confused

[rainbowdiva]

not sure what i am looking for really, but i am not feeling good today and wish i could get some insight and think clearly.
I ended relationship with P last night and my emotions are all over the place, but mainly i just seem to feel nothing. I cant think clearly at all. My confidence is absolutely shot.
He isnt the father of my child, but has been there for the last 18 months. I split from my childs father after 12 years and was separated 2 years when we met. He was there through my divorce.
I found the feelings of guilt of being with him difficult as my exH seems in such a bad place.
P has depression as he has issues with his ex wife and contact with his son.
I am now suffering and last night he accused me of having bipolar disorder.
I dont, but my confidence and self esteem are very low.
I feel like i have been run down into the ground and just don't know where to go from here :-(

You don't have to go anywhere except where you want to be. You don't have to feel anything especially. Do nothing if that's what feels right.

What strikes me from your story is that all the problems in your life are other people's rather than yours. If your exH is in a bad place that's no more your problem than your former partner's depression or difficulties with access. Let them fight their own battles and you'll be much happier. So take some deep breaths and give yourself some time to yourself. I'm sure the mental illness accusation is just sour grapes... but if you think you need medical help then talk to your GP. Otherwise be with people that make you feel good and accept their support. And do what you'd like to do, for you... not worry about making other people's lives better.

I agree with Cog, it sounds like it's mostly everyone else's problems that you have been taking on as your own. They have to take responsibility for their own happiness and lives.

You're bound to feel confused and all over the place as you've just split with your P. Give yourself some time & space and pay no mind to his rantings.

It sounds like things have been dragging you down, and hopefully after a bit of time to regroup, you'll feel a whole lot better and lighter.

thank you both, i am doing nothing at the moment. thankfully it is my day off work and i have the day to myself. i namechanged. I had a lot of advice from mn and i did split with P before, to be honest loads of red flags etc and after a break i weakened and contacted him. It went full pace again, despite me not wanting this, i got swung along with it. he is domineering and controlling and jealous. horrible to be on the receiving end of this. This progressed to emotional abuse. DV was mentioned by his ex wife. I know about one incident however i will never know if it was a one off will i? he "turns" and he can be threatening. Then he goes into meltdown and says he has been drinking to cope.
i dont know what i have been doing with this man, i really dont.

Don't beat yourself up for being suckered in by an abusive man. There are a lot of them about and they can be very persuasive and attractive when they want to be. They always have a 'poor me' story to excuse the crap they dish out and we feel sorry for them. But that's all in the past now. The main thing is that you've had the BSB (bottle, spine and balls) to get shot of him. That's a really courageous and self-affirming thing to do and, if you've been downtrodden for a long time, it's going to take a day or three to sink in.

Look after yourself, in the fullest sense of the phrase. Put yourself #1 in your life, treat yourself kindly and allow yourself some well-earned praise for having been so gutsy!

ces well said. I should know better, i am 36 ffs..
yes he is charming, good looking, outgoing but he is very persuasive, manipulative. How can an educated woman get to a place where she is frightened to say "no" and loses herself in this?
i just feel like a lonely mess, i am so annoyed with myself.
My exH was not like this at all. I seem to have gone from one extreme to another in terms of personalities. Apparently this is common? and it i common to end up with an unsuitable man after divorce...

Well done on getting out.

I think you should go no contact with this guy, as he sounds really bad news, and the best way of avoiding getting sucked back in is to give him no entry points.

Any relationship presents risks. Anyone at any stage in their life can find they've made a bad choice. You didn't exactly rebound from your ex to the last man... you said a 2 year gap?.... but maybe you'd had enough of being alone, needed some support because of the divorce, and were too willing to give a good-looking chap the benefit of the doubt and overlook his faults?

All you can do is learn from the experience, dust yourself off and get on with life older and wiser. Doesn't stop you making more mistakes in future but 'nothing ventured, nothing gained'.

can anyone explain this tho?
Ok i was flattered and swept away, he gave me loads of compliments and made grande gestures. he told me he loved me after a month. and on the verge of me ending the relationship, asked me to marry him... i think he was genuine aswell? wtf?

A lot of emotional bullies/abusers alternate grand gesture OTT romanticism with super-terrible behaviour as way of staying in control of a relationship. They're not stupid. They know you wouldn't stick around if all they did was be domineering and jealous. But they want to win at all costs and you're the trophy. By going for overkill on the compliments etc., they do a good impression of 'love' and gamble that it'll be enough to make up for previous bad behaviour and give them a bit of grace for the next episode. When it's not working they go for the sympathy vote... 'stressed', 'bad childhood', 'drinking to cope', 'depression'.... again, appealing to your caring nature and willingness to see the best in people. How can you be angry with a sick man???? Even the jealousy often gets dressed up as 'I love you so much, that's why I'm like this'. Back-handed flattery.

I don't think it's always as calculated as it sounds, but the net effect is that it keeps you stringing along optimistic that the bad episodes are temporary and the good times are just around the corner.

BTW...he asked you to marry him because the worst thing for these people is knowing they've lost.

thanks. i have done nothing all day but mope
he would not respect me needing time to myself, time with my son alone, time for hobbies and friends. he seemed to want me to be with him 24/7. why? if i did say i wanted time, he then would have a "tantrum" and say it was over?? i just dont get it. the tighter he kept a hold, the more it pushed me away. does that make sense?

It makes lots of sense because not everyone is as strong as you. Some would have taken the tantrums and the bouquets as proof that he really, really loved them and couldn't be without them. They'd have gradually stopped saying they needed time alone for hobbies and friends just to keep him sweet. They'd have been rationalising his behaviour as understandable owing to all his personal problems. You saw through him eventually and you got branded as bi-polar... What does that tell you about his grasp of reality?

ces.. i nearly fell into that trap, however was aware of it and in the end just couldn't do it. i felt restricted and controlled and felt my own personality and confidence were slipping away. We must be on completely different wavelengths. It really upset me him labelling me. I have suffered depression myself, but it was the aggressive way he did it.. like there is something wrong with me. (he even said that) I just think it is hurtful. He kept talking about mood swings, to be honest i dont really get where he was coming from. he said i have destroyed his life and he will drink to cope. also he said to me "dont do anything stupid".. what on earth was he thinking? something stupid? like what? i will not be doing anything stupid thank you very much..

There is a slim possibility that he is taking all of his own personality traits and wrongly attributing them to you.... What do the psychologists call that? Transference? He sounds rather unstable from your description, drinks to cope (with what, I wonder?), certainly has mood swings and if one of you was to be found dead in the morning after doing 'something stupid' (code for suicide normally), my money would be on him rather than you.

Maybe it suited him to see you as some kind of damaged creature that he had set out to save? He knew best what was good for you? You rejecting him would be seen as the ultimate ingratitude. You're well out of it.

ces, yes i think he is "projecting" which i think is the psychological term. He is very unstable and I am worried and am blaming myself. I have e-mails from him early into this morning, with lyrics of depressing songs and it is getting me in tears. He also said he has been drinking the last 24 hours. He is definitely depressed and is starting to take me there with him. He said he looked at pills and considered... it is just awful. Im not sure if it is attention seeking, a cry to help? I am normally a good judge but I just can't tell with him. I never could... maybe that is a warning for me next time... I know i am well out of it. For some reason, this behavior from him makes me panic and go back to make sure he is ok.. perhaps he knows that?

rainbowdiva - Google search Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder! You're well rid!

It's not attention-seeking so much as emotional blackmail. Yes he's well aware of what he's doing and it's designed to make you feel guilty and worried. Anyone will tell you that the people who actually do commit suicide usually do so without flagging up their intentions in advance. Take a tip and don't read his e-mails, texts or anything else. If you ignore him he'll find it harder to cast you in his little dramas. And, if he actually does kill himself, rest assured that it would be entirely his own decision.

Actually - sorry that sounded rather brutal when clearly you have/had strong feelings and care for him. But you'll be doing him a favour if you cut loose. Tell him he needs space and you won't be making contact again. Stick to that. Or if you can't face that then define a time period when you won't contact him - a week/a month - whatever you can cope with.

CogitoErgoSometimes you're wrong about people who really are at risk of suicide don't talk about it. See what's top of the list for Suicide Warning Signs

I really care about him, it is hard ot detach when you have been so close to someone and had some nice times too... however as for NPD.. he didnt start like the below, but it is how i see him now..

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation YES

Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals YES

Have excessive feelings of self-importance YES

Exaggerate achievements and talents SOMETIMES

Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love -IDEAL LOVE YES

Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment - SOMETIMES

Need constant attention and admiration - YES CONSTANT ATTENTION

Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy - OBVIOUSLY WITH ME

Have obsessive self-interest - SOMETIMES

Pursue mainly selfish goals - SOMETIMES

That list probably describes 50% of the population. I'm sure there are some people who genuinely suffer with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but there is a far greater number who are simply selfish, self-absorbed and uncaring. Labelling them all 'disordered' cheapens the diagnosis.

rainbowdiva - I think the fact that there were so many YESes and not one single NO means that he's a fairly classic case! After all, the header to that paragraph is 'A person with narcissistic personality disorder may :'

I hope that defining a psychological disorder will help you to understand that this man will never change. In fact if you search further you'll find that these people are often so honey-sweet at the start of a relationship that they seem like the perfect partner. Charming, generous, loving etc. As someone leaving an abusive relationship you were drawn to his apparent charms. Unfortunately it's a mask that he uses to cover his true behaviours.

CogitoErgoSometimes I'm pleased to say that the list doesn't describe 50% of the people I know!

I just think there are an awful lot of aggressive, entitled, selfish people around. Plenty of attention-seekers and braggers. Plenty of self-important types taking umbrage at perceived slights and expecting special treatment ... often to be found on the AIBU board, in fact. If you watch 'The Apprentice' I'd say 100% of the candidates meet that list... especially the bit about taking advantage of others... and what else can you attribute the rise of the celebrity culture except being "preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love"?

fortyplus/ces
yes i read those signs last night (of suicide). No contact today, I will be back later as i have to go out now. He isnt making a lot of sense and the e-mails are a bit weird..thanks for your support.. why me?

Op, well done for having the confidence to end something that's clearly making you unhappy. You will go through a process of not feeling very nice and confused (likely trying to make sense of this mans behaviour and your reaction to it). I think you're doing the right thing. Stay strong, don't respond to him and be kind to yourself. Don't do what I did and stay with the abusive man for years only to regret the time you've lost in an unhappy relationship. Keep talking on here too - I wish I had mumsnet all those years ago. Good luck.