Not sure who to be mad at (LONG).....

[CrackerJackShack]

This is going to be long. Sorry in advance.

Bit of background: DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years together for 4 years. We have a DS who's 8 months old. When we were first married DH was diagnosed with OCD. This came to a head after about 3 months of him being obsessed with something very silly really and basically causing me to kick him out for a week. He's taking medication and it's been working extremely well. However his parents were dead set against him going on the medication, and I think they have been ignoring his condition for years.
Twice in the past two years he's had "episodes" wherein he becomes extremely fixated on something and harasses me with endless repetitive questions about it. It can get very very very irritating and drive me to tears. Both times it's occurred when he's been drinking, and ends as soon as he's sobered up. I think it's something not agreeing with his medication. He is not verbally abusive or violent during these times. In fact I'm the one who usually ends up swearing at him. My response during both these episodes was to go sleep in the other room, and lock the door, so he couldn't ask me dumb questions.

Besides these two incidents, we get along very well. I love him to bits. He's an amazing father, and we don't often argue or fight. When we do argue, however, we are both in the habit of ignoring each other for awhile and going and having a sulk (not the best way to handle it I know).

Anyway. We went to visit my parents two weeks ago. They live in a two bedroom condo in the US. While there DH and I got into a bit of a fight. I said something about him being on the computer the whole holiday (he was being a bit obsessive about getting a new laptop. I'm of the opinion that his medication isn't working as well at the moment, perhaps due to work stress, and we are seeing his GP next week to discuss) and he went into a strop. He ended up staying in that strop for the whole day and not going out with DP's, DS and I.

I expected the strop to be over with the next day as we had made plans to go to Disney World. But, despite my asking several times if he was going to get up and come, he decided not to. So we all went.

When we got back late, it turns out that he had been drinking all day (not normal at all) although we didn't realize it at first. He then got into one of his obsessive moods, harping at me about going to Disney World without him and not telling him we were going (even though we told him several times). I new right then that he was having an episode and I tried to tell my parents to just ignore him, he would be fine in the morning. (They know about his OCD but don't really understand it). My mother flew off the handle at him, swearing, cursing and eventually told him to get out when he wouldn't stop repeating the same things (she has a history of being verbally abusive when angry and my DH got the full brunt of it that night). My father and I tried to talk by DM out of it, but she would have none of it and out my DH went.

Now, I knew he had money, and that he could afford a hotel. He also had his DP's credit card (which he keeps for emergencies).

I was worried about him so I sent a message to his DM telling her he was having an episode and that she should try to contact him.

DH then called the cops to try and get back into the house. The cop showed up, spoke to DH for a few minutes, determined that he was quite drunk, determined myself and DS were safe with my parents and told my DF that DH was "rambling" and that he shouldn't let him back into the house tonight and he would drive him to a safe motel (which he did).

So the next day, I get a letter from MIL saying what a horrible person I was, what a disappointed I am and how could I throw her son out onto the street with no money, in a strange place. And how they would never do that to me. (although we were with them the last time he had an episode and they thought it was perfectly normal that I had to sleep on their couch at 5 months pregnant just to get away from their son for the night while he ranted).

So now, two weeks later. DH and I have made up, and he has apologized to my DP's and they to him, although there is still hurt feelings. However, I am still furious at my MIL for her email and have even cancelled my DS's baptism so I don't have to see her and FIL.

However, DH doesn't seem to think I have a right to be angry at his mother and should be mad at my own (he's swallowing his mothers "how dare you kick my baby out of the house" line).

I've set up a counseling session with DH, but that's not for another few days, and I'm still pretty raw about this.

I guess I just need some advice on who to be mad at!

Thank you needsomeperspective. My DH sounds just like yours, and he is on Cipralex at the moment. We have an appointment with a new counselor next Monday, as I'm not very happy with his current and I'll ask about Zoloft.

In regards to his strop the day before. I was surprised by how seriously he took what I said, which is when I realized his medication might not be working, but by then the downward spiral had started.

And I do realize how serious his condition is. I'm the one who urged him to get help in the first place and too stop ignoring his condition. Unlike his parents who have ignored it since he was a child. I myself suffer from severe Depression, so I don't mean to trivialize what he goes through, but I can't think of away to describe what he's like when he repeatedly questions as anything but idiotic, because that's how he sounds. He honestly doesn't make much sense.

I would love it if we could find him a medication that he could have a couple of drinks on. As he isn't an alcoholic or has never previously had drinking issues, I personally think its a shame that he can't even safely have a beer while on vacation without worrying that he's going to take a bad reaction.

I think you were in a very difficult position, and I don't think you or your parents did anything wrong while you were in the US. Yes it would have been lovely if your parents felt able to cope with you, their 8 month old grandchild and your husband's episode. However, they felt threatened and reacted accordingly. It would also have been great if you could have predicted that your husband would have difficulty on this holiday, and then you could have postponed or cancelled it, but you do not have a crystal ball, and you are entitled to try to lead a normal life that includes holidays and your family.

You did the best you could, at the time, in a bad situation.

Re: your MIL, your problem seems to be that she is putting her head in the sand re: her son's illness. I think you are entitled to feel angry and upset. However, in the end you can't control her ability to handle her son's situation. I think that (with the help of the counsellor) I would be trying to convey to my DH how frightening his behaviour must have seemed to your DPs, and that in this situation 99.9 % of people would find it difficult not to react emotionally. However, its not really your role to get your parents counselling (although you might think twice about going on holiday with them again).

Agree with nfk. Give yourself some time to feel upset, then decide which things are in your control and work on those.

You could write to both DM and tell them that blaming isn't going to achieve anything and that DHs condition is difficult and that some acceptance and empathy with your situation would be appreciated. end of (and write a letter not an email which they can dash off an ill thought out reponse to)

I've been very unimpressed with the counsellors / therapists here. And the choice is so limited. That's why DH has largely gone down the medication route. It works, its cheaper than intensive counselling and really until CBT is available here its the best option for him. Rehashing his childhood for the umpteenth time is not the answer. Even the therapist he went to see at the ACPN who was supposed to be trained in CBT just spent hours indulging his whining about the dog and asking him about his relationship with his stepdad. Seemed entirely a money making exercise rather than with any goal to improve his mental condition or give him coping techniques. I hope you have more luck.

Def look at zoloft btw. DH much better on it and it is supposed to be excellent to treat anxiety with fewer side effects than most. DH finds it doesn't have that lethargic / can't be arsed with anything effect that cipralex did. Be prepared for him to feel shattered for the first 3 weeks while his body adapts though. It does go away once you're used to it.

Oh dear, I think I just booked a session with that counselor. Darn. We had a lovely one in our previous city, but of course he can't see her anymore. I liked her because she told him right off the bat he was being unreasonable and started teaching him coping methods.

Well, will see what she says anyway.

You may have a better expriemce with her. She wasn't primarily dealing with it as OCD but a more generalised anxiety problem rooted in his childhood abuse. He could and in my opinion should have told her he was looking for help with changing his coping strategies and attitude NOW in daily life but I think rather liked to moan to someone about past wrongs instead because its just easier isn't it.