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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm having an affair with my husband!

39 replies

lonelyandlost · 14/03/2006 22:53

I think I have finally lost the plot. I've just got out of my husbands bed and I feel awful. He left me for another woman last year. She's still around part time (obviously not tonight). We have been having casual sex for the last couple of months. I know its wrong and I feel dreadful. But I am so lonely. My life is limited by my son and my fears about entering a new relationship. Sex with him seems somehow easier. Most of the time I am fine on my own its just every so often I need that physical closeness.

Has anyone else been here? please be kind, I'm really low at the moment.

OP posts:

willow2 · 14/03/2006 23:02

Not been in your shoes but just wanted to say that I can completely understand where you are coming from. Yes, there are all sorts of issues surrounding this - not least your self-esteem levels which have possibly taken a bit of a battering. But he is still your husband so don't feel bad about sleeping with him if it is what you need right now.

Not sure if that's much help. Just didn't want you to think you were being ignored.

starlover · 14/03/2006 23:03

don't do it! you don't need to lower yourself like this.

remember how you felt when he left you for her? well now you're the one in her place... it isn't worth it!

fastasleep · 14/03/2006 23:04

That must be completely baffling... no wonder you're feeling so confused! I bet your brain hasn't caught up with you yet!

No help either, sorry... xxx

willow2 · 14/03/2006 23:05

Do you have any desire to get back together?

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 14/03/2006 23:06

Thank god someones there! I feel awful. I've been telling myself that I am meeting my own needs and that his relationship with his girlfriend is his problem, but I feel so low. Its reminded me of all that I have lost and I want it back so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 14/03/2006 23:06

OP posts:

SorenLorensen · 14/03/2006 23:08

I want to be kind - but...you know, he's having his cake and eating it too. And that's so unfair because he is the wrongdoer here. I can absolutely understand how easy it must be - I've been with my dh for 16 years, the thought of starting again with someone new is terrifying. But he is using both of you here - and getting off very lightly it seems.

I'm not criticising you - I have nothing but sympathy for you, but to carry this on will do your self-esteem no good. I don't know what the solution is but don't let him get away with playing with your emotions this way.

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 14/03/2006 23:09

I thought I was doing so well, now I feel pulled back into the nightmare that was my seperation and its all of my own doing.

I'm just so lonely, but so scared about getting close to another man. This isn't the first time I've been dumped on and I honestly don't think I could take any more rejection at the moment.

OP posts:

bumpybel · 14/03/2006 23:13

It doesnt sound as if he has a future with this other woman if he had been seeing you again for two months. Have you discussed getting back at all or is he treating it as just a fling? How long were you married?

starlover · 14/03/2006 23:13

ahhh sorenlorenson said what i wanted to say so much better!

SorenLorensen · 14/03/2006 23:17

You can never move on, or regain your self-respect, while he is able to just drop in and out of your life in this way. It's so hard - because he is your ds's father, and as such plays a part in both your lives - but you will never put all this emotional hurt behind you while he is still able to use you like this (and I know you're 'using' him too - but for you it's all tied up in the tangle of emotion and regret and fear of moving on).

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 14/03/2006 23:17

No he's building his future with his new woman, although he denies this when I ask him directly. He tells me she is just a good friend but I don't actually believe that.

To be honest I'm not sure I would want him back full time. We seperated for a reason, his affair was just a symptom of deeper problems.

I know you're right when you say he's getting us both. When he is with her I hear very little from him and he is not supportive of me at all, but when she isn't around we get on very well. We always were good friends.

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Sparklemagic · 14/03/2006 23:45

So sorry you're feeling so low. It's highly unlikely to lead anywhere - he has the best of both worlds now, so he's hardly going to suddenly want YOU only - and you've said you may not even want this - so I'm sure you know this is no good for you! It's so depressing I think to have as you say the 'physical closeness' but without the emotional commitment, it feels hollow and pointless and that must be a good reason for you feeling so low at present, do you think?

Perhaps think of him as a barrier - at present you are stunting any possible change in your life by sticking with him. I don't just mean other men, but moving on in lots of ways; doing things you've always wanted to do; or even just experiencing a 'buzz' that you are doing it on your own and feeling happy about it! You can't even go this far while still relying on him in this way in my view...

I totally understand your fears about entering a new relationship but I think the easiest thing for you would be to banish all thoughts of this - don't scare yourself with it, because you are not in that place yet anyway - you have to really finish THIS relationship first. Then you might feel a bit stronger and more ready to move on anyway.

In my life when I've felt really low it has usually been made one hell of a lot better by me taking a decision, and sticking to it; the self esteem I've got from making a decision to change things, then doing it, has been the way for me to feel more in control and worth a bit more.

Hope some of this rambling helps??...

wabbitintheheadlamps · 15/03/2006 00:26

Oh dear, I'm sure it's physically comforting to be back where you feel you rightfully belong - but, though I've not read the whole thread - I agree that you need to think more of yourself - he's got the best of both worlds and men with options left wide open tend to opt out of the stress of choosing.

I've very recently been on the other side of a situation not too dissimilar... an awful, awful mess that all parties are still coming to terms with. It's all very, very sad and though I hope there won't be the same kind of heartache involved in your situation I think it's only being kind to yourself to make the decision for him and tell him he's no longer welcome to take you and leave you at will, he's not left the woman he left you for, he's probably stringing her along too.

It's very tough and lonely and heaven knows I can hardly talk about making tough decisions - but he's not doing this out of love and respect for you.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I just hope you find a place where you can recover from your loss and heal in order to confidently enter a new phase of your life in which you can find a man to love and cherish you. {{{hugs}}}

Lord, I should take my own advice sometimes!

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 15/03/2006 09:46

I do know I've got to stop this (and it is me who initiates it not him)and I know how pathetic I probably sound, but my time with him gives me the physical comfort that I don't get anywhere else. My family aren't physically demonstrative he is the only person who touches me and gives ME some comfort (even though its only fleeting). The rest of the time I am super mum, working full time and caring for our son alone the majority of time. I know its got to stop and I know taking and sticking to that decision will make me feel so much better- but without this I feel very much alone.

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bundle · 15/03/2006 09:52

lonelyandlost you deserve so much better than him

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 15/03/2006 10:43

Oh I need to get a grip of myself!!! I really do. Got to get up and get on with life! I know I'm worth better. He is now cheating on his mistress what kind of man does that? not one I want definitely. Time to give myself a stern talking to.

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fairyjay · 15/03/2006 10:58

Yeh - but give yourself a hug too!

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 15/03/2006 11:07

Thankyou. I do tend to be very hard on myself! everything always seems better in the morning after a good nights sleep doesn't it? I've just got to remember how low I allow him to bring me and stop letting him do it. Afterall his girlfriend has got all that she should- a lying, cheating boyfriend! and I have the chnce for something so much better.

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wabbitintheheadlamps · 15/03/2006 12:24

Lonelymum - Thinking of you

ggglimpopo · 15/03/2006 12:47

LonelyandLost - I have a friend who did this, for the same reasons as you; it was only when he let slip that he had sh*ggd the girlfriend just hours before my friend that she realised how sordid it all was.

She cut off contact and met someone else and is now one of the happiest married women I know.

You would be better off having rampant sex with someone else, just for the lust of it all and to remind you that you are desirable and can actually "do it" with someone else. I did and my first thought was how bloody brilliant it was and how I regretted not having left my dickhead slimey bastard of a husband years before.

As everyone else has said, you are worth so much more than someone elses slimey castoff -or words to that effect, and even if she hasn't actally been cast off yet. He is used goods. Dump him.

And whilst you are there, telling him it is over, go to the loo and wash it out with his toothbrush. Twill make you feel better (did wonders for my evil morale) and will make you think twice about snogging him ever again....

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 15/03/2006 13:12

thankyou!!! just what I needed to hear, and you made me laugh! god mm is good!

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glitterfairy · 15/03/2006 21:16

Oh lonelyandlost dont be! I shared my husband with his new partner for two months before I kicked him out for good.

It took me a long long time to get over the pain of what he was doing and think no I dont need this I must be on my own.

I so understand why you are doing this and I so sympathise but dont beat yourself up you will find the strength to do what you have to eventually and this is just giving you some time to adjust and also to realise you dont really want it.

I still miss some of my relationship even though my total bastard of an x plays games wiht my mind and kids and is abusive as hell. Somehow those feelings dont go away over night but they dull I promise you.

Original poster

lonelyandlost · 16/03/2006 09:08

Thanks Glitterfairy

I'm feeling stronger today, although I don't know how long this will last. I'm trying to make positive plans to make my life better without him. I'm strong in alot of ways but its the loneliness that gets me and thats when I go back for more. I've got to find a new way of dealing with that emotion and thats my challenge! (any ideas gratefully received! )

OP posts:

bluejelly · 17/03/2006 15:40

Look at it from a different way L and L, by ending this arrangement you get to get your own back and dump him!

The best way to combat loneliness is to keep busy-- join a gym, write a book, organise endless dinner parties, whatever you can do to get yourself through the next few months. This time next year you will feel totally different about things, I promise.

Also write a very long list of all the reasons why your ex is bad news and stare at it frequently.

Eventually your brain ( and your body) will 'get it'.

Good luck

PS Very much needing to follow my own advice too. Keep falling into bed with ex. But we are both single which makes it harder to stop in some ways...

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