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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bisexual Husband

37 replies

bren33 · 30/08/2012 14:38

Have been married for 6 years and only just discovered my husband has been having an affair with another man. I feel betrayed, angry and very hurt.

He tells me he is bisexual but i have heard some women say they have a bisexual husband but they really mean they are gay but can't admit it.

Don't know what to do really although i know i don't want a relationship with a man that likes men.

Any advice from people in a similar situation or have been?

Thanks

Brenda

OP posts:

Offred · 30/08/2012 14:39

Being bisexual is a different thing to being unfaithful. As is being gay. You need him to be really honest with you about what is going on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 14:39

Does it really matter if it's a man or a woman? He's unfaithful, doesn't seem to think it's a problem and you should show him the door.

Offred · 30/08/2012 14:41

If you don't want a relationship with a man that likes men you would need to leave btw. Just as if you don't want a relationship with a man who cheats you would have to leave. I don't think it is clouded in any way by him possibly being sexually confused:

Northernlurkerisonholiday · 30/08/2012 14:43

Doesn't matter what other people have done. Your husband has been unfaithful to you AND deceived you as to his sexual preferences. You either put up with that or you consider whether your marriage has a future.

THERhubarb · 30/08/2012 14:49

I suspect your dh will try to convince you that he was pressurised to live a lie and hope you will remain with him in order to carry on this pretence. You don't say if you have children btw.

What do YOU get if you stay with him?
Whether he is gay or not is clearly not the issue here as others have said. He made a commitment to you and has betrayed that commitment. He should never have lied to you. He has deceived you and cheated you out of a loving marriage. He must have known when he married you that he was bisexual or gay and he should have come clean about it. Instead he has used and abused you for his own selfish reasons.

Personally I would show him the door because it sounds as though he wants you to accept his sexuality which also means accepting his affairs. You are a person in your own right, not his pet dog and you mustn't let this man dictate your future or take away any of your rights to a happy marriage and loving future with someone who cares deeply about you.

He's had his say, now it's time to have yours.

Mumsyblouse · 30/08/2012 14:52

I think it is an issue that he has been unfaithful with a man, because presumably he wasn't honest about his bisexuality before marriage, and this has led you to question whether/how this attraction to men was present before, and what it means in terms of his sexuality and his attraction to you/other women.

Then there's the infidelity on the top of this, which would be more than many people could stomach.

I think there is a support group for wives and girlfriends of bisexual and gay men, I don't know it's name but if you search in Google, it should come up.

I agree with those who say that the affair and his unfaithfulness is a key issue, but I also think his sexuality is a big issue, especially if you suspect he is still not being honest. Not all bisexuals are cheaters, but if he's unhappy in the sexuality he has within the marriage, this is a big problem for you.

Original poster

bren33 · 30/08/2012 14:55

No i cannot accept a man who is bisexual, in my oppinion your either one or the other not both. And we have two children late teens. They are angry and feel betrayed too. I think the only way forward is getting a divorce as i don't want him anywhere near me or the children.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 14:57

I think the bisexuality is a complete red-herring designed to wrong foot you. It doesn't matter if he likes men, women or beasts, he should be able to keep it in his pants. This is nothing to do with honesty about sexuality and everything to do with fidelity.

TheCunningStunt · 30/08/2012 14:57

The bottom line is he cheated. Sexuality is not the issue, nor should it be. He has betrayed your confidence and trust.

Original poster

bren33 · 30/08/2012 15:01

How can it not be to do with sexuality? Its a relationship based on lies. In all honesty how many women would knowingly have a relationship with someone that likes men? If he had cheated with another woman yes it would hurt but a man, it just feels worse and a complete betrayal. I actually feel physically sick thinking about him being with a man.

OP posts:

Offred · 30/08/2012 15:01

I think you must be very hurt right now but it is not true to say "your either one or the other". People are bisexual, this is not something they can help or change. However being bisexual does not mean being a cheater and a liar and that is the real issue.

MMMarmite · 30/08/2012 15:02

Sexuality is a scale, from totally straight to totally gay, with many people lying somewhere in between. It's possible he's gay but can't admit it, or hasn't figured it out for sure yet, or perhaps his sexuality has changed over time; it's also perfectly possible that he's attracted to both men and women. Many bisexual people are in faithful monogamous long-term relationships.

Whatever the answer, he's cheated on you: he had absolutely no right to betray your trust, and you have every right to be angry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 15:02

Obviously it feels bad that he not only cheated but has come out as liking a bit of cock. It's an affront to your femininity. But if he'd admitted to having girlfriends I don't think you'd be feeling all that much better.

Original poster

bren33 · 30/08/2012 15:03

Well have to agree to disagree offred.

OP posts:

Offred · 30/08/2012 15:03

I'm not convinced it is strictly lying actually to not tell a female partner that you also like men. What is lying is the cheating and then saying it is because you are bisexual. That just isn't the truth. People cheat because they are cheaters, lie because they are liars, being attracted to someone doesn't always mean leaping into bed with them.

Original poster

bren33 · 30/08/2012 15:05

Have any of on here had personal experience of dating or having relationships with men who like men?

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 30/08/2012 15:06

I'm a bisexual women myself, and would absolutely have a relationship with a bisexual man or a bisexual woman. The important thing is that my partner is reliable and trustworthy. I don't care if they find both genders attractive, as long as they are faithful to me.

However, I can see that it must be extra hard to find that not only has he lied about the affair, but that he has also kept his sexuality secret from you. And it must be very hard to know whether to believe what he says now, when he has deceived you already.

MrsHelsBels74 · 30/08/2012 15:08

I agree with others, you can be bisexual & faithful. This man has cheated on you, that is the main fact, not whether he cheated with a man or woman. I always thought I'd find it easier if my husband cheated with a man as I wouldn't torment myself with the 'what have they got that I haven't thoughts, but then I've not been in that situation so have no real idea how I'd react. At the end of the day it's cheating.

DruAnderson · 30/08/2012 15:11

His sexuality, imo, is a separate issue to the cheating. Unless you are saying if he had cheated with a woman you could have got over it.
Regardless of who it was with, he cheated. You need to decide if you can get past that, then decide if you want to b with someone who is bi-sexual.
Being bi-sexual doesn't mean you can cheat and its ok. It means you are attracted to both men and women.
tbh your 'opinion' that people can't be bi-sexual means nothing. As you are not bi sexual and have those feelings, you can't say it doesn't exist.
what you can say is that you do now wish to be with someone who has these feelings.
I don't get why being bi sexual is an issue in marriage tbh. As both partners should be faithful, does it really matter who they see as attractive.
but that's my opinion.
I would be more bothered about the cheating than the sex of th person it was with.

Northernlurkerisonholiday · 30/08/2012 15:11

OP - I don't understand what you hope to gain from stories of other's bisexual experiences? I think you need to concentrate on YOUR situation tbh.

Original poster

bren33 · 30/08/2012 15:12

@ Mmmarmite i understand exactly what you are saying and you right the fact he cheated is just wrong. Can i ask have you always been bisexual? I am 100% straight myself and just know i would never want to be with a woman sexually.

OP posts:

DruAnderson · 30/08/2012 15:14

Op my dh had 2 year relationship with a man before we met.
12 years together and 10 years married with 2 kids. Neither of us have cheated, with anyone.
Sexuality doesn't determine fidelity.
Your dh is trying to excuse cheating, he is a cheater and a liar.

DruAnderson · 30/08/2012 15:16

OP that's because you are straight. You being straight doesn't mean bi sexuality does not exist. I have never been attracted to a woman. That doesn't mean gay women don't exist.

Offred · 30/08/2012 15:17

Had a bisexual boyfriend for 4 years. I wouldn't say he was any different to my straight boyfriends really. Maybe nicer but not because he was bi, because he was nice.

EleanorHandbasket · 30/08/2012 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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