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Original poster

to have a termination?

54 replies

veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 20:41

OK..please don't give me a hard time because I'm in bits as it is.

Found out yesterday that I am pregnant. I have 2 dds, age 8 and 2, who are not my DF's, who I moved in with last month. He has 2 dc too, one who visits sometimes at weekends and one who lives with us 40% of the time.

We did not want a baby now. We were using the rhythm method (which has worked for me for the last 10 years), but somehow I am pg, even though I am not aware of any 'accidents' during the last month. Maybe it was the stress of moving (I have uprooted from the area I have lived all my life to live with him 200 miles away), I don't know, but it happened.

My first thought when I found out yesterday was that I should have a termination. We are screwed financially as it is, so obviously a new baby wouldn't help. Also I don't know where we would put a new baby as we have 3 bedrooms, one where the 2 big girls share, one small box room where the 2 year old sleeps, and our room. We also have DF's 14 year old DS son stay sometimes at weekends and he's on the sofa bed downstairs since me and my kids moved in.

Another thing is that I the most awful toothache in my wisdom tooth last month, I was literally screaming in agony for the best part of a month, and I couldn't get anyone to help me here as I was not registered with a dentist. In the end I had to drive 200 miles back to my home town to have the tooth pulled out, but whilst I was in pain I was taking strong opiate based painkillers, pretty much all day every day - codeine, Tramadol and oral morphine. I also got steaming drunk on DF's birthday weekend 18/19 August. I also had to take antibiotics to clear the infection in my tooth while it was still in my head, Metronidozole and Amoxycillin. So not sure how taking my own bodyweight in pills etc over the last month would have affected the baby.

I love DF and maybe one day we could have another baby but we are so poor right now (he is about to start his first year as teacher, doing his NQT). And we have not even been together for a year yet so it feels like shaky ground to be doing this. I have always seen myself as pro-life and I am shocked at myself for even considering a termination, but in many ways it seems like a reasonable option. However, I know that if I did it I would feel seriously guilty and messed up about it, though that might be preferable to bringing a child into the world when we are not really equipped to deal with it.

Some opinions would be great. Please be nice.

OP posts:
GhostShip · 30/08/2012 20:57

Hope you're okay.

It is your choice, do what is best for you OP XXX

WelshMaenad · 30/08/2012 20:57

Your body, your life, your choice. YANBU to choose what's right for you.

Have you told your DF that you are pregnant?

omfgkillmenow · 30/08/2012 21:00

if your worried about alcohol don't because both my kids were conceived around Christmas and I got very drunk at new year before I knew I was pregnant and no harm done. I fell pregnant 3 months in to my second relationship and it didn't last and i was left literally holding the baby with no help whatsoever. Either way you will question your decision so just go with your gut instinct what you feel is right.

Wigglewoo · 30/08/2012 21:01

I think (and this is just my thoughts) that if you and you df are considering having a baby in the future then you should keep the baby as if god forbid you found it hard to conceive in the future (or even if you went on to have another baby) you would always be looking back to this and thinking "what if..."

If you knew you had no thoughts or plans of children that makes it a bit easier.

The lack of space really isn't an issue. Loads of people use their living rooms as bedrooms and it works fine. Not ideal no but fine and when you are in a position to be able to move then you can.

But - and I hate saying this as it smacks of told you so and its not helpful but I suppose for anyone else using it its a warning I guess - don't use the rhythm method again. It sounds like you've been using it for longer with another partner before this one and this one got you pregnant more easily. Maybe he has a higher sperm count. You just can't rely on it.

I wish you well.
Antibiotics etc aren't anything to worry about. Due to a medical condition I took them at a high dose throughout my entire recent pregnancy and ds was fine.

kilmuir · 30/08/2012 21:02

you are 'somehow pregnant' as you did not use a more reliable form of contraception

Original poster
veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 21:03

Yes I have told DF. He thinks the same as me really, that for practical reasons it's a really bad idea right now, but he is happy to support me whatever. Which makes it worse because I feel like all the the responsibility is on me, and obviously it's me who has to live with it if I go through with the termination so I feel quite alone in this decision.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 21:06

My parents used the rhythm method.
I am one of eight children.

Just for anyone else who may believe that they are using effective contraception.

I am glad this was moved. Good luck op.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2012 21:07

I know what people are saying about alcohol, but be really careful with the advice you give people regarding this. Lots of people conceive and drink like fish at certain points. Studies are being done and we are getting closer to knowing what kind of drinking affects the fetus at what point but saying that "I drank and DC is fine" is NOT the same as OP talking to a HCP and working out if there is actually a chance. I agree that most people having a few around the time will not affect but we don't know the OP and she could be in denial, have a history, whatever.

OP, sorry to rant on your thread but I work with people affected by FASD and feel strongly about this.

dontcallmehon · 30/08/2012 21:11

I think OP knows this was not a reliable method of contraception, no need to keep mentioning it now. It is a difficult choice, OP. Just make sure you are as certain as can be. Practical issues have a way of sorting themselves out, but you have to make the right choice for you.

dequoisagitil · 30/08/2012 21:15

I would talk to your GP about all the medication etc you took for some idea of the risks if that is a major deciding factor for you.

But if it's not the right time for a baby for you as a couple, then it's not the right time. It's easy to think you're pro-life or whatever until the reality hits. You don't need to feel guilty or let it mess you up, if you choose a termination. Make sure you get all the support you need for whatever decision you make.

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 30/08/2012 21:18

confused

Having had both a termination and opting not to have one despite partner trying to beat the baby out of me, I think you can only do what is right for you. The only useful advice I can give is to think it through carefully.

I can tell you my story and what I would do, but ultimately, it is you that will have to live with the consequences of your choice, and therefore it is ultimately you who has to make the decision thats right for you.

Its not an easy one

x

olgaga · 30/08/2012 21:28

Definitely not an easy one. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best you'll ever make. As long as you do what's right for you at the time, you will always be able to justify it to yourself.

And please note for future reference - the rhythm method is not actually a form of contraception - it's a gesture of faith!

Offred · 30/08/2012 21:48

You need to decide what is right for you, counselling will help. Just getting your head down and getting on with either thing is going to store up problems for later. Sounds like your heart (dreams) are saying keep the baby and your mind is saying don't. No-one can offer you the answer but people can help support you to find make a choice.

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 21:52

Dontcallmehon

Unsurpringly.On a swift moving thread people can post similarly and cross each other.

And like I said, my comments were for anyone else reading this and believing, as the op did very recently,that this method works.

dontcallmehon · 30/08/2012 22:13

I wasn't referring to your post, Pagwatch.

Original poster
veryconfused81 · 30/08/2012 22:16

Thanks for all your kind words. Just curling up in a ball and crying for now.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 30/08/2012 22:29

Aw Sad you poor thing. Sometimes you need to cry. This is hard enough though, so don't feel guilty yourself. Book that appointment in the morning and breathe. There is support out there and on here for you. .

bubalou · 30/08/2012 22:32

It is up to you. It's an awful situation to be in.

You need to have a proper talk with your DF & decide what is best for you & your family.

I also suggest you then use another form of contraception. Hmm

porcamiseria · 30/08/2012 23:02

what others have said

only you can decide

and whatever you choose, its OK

xxxx

Viviennemary · 30/08/2012 23:13

That you must think very carefully about this goes without saying. The thing that rang alarm bells for me was you saying that you would feel massively guilty and messed up if you had a termination. Certainly get some counselling preferably together with your partner. And that will give you a chance to see how you both feel about whatever choice you make. Hope you work things out.

greyvix · 30/08/2012 23:49

You are obviously very upset and shocked. Hopefully, when things calm down, you will be able to make the decision that's right for you. Whatever you decide will be right for you and your family.
I took strong medication when pregnant with DD2 (thought it was tonsillitis!) and she was fine.
Good luck with the decision. To repeat: Whatever you choose, it's OK.

Worley · 31/08/2012 11:07

if you visit a gp or family planning clinic, discuss everything with them. they can refer you to a TOP clinic and they will also counsel and discus your options. at this point you will be given an early ultrasound scan to date pregnancy. any major obvious abnormality may be picked up at this point. not all antibiotic are safe for pregnancy and these can be discussed with you.
No form of contraception is 100%safe. so don't beat your self up about that part. the majority if people will at some point have a scare. ds2 was conceived whilst I was on Pill and I specialise in this area! lol

CinnamonPreztel · 31/08/2012 13:04

One thing I hugely advise is imagine you have just had the termination... How do you feel?

I was 99% certain I would have a termination when I fell pregnant. But as time went on I began to think how I would feel afterwards and realised it wasn't the right choice for me. I would have driven myself mad with the "what ifs".

Just try to visualise you have just had a termination. Really helped me reach my desicion.

MissPants · 31/08/2012 13:41

Hi OP, I can't help with making sense of your thoughts about it not being the right time etc. Its such an utterly personal thing I would say go with your gut and remember money isn't everything.
I can however help with the medication worries, I found out I was pregnant September last year in the midst of the most horrific tooth/jaw infection. I had to have 2 teeth extracted, had amoxycillin and metronidazole and combinations of ibuprofen and cocodamol. In the end I was prescribed tramadol which was amaaaayzing for the pain relief but unfortunately made me vomit blood to the point I had to be ambulanced to hospital and given morphine intravenously.

Anyway, after panicking and refusing to believe baby was ok until I'd had many scans, he is currently snoring on my chest just now. Blissfully unaware of his dramatic start as a wee bean Smile

So just focus on the right thing for you, its unlikely your bout of illness has had an effect.

Original poster
veryconfused81 · 31/08/2012 22:53

Thanks everyone. Just to give you an update, I saw a doctor who said that all the meds I had taken wouldn't be a problem. But I have asked for a referral for a termination - if it happens it won't be for another week so I still have that thinking time but means I am booked in sooner rather than later.

But I think my heart is saying keep it. Still confused! Change my mind at least 50 times a day!

OP posts:
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