32, no future to look forward to :(

[WoodchipWall]

Hello

I have been a member of MN for some years now, under different Usernames at times.

I am now a single Mum of two DCs. I left my P some two years ago now and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and never want to go through it again. MN was my 'bible' at times and made me see sense and gave some wonderful advice.

So it took me years to leave ex and I've never looked back. I have not regretted it for a second and I know that I did the right thing, for all of us.

However, all that aside, I am lonely and struggling with being single.

I am scared that this is my life now and it's not a very good one. I just feel I'm existing rather than living.

I've had two serious relationships since leaving ex........the first turned out to not be the person I thought he was and the second was far too committed to his cans of Stella and 40 fags a day.

All I want to do is.......nothing! I am sitting here typing this while I have three mountain peaks of washing needing to be done and three mountain peaks of clean washing needing to be put away. There are dishes in the sink, there is something smelling in the fridge, the floors are sticky, the carpets have bits all over them and the beds are un-made yet I have no urge to do any of it.

I'm a rubbish Mum..........I choose frozen and canned food to feed my DCs when I should be giving them fresh, nutritious food.

I desperately need to lose weight. I just cannot get my head around it.

I long, and always have, to get married, have more children and be someone's life partner but it's looking less and less likely now.

My ex, continues to put me down........at contact handovers, I get comments like 'you've really let yourself go since leaving me' and 'turning to the bottle a bit too much aren't we' (I drink Friday/Saturday nights only). I know I should ignore but I can't as he's probably right.

I am losing control of the household finances.......bills coming out of my ears and no money to pay them.

I am clearly not meant to be a single mum but here I am, doing a crappy job at it and it's what I wanted!!

Can't shake these feelings.

Back to work on Monday after summer hols off and as it's getting me out of this bloody house, I'm actually looking forward to it.

Not looking for any answers or advice really as there isn't any I deserve but needed to get it out of my head somehow.

sitting in a dirty untidy house can be very very depressing. i find i start in one room, get that tidy and them methodically work through the rest. it really doesnt take long once you get going. TBH it may be no wonder your son is lazy - why wouldnt he be if thats the example you are giving him :(

my one piece of advice would be dont turn on the internet until your chores are done, it sucks motivation and time away like nobody's business

I was a single mum at your age but to one DS. I remember feeling the same as you - completely out of control and a terrible mother and with the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. I cried so much and felt constantly stressed and miserable. I wasn't living the life I wanted to and this wasn't what I thought family life was going to be. I was incredibly lonely and had gone and had a terrible relationship after my EX P left which left me bruised and hurt again.

I turned into a self help book junkie and was at a total loss as to how my life had taken the turns it had to get to me this point.

In the end I took a sabbatical from work, even though my finances were a disaster, just to get my head together. I was treading water in every aspect of my life (though sometimes not even doing that). That helped hugely though I know not possible for everyone. My mood improved and I gained confidence and got some perspective. I started a policy of saying "yes" to just about every invite and went to a lunch (aged 35) met a fantastic man, married him at 36 - had a baby! Now pg with another due in December and DH will adopt my DS.

So don't assume unhappy endings. It was such a hard time - I understand your unhappiness and your concern that this is forever - but I now know it was a phase of my life and not the only story of my life. Sounds corny I know but believing things can change and changing tiny things can make all the difference.

p.s. Your EX is an Ex for good reason - take no notice what he says to you about your appearance. Ignore. Even if he has a point no one has any business saying things like that unless they're coming from a place of love and concern - and even then it's flippin iffy. What a nob.

As for the food and the chores - I gave my kids a microwaved meal tonight for their tea because was too tired to cook again and I'm surrounded by mess and on MN instead. Another thing I've learnt since getting married is that a lot of things I put down to being a single parent haven't gone away - sometimes it's just about being a parent and giving yourself a break. This is internal critical dialogue - don't beat yourself up so much.

Wishing you a lovely Sunday evening before work which I hope lifts you tomorrow.

Thanks Giraffe......that's happy ending I'd love to inspire to. Well not ending but a slightly more desired life journey. I'll see how I get on in work and go from there. Decided to take one day at a time and not think ahead at the moment. I've done a few house chores today...not much but something :)

pacific dogwood,thanks for putting the patient link up, it would be really useful for more than just op and me! can you look at that link please? it just seems to lead to a title page and not onto the actual guide iyswim? thanks

There should be a link on that page? No?

I have to run just now, just marking my place - again .

I'll have a look at it later.

Woodchip - At 32, you are a baby! I met DH at 32, married him at 33. DD came when I was 34 and DS when I was 38.

During the time when your ex has the kids, how about allocating fixed periods of time for:
(1) Finances: Budget, pay bills, plan for the future
and
(2) Exercise: Run! It costs virtually nothing (just a pair of shoes, which you might already have), it's very effective in weight loss & toning up, and it is sure to get the happy hormones going in your brain

I like BUPA's couch to 5K program. It really isn't that difficult - you start with running only 1 minute at a time.

I guarantee you that you will feel much better about everything once you start doing the above. Good luck

Thanks Cote, I'm going to have a read through that this evening :)

Woodchip you sound sad, there is some good advice here though. I think you sound like you're doing a great job.

Is there any way you could find time to get some exercise? If I feel low I always find out helpful, it might help with the weight loss too. It will definitely give you a boost if you find something you enjoy.

Hi Celtic, thank you for posting. I am incredibly sad at the moment :(

I am totally lacking in motivation but I really want to get up off my backside, lose this extra flab and try and get a bit of self confidence back.

Went back to work today and everyone was charting and hugging and I was included but I felt a million miles away even though I was in the same room :(

Oh dear, you are hurting a lot from the sound of it woodchip. Depression absolutely sucks the strength out of you, as much as flu does: in fact it can be worse, because you know when flu goes you'll feel better. With depression it's not so clear, and too easy to blame yourself (but please don't! )

If you are on ADs it might be time to consider another visit to the doc, as a change of formulation might be needed. You aren't meant to struggle on like this with no help. At least you could discuss your options?

Have an un MN hug (()) &

Aaargh, I just lost a loooong post, so will just send these linkies ahead and then try again if it bloody works:

www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/c25k/Pages/couch-to-5k.aspx

www.patient.co.uk/health/Depression.htm
www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/selfhelp

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/depression.asp

www.moodscope.com/login

Aha, much better .

So, in order:
Couch to 5k is a really gentle introduction to running. Easy, easy.

Depression leaflet from Patient UK is comprehensive, evidence based summary of what depression is, how it can affect people and what can be done about.
NTW self-help is the link I was trying to provide earlier.

Moodjuice - more self-help guide.

Moodscope sends daily emails to remind you to exercise your 'positive thinking' muscles . In the same way as negative thinking can make you feel worse and worse, challenging these patterns can make you feel better. Does not come natural to a lot of people and requires practice, but in the same way as you don't have to be a musical genius to pick out chopsticks on the piano, you can learn positive thinking.

Woodchip, your day sounds productive, so you have achieve stuff.

I just wish I could take some of my own advice re the whole exercise thing...
.

Woodchip I'm sorry you felt low at work. Here's to a better day tomorrow.

With exercise, I think the trick is to try to make it a habit. What works for me is planning something like an evening run and thinking of it as compulsory, so I have it in mind all day and I don't then come home and find other things to do. I've heard really good things about couch to 5k as recommended by Pacific. Just a small target like a fast walk for ten minutes would be a great start and might lift your mood a little bit.

I wish you so much luck.

www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/c25k/Pages/couch-to-5k.aspx

www.patient.co.uk/health/Depression.htm
www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/selfhelp

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/depression.asp

www.moodscope.com/login

There. Acutal links... time to go to bed, me thinks

Oh my goodness, thank you very much for doing all that for me.....I really do appreciate it so much!! [Thanks]

Slightly better day today......I was really busy so, it sounds silly but, I hardly had time to think about anything other than what I was actually doing.

So far this week I've managed to get all tomorrow's work/school clothes ready for next day (including tonight) and doing little bits in the house as I go from room to room. I've also joined the Gingerbread website forums :)

Little things but its something x

I hadn't even had my children at 31. I had it all ahead of me, the abusive relationship too. And like you, leaving that was the hardest thing I've ever done. The biggest mistake and yet leaving it was the strongest thing I've ever done. I honestly know how you feel. {{margaritas}} I am basically in your shoes but ten years older. It can be hard to stay positive.

I can't quite believe that I ended up being the single mother amongst all the mothers I know. My x is resolutely determined not to pay maintenance so things are tough. BUT hearing somebody else's woes won't cheer you up. ::-/

I just wanted to say that you're not alone and your feelings aren't ridiculous or strange.

I have just met somebody really nice and I'm 42! I kind of wish my children were older as that would give me more freedom. when you're my age your children will be older. I'm looking forward to a relationship that isn't about kids! having them, not having them, putting up with them :-p

I like to make lists too. I love crossing things off.

can you post a link to gingerbread forum? (is that allowed)

Small goals, lists, budgets, rewards.

set some small goals for yourself to achieve some of the things you want to, sometimes aiming to be a fabulous superwoman can be overwhelming.

Fabulous superwoman might be to you - providing nutritious meals for kids, having a good social life, managing to pay all the bills.

A few small goals towards this might be healthy meal one night a week, inviting a friend round for a cuppa, writing out a budget. Dont try and be fabulous all at once.

When I get overwhelmed I write out lists and goals. I sometimes start with a budget and meal planning (being healthy and losing control of money is my thing)

Also be nice to yourself and reward yourself with little treats x My favourite is 'I deserve a big fat bath tonight'

x

Hope you find something useful in there x.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Link for Para above....

I've started making lists, its going to have to be a 'new' habit form though as it's not something I've done before really........

If..... you do go down the path of exercise (and don't overwhelm yourself) i recommend jillian michaels dvds. SOmebody said they went for a run, but that's so much harder for a single parent. I like to do a 35 minute workout most evenings. You do feel stronger and fitter MENTALLY as well. Jillian Michaels tells you to finish strong. I finished a course I was struggling with last year, i was so tempted to give up on it and i credit jillian partly because she was yelling at me to 'finish strong', 5 nights a week! I do get a buzz of endorphins after exercising which makes me feel less invisible, less insignificant, ykwim? (health benefits and better figure ASIDE here). Get the kids in bed and do a 35 minute workout and then cross it off your list work out done