to ask for some advice? really long

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I am putting this here because I really dont know where to put it and I could do with the traffic.

When I was with DDs dad he was emotionally and physically abusive. He was a drug user but stopped a month before DD was born. The abuse still continued and I asked him to leave when she was 6months old.

SS were involved due to the events when he left. He was convicted also.

Since then we have had ups and downs and really the abuse has never fully stopped. He is now clean from drugs and works full time. He has a new partner and they live together. He takes DD two overnights per week and pays maintenace.

The maintenance was only a recent thing, as is him buying her clothes. Up until October he used the excuse that "the government gave me money" so he didnt have to.

Last month he phoned SS after threatening to for years. They called me, had a chat and then closed the case.

Now hes threatening to again. Because according to him I am neglecting DD.

I havent been having the best luck recently (I have posted various threads) but throughout it all DD is always clean, clothed and well fed. She is happy. Developing normally etc. Aside from a few tantrums she is fine.

He is under the impression that I am always in bed. I am 31 weeks pregnant and quite sore, so I have been taking it easier. But by no means am I always in bed.

He also says she is neglected because I dont tie her hair up all the time. I like it down and so does DD. It is quite flyaway sometimes so I can see why he might think its messy. But surely I am allowed to make my own choices.

If I paint her nails its commented on. If I straighten her hair thats wrong. All this comes back from DD so IMO its worse because they are criticising me to her.

It has reached the point that they are now undermining my authority with DD. She refuses to listen to me but will listen to them.

We are moving house and he has text today to say he will phone SS because I havent consulted him. I told him as soon as I knew and he raised no issue then.

Do I have anything in all of this which can legally be challenged? I dont think I do but DP says I should go to a solicitor. But what could they do? I dont feel cutting him out of her life is best for her, but I really cannot live like this anymore. I dont know how to stop him trying to control me and start respecting me as DDs mother.

Sorry its so long. Didnt want to drip feed. If you have got this far thank you for reading!

He is talking crap. Why would SS be interested that you are moving?
Trouble is that he has you worn out to the point where you can't quite bring yourself to brush him off.

I would take a guess that you being pregnant has caused him to ramp up the crap a notch.

Believe in yourself sweetheart

wishing you strength to deal with the creep and get him out of your lives.

Sorry She keeps telling DD that her teeth will fall out if she doesnt brush her teeth. But her teeth will fall out anyway so I dont agree with this.
I read this you not caring that much with teeth cleaning rather than simply with the statement of teeth falling out.

I still think you need more support.

She is 3.6. She still has baby teeth. These will fall out. Big teeth will grow.

When she repeats what she has been told she looks scared. I dont want a 5 year old blaming herself when her teeth fall out.

His girlfriend instilled a fear in DD last year. A fear of Jack Frost. DD was convinced Jack Frost was coming to get her. She was having nightmares.

I really dont agree with this girl telling my DD things which are going to scare her or make her feel bad. It is possible to teach a child that teeth brushing is important without telling them they will fall out.

Hi there OP
We have moved this thread to relationships for you
Thanks

Don't worry about social service. Social workers are not interested in causing problems. They offer support for families who are struggling. If families do not engage with the support offered to them and the problems persist, then, only if children are at risk will they become heavy handed.

The threat of social services is very powerful, because we all judge our parenting to be inadequate. However the line in the sand is a long way from most peoples parenting. Also social workers are highly aware that they are called maliciously, and will be questioning the motives of the person who called them.

I do hope you manage to turn things round. It sounds like you have a supportive and understanding partner which is great. Look after yourself, and don't let other people make you feel your parenting is inadequate.

The threat of social services is very powerful, because we all judge our parenting to be inadequate. However the line in the sand is a long way from most peoples parenting Dead right. I wish I could put it so succinctly.

SS couldn't give a shiney shite whether her hair is tied up or not, or whether she has a bit of nailpolish on. If he moans about these things, he will look like the malicious twat that he is.

Thanks MNHQ and thanks for all the kind replies.

I guess Im just worried because I know that one of the things they always commented on before was "is the child always appropriately presented?" and if he says no they are going to want to investigate. And that just means more stress before having this baby.

I have nothing to hide but I know how they like to twist things. His mum agrees with whatever he says and shes a HCP so her opinion carries weight.

I know I shouldnt feel like this, but their involvement before was hell and I was never the issue, it was him. I dont know if Im strong enough to go through it again.

I just want to have this baby in peace. :(

I understand about the teeth thing because the same happened to me and I still often dream of them falling out! I could see that was what you meant by her getting a fear. I think perhaps SS would be more interested in the fact you DD was injured by a dog whilst in your ex's care and the fact she is being told negative stuff about you by him and his gf. They would also take on board the effect of this on you DD and your unborn child and yourself. Keep a diary now of everything and how it is affecting your family.

'is the child appropriately presented?' os one of many questions that go together, they are pretty meaningless on their own.

It's a sort of checklist
If your child is happy, fed and well attached to you a cross against the 'presnted' question will be meaningless.

And appropriate doesn't mean smart.

It means warm enough, not wearing adult clothing, not wearing badly stained,ripped dirty clothes.
It means not having matted hair etc.

Its like that with the home. People get all worried about their house being untidy but SS have seen far worse than a few toys lying about and biscuit crumbs on the floor.

Your ex will be doing himself no favours by making malicious reports against you.

Thanks Mrsdevere.

I know all this....but I doubt myself so much that it takes me to hear it from a stranger to believe it :)

He said they also asked him did I ever cry? I was crying one day when he picked her up (I had been bleeding that morning and had placenta previa so was quite worried and had got myself a bit worked up) so he thinks that means Im depressed and that they will not approve.

He has sent more texts today along the same lines as yesterday. Its just more and more to prove to them that he is being malicious. When i told him I would go to them myself on monday he changed tack and tried to be "reasonable" with me.

Its just a waiting game until monday now!

Thank you all for the advice!

Don't worry about crying, its not like you do it all the time. If SS even suspect you may be depressed they'd be advising you to get treatment, they won't whisk you child away. Plenty of mums with depression cope, and it doesn't make them any less of a parent.

Like MrsDeVere says, its all about context. Even if the answer to any of the things he's accused is "yes, once" they'd be being far too heavy handed to do much.

It's NORMAL to cry occasionally, but especially in those circumstances. I had severe depression in 1999 and I barely cried at all during that time because I didn't feel ANYTHING most of the time. He is cruel, manipulative and downright nasty. Definitely see a solicitor and speak to the police too. I've been in similar shoes to yours and it can take over your life. Your dp sounds lovely, as do you.

If his Mum is a HCP and it was her dogs that bit your dd, that would explain why he made her promise not to tell you I suppose? Either way, it would be interesting to see what SS would think of a couple who repeatedly frighten and blackmail a child (and her mother) in order to suit their own ends.

By the way, I always found it useful to remind myself that I was the strong one and he was the weak one. If he wasn't, why would he need to bully me?