD but I think you are in danger here of maybe calling drunken, bad behaviour an episode. He was in a strop the day before drinking, not having an episode, just in a mood after you pulling him up for being on the computer all day. You said you fully expected him to be out of that mood the next day and yet he wasn't up for the trip, deciding not to come and deciding to get drunk. Those two decisions don't seem to have much connection to his condition to me.

Your mum was probably sick of it because she'd seen his mood the day before and your assurance that all would be well the next day proved wrong. There's a line between managing/supporting his condition and accepting bad behaviour and I think you need to be wary of this. His parents determination to downplay this illness won't help.

Although I suppose, given OCD is an anxiety disorder, perhaps the trip to your parents was something he thought he could cope with but found he couldn't. Did you discuss it beforehand, how he would deal with his illness if he felt overwhelmed there?

Both your MIL and DM should not be butting into your relationship issues IMO, so are both equally in the wrong.

You could argue that they both have valid reasons (your DM sticking up for you, and your MIL worrying about her ill son), but they need to keep out of it.

I feel for you, but I must admit that I do agree a bit with Dondon33. You do sound very disparaging of your DHs medical condition.

I realise it must be incredibly hard, but it does seem like (with the drinking exception which is not excusable) your DH is trying to work through things with meds/counselling. I'm sure your DH is quite aware that you find his OCD 'dumb' 'irritating' and 'silly'. As someone who does have mild OCD, I can safely say that there is NOTHING worse than people thinking I am silly and irritating. If my DH implies anything of that nature, it immediately sends me into a spiral of checking and worrying.

It is a MEDICAL condition and yet due to people using the term OCD incorrectly (to describe anyone being a bit fussy or overly concerned) it seems to have almost become a laughing stock.

If you change the OP so OP becomes a man, the DH becomes a DW, and the DW has PND not OCD, I wonder whether people would have a different view of things....

I havent any advice but do have sympathy as I am married to an OCD sufferer too. His OCD is mainly obsessive thoughts and he will go into an unbelievable strop over nothing tangible but in his mind its a whole different matter. I am then the wicked witch of the west and everything is my fault. frankly its pretty unbearable sometimes. Drink is not involved much but he doesnt take the prescribed medication, as he doesnt think he has a problem. He recently flew into a rage over taking me to my DBs funeral even though he insisted on it initially, refused to go, phoned my pregnant DD and upset her, resulting in her refusing to go to his brothers wedding, which upset his brother, I dont want to go (but will) and he's now not invited to DGS birthday today! It boiled down to stress at being best man/giving the best man speech but he's never apologised and buries his head in the sand as its all my fault

As I said sympathy and perhaps look for his stressors? 'Blaming' other people, no matter who they are is really just going to cause more problems and solves nothing.

Dondon you obviously know nothing about dealing with OCD sufferers. Any professional will tell you that you MUST NOT enable them and indulge the compulsions. My husband has OCD and its a vital part of managing the condition that you refuse to be complicit in the acting out of rituals or manifestation of the obsessions. Going and sleeping in another room and locking the door is precisely what se should have done - FOR HER HUSBANDS benefit as well as her own.

Just because someone has OCD doesn't mean they get carte Blanche to behave badly. In fact CBT works by forcing the OCD sufferer to face their anxieties, feel the compulsion and resist acting on it. It is te beat proven way to help sufferers regain some normality and control over their illness.

I would be pissed at your mum. She was out of order. BUT I can appreciate she was in some way motivated by concern for you. The verbal abuse is completely uncalled for though.

I would also be pissed at his mum for that email BUT she was motivated by concern for HER son.

Both mothers coming at this from a place of love just badly expressed and dealt with.

It is not your responsibility to try to get your mother into therapy. You husband is being a dick to suggest that. He need to accept you mum is sometimes inappropriate and be glad she lives on the other side of the world. Like mine!

What meds is he on? Mine was on Cipralex but is now on Zoloft and they are so so much better for him. He used to have terrible phases of acting out also when pissed. We nearly broke up over it.

PM me if you want to chat Jacksmum. Xxx

Is this purely and simply OCD? It sounds as though it's more than just that.

I couldn't live with someone haranguing me like that, so I have every sympathy with you. As for his mum, it's obvious she's going to take his side and I don't think I would've involved her at all.

Your mum is a different matter. I can see that she saw your husband as abusive and drunk and wanted him away from you all. I can understand why she didn't handle it well.

I think your first concern should be getting a proper diagnosis of your DH and getting him treatment. If he doesn't co-operate with that, I wouldn't want to live with him.

My DH is like this and his issue is OCD.

How do you manage, needsomeperspective?

His medication works really well so I haven't had to deal with him "acting out" in a good while.

When he went through bad phases I just had to walk away and distance myself or keep repeating a calming phrase like "I love you, I am here for you". If I attempted to say anything like he was being irrational it would set off a tirade of abuse. In his mind his obsessions were totally real and he was justified in everything he was doing and saying. I just had to keep calm and either stay mute or just repeat my love and support. The beat option was to leave until he had it under control and had calmed down if at all possible.

Thank god his meds work so well now.

Dondon you obviously know nothing about dealing with OCD sufferers
I never said I did, did I? but FYI my Dsis suffered with postnatal ocd, which was first misdiagnosed as PND irrelevant info

I never once said OP should enable nor participate in rituals when DH has episodes.
When my Dsis was first diagnosed, we took some fantastic advice from her counsellor about help and support, we were told not to enable her but not to criticize or make negative comments and definitely not to scold or verbally attack her for what she was doing.

The OP didn't attack it was her mother (who we've all acknowledged dealt with the situation totally wrongly). The OP did just the right thing previously by going to a different room. That was the point i was trying to get across. Sadly it seems she wasn't able to do so when at her parents place an I'm sure that environment exacerbated the situation. Not the OPs fault though.