He Never ever wants sex - I need some straight answers please

[CordeliaStarling]

It's been going on for a couple of years. He's given me all the excuses like stress, illness, being tired etc. he still hugs me and says he loves me but nothing ever changes.

He just doesn't fancy me does he?

Could it be fear of a second pregnancy?

He's had a vasectomy so it's not fear of pregnancy. I don't think
He's having an affair either. He's always working or at home with me. He does talk about a female colleague a lot though.

A current theory of mine is that if a person does go through a period of low libido due to stress, tiredness and what-have-you, desire can fail to reappear on its own even once the source of stress has been resolved. I think this is the position I'm finding myself in now - I used to have a horrifically stressful job that made me feel shit all the time, so our sex life steadily dwindled from weekly to monthly to quarterly to...basically nothing. After a couple of years of that, I had basically fallen out of the habit of wanting sex. Now I've quit that job and managed to relax a bit, I'm trying to get back in touch with my old horny self, but it's taking a lot of time and effort, and quite a lot of self-awareness too. As a bloke I think there's even more pressure to always be up for it, so he may well be avoiding the issue out of embarrassment rather than looking at it head on and trying to figure out why.

I adore my husband, would be devastated to lose him, hug and cuddle and laugh with him every day, and stare at his bum when he walks past. I am certainly not having an affair or addicted to porn! But I still don't want sex. I've told him that if it starts really getting to him then he's got to tell me and I'll work ten times harder, spend my savings on sex therapy, do whatever it takes. It kind of sounds like your bloke needs to know just how much this is getting you down, and that he has to stop burying his head in the sand and try to figure out what's changed.

I've heard vasectomies can affect sex drive? (no idea if it's true)

He does talk about a female colleague a lot though.

I think that could be your answer...

not sure if it is true.would say dh's sex drive has gone up if anything since having his vasectomy.

Sorry, you asked for straight answers, I'd say he simply no longer fancies you...

How long has he been talking about this other woman?

I know it's an unpopular opinion but it is possible he thinks of you more as a mother than a lover.

I am extremely squeamish and for years, in my teens, I could barely look at my mother without thinking of where I came from. DP has two children (not by me, not a hope in hell) and he copes with bodily functions so much better than me.

I'm not even going to try and guess why, I have been here with my own dp, although his appetites just reduced drastically never actually disappeard.

I think you should have a frank discussion about it with him if you can and tell him how much it bothers you.

This is such a common problem can't the explanation simply be that it is natural for most couples to have less sex as time goes on, even if the sex life was quite healthy in the early days. That is certainly the pattern in my own relationships. I think I have a high sex drive but over time everyday life takes over, add in the stresses of work and raising a family, resentments build and you are just not up for it as much. This becomes a habit until your sex life can die a death. It's what you do about it that is the problem.