Help supporting my new partner during a messy separation...

[Sickboy]

Hi all. My new partner is currently trying to extract herself from an abusive relationship with the father of her 8-year-old son. They currently live together (in the house he owns) but have agreed to formally separate and for him to move out of the house this month and allow her to live there for a year while she sorts out something new.

He's pretty much textbook abuser: world revolves around his needs, openly demeaning in front of their son, never around himself but always berates her when she isn't around and, a few weeks ago, he was physically aggressive - pushing and threatening and restraining her and trying to smash her mobile phone.

Here's the thing...

He is now insisting on having his 8-year-old son present on the day he moves out to "help" him move his stuff. He says he doesn't have much to move and would like him to be there to help and say goodbye to, etc.

Obviously, this is a nasty ploy to demonstrate to their son how he's moving out against his will (he refuses to accept any mutuality, preferring the 'I've been forced out' martyr approach).

Does everyone else here think this is as unacceptable as I do? An 8-year-old surely can't emotionally process the subtleties of his dad leaving the family home and is much better kept away for the moment it happens...

X-posted - So you do not plan on living together then?

I read a good book called What About the Children. I wished I'd read it sooner at the time. That is well worth a read.

Cynicism? What cynicism? I see no cynicism but I do see healthy realism laced with pragmatism.

That said, reading between the lines, you and the ow your 'new partner' began an affair while you were living with your respective current partners and the dc of those relationships.

Unless you have left your former home, it seems to me that neither of you can claim to have 'formally separated' from your current partners, but perhaps this is your euphemism for the pair of you having vowed not to have sex with your current partners?

If this is the case, would it be fair to say that your 'logistical limbo' has come about because you can't afford to live separately from your current partner and that you and the ow are waiting for her partner to leave so that you can set up home together in his house?

As for her ds seeing his 'biological father' who, presumably, the child views as his df rather than a sperm donor, move out of his family home, I can't see any cause for you to intervene and, if you and his dm are so adamantly opposed to him seeing such a sight, I would suggest that she moves out of her current partner's home with her ds.

Given that you appear to be extremely contemptuous of the ow's current partner, am I right in assuming that you intend to step into the breach, as it were, and become her ds's new all singing and dancing fun daddy?

I'm certainly not going to be moving into the space he's vacated

It seems to me you already have done but you didn't wait for him to vacate the space he fills in the ow's head.

How's she going to 'recalibrate' with you dancing attendance on her?

i think he likes her izzy, but not that much

and the children will get over it and hopefully not be too fucked up

Referring to your girlfriend's husband as the "biological Father" of his own son has highlighted your real motivation, OP. He is his Father, the child wasn't adopted, doesn't have another Father yet

You also say you're trying to minimise the fallout for all involved. No, you're not. You're being selfish, pursuing a new relationship when you were both already with your respective children's parents.

Man up. Which in this case, means ending one relationship completely before beginning another. Which you have clearly not done.

I'm wondering which of the long-suffering mumsnetters who've posted on this board happens to be the bellend's OP's soon to be ex partner... and whether she knows that he's only waiting for his 'logisitical limbo' to resolve itself before he's off playing happy families with an ow and her ds.

I find mysef on the horns of a dilemma. Should I grace this response with or [anger] or . On balance, I opt for for all of the dc involved in this sorry sordid mess.

A pair of cheats, to cheat you lie to your loved ones you both deserve each other.

You talk of the Father who lives with his child as a biological Father, what odd language, biological Father would be one who had an adopted child or abandoned a child years back.

So you want the wife, child and house of ow's dh, it is no shock he broke her mobile, pretty understandable under the circumstances.

I feel like I read a completely different OP to everyone else on here now Everyone is reading between the lines and making massive assumptions about him it seems.

Not all men are bastards and that is saying something as my ExH did leave me for a family friend. So I'm no stranger to cheating men.

It is the double cheating, interfering, dv, and this op isn't concerned for ow son at all, he.wants to get one over on ow dh.

Any loving Father would have posted looking for advice to save their marriage and be concerned about their dc.

What are you planning to do when it comes to you abandoning leaving your dc, OP?

Are you going to do a runner slope off in the middle of the night or send them on a day trip so that they'll return to their home and find it devoid of your presence and gaping holes where your belongings once were?

I agree that not all men are bastards, Raths, but this board would suggest that there's a lot of them about and so far the OP has said nothing to persuade me he's one of the good guys.

To my mind terms such as 'biological father', 'logistical limbo', 'recalibrate' suggest that he may be well named.

If you are still reading sickboy it would be far better for your new partner and her ex to talk to their son together about the fact they're breaking up and why beforehand and not just spring it on him on the day. That would be far far better for him. Give him space to ask questions and still feel loved by both his parents iyswim?

Cogito said right back in your first reply that she should speak to Womensaid, that is still very sound advice, if he is abusive.