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Relationships

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to have a termination?

54 replies

veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:41

OK..please don't give me a hard time because I'm in bits as it is.

Found out yesterday that I am pregnant. I have 2 dds, age 8 and 2, who are not my DF's, who I moved in with last month. He has 2 dc too, one who visits sometimes at weekends and one who lives with us 40% of the time.

We did not want a baby now. We were using the rhythm method (which has worked for me for the last 10 years), but somehow I am pg, even though I am not aware of any 'accidents' during the last month. Maybe it was the stress of moving (I have uprooted from the area I have lived all my life to live with him 200 miles away), I don't know, but it happened.

My first thought when I found out yesterday was that I should have a termination. We are screwed financially as it is, so obviously a new baby wouldn't help. Also I don't know where we would put a new baby as we have 3 bedrooms, one where the 2 big girls share, one small box room where the 2 year old sleeps, and our room. We also have DF's 14 year old DS son stay sometimes at weekends and he's on the sofa bed downstairs since me and my kids moved in.

Another thing is that I the most awful toothache in my wisdom tooth last month, I was literally screaming in agony for the best part of a month, and I couldn't get anyone to help me here as I was not registered with a dentist. In the end I had to drive 200 miles back to my home town to have the tooth pulled out, but whilst I was in pain I was taking strong opiate based painkillers, pretty much all day every day - codeine, Tramadol and oral morphine. I also got steaming drunk on DF's birthday weekend 18/19 August. I also had to take antibiotics to clear the infection in my tooth while it was still in my head, Metronidozole and Amoxycillin. So not sure how taking my own bodyweight in pills etc over the last month would have affected the baby.

I love DF and maybe one day we could have another baby but we are so poor right now (he is about to start his first year as teacher, doing his NQT). And we have not even been together for a year yet so it feels like shaky ground to be doing this. I have always seen myself as pro-life and I am shocked at myself for even considering a termination, but in many ways it seems like a reasonable option. However, I know that if I did it I would feel seriously guilty and messed up about it, though that might be preferable to bringing a child into the world when we are not really equipped to deal with it.

Some opinions would be great. Please be nice.

OP posts:
Doingakatereddy · 30/08/2012 20:43

OP - please please get this thread moved to another place. AIBU is n

Every woman makes the

Doingakatereddy · 30/08/2012 20:44

Didn't finish, every woman has to make her own decision. What you feel is right will be best

MardyBra · 30/08/2012 20:44

It's obviously your decision, but have you wondered about putting the thread in Relationships. It can get a little heated in AIBU, and it sounds like you need gentle hand holding.

EleanorHandbasket · 30/08/2012 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 30/08/2012 20:46

This is far too serious a subject for aibu.

Maybe ask mnhq for your thread to be moved to Relationships or Pregnancy or General Health or anywhere where the atmosphere is less casual and judgemental chatty.

veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:46

Not sure how to get a thread moved? Can anyone tell me?

OP posts:
StateofConfusion · 30/08/2012 20:46

Only you and DF can make this decision. You will know if its the right one.

I had a termination 2yrs before I had my pfb, I felt guilty for some time BUT I know now I have my 5yo and 3yo it was the best thing for me. I would never have met dp and had our children, and for that reason I am at peace now.

If you do go ahead ensure you get councilling, it will help x

mamalovesmojitos · 30/08/2012 20:46

You need to talk to someone, a professional, then make the decision thats right for you and your family. YANBU to choose. Whatever the choice may be. I'm pro-choice so I believe in your right to make that choice. Just make sure you've thought it through and have support as some of your op sounds unsure.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2012 20:47

Talk to a doctor. Talk to one before you make any decisions about anything. Worrying about the medication and alcohol is something to do with a HCP not online.

As to the termination, every woman makes her own decisions. FWIW, I would go to the barricades for any woman who made any decision for herself. However, you need real medical advice.

Zara1984 · 30/08/2012 20:48

I think if you go to Report and then say in the blurb you want it moved? I will do that now actually...

Defo move this thread, it could get heated.

YANBU to want a termination in these circumstances, but if you don't want to get pregnant you really do need to use a more reliable form of contraception (IUD?).

onemorebite · 30/08/2012 20:48

I agree that the alcohol and antibiotics won't have affected the embryo.

I am sure it would be hard to have the baby but please don't underestimate how hard it is to have a termination - especially if you are pro-life generally. It isn't an easy choice and can affect you for a long time afterwards. I am still affected by mine 10 years later.

I really think you need to have real life counselling before you decide. Go see your GP as first step.

FreudianLisp · 30/08/2012 20:49

This is a decision that only you and your partner can make. So really, it doesn't matter what anyone else here says. Talk to your partner, take a bit of time to think. I hope you manage to work out what's right for you and your family.

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/08/2012 20:49

Veryconfused - I've reported this saying you may want it to be moved.

You need to make the decision but I'd do similar in your situation. And do think about more reliable contraception for the future.

Good luck

veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:49

Yesterday I was 80/20 towards having a termination. When I woke up this morning, after dreaming all night that I had the baby, I felt 80/20 that I should have it. Now I feel 50/50, which is not helpful at all.

OP posts:
veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:50

Ty MrsCampbellBlack

OP posts:
Minshu · 30/08/2012 20:50

You really need to start using contraception after this.

StuntGirl · 30/08/2012 20:50

You need this moving to another section, I have requested it to be moved.

You need to make an appointment with your doctor and get an appointment with a counsellor. Discuss your options with your husband. You need to make this decision together.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 30/08/2012 20:53

You can have a termination for any reason that you choose. You don't have to ask if you are doing the right thing, you just have to do what is best for you (and your family to a lesser degree).

Many women have abortions for many different reasons, and lots of them feel differently about them. Try not to focus on the guilt, and think things through practically. This is a decision that only you can make.

Please don't continue to use this method of contraception.

veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:53

Thanks all of you. I think I definitely need to speak to a counsellor you are right. I will go and see a GP in the morning.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDraco · 30/08/2012 20:55

Make an appointment to see your GP and ask for a referral to BPAS or similar. When you make your appointment, tell the receptionist what it is for, as some GPs do not refer for abortions, and you don't need to go back again.

Even if you have the referral, and go to appointments, you can still be deciding what you want to do. But it means the option is there.

EleanorHandbasket · 30/08/2012 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:55

And re contraception, don't worry, I have well and truly learnt my lesson. I think if I have the termination I need to just shut down to what is happening and go through with it because otherwise it will send me crazy.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 30/08/2012 20:55

YANBU it is totally YOUR choice - maybe contact the BPSA and speak to somebody about your options x

OlympiaMumsnet · 30/08/2012 20:56

Hi there
We shall shortly be moving this thread to our relationships topic
Thanks
MNHQ

notsofrownieface · 30/08/2012 20:57

You need to go to the dr's and they will refer you for counselling, you obviously need a impartial ear to talk to. Yes get this thread moved, AIBU is not the place for it.

But it is your choice, you need to do what is best for you and your family.