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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it dishonesty not to volunteer information about sexual history to a serious partner?

46 replies

Offred · 30/08/2012 14:57

I remember the thread not too long ago where a huge number of posters had slept with both men and women.

There is a post today about an admission of bisexuality. I've always thought actually my preferences and sexual past are mine and if DH asked I would be honest but I don't feel he has a right to know as such. Don't really feel he has a right to control how I feel about anyone now either even though we are married (or me him). He has a right not to like my friends but not to tell me not to like them. We each have a right to our own friendships and feelings and past. If we have crushes/things start crossing the line it is a. Our business and b. our responsibility.

This is influenced by having been in a very controlling relationship before but given that some people would not want a relationship with someone bisexual or if they had perhaps had a huge long list of exes or maybe even were a virgin I wonder if that is actually disingenuous and actually if really people consider that partners should have a right to know what kind of sexual experience their sexual partner has had. Also how far that might extend? Is there a "right answer" or is it just different for all?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 15:01

I don't think it's dishonest in the slightest because even people in long-term relationships are entitled to their privacy. I don't expect to know every last little thing about a partner although I'd hope they could be open with me if it was relevant to our relationship. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone probing every aspect of my life either. There is no 'right to know'.

RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 15:04

I think it's bad sexual manners not to tell someone BEFORE sleeping with them. I had a one night stand in the 80s (just pre AIDS) and found out later that he was bi. The bi didn't bother me at all. The not telling me really really did.

FarloRigel · 30/08/2012 15:06

Dear goodness no, if he doesn't ask he probably doesn't want to know I would guess and really what does it matter what you have done with whom? As long as you have been safe and are not putting your new partner at risk and don't have a long track history of treating your partners appallingly you can't trust yourself not to repeat. Presuming neither of those apply I would say nothing.

HecateHarshPants · 30/08/2012 15:09

I think people have the right to relevant information. Information they need to have for their own sexual health. Beyond that, no, I don't think they do have a right to information about a partner's past.

Lovemy3kids · 30/08/2012 15:09

I found out recently that someone I was briefly involved with was bi and it wasn't the fact that he was bi, it was the fact that he never told me. My STBXH knew all about my past (and me his), and he couldn't deal with knowing about it all and he constantly threw things in my face about it.

Original poster

Offred · 30/08/2012 15:10

See I've thought that if I was concerned I would ask (and have asked when I was). I'm hoping if DH is concerned he would have asked or that if he felt strongly about something he would have made it clear and that then if I had kept it secret that really would be disingenuous. But then the idea of repressed and unconfident DH suddenly saying "so how many people, men and women, have you slept with, protected and unprotected?" seems a little ridiculous...

OP posts:

scarletforya · 30/08/2012 15:17

I don't ask specifics and I certainly don't tell any either. However I did insist on clean STI screens for us both at the start of the relationship. Sexual health is important to me. I couldn't give a shite about the number of partners though and I wouldn't want to be with a man to whom that was an issue either.

There are some material facts though that I consider to be important to disclose though at the start of a relationship. Sexual orientation for example. I think it's wrong to hide your sexual orientation from someone if you know they wouldn't be with you if they knew the truth.

ockytockyonga · 30/08/2012 15:21

hhhhm it's a tricky one. How many people you have slept with is in the past so not relevant to your future. But something fundamental like i fancy women too will affect your future (even just in your fantasies which couples do like to share) so therefore i would disclose that. I have been with a fetishist for a while and when i didn't know about it i always felt something was wrong/missing. Then i discovered his fantasies involved other things/people it made sense.

However, i do feel he should have been honest from the beginning because discovering after a year of living together felt like a betrayal. I have embraced it all now but it almost couldn't be overcome more because i felt like a mug who'd been lied to.

OneMoreChap · 30/08/2012 15:24

It's a real issue.

I've always been happy sleeping with women with a fair range of partners (it usually meant they are a tad more confident of their own sexuality), and i wouldn't make any difference whether it was 2 or 20.

I'm not precious about it, but I have been asked by one or two partners when I got older, who were surprised by the number (greater than 5 less than 20). One said she was a bit intimidated, though she laughed when I said all it meant was that I was probably a crap shag.

If people do ask, and you do tell, there's always the "Who was best..." question lurking in the wings.

If it's someone you're intending as a long term partner, I'd veer more to disclosure of numbers rather than details.

TalHotBrunette · 30/08/2012 15:31

I don't think DH has ever asked me and I've never asked him. I don't want to know about his sexual history, it's entirely his business up until the point it puts me at risk (if he had an sti for example).

Original poster

Offred · 30/08/2012 15:32

OMC "who was best" actually would just never occur to me! I'd only ever ask because of my own sexual health or to try and get to the bottom of a sexual problem!

OP posts:

TalHotBrunette · 30/08/2012 15:36

Although if I had slept with his brother/father/mother I expect he would want to know. Hmm. It's a tricky one.

OneMoreChap · 30/08/2012 15:40

Offred Thu 30-Aug-12 15:32:05
OMC "who was best" actually would just never occur to me!

It wouldn't have to me; I was asked.
I just said everyone was different, but it certainly wasn't me.
[Of course, I was quite young then, so I worked very hard to make sure that I was...]

BerylStreep · 30/08/2012 15:49

I have never discussed with my DH (or anyone else) how many people I have slept with. It's none of their business. Nor do I want to know about my DH's sexual history.

I agree that I would want to know if my DH was bi-sexual. We have never had that conversation, so I have assumed he isn't.

Technoviking · 30/08/2012 15:56

I find that part of learning about each other tends to include these discussions.
DW has much more experience than me, which I found made her a more rounded person perhaps. Part of her greater life experiences. Whereas my meagre number made me a saddo.

Dryjuice25 · 30/08/2012 16:17

Told my xp the number- (quite a few). Didnt realize this was a competition. (He was still a virgin when i met him). Years later he messaged me to say he surpassed me.......but he is married and got wit her weeks/during our relationships ended. WTAF

Original poster

Offred · 30/08/2012 16:21

So to those who say they'd want to know about bisexuality even if they don't care about numbers/other elements, what is it about sexuality that would change things? Is it knowing who your partner is?

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 30/08/2012 17:08

Yes, I think that sexual preferences are a fundamental part of someone's make up / personality / whatever, so I would want to know.

In the same way that I would want to know someone's views on religion, spirituality etc (if I was planning to be with that person for any significant amount of time).

BerylStreep · 30/08/2012 17:09

But I'm not that interested in how many times they have been to church! IYSWIM

Original poster

Offred · 30/08/2012 17:21

So, would you expect that you would be told or that you might have to ask if you hadnt discussed sexual partners?

OP posts:

ockytockyonga · 30/08/2012 17:25

i haven't asked about partners but i have asked/would expect to be told about tastes. It can come up in a sexy way ie fantasising together with a 'btw i'm also fancy girls/have a foot fetish/into bdsm etc'.

Original poster

Offred · 30/08/2012 17:34

And would you be upset/angry if you hadn't asked and your partner hadnt volunteered the information?

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 30/08/2012 19:37

the 'how many' question tends to come up in most relationships, IME. Also the 'have you ever had threesome/whatever else' question. I'd be disappointed if a partner lied to me, during an honest and open conversation.

Original poster

Offred · 30/08/2012 19:42

See I don't see sexual orientation as part of either sexual preferences or fantasies, I would look at it as an integral part of someone yes but I don't see it as a feature to tell people about as i'm not sure it is so relevant to a partner so I feel a bit uncomfortable with the bisexuality "can be mentioned as part of a fantasy" if you are in a long term relationship with someone the only time I would feel it ever would be relevant at all is if someone was not attracted to their partner because of their sexual orientation or if your partner would want to know who they may need to be concerned about you being attracted to and I can't see much justification for that kind of thing as the not being attracted to is the important thing rather than the orientation and in the other case I wouldn't want my partner dictating who I could/couldn't be around.

I'm banging on about what I think. It is an issue I'm eager to understand from outside my perspective because until last week I didnt think my DH was a feeling jealous type. I've been out drinking with a mutual friend before but went over to his house to sort something out for a weekend away we were all going on and ended up having a beer. I stayed too long, DH was texting asking me to come home at 4am (this fella lives with his sister and her husband it isn't like we were alone). I don't go out often (maybe 4 times a year) and I get carried away not wanting the night to end and 4am is the time I'm normally back, I don't normally get texts from him and he genuinely doesn't normally mind.

When I got home he said he didn't want me to talk to our friend and not him about stuff (I wasn't I was just having a beer and a chat) but he has not been worried about this other times when I have been with my female friend, I've even stayed over at her house before (planned). In all my friendships I flirt including female friends and dh says this is fine and there is no serious attraction in any of them but I can't help thinking he was jealous the other night and I can see why but that really I wonder whether it is misleading him about my female friends given I'm just as likely to be talking to them about things and/or attracted.

However I like my privacy. I don't feel it is anyone else's business who I've slept with or who I might be attracted to. It is a quandary. I might add I am not sleeping with any of my friends and I don't want to have sex with any of them either.

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 30/08/2012 19:47

Sorry I'm not sure I understand. You are bisexual but your husband doesn't know? And you feel that he might be jealous of your friendships with men without realising that you might fancy women too?

I'm sorry but I do think it's mighty strange to be bisexual and not tell your husband. It's a massive part of who you are.

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