Need support to leave my gambling addict DP

[MamaGeekChic]

Can't believe I'm in this position again, so much worse this time... Been together 8yrs, have a beautiful 1yr old DD. I love him to pieces and he loves us, he's an amazing dad. But he's an addict, and it really is no different to drink/drugs, he can't get it under control. I swore to myself I wouldn't give him another chance last time. I work horrible hours under massive pressure to earn a really good salary, I got paid yesterday and it turns out he had taken out payday loans in my name to fund the habit- I had to pay these back as soon as I found out yesterday. We split up because of this 2.5yrs ago, I missed him so much, we went on holiday together as he convinced me he had changed/had it under control, i fell pg with DD and we have ended up here. He has nowhere to go, I don't know how i'll cope on my own, he's been a SAHD and only recently gone back to work PT with DD is in nursery 2 days. Financially I'll be ok long term but short term I'm in debt, again, I've paid off thousands in gambling debts before and i'll need to do it again. What on earth do I do? Please don't post if you can't understand that it's like an illness, he hates himself for what he's done, it's a real compulsion and he is getting help. I just need some support/guidance to get some security for me and DD. Thanks.

I would lock away ALL documents. Every single one. He must use something in your name to get these loans. I'm sure you have been down the road of removing his bank cards etc?

I'm going to take everything to my work on Monday, I can lock them in my desk there. It looks like all he needed was bank account details, DOB, previous addresses etc :( Yeah I've done all the bank cards thing and I have again today not that theres anything in them now I guess i'd let my guard slip a bit as it's been almost a year since the last time, I thought he had got better. This is all so surreal.

So what triggered him this time?

Also, how are you going to manage til next payday?

Oh I'm sorry.

I would suggest getting some sort of legal/financial advice, and also consulting the agencies that help gambling addicts and their families. I appreciate that you probably don't want to inform the police that this man has committed theft and fraud, though it might actually be a good thing if he got arrested - but it might be possible to get some of the payday loan companies to allow you time to pay the debts and reduce the interest (don't feel any guilt about stiffing them as much as possible, they are all sharks anyway).

I've been really busy at work- working away etc, he was bored/lonely... he thinks he's got it under control and can put a couple of £ on for fun, but he can't, it just spirals... Until next payday, i'll be living in my overdraft, assuming the situation isnt actually worse than I know at the moment, I'll manage.

I think Gamblers Anonymous has a family support section? That might be worth a look? Has he been in touch with them before? It might also be worth changing bank account numbers as this info could have been written down to be used again etc?

I had a gambling problem years ago (all debts paid now thank goodness) and it still rears it's head once in a blue moon. But I know the "trigger" for me is intense stress and I recognise the "feeling" that I want to gamble, it's like an itch that has to be scratched, is always justifiable (even the most ludicrous reasons). I allow myself a token amount to gamble. Before I do it, I picture DH's reaction if he found out I had spent a stupid amount and that stops me going further. It's not easy though.

The support you need to leave will come from making a positive decision to divorce yourself from this man in every sense of the word. Physically, emotionally and, if necessary, geographically. Get help rather than trying to do it solo in the form of legal advice, emotional support and counselling if you think that would help. His behaviour was never your responsibility and, however much you may think you love him, it is not reciprocated... you're just a meal-ticket. I deeply regret the years I wasted with a different kind of addict and how devious he could be suckering me into his personal nightmare. I'm glad he's getting help for his problem and I'm glad you've decided enough is enough.

Thanks everybody, i have looked at the gamcare family forums etc I just find it all so hard to identify with. I've stuck my head in the sand about this so many times, i saw the signs in the last few weeks but allowed him to convince me he wasn't. His mum has been causing us lots of problems recently, so hes been under a lot of stress. I should've known.

I can't bear telling anone in RL yet. All that sympathy :( and the people who'll be annoyed because they warned me that going back to him last time was a mistake. People find it so hard to understand that he's not choosing to do this. So many 'i told you so's :(

Don't blame his mum or stress.... those are his excuses. He lost you once because of gambling and it's about to happen again because he's been lying, stealing and committing fraud in your name. Losing the family he's supposed to care so much about should be incentive enough to keep his nose clean

If you think he has no choice you're falling into the same trap as the addict. It's a harder choice to stop the behaviour but it is still a choice. If you're serious about ditching him this time, tell friends and family and take the 'I told you so' on the chin. There's no going back once you've done that and I think that's what you need.

Hi Mama

Sorry youve been put in this position, I know its sounds hard, but to be honest he wont get any kind of real help or realise he needs it without paying you lip service, unless he is allowed to hit rock bottom.

You constantly providing solutions to his debts and problems is the problem here, I would report him to the police for fraud, and kick him out, this kind of addiction knows no bounds so you have to give it some. You will have to put aside you emotions and close ranks to protect yourself and your child, because he isnt doing that, he is in the throws of an illness, and the only way to fight illness or disease is to cut it off from everything that allows it to thrive.

That includes home comforts support money and sympathy. He needs to witness and see for himself the consequences of his actions, because its you and your child that are suffering at the moment. I will be hard and you will feel wretched but for sanities sake I would do all of the above, love cant solve this only he can .

x

I know it's going to be hard to admit - but it's not your shame - all you're guilty of is wanting to believe him and giving him another chance. You did nothing wrong, he has let you down.

I just can't see how I can make him leave, he has absolutely no-where to go. He's been DDs main carer for the last 14months. I've got work on Monday. I've just helped him set up his wee business to get back to work- his first job was only 10days ago.

Thing is, you cannot trust this man and you cannot control his behaviour. If you cut off his access to money he will steal your belongings and sell them. He will borrow money from criminals ie illegal loan sharks, and put you and your DD at risk of violence.
This is what addicts do.

Sorry, no real advice but just wanted to say I know what it's like living with a gambling addict. My xh was one and it's very hard for people to understand that it is just like any other addiction.

We had nothing in our house, it was almost empty. Why? Because when money ran out he would sell ANYTHING just for a couple if quid to gamble. Nothing I said or did stopped him. And just like any other addiction, it will stop only when they want it to.

I've been divorced for 20 years and he still gambles. So sorry you are going through this.

Just to add, what sgb says is spot on.

Thanks for sharing LifeOnMars2, can i ask what eventually pushed you to leave? was it the right decision? Its so hard because when he's not gambling he's everything i ever wanted and my best friend. We've been together since we were 17. I'm terrified of life without him. He's also very handsome so I'm sure will fall into another relationship very quickly.

A family member was in a similar position so I have some idea of how upset you are feeling.

Sadly, her ex-h's gambling debts lead to them both becoming bankrupt and losing their home. Even now, quite a few years on she is unable to get a mortgage or loan because her credit rating is so poor. Like your DH he is a great father and kept telling her that he would get help.

Please understand that this isn't your fault and you can't solve his problems. Don't let him drag you down with him but save yourself and your DD from financial ruin. If he moves out he will have to manage by moving in with friends and family. It's quite clear that you need to put yourself first in order to keep a roof over your head. Please get both of your credit ratings checked as your finances may be much worse than you imagine. It is possible that there may be debts that you are not yet aware of.

My credit rating is all ready awful because of it, hence him resorting to 'payday' loans this time. He has no friends with space and we aren't speaking to his family due to his mum being awful towards me. They just don't get how bad his gambling is, his mum has blamed me in the past.

*already

If you kick him out and his mum blames you and is awful to you then that's where he'll end up. Blood's thicker than water etc. They won't see him on the streets.

You're write that you are terrified of life without him - believe me life without him would be a lot bloody easier than the disaster of a life you (and by turn your child) are living now. You'd be financially solvent for a start instead of looking at a pile of debt; debt that he has made. He has already wreaked your credit rating; he is well on the way to wreaking your whole existance.

Stop feeling so sorry for him; it is precisely that attitude that keeps you both stuck and tied to him. He is just using you for what he can take from you, he certainly does not feel real remorse for what he has and continues to do to you. His gambling debts are his alone, enabling him as you have done has not worked and has infact prolonged the agonies for you. Bailing him out does not help him, far from it. Gambling to him is the first, last and everything. Everything and everyone else is not important enough, the gambling is all important to him and he cannot stop.

You met him when you were 17 and thus naive and with no life experience behind you. You have continued to bail him out/enable him and look where its got you.

I would also suggest you talk to Gamcare

Their helpLine on 0808 8020 133.