Help supporting my new partner during a messy separation...

[Sickboy]

Hi all. My new partner is currently trying to extract herself from an abusive relationship with the father of her 8-year-old son. They currently live together (in the house he owns) but have agreed to formally separate and for him to move out of the house this month and allow her to live there for a year while she sorts out something new.

He's pretty much textbook abuser: world revolves around his needs, openly demeaning in front of their son, never around himself but always berates her when she isn't around and, a few weeks ago, he was physically aggressive - pushing and threatening and restraining her and trying to smash her mobile phone.

Here's the thing...

He is now insisting on having his 8-year-old son present on the day he moves out to "help" him move his stuff. He says he doesn't have much to move and would like him to be there to help and say goodbye to, etc.

Obviously, this is a nasty ploy to demonstrate to their son how he's moving out against his will (he refuses to accept any mutuality, preferring the 'I've been forced out' martyr approach).

Does everyone else here think this is as unacceptable as I do? An 8-year-old surely can't emotionally process the subtleties of his dad leaving the family home and is much better kept away for the moment it happens...

Of course it's unacceptable and you need to encourage your friend to get away from this man as soon as possible. If he is violent and you think her child is at risk, you should tell her to involve the police. If she needs accommodation, suggest organisations like Women's Aid.

In a civilised and amicable separation, the parents should be jointly preparing the child(ren) for moving day in a positive way and, in that situation, I think it's a very good idea to involve the children with the move and the new house.

If he is burdening his son with his adult emotions and involving the son by dragging him into the why's and letting the son know it's against his will, then that's very unfair and a separate issue as to whether the son should be there. I say it's a separate issue because it will continue afterwards too.

If you want to support your girlfriend then encourage her to look for her own support.. 'Putting Children First' is a very good book that would help her with strategies. She cannot control how he behaves, but she can learn how to deal with ex's behaviour to suit her and do the best for her boy.

I may get slated for this but I think it's equally as harmful for the 8 year old to see that mummy has a new boyfriend before daddy has even left. I would take a massive step back from all this if I were you

I am glad I am not the only one uncomfortable with the new partner of a woman who hasn't actually left her current partner asking for judgments on the (almost) exs parenting.
its difficult to say whether he should or shouldn't have the child there tbh. If you say its to be abusive then, yes its wrong.
But I feel there may be more to this.

My advice is to find a nice single man.

Sorry I misread. My advice is to find a nice single lady.

Phew, I thought I was alone in thinking that it was not quite right, even though her ex was abusive, for her to have a new partner quite so soon

Does your relationship with her date from before 'they agreed to separate?' Even if nothing physical had yet happened between you?

I may get slated for this but I think it's equally as harmful for the 8 year old to see that mummy has a new boyfriend before daddy has even left.
Eep! It hadn't even occurred to me that the child would know that yet. I would really hope that isn't the case. For a good year is what is recommended.

OP, I do agree with the taking a step back. Supporting her is one thing, but this stuff isn't actually your business yet.

I think it's absolutely none of your business and I wonder if she has exchanged one controlling dp for another. You should back off

Yes a rescuer in full swing in the white horse and everything.

OP what she says about him, she will say about you as she has had no time single, no mention of therapy. What she does with you, she will do to you.

I think you should stay out of it tbh.

I am not against the fact you are together per se, we don't know the state of her current relationship, and how long it has been the way it has etc, sometimes the only time women find the courage to leave abusive relationships is when someone comes along to show them that it's not all like that and they gain the courage to leave. It's not ideal but life is rarely black and white.

However, when there are children involved I think that it is vital that any incoming partner stay out of their lives until such times as the current relationship has been resolved.

This child is going to be confused that his parents are splitting up Whatever the reasons. The xp may well be out of order suggesting what he is, but he equally may be a loving, doating father who still wants to remain a part of his child's life. It can't be easy having to be the one to move out of the family home leaving the children behind. And the mother is going to be torn between wanting finally rid of her ex and wanting a new life with you - which also involves her child.

It's not your place to be involved at this point - it really isn't. It is especially not your place to be involved with anything that involves this child and how he should be treated by his own biological parent.

Support the woman by all means, but stay out of the child's life for the time being - you will only confuse things and possibly even cause resentment from him in the future.

What everyone else said. Surely someone is not a 'partner' if they are new - you are just dating, or boyfriend/girlfriend maybe?
Be friends, support her from a distance, and try having a relationship when her current one (i.e with him) is actually over. I have been in your situation and it got very messy, and I ended up very miserable. At the very best you are BufferMan, or ReboundMan. At worst RescuerMan, or worse. Don't be that person!

You have a 'new partner' who is living in partnership with another man who happens to be the df of her 8yo son?

When the other man is deposed living elsewhere, are you planning to move in and live with your 'new partner' during her year of grace in the house he owns?

If so, I suspect 365 days will become one if you're lucky - and a few minutes to get your gear and never darken his door again if you're not

Is there any reason why she can't move in with you and let her current partner live in the house he owns alone?

Out of curiousity, would him having tried to smash her mobile phone have anything to do with her communications with you?

I was about to come on and say "mind your beeswax" but everyone beat me to it.

Honestly a situation like this is soccomplicated you cannot possibly have an informed opinion so keep out of it and just be kind to her when she needs you to be.

I started seeing someone and my ex became very uptight and unreasonable about it which was strange as he'd been cheating on me for pretty much our entire marriage. The one I was seeing had very strong opinions, very quickly and it really put me off him. One day he said to me "I think WE need to make some difficult choices about the kids seeing their Dad". I dumped him on the spot. My ex is a pig to me but loves his kids and they him. I was already under a lot of pressure with the break up anyway, the last thing I wanted or needed was another opinion and having to deal with HIS thoughts on the matter.

I haven't read all the replies but it is unacceptable. It sounds like a difficult situation and that the father is trying to turn the child against his Mother.

This website is helpful, do scroll down and read the do's and don't: www.resolution.org.uk/advice_for_parents/difficult_situations/#anchor682

At the very best this is a muddy, muddy situation. If you want any chance of making any future relationship a little clearer and have healthy foundations then step well back. I'm guessing current partner knows of your existence? You know how it started and we don't. But the mobile phone thing suggests basic jealousy stuff and if not nice at least understandable if you were OM.
Another one adding to the chorus of observe from a distance. It may not be perfect but it would be best if person staying left the one moving out time and space to pack their things and go. I'd say DS is old enough to indicate what he wants to do at 8 and you definitely shouldn't be around him until things are very settled between his parents legally, practically and emotionally.

Thanks for the kind words @adrastea, @CogitoErgoSometimes, @DontstepontheMomeRaths and others.

I'll take a look at the book/website recommendations, too. :)

I'm really disappointed to see all the cynicism in here, though.

I'm in no way a 'rescuer' or a like-for-like controller swap. She has suffered through excessive abusive/controlling behaviour for years and is struggling to extricate herself for the same reasons (he offers something and then takes it away the next day, he's alternately soft/emotional and hard/aggressive, he blatantly breaks promises and denies her input on domestic decisions).

We've both formally separated from our current partners and are in logistical limbo. Unfortunately, yes, there are children involved on both sides and we're trying our best to do the right thing to minimise the fallout for everyone. Has anyone here /really/ moved from one relationship to the next in a neat and tidy way?

And I don't feel barred from having an 'informed opinion' just because I'm emotionally invested. My instinct tells me that an 8-year-old boy of course needs to be calmly informed - by his parents - of how his home situation will be changing. But he absolutely needs to be shielded from the moment when his biological father leaves the family home - particularly when the father clearly only wants him around as leverage for what he sees as his own victimisation.

'Has anyone here /really/ moved from one relationship to the next in a neat and tidy way?'
Are you for real? Seriously? And you're both still in 'logistical limbo' as you so euphemistically put it. Good luck with this one. Poor kid.

I wonder how your dc feel about their daddy moving on so quickly. I feel for all the kids involved in this mess tbh.

i dont move from one relationship to the next.

in the situation described here, i would be moving back to my mums / into separate accomodation / womans refuge.

did you have affairs?

She's moving straight out of an abusive relationship into another relationship. Taking your point that you are not abusive, this is generally a bad move for people such as your friend. Women who are escaping abusive relationships are usually advised to spend time independently restoring their battered confidence and re-calibrating their perception of normal, which will have been badly skewed in the abusive relationship. Her child also needs a period of calm and security.

You're already getting very involved in the rights and wrongs of the matter which is understandable but, for your friend to recover from this experience, it's very important she does not swap forced dependency on one man for reliance on another.

@stoooooopidpigeon Yeah, for real. :)

By 'logistical limbo', I mean trying to get out of a shitty relationship but unable to just close the door on one before entering another - because of all kinds of domestic complications (children, mortgage, money, etc). I don't understand why that gets you so morally flustered...

@CogitoErgoSometimes Yeah, I understand that and I really am trying to hard to stay well away and give support where it's requested. I'm certainly not going to be moving into the space he's vacated. I see the year gap as grace time for her to recalibrate.

And I don't mean it's fine to serially hop from one relationship to the next. I'm just referring to the crossover and the baggage that everyone inevitably retains.

So did you two have an affair then?

Also what are the new logisitcal arrangements going to be? You planning to move in with each other? What about your wife / partner? What are your childcare arrangements going to be? This relationship unless it is a product of an affair must be pretty recent if she is still living with her husband.

All of that aside, this new partner of yours has I asuume, unless there were any legnthy breakups, spent almost a decade with her husband. One who you say is abusive. Do you really think jumping into a new relationship before she has had a chance to recover from this one is a good idea? Abusive relationships can take quite some time to get over and jumping straight into a new relationship gives her little chance to rediscover who she is, solo. Something which many people desperately need when getting out of abusive situations.

You say you are neither controlling or a 'White Knight' but posting on a parenting forum for advice on what to regarding something which is frankly none of your business is both. You think it's up to you to seek advice on how they deal with THEIR son?

Yea White Knight at best, controlling at worst. I think you should think long and hard before carrying on this relationshiop if you really have this woman's best interestes at heart.