32, no future to look forward to :(

[WoodchipWall]

Hello

I have been a member of MN for some years now, under different Usernames at times.

I am now a single Mum of two DCs. I left my P some two years ago now and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and never want to go through it again. MN was my 'bible' at times and made me see sense and gave some wonderful advice.

So it took me years to leave ex and I've never looked back. I have not regretted it for a second and I know that I did the right thing, for all of us.

However, all that aside, I am lonely and struggling with being single.

I am scared that this is my life now and it's not a very good one. I just feel I'm existing rather than living.

I've had two serious relationships since leaving ex........the first turned out to not be the person I thought he was and the second was far too committed to his cans of Stella and 40 fags a day.

All I want to do is.......nothing! I am sitting here typing this while I have three mountain peaks of washing needing to be done and three mountain peaks of clean washing needing to be put away. There are dishes in the sink, there is something smelling in the fridge, the floors are sticky, the carpets have bits all over them and the beds are un-made yet I have no urge to do any of it.

I'm a rubbish Mum..........I choose frozen and canned food to feed my DCs when I should be giving them fresh, nutritious food.

I desperately need to lose weight. I just cannot get my head around it.

I long, and always have, to get married, have more children and be someone's life partner but it's looking less and less likely now.

My ex, continues to put me down........at contact handovers, I get comments like 'you've really let yourself go since leaving me' and 'turning to the bottle a bit too much aren't we' (I drink Friday/Saturday nights only). I know I should ignore but I can't as he's probably right.

I am losing control of the household finances.......bills coming out of my ears and no money to pay them.

I am clearly not meant to be a single mum but here I am, doing a crappy job at it and it's what I wanted!!

Can't shake these feelings.

Back to work on Monday after summer hols off and as it's getting me out of this bloody house, I'm actually looking forward to it.

Not looking for any answers or advice really as there isn't any I deserve but needed to get it out of my head somehow.

This gives you a link to an on-line self-help guide for low mood. Not the same as having another person in the room, but maybe better than nothing in the short-term?

This is why I love MN! Thank you all........feels reassuring to know I'm not alone.......isn't it strange the feeling of being alone when your logical sense knows you're not but being talked to makes you actually believe it??!

Thank you millions Pacific, going to work through that now.......make a cuppa tea first and take some paracetamols......got a bad head

Perhaps a new set of house rules? You could use the beginning of term as a start-point for the new rules and mixture of carrot and stick.

For the teen where he only gets to go out/game/whatever after he's completed a couple of chores a day? Comes home from school, does homework, does dishes, puts on a load of washing, while you cook, has tea and then off to do whatever he likes? Same for your dd with age-appropriate tasks.

I know it's not easy to stick to 'though, when they whinge and strop.

Well I can certainly try that........DS is so lazy that his bedroom floor has about 4 pairs or shorts/trousers that you can see hes just pushed them off and he's stepped out of them and that's where they remain, as two leg holes.......

My dd can be like that too. Dirty knickers and all. Ugh.

I've been off all summer too, though moving house and writing a dissertation have kept me busy. I have had to lose my rag with my two, and so has DP, to get them upright and involved in helping with packing etc.

It is easier to give in and do it yourself, I know that, but it is not unreasonable to expect your DC to help around the house. Stand firm, get tough, reward what they do well and agree sanctions for what they fail to do. My DD gets home from school before I do and there will be things for her to do before she sinks down in front of the tv with her phone in one hand and ipod in the other! We started off by insisting on beds being made, it was such a big deal at first but even highly-resistant DD2 has to admit that it only takes 15 seconds and she was spending longer than that moaning and resisting .

Hello Woodchip

Firstly you don't sound like a rubbish Mum at all. Quite the contrary. It sound like you are just a bit frozen as life as a single parent is sometimes quite overwhelming, not to mention feeling low, possibly a bit depressed.

I speak from experience. I am 42 (yikes) and became an unexpected single parent to a (now) 4 year old overseas and I'm unable to return back to the UK for legal reasons. I have - and sometime continue to be - overwhelmed by the enormity of being on my own, working and being a single parent and often have times when everything just feels to scary and the future quite bleak and I have - and sometimes do - spend hours staring into space on my balcony when, like you, I have a mountain of things I should be doing.

I think the key is that when you look at everything as a whole it CAN be quite overwhelming. You need to take things step by step if you want to try and change the pattern you have fallen into and not try and do everything at the same time.

As many of the posters have highlighted, trying to address your low mood is a priority and I shan't add to the great advise you have received on here other than to say please don't feel bad about seeking any help from your GP as you are the lynch pin of your household and you do need to look after yourself - its not indulgent - it is a necessity.

As I've said it sounds like you are a great mum but if you do want to change some of the patterns and behaviours that you talk about then baby steps and there are lots of relatively easy wins you can have. For example in terms of the food thing - I know the feeling of not being arsed after a day at work (and I don't like to cook) and the whole mess and bother that it can sometimes seem. I never thought I would the type of person to do this but once a week or so I wash and chop vegetables and put them in plastic containers in the fridge so it is literally just as easy to grab a handful of fresh carrots or broccoli to boil or steam than frozen ones (not there is anything wrong with frozen veg per se but it is cheaper to buy fresh anyway, certainly where I live). Ditto, big batches of spag bol or pasta sauce or wrap fillings or pizza (with bought bases - am not entirely insane ; ) and then freeze them. If I am cooking from scratch and getting chopping boards etc out, then I will chop up say stuff for risotto next evening so it is almost like having a ready meal done as all i have to do is quickly put together. Sorry if this sounds like teaching you to suck eggs but I find it easy to do in one or two concerted efforts and that is the week taken care of. It also sounds like your kids are of the age when they can help do it (my 4 year old gets roped in although easier to coerce at that age!). I also do the same, chopping up melon and other fruits for desert etc. By the way all this makes me sound like Martha Stewart.

Same thing baby steps approach might be used for your concerns about your weight. Can you add more walking to your day? is your son old enough to look after your 7 year old (sorry am not clued up about kids older than mine in terms of what is both legal and realistic) for half an hour or so a few time a week when you could take some time out to clear your head?

Re cleaning, great advise already, sounds like you can get some help from your DC using the aforementioned carrot and stick? Also when you do have super boring things to do (like ironing) I tend to watch a DVD or listen to an audio book from the library to try and not make it seem so crushingly dull.

Re your age and meeting someone else - I think until you DO meet someone it seems unlikely but age is on your side and (although my story didn't end well) I was 34 when I met by ex H so oodles of time! I've not written myself off and I'm 10 years older!

Re your ex - you already recognise you should ignore him. you can only let someone make you feel bad if you give them permission. don't give him permission. we can all do better in life but remember you are doing the best you can - your OP proves you are very self aware and want to make things better for yourself - and frankly he can't be very happy if he makes the effort and has the energy to want to make you feel bad about yourself. People who are content would not do this.

I hope the above doesn't sound patronising. I don't normally post very much but I very much identified with the feeling of being frozen in the moment and overwhelmed and wanted to share things that have helped me cope. Its very much a work in progress - I say its like snakes and ladders and sometimes the snakes win but as long as I keep climbing, and want to climb the ladders, I feel like I'm doing OK.\

Good luck
Dolly x

ooh
meant to say, all this makes me sound like Martha Stewart which I am most definately NOT!

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me Dolly. You sound like a fab Mum and doing very well.

I am someone that is terrible for looking at things as a whole. I look at the house as one big mess and just do not know where to start, so I don't! I think I'm going to try and make some lists though as others have suggested and tackle one thing at a time. It's worth a go and I have nothing to lose.....plus HAVE to do something!

I think I have a little notebook that hasn't been used much that I can use as a little task book.

Really, thank you again for posting. It really does help.
x

Ahem...frozen veg are often fresher than fresh veg IMHO.
I ink it's really easy to get overwhelmed by household stuff...i know I do sometimes esp after the dc have been off school for a while..it took me 4 hours to clean the conservatory yesterday! :(
I am trying to get into a routine wrt washing/drying etc and it's working so far...I wash in the afternoon/evenng and ever put it in an airer or hang it outside next morning.
Re: floors etc..are your dc old enought to help?
Kids can sweep and mop ime and some actually enjoy it!
Dusting etc can be done as you are puttiing the washing away.

Let me point you towards two things you can look at, which might help you today.

www.flylady.net/d/getting-started/31-beginner-babysteps/

www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Your-Together-Get-Organized-ebook/dp/B00338QF1O/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1346500850&sr=8-6

Both resources come from women who have found themselves overwhelmed by life, and their homes. They write with kindness and humour (look out for CHAOS!)

You don't have to start with big things. Small steps, starting today, will help you move forwards in your life.

Thanks Badvoc, I've just mentioned sweeping to DD and she said yes, if she can also use the long duster to get the cobwebs off ceiling light.....bless her.

Getting on the case of those books now, thanks for the tip LadyWordy.

I'd also add that I think it is quite rare to find a Mum (or Dad) that is the living emodiement of the parent they thought they would be irrespective of the circumstances. I was talking to a - on paper - very sorted happily married friend - about how I worried that over the last two years (I was polaxed by my separation/divorce and am worried that I let me son down by being down and distracted and stressed for a good year or so) and she reminded me that the things I worried about not doing well enough, most parents did too.....cut yourself a bit of slack whilst you make the small changes to be even better xx

Another one here who met my now dh in my 30s ... And had an abusive controlling ex who would still get one up on me if I let him - I just only correspond with him about contact for dd aged9 and refuse to discuss or show emotion to anything else he says. Is there anyone else (mum maybe etc) who could facilitate contact for a bit so you don't even have to see him? (When dd was very little my mum would do that for me).

I met my dh on plenty of fish :) (after a lot of total nutters!!!) I had been trying for a baby with my ex husband (not dd's dad - two failed long term relationships before dh) when he walked out on me and I was in bits thinking I would now never have another baby due to age and ivf issues and then I met dh..... Ds aged 11 weeks is smilling at me from his bouncy chair now. :)

You've got lots of time. Hell my mums starTed dating again and she's 63!! :)

Wiggle, your experiences (and your mums) are inspiring, thank you :)

re-read my post and it might come across a bit ! Sorry? there's a reason I know about these resources

I am not a natural organiser. No horrible XP to wear me down, though other things do. More stuff I find helpful:

1. To break something down into small steps ? use time slots, or numbers.

Example: Spend 15 minutes on clearing up/ironing/tidying kids' toys. Put/throw 3 things away.

1. Tidiness = reduction in number of objects to look at (This was a breakthrough for me....OK, probably not to others though!)

1. Start small (or you'll never start). If there's a task you've been putting off (paying bills, checking your statement) promise you'll spend 10 minutes on it. Then stop! You can do another 10 minutes after a break, or some other time.

OK I'm off to practise what I preach....

but PS: Don't let that XP drain your energy. You need your energy. Tell him to take a hike if he's rude again.

Great advice here

And remember - you are not rubbish! You're a capable woman and you need to believe in yourself. Having a man around will not in itself solve anything (you know that- you have experienced rubbish relationships)
The secret is to work on improving the things in your life you're not happy with, and then life has a way of making nice surprises. You may meet a lovely man in the future- but whether you do or not, If you've worked at feeling happy with your life regardless, then you'll be in a better place

Thanks Lady....I have ordered the book and signed up for the CHAOS newsletters :)

I have made my bed and sorted through the dog blankets by the washing machine.

Little bit something.....................

It's hard to feel not rubbish when it seems I'm surrounded with rubbish! Although I know you're right Janey, thank you x

I can't tell you how therapeutic it's to get some black bin bags and go through all the crap stuff in my house :)
I got rid of 2 bin bags yesterday of broken toys/bits of games/half finished colouring books etc.
I also regularlyave a toy cull prior to b days and Xmas as I need space for new things and the house will not magically get bigger!
I really rcommend Ikea storage...second hand if you have to...I have 3 lotsf trofast units, and 2 toy boxes.
They are great and hide a multitude of sins :)
I make my bed as I get it of it each morning - it makes me feel smug that's it's only 7am and I have already done some housework :)

If you're constantly beating yourself up, try writing a list each day of the things you HAVE done. EG:

   2 loads of laundry in machine.
   De fleaed cat.
   Refereed 3 kids' arguments.
   Made packed lunches.
   Fed cat.
   Did washing up.
   Checked bank statement.
   Took kids to park.

Then take a moment to congratulate yourself on getting so much done!

I am giving advice here I probably didnt follow myself but try to find things to do to please YOU and only YOU. You believe you need a partner to make yourself a happy fulfilled life but just stop and think of the millions of single women out there who have happy lives without a partner - it is possible.

So if your aim in life was to be happy, not to find a partner, things might be easier (and I'm talking trivial things as well as life changing stuff, going for a walk in the countryside/ park, hair do, favourite tv prog, learning to knit, join book club anything that might give YOU pleasure). And make a point of saying to yourself how nice/enjoyable/refreshing whatever it was, was. Also DCs want a relaxed mum long before they want clean house, they would look blank if you mentioned sticky floors or whatever

Yes, I understand that and want to be like that sooooo very much but when your life feels so out of control its difficult to think I need to look after myself.....that doesn't read right but it kind of makes sense to me......I'm trying though x

Trying and succeeding.....

So if there's no-one there in RL to say it - well done Woodchip - you have two happy and healthy kids, you work, and you're moving forward :)