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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Never ever wants sex - I need some straight answers please

37 replies

CordeliaStarling · 29/08/2012 23:19

It's been going on for a couple of years. He's given me all the excuses like stress, illness, being tired etc. he still hugs me and says he loves me but nothing ever changes.

He just doesn't fancy me does he?

OP posts:
TodaysAGoodDay · 29/08/2012 23:20

Was it always like this?

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2012 23:22

What's his behaviour like in other ways?

Original poster
CordeliaStarling · 29/08/2012 23:23

No we use to have a really good sex life. It's since we had dd 3 years ago. I try really hard to look nice, I've lost my baby weight. I just don't get it. He's really interested in me in other ways.

OP posts:
TodaysAGoodDay · 29/08/2012 23:26

Some men can have a really tough time adjusting to the whole lover/wife thing when kids come along, especially if he's seen you breastfeeding. To him you may seem more like your DD's mother than his lover? A difficult one to advise on, can the two of you get away for an evening/overnight by yourselves at all?

LonelyLou · 29/08/2012 23:29

He needs to have a word with his GP perhaps, who after medical checks may refer him to a counsellor.

I'm plucking at sraws here but it MAY be something like the onset of diabetes as this can lessen the libido.

I bet it's nothing you've done, CS but he needs to respect you and attempt to sort it out.

Best wishes X

Helltotheno · 29/08/2012 23:48

One or more of the following:

  1. Gay
  2. Doesn't fancy you (not your fault)
  3. Uses too much porn and can only get it up for blow-up doll types
  4. Sees you differently now cos you're a mum (related to 3)
  5. Has a health issue
  6. Erectile dysfunction that might put him off initiating

If things used to be fine in that department, I'm leaning towards 2, 3 or 4.

tawse57 · 30/08/2012 00:01

Did he see DD coming out? If so, that is your problem.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 30/08/2012 00:07

Tawse57?! WTAF?!

The vast majority of men manage to be at childbirth without it putting them off sex for ever! Nice way to make the OP feel bad....

Inadeeptrance · 30/08/2012 00:08

Nice post Tawse57 Hmm very helpful.

I think you need to sit him down and get some straight answers. Does he use porn? If he does, that may be your problem, I'm guessing. If he has got into the habit of using porn then it is very easy for him to use that to avoid the intimacy of real sex.

springydaffs · 30/08/2012 00:11

what a nerve to put you through that for 2 years! I would make it a condition that you (or he) get some specialist support, pronto. Starting with the GP and then go from there.

I do hope you get this sorted out. Don't put up with it OP = it is so painful.

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2012 00:13

If he's generally nice, loving and a good husband then it's quite probably willy-wilt or at least the fear of it, and he doesn't want to say the words aloud. But if he's a nice bloke, he should be able to understand that he can't just carry on ignoring the issue and expecting you to put up with it.

springydaffs · 30/08/2012 00:14

sorry, bit late so I didn't word that well. I mean that he gets speciailist support, which would include you both together if you go to a sex therapist. But he'd have to start with the GP to check there isn't a physical cause.

I feel cross on your behalf that he has put you through this for 2 years without addressing it. I feel angry about that tbh.

dysfunctionalme · 30/08/2012 01:04

Is he passive aggressive in other ways?

divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/pa_sex.htm

NicholasTeakozy · 30/08/2012 01:12

tawse57 Thu 30-Aug-12 00:01:33

Did he see DD coming out? If so, that is your problem.

Having seen two DDs 'come out' I have to say you're spouting rubbish.

jynier · 30/08/2012 02:03

Dear OP. Hate to suggest this but perhaps he's addicted to porn or has OW.

Leithlurker · 30/08/2012 02:14

What about him being depressed, or just gone completely off sex like some women on Mn say they have.

GrumpyOldWomanToo · 30/08/2012 04:58

I think, for a lot of people, sex is just more trouble than it is worth. Young people are mostly lusty, of course, but I've got the feeling (not based on statistics) that a lot of people just... can't be bothered.

In your case, a mis-match of appetites, it MAY be that DH has a low libido, or a low level of testosterone, or some medical problem. He probably should see his GP, get it checked out.

However, if he loves you, hugs you, as you say, then could you try something like this: you have a sex session - maybe weekly - during which he pleasures you manually, or orally, or with a vibrator, or whatever, with no expectation at all that you will actually have PIV sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 08:24

I'm with 'helltotheno's list... and would add 6. he's got someone else.

cybbo · 30/08/2012 08:30

It's a big leap from losing your sex drive to obviously playing away

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 08:39

It's not 'obviously', it's just another possible. Two years is a very long time.

bibbetybobbityboo · 30/08/2012 12:25

Gosh what a load of crap that passive aggressive link is! Don't get me wrong i'm not doubting it can happen like that but the assumption that a man should have sex with you at the end of a nice day together is outragous! Our relationship could be seen the opposite way round at the moment and the comments here make me feel terrible about it. I have sought any medical help although i have a good idea about the combination of things causing my issues (a combination of hormonal and psychological and life with a toddler for the record). We do however talk about it often and try to reach a compromise but at the end of the day we love each other we just have different sexual appetites at the moment. I'm sure it will right itself as life goes on, if it doesnt and becomes and issue we will deal with it. OP it sounds as though that time has come for you. A frank talk about how you feel and how he feels and a plan to move things forward ina way that is right for you both is needed. Whether that is GP, counselling or just making more time or effort.

I do wonder how different the responses would have been if the OP was a man posting about his wife in these circumstances.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 12:40

Why should you feel terrible? You've acknowledged sex is an important part of your relationship, accepted there is a problem, talked about it and tried to reach a compromise. The OP is getting excuses and the status quo. Quite different. Don't think the gender is relevant at all.

bibbetybobbityboo · 30/08/2012 13:22

Hmm perhaps i am oversensitive about it then. It just seems to me like just because he doesn't want to have sex then they are either ill, abusive or having an affair (not every response i appreciate). I don't think gender should come into it either but just imagining a reverse scenario i can imagine there being much more sympathy and understanding towards the OP's OH.

I have on rare occasions been known to be wrong though Wink

loganberry12 · 30/08/2012 17:49

Does he smoke cannabis at all? This can kill the sex drive.

Helltotheno · 30/08/2012 19:07

Cogito how could I have forgotten the OW, that old MN staple?! Could easily be that of course...

I'm not inclined to go for the 'generally low libido' theory, cos that usually rears its ugly head soon into a relationship on the basis that most people aren't good at pretending they're up for it.

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