Is it dishonesty not to volunteer information about sexual history to a serious partner?

[Offred]

I remember the thread not too long ago where a huge number of posters had slept with both men and women.

There is a post today about an admission of bisexuality. I've always thought actually my preferences and sexual past are mine and if DH asked I would be honest but I don't feel he has a right to know as such. Don't really feel he has a right to control how I feel about anyone now either even though we are married (or me him). He has a right not to like my friends but not to tell me not to like them. We each have a right to our own friendships and feelings and past. If we have crushes/things start crossing the line it is a. Our business and b. our responsibility.

This is influenced by having been in a very controlling relationship before but given that some people would not want a relationship with someone bisexual or if they had perhaps had a huge long list of exes or maybe even were a virgin I wonder if that is actually disingenuous and actually if really people consider that partners should have a right to know what kind of sexual experience their sexual partner has had. Also how far that might extend? Is there a "right answer" or is it just different for all?

I don't know, I suppose bisexual would be the box I'd be put in. I think that "married" is the relevant part. I kind of see who I've slept with or the gender of the people I might be attracted to as a married person as fairly irrelevant. It isn't a secret, neither of us really speak to each other about our private lives although I would if it was important so that's what I'm trying to decide I suppose by gathering outside opinions.

I don't think you need to be sorry about thinking it is strange! I'm quite interested in why!

Ok, maybe I'm just a bit batty...

Well I guess everyone's personal boundaries are different. Yours seem quite rigid and private but that's not wrong if it works for both of you!

I suppose that is actually what we need to talk about. I know those boundaries work for me. I need to find out for sure if they work for him.

The sexual health thing is more relevant when it comes to a bisexual man (just because statistically speaking, gay men are more likely to have HIV in the way that an African man or woman is and brutal as it is, we all make our judgements of risk and I guess that could potentially be one). But emotionally, yeah, I'd want to know if my partner was bisexual. I just think I would have questions - what does it mean for how you feel about me? Are you going to be satisfied with me?

I am very open about my own past, including about the fact I was the OW once. I want my OH to know, and make his choices about me knowing the facts. I guess the OW bit isn't really 'sexual history' as much as a big emotional blip on my part but he has the right to make his choices based on it.

See although I can understand those questions they are not questions I'd feel comfortable being asked tbh. Since sexual orientation has nothing to do with monogamy. I don't think the fact I've had sexual partners of both genders and am potentially sexually attracted to both men and women actually has any effect on my commitment to a current partner or my attraction to them. It doesn't increase the number of attractions I might have, it wouldn't affect the possibility of cheating and I suppose those questions are why I feel it is private because I don't see why being attracted to someone irrespective of gender rather than only attracted to them if they are the gender you find attractive should mean you are regarded with extra suspicion. I'm fiercely committed to my husband and I wouldn't like that to be questioned just because of preconceptions people have about bisexuality.

I'm not closed tbh. I'd answer anything I was asked, I volunteer off things come up. I am just wondering specifically if it is wrong not to actually volunteer the info out of context and without request...

I know how many people my DH has slept with because he told me at the beginning of our relationship. I think he told me so that I would reciprocate but I did not (mainly because its a bigger number ). It was a bit awkward for a while but it was forgotten and never mentioned again.

but a bit

I would think it would be odd never to have mentioned any same sex attraction if you talk a lot, I would see that as hiding it. I have frankly discussed my sexuality with my husband and he with me and I haven't hid any of it ever, nor has he. I don't go on and on about numbers/great experiences, that would be tactless, but these things come up all the time around us, on TV and in conversations, and to deliberately miss out the bit where you say 'actually, I still fancy some of my friends' or 'I had two relationships with women when I was younger' (I didn't, but you get the point) would seem quite deceptive to me. I am for full frankness, being surprised your husband had an affair with a man (like the other thread) would seem like a betrayal to me, beyond just the unfaithfulness.

We don't talk at all though, not about this kind of stuff. I think we have always both seen our lives pre meeting and marriage as irrelevant to our relationship with each other, I certainly do anyway and I suspect he doesn't want to know and might feel uncomfortable being told. If we had talked about that kind of thing i would have mentioned it. If it had come up in another way then I would have talked about it! We wouldn't talk about it either I don't think. If we were to talk about it it would certainly be a "I'm going to sit you down and tell you something you should know" type of conversation. Is that really weird to have that degree of privacy and separation? We don't have any relationship problems to speak of, are very happy and love each other.

Sorry if it is mind numbingly boring DH might get a text on the train from London saying "mumsnet thinks I need to tell you I'm bisexual.."

I think that when you are having a ONS or just starting to date, your personal history is your business and a partner's history is private, as well. (With the obvious exception of anything which might be a risk to health such as herpes or being HIV+). Time to talk about more complicated stuff if you decide you are going to have a serious ongoing relationship with each other.

I'm stumbling over the "why?" though, what's the difference between ONS and marriage in this context?

If your marriage works for you, why question it? But, in the other thread, the person was very surprised to find herself facing her husband having a fling with another man. I think this is a big detail to omit when you offer to share your life with someone. I am also surprised if it never comes up, so for example if you see a hot actor on TV and they were the same sex, or you were chatting about a famous person claiming to be bisexual (Jesse J) or mentioned a passing relationship if you visited somewhere that reminded it of you. I think you would have to hide or not share a lot of thoughts like that over say 10-20 years or longer. For hecks sake, I even know the sexuality of all my good friends, if a man made a pass at them on a train once (if male), if they had lesbian fantasies, had relationships with same sex, even who did what to whom on stag dos, on weekends away, infidelity, the whole lot. I can't believe you have never ever mentioned anything about either of your sexualities to your life partner.

I don't think you should tell, by the way, because now it will be all big and scary. But I don't have any significant corners of my life whatsoever which my husband doesn't know about, none, and I just prefer that level of honesty. I don't like surprises.

What's the difference between ONS and a marriage in this context? Well marriage is supposed to be a partnership with someone who knows you intimately. When you get to know a partner you tell them stuff about you! Being bisexual is quite unusual, it's just the sort of thing you tell a spouse! Like, if you grew up in China, or spoke 12 languages, or we're a Buddhist or something.

I suppose I need to clarify whether it works for DH. See I'm not given to fantasies, we don't really watch tv or discuss celebrities/other people, when we have discussed other people's sexuality it has been about them and not me IYSWIM and I don't speak about my sexuality or sex life with my friends. I also don't think, as is proven by the thread on sexual partners, that bisexuality is that unusual. I don't think my husband would be particularly surprised about it. We just don't speak about it. I don't know whether this is because I feel it is important to retain control over it after being abused and I don't really think the fact I am attracted to someone irrespective of gender is very noteworthy or important. Gender is just not a characteristic you could use to predict my attraction, it is more likely you could use humour.

I have been with my DP for 4 years and he's never asked me about my sexual past / number of partners, and I've never asked him. I'm not interested and it doesn't really matter and I assume he feels the same way.

My friend thought I was mad when we had a similar conversation a few years ago. She couldn't understand that I didn't care how many people he had slept with! Mind you, she went through her husbands phone with him and made him delete the numbers of any female friends he had that she didn't know, so I guess it must have been her own insecurity issues.

It's not dishonest, unless STD related.

I wouldn't like my parter demanding to know, but if there's trust, I'd be happy to tell him (or her :o) things that were relevant.

I suppose you need the other person not to be judgemental.

Uh well I decided to mention it whilst really drunk. He sounded a bit uncomfortable, said it wasn't really news so I guess he's happy with the privacy arrangement just like me! which is good.