Need support to leave my gambling addict DP

[MamaGeekChic]

Can't believe I'm in this position again, so much worse this time... Been together 8yrs, have a beautiful 1yr old DD. I love him to pieces and he loves us, he's an amazing dad. But he's an addict, and it really is no different to drink/drugs, he can't get it under control. I swore to myself I wouldn't give him another chance last time. I work horrible hours under massive pressure to earn a really good salary, I got paid yesterday and it turns out he had taken out payday loans in my name to fund the habit- I had to pay these back as soon as I found out yesterday. We split up because of this 2.5yrs ago, I missed him so much, we went on holiday together as he convinced me he had changed/had it under control, i fell pg with DD and we have ended up here. He has nowhere to go, I don't know how i'll cope on my own, he's been a SAHD and only recently gone back to work PT with DD is in nursery 2 days. Financially I'll be ok long term but short term I'm in debt, again, I've paid off thousands in gambling debts before and i'll need to do it again. What on earth do I do? Please don't post if you can't understand that it's like an illness, he hates himself for what he's done, it's a real compulsion and he is getting help. I just need some support/guidance to get some security for me and DD. Thanks.

Don't get me wrong. He will be leaving, just practically/emotionally I don't know how/when. In my heart I know it's over. I feel so sad for DD though, she's a proper daddies girl. I may have been naive at 17 but i'm now 25 and have known nothing else, its a scary prospect. I think it may take a couple of months (with everyting locked in my office) to sort out childcare and work for him, he has some work for the rest of this month and I need some of that money. For me, and my mental health, I need this to be calm and planned, matter of fact. Not a knee jerk reaction with all the drama and tears that will ensue.

I had to comment just to let you know my DPs experience.

His Dad was a gambler, his mother stayed with him but ended up very bitter and lonely as lost friends who he had borrowed from. He always said he would stop but just couldnt.

He died 5 years ago and we discovered thousands of £££ of hidden debt on credit cards.

If it was me I would split, put DD into a nursery , it isnt your problem if he has nowhere to go which sounds incredibly callous but true. Easy for me to say and very very hard for you to do. I wish you luck whatever path you choose and would never judge you in what decision you make.

Sorry x post with you, you are so young (to an old fart like me!) You will get by, you sound very level headed.

Hi mama, can I ask if he has considered gamblers anonymous?

He'll make sure it takes a few years, not a couple of months. He'll sense weakness, sharpen up his act for a while, turn on the charm and make the most of your indecision. Knees don't have to be jerked but 'he who hesitates is lost'

Sinead, yes he has started attending. Cogito, it's me who needs the time- money/childcare arrangements etc I cant jeopardise my job over this. He has no idea that this is my intention.

They say in early days, you should be attending quite a few times a week, maybe this can get it under control, then he should be attending each week, good luck with your decisions

You won't get that money. He will gamble it. You CANNOT rely on him in the least.

I know it sounds stupid but I will... I know his patterns. He loses an amount like this, realises what he's done, i find out, then he keeps it under control for 3-4 months, sometimes longer. Its been the same for the last 2 years. Before that it was more of a daily habit but he's now self excluded from all local betting shops etc.

Hi Mana, with my xh, his gambling came hand in hand with violence unfortunately. I too had been with him since I was 17 so I understand how you feel. I finally left because I realised he would never change because he didn't want to.

Hello, I haven't got anything practical to add ( as we have doen the same, cards, passports, paperwork locked in a secret safe, pins a diff number etc) but I wanted to say that I am in the same situation with my DH, except he is the main bread winner.

I send virtual hugs and support. it's so hard to know what to do when the only problem is the addiction, not the person.

I was once given some advice by another lady in a similar situation on when to leave, which was the addict has to reach rock bottom to get better and the partner has to reach rock bottom to leave. not sure if that helps but maybe when you know you have reached the end of the road is the time to leave and until then protect yourself as much as you can and get your partner as much help as possible. We are about to to try hypnotherapy ( to add to his weekly attendance at GA's)

Lots of love

Heart- that's exactly it, the only problem is the addiction, apart from that he's the love of my life. It feels like i'm beng forced to break up my family because of something neither of us can control.

Oh Mama, it's so tough for you. How about a separation while he gets the help you talk about so he can concentrate on getting well and you can concentrate on securing a future. if you both think it would a positive thing you could still see each other lots etc etc.. Just a thought, may be a naive one but still worth considering.

also I wanted to ask what support do you have, it's so important to look after yourself and seek help if you need it, maybe a bit of therapy would help you come to some conclusions. Lastly the citizens advice bureau maybe helpful in giving practical advice on how to protect yourself financially.

X

I don't think staying with your husband is helping him resolve his addiction. Its just financing it. And unfortunately dragging you and your child down with him. Thats the reality.

If he really wants to face his addiction, he can do so quite ably without you, there are plenty of organisations GA etc where he can get support. It is a sobering thought that as long as you take no legal steps to address this or remain married you are financially tied in a way that could be even more financially destructive than you have already experienced.

Concerned

Jane, thanks but we're not married. We were supposed to be getting married next week actually but I cancelled it last time he gambled and his mum stuck her oar in... thankfully! That would've made everything much more complicated, sadly it does mean that the debt he's run up is 100% mine.

"People find it so hard to understand that he's not choosing to do this."

Bullshit.

He absolutely is choosing to do this.

To you.

And your little girl.

It is his addiction that makes such crazy choices attractive to him, but he is still making them.

The fact that he would be a good man if he wasn't a selfish, dishonest thief who will ruin you is pretty meaningless.

The man you're with will steal all your money to fund his habit.

He is quite literally taking food from his daughter's mouth.

You are right that you can't control this.

But he must learn to so. Alone.

While you and his daughter are protected from him.

Why have you paid loans back that he fraudulently obtained in your name? Surely they should not have given him loans in your name and you need to explain to them that you havent taken them out!

I feel for you MamaGeek, I really do. This is an awful situation, that you need to get out of.

My DM has been married to my Step father for almost 25 years. He's now universally hated in my family. I appreciate it is an addiction, but her husband is in a cycle of gamble, repent, go to GA for a couple of months, lull my DM into a false sense of security and bang it starts again.

We're now in the position where my Mum is approaching retirement with a 6 figure sum of debt hanging over her head and he has even stolen money from bank accounts my Mum set up in my children's name.

She can't turn her back on him, but I believe the stress of this will kill her. Get out now before you find yourself in the same position.