to ask for some advice? really long

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I am putting this here because I really dont know where to put it and I could do with the traffic.

When I was with DDs dad he was emotionally and physically abusive. He was a drug user but stopped a month before DD was born. The abuse still continued and I asked him to leave when she was 6months old.

SS were involved due to the events when he left. He was convicted also.

Since then we have had ups and downs and really the abuse has never fully stopped. He is now clean from drugs and works full time. He has a new partner and they live together. He takes DD two overnights per week and pays maintenace.

The maintenance was only a recent thing, as is him buying her clothes. Up until October he used the excuse that "the government gave me money" so he didnt have to.

Last month he phoned SS after threatening to for years. They called me, had a chat and then closed the case.

Now hes threatening to again. Because according to him I am neglecting DD.

I havent been having the best luck recently (I have posted various threads) but throughout it all DD is always clean, clothed and well fed. She is happy. Developing normally etc. Aside from a few tantrums she is fine.

He is under the impression that I am always in bed. I am 31 weeks pregnant and quite sore, so I have been taking it easier. But by no means am I always in bed.

He also says she is neglected because I dont tie her hair up all the time. I like it down and so does DD. It is quite flyaway sometimes so I can see why he might think its messy. But surely I am allowed to make my own choices.

If I paint her nails its commented on. If I straighten her hair thats wrong. All this comes back from DD so IMO its worse because they are criticising me to her.

It has reached the point that they are now undermining my authority with DD. She refuses to listen to me but will listen to them.

We are moving house and he has text today to say he will phone SS because I havent consulted him. I told him as soon as I knew and he raised no issue then.

Do I have anything in all of this which can legally be challenged? I dont think I do but DP says I should go to a solicitor. But what could they do? I dont feel cutting him out of her life is best for her, but I really cannot live like this anymore. I dont know how to stop him trying to control me and start respecting me as DDs mother.

Sorry its so long. Didnt want to drip feed. If you have got this far thank you for reading!

Sounds like he is using SS as another way to abuse and control you.

How far are you moving? He could, at a push, have a prohibited steps order issued
If it means uprooting education or would prevent contact

SS is not the people he should run to. Direct him to a solicitor and courts.... They will soon show him what's what!

Can you raise the issue of him critising you through DD with him? This is unacceptable and is emotionally damaging to a child.

We are moving 8 miles away. She will still be going to the same preschool. We havent decided on a primary yet but the choices havent changed.

To be honest its more the undermining and constant criticsm that I have had enough of and I just dont know how to stop it.

Talking to him works for a week. And his partner must be there. She is always preaching about everything. Things that I already know and do. Eg brushing DDs teeth

Stop engaging with them, they're enjoying making you squirm. If they threaten ss tell them to go ahead you'll be pleased to tell them about ex's past drug use and conviction and his current emotional manipulation of dd. If he goes to ss and complains about hair and a heavily pregnant woman staying in bed they'll see he's a troublemaker.

When does his partner get a chance to preach to you?

Yes, was going to ask, how do you communicate?

A contact book in her overnight bag may be better than email etc. You have a written record then at least

When we try to talk to them about it.

Also, if they buy anything for DD they tell her and me that it was her that bought it. IMO thats their business and as far as Im concerned anything he gives me is from him.

The other day she came to the door specifically to give me a raincoat for DD. I had mentioned to him that I couldnt find one in her size and so until I did could she use the one he keeps at his house. Then she appears at the door wiyh a completely new one as if I should be grateful to her.

She keeps telling DD that her teeth will fall out if she doesnt brush her teeth. But her teeth will fall out anyway so I dont agree with this. But Im ignored when I raise it. Yet when they have an issue I cant ignore it or Im neglectful.

We talk face to face. He texts and when I reply he tells me Im harrassing him and to stop texting so I just dont reply now

His girlfriend seems to be raising your hackles! Just nod and smile, nod and smile....

Its emotional abuse. Ignore any negative comments bought back to your daughter by changing the subject and distracting her. She challenges your authority a simple 'my house my rules' and time out if she disobeys. The only conversations you should have are re. contact. Anything else you ignore. Screen your calls to add distance and communicate in writing or text if possible so you can track/log abuse and co-ordinate contact.

Entering into any dialogue with an emotional abuser facilitates and encourages the abuse. Honestly, you will find the ignoring so therapeutic i can't tell you. Its called distancing, its an emotional coping strategy - and it works.

See I would probably say the same if I was posting advice on this thread. But I have been ignoring now for two years and its getting worse.

She does get my hackles up. He says Im jealous. But its actually that I dont like how she is affecting my relationship with DD. Every other sentence from DD is "X says this" and its usually when Im trying to discipline. It really feels like they think Im just the babysitter and they are the real parents.

It all sounds so nit picky though. I can hear myself, and it sounds so immature. Maybe Im just hormonal.

You can't really complain that they are making a big deal out of teeth cleaning. It needs to become routine as soon as possible. The more your DD is encouraged now the better.

Are they concerned that you will soon have another child to cope with? Perhaps ask for help from Home Start. You need someone friendly and non judgmental to get advice from who can also see the bigger picture.

But she is in the routine and she loves cleaning her teeth. Im her mother. I dont need someone telling me to brush my childs teeth. If I wasnt doing it then ok, say something, but they are criticising something that isnt an issue.

And why would I struggle with another one? We are struggling financially. Im more than capable of looking after my kids. Its like they are constantly sitting in judgement and if there are no problems they make them up.

Jesus nothinggoldcanstay how patronising?!

Keep doing what you're doing op and ignore, ignore, ignore!

He has text again to say that unless I do what he says he is going to phone SS and "make them listen" so I assume he means make crap up.

There must be something I can do other than ignore :(

if you keep the texts you'll have something to show the SS if they do turn up. Print your threads out too - they're dated and timed.

Keep ignoring, the dafter the texts get - the more bullets he's providing you to shoot him with.

This is not good. Keep that text. I think social services may have something to say about it. Ignore everything unless absolutely necessary. What a twat.

OP only two incidents of the way he talks to you is classed as harassment which is an offence. If you have a text from him threatening SS unless you do what he says I'd take it to the police with other texts too and get them to speak to him. I'd also get a strongly worded letter sent to him from solicitor saying if he continues to harass you, including undermining you, threatening SS on to you, manipulating you, you'll be seeking further action. He's a bully and I think you need to stand firm with you DP and tell him straight through the authorities you're not prepared to put up with it. I'd also make it clear in the solicitor letter that if he tries to turn your DD against her mother and step father you'll be going to the courts to have his access changed from two nights. Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.

On the girlfriend point though, given what he's playing at here I'd guess new gf is under the same control and he's probably feeding her a pack of lies that she may be buying over your truth. And given the history, as someone else suggested,I'd start getting some legal advice

What tabliope says!

Thanks all, I know that not all of it would legally stand up but wanted to check if anything would.

After he phoned them the last time he told me that she was better staying with me and that he didnt want to take her off me. If thats the case then I really cant see what phoning them would achieve for him.

I agree about his girlfriend being fed untruths. There has been a few times where I have brought up stuff he has said and she has looked completely baffled so I do think he tells her an edited version.

It has really got to me today. Its just more stress ontop of everything else and I cried infront of DD. I obviously didnt tell her why but I feel such a failure for letting her see me upset.

wannebe, you have to get out from under his control. He has control over your emotions. There is lots in my view that would stand up legally against him. This threat about going to the SS if you don't do what he says! He cannot threaten that and think he can get away with it. Either gather your evidence and go to the police for harassment or get a solicitors letter sent to him. I've been in your shoes and this is what I did and it stopped. You have to stand up to him otherwise he'll be dictating for the rest of your lives. I'd limit communication with him too. He and his gf really don't need to be interfering in your lives that much and I wouldn't give them the opportunity. He's playing with your mind. Don't let him. Keep him at arm's length and tell him if he has any concerns about your child then yes he should speak to SS but otherwise he needs to shut the fuck up because it's harassment and you'll be getting the police on to him if he continues. He can't keep doing it once the police have been round to him. If he's got any sense he'll stop then which will make your life easier. Good luck. Try to enjoy your new baby when it arrives.

Thanks.

DP hit the nail on the head tonight when he said I was scared to go to police/solicitor/SS because I believed that they would take his side and not listen to me.

I think he has worn me down over the last 4 years and got under my skin. But because Im not with him anymore I thought it wasnt affecting me.

DP pointed out that when our dog scratched DDs face (while playing not nastily) he made a huge deal. Kept saying we had to get rid of the dogs etc. Yet his mums dog has gone for her twice, once for her face and once bit her hand. But nothing was said. When I brought it up he said DD was mistaken.

But she wasnt right at all and when I sat her down and asked her to tell mummy what was wrong she burst into tears and said the dog bit her hand. She looked guilty. So I think he told her not to tell me.

Im starting to see that I do have a case. That I will be believed.

wannabe, he's ground you down and your DP is right - you're scared in case you're not believed but there is clear evidence pointing to him being an manipulative bully. Based on that one text message alone if he has said he'll go to SS unless you do what he wants then that's blackmail and the police will do something about it. You can't live in fear. Don't engage with him anymore. I wouldn't reply to any more texts unless they are specifically for arrangements regarding your child. Keep all the ones where he threatens anything and build a case against him otherwise you'll live in fear at what he might do. Better it all comes out now with police as next time he threatens SS tell him to go ahead as you'll have proof if they even came round that he's blackmailing you. They won't pay him a blind bit of notice after that if he tries it again and if he does you get the police again as it's harassment. He does it again no doubt he'll get cautioned. He does it again it goes to court. He does it again he'll be fined or sentenced. At some point he will open his eyes and realise he can't run the show. But that won't happen unless you do something about it.