Please help me face the end of my marriage, it is the end, right?

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Hi,

So my DH and I have had a very rocky ten years, culminating in, three years ago him moving out. However we always stayed really close, carried on sleeping together, doing things as a family etc, and to my mind we were somehow going to fix things. It always felt a bit overwhelming and stuck when we tried to talk about it but we certainly never got to the point of stating that it was definitely over.

Then four months ago I got the most hideous shock of my life when I found out, in a really horrible way (my DCs referring to her having accompanied them on an outing, basically) that he's started seeing someone else. He denied it initially but then it became pretty obvious and he didn't really have anywhere to hide.

At this point I had a massive hysterical emotional reaction of almost begging him to make another go of our marriage, move back in (his having lived separately was pretty much initiated by me), realising how much I love him and how much I don't want our family to be broken. I'm not proud of having laid myself bare like that but it really was how I felt -- desperate.

His reaction to this was to keep on saying he wasn't sure. But when I said 'look if you've met someone else let's end our relationship properly' he said he wasn't sure about that either, that he still loved me and wasn't ready to turn his back on us. The horrible thing about it was that throughout this time he kept on seeing her, and lying to me about it, I kept having to find out things from snooping and getting proof and confronting him. Each time it happened I was very clear that all I wanted was for him to be honest and stop lying. But he still kept on just saying he wasn't sure, he wasn't ready for us to end it. So this hideousness continued for a couple of months until I got to the point where I was so exhausted by the emotional roller coaster of it all that I said he had to either end it with her or I'd end our relationship.

So he decided to end it with her. And for a very short while it was really intense with us, mind-blowing sex, lots more time together than before, etc. But he kept being honest that he still wasn't sure his feelings were where they needed to be. And then last week I find out that he's actually been carrying on seeing her and when I confront him about it I just get anger, that he can't be expected to just cut her off dead, that I'm being controlling, etc etc.

Shit eh. I just need to accept that it's over, he doesn't really love me, and walk away.

The problem is I just don't know where to find my backbone. Despite my better judgement I continue to cling on for dear life. The reason I've endured the fuckwittage thus far is my sheer terror of properly letting go and facing the loss of the marriage I thought I was in for life. The thought of inflicting a fragmented childhood on my two DCs (8 and 5) and coping on my own whilst trying to heal a broken heart... oof. I just don't know how I'm going to do it, but my head knows that this is the only thing I can do right now if I'm to emerge with a modicum of self-respect intact.

Any tales of similar 'I did what I had to do, faced heartbreak and survived' would be very welcome at this point.

Thanks so much for reading.

Do not want you to go unanswered..have not come our the other side but am where you are, minus ow I think...lived separately, try but fail, can't let go, guilt to two young dcs.its horrible.but what he has expected you to normalise just isn't. Its knowing that it is not and has not been right for a long time, but that hurdle of letting go of the ideal that it could have been is painful to the extreme.but its like taking so long to pull off a plaster!x

Thank you, the pulling off the plaster analogy is very apt here. I know if it was my friend/sister/daughter this would be my advice to her. But when it comes to me... I just don't know where to find the strength

Well, I've certainly faced heartbreak and survived. So it can be done.
I feel for you. It sounds as if you hadn't really let go of the marriage but he had. More than you had really. I wouldn't beg again. It will only make him tell you what you want to hear.

Do you want to be married to him? In the fullest sense of the word? Not this sort of half in/half out affair? Does he want to be married to you in that way? If the answer is no from either of you, then yes I'd say it's over. And you will survive it.

And letting her meet the kids is so disgraceful, I feel really angry on your and their behalf.

It's not about finding a backbone. It's about you trusting yourself.

Long ago you knew that your marriage wasn't working. You took the very brave step of beginning the end. However, you (and your H) seem so insecure that you were prepared to cling to one another rather than properly fix or finish your relationship.

I feel your pain. Like you I would tell someone else that it was over and to move on but when it's yourself and you see everything you wanted and have worked for going down the drain it is so hard not to try and cling on to it. It is all to easy to beg and then feel worse as you haven't got what you want and you're losing your self respect and faith in other people in the process.

Sorry that this is just empathy rather than hope for the future.

No, he doesn't love you. And you deserve better.
I recently came to an identical conclusion. I realised that if he wasn't 'sure' after all this time then that was my answer and I deserve someone 100% not someone with one eye out for something better.
You can't trust his fidelity, ever, because he doesn't intend to be faithful. Because he doesn't love or value you enough.
And you know what? A rocky ten years? That is enough my dear. A rocky year or two after a good long happy time, ok. But a rocky ten years, you guys are done. I realised that we have been married 6 years and not one of them has been a 'good' year. Sure the year DS was born was great but even that year, relationship wise, was rocky. I see other people with normal, chilled, non rocky relationships and think ' we never had that, not really' and it steels my reserve.
Of course it's hard, this is the 4th time we have split, and I am fond of him, and of course now we have stopped anxsting we get on brilliantly but I am resolved this time. I just have to cast my mind back to the miserable insecurity that I felt knowing that my husband 1) didn't really want to be married to me and 2) could quite conceivably be shagging someone else. It's an awful feeling. I feel liberated to be perfectly honest- sad and angry at times but mostly liberated.

Sorry you are going through this. My H left me at Easter. He first left at the end of Feb, right out of the blue saying that he no longer loved me. I begged him to come back which he did for six weeks. We had lots of sex, spent more time together blah blah blah. He then walked at Easter. I later discovered that he had been texting his best mates wife behind my back over 100 times a day.

I begged him to come back. I threw my dignity out the window. When I realised that he meant what he said, I filed for divorce straight away. I could have filed my absolute last week but am waiting until we have sorted out the finances.

It's not been easy. But five months on I am doing ok. I'm past the shock and devastation although I do still have my down days. Five months ago I never thought I would be doing as well as I am now.

My friend has taken over two years to sort out her divorce snd she wishes that she had done it a lot quicker than she did.

Take care, but if it's over, you need to find the strength to deal with it. I know it's not easy....

Thank you so much everyone. This is really, really helping. x

It was obviously the end three years ago. You've been keeping him on a string ever since and only decided you wanted him back once he got someone else. I don't know what he did to deserve it but, to me, expecting to click your fingers and have him come running has been a very cruel way to behave. I'm really not surprised he found someone new.

Cogito? Eh??? He is the one who has been seeing someone else behind her back for years...how do you make it the OP's fault? It sounds like she's tried very hard and he has been stringing her along!

They'd split up. Once that happened I think they were operating from very different scripts and never bothered to check each other's version. He believed he was a single man with an ex(ish) wife happy to remain in his life on a FWB basis. She's not done anything to make him think differentky. Maybe 'cruel' is a little strong but I certainly think there's been a lot of dishonesty

Well that's one way of looking at it
I think they have communicated badly and haven't made their expectations clear to each other - but I would say that telling your wife of ten years, who you still sleep with and spend time with, if you have met someone else is pretty basic etiquette.

Surely it's reasonable to have assumed, after three years of separation, that he was at least dating if not actually seeing someone? Kick someone out and then voluntarily cast yourself in the role of the OW and that's how you get treated.

I think it's reasonable to assume that he should have properly ended things with his wife when he met someone else, and that continuing to sleep with her whilst seeing someone else is by definition dishonest.

And lest you think I'm blindly defending her because she's a woman or something, I did to my husband what OP's has done to her. Ot's very poor behaviour.

To me, kicking someone out is 'properly ending it'.

Clearly not.

Clearly not to the OP... clearly it was to her exH

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you at the moment round. I think we often make odd or seemingly unwise decisions as relationships die. It sounds to me like, deep down, you've wanted to be out of your marriage for a long time but not able to face the pain of definitive separation. I think that this will be a blessing in disguise because it'll make you grieve and move on with your life.

What I learned from the end of my marriage is that, just because it hurts a lot, doesn't mean that it is the wrong thing. As a single parent I find life different, a bit more difficult in some ways, but I would never go back to my unsatisfactory relationship.

You will hurt, you will grieve, you will have to navigate some tricky new situations but then you will heal, you will settle and find a life that suits you better.

Good luck.

Cogito: fair enough in a way. I think that's how he sees it. The only thing which doesn't make sense is that in the whole period we were separated we were continuing to talk about it not quite being the end, about what we needed to do to make it better. So how he can have thought that we were definitely over is a bit of a puzzle. He definitely didn't want to tell me he was dating, he made the effort to hide pictures of her from me on Facebook, didn't tell me he was going to introduce her to the DCs etc. We even went for a few counselling sessions to try and see if we could fix our relationship where he didn't mention her at all. I guess he just wanted to hedge his bets

Myselfagain: thank you so much. I hope I can take a leaf out of your book.

Is it change which is the big fear for you, rather than the idea of actually officially ending the marriage?
Many people find it easier to stick with the security of a situation even when it might be really not very happy at all. You almost convince yourself it's 'safer' Because what if the alternative is even worse?

Try to be really objective . You had 10 years of rocky times, followed by a lengthy separation and he's been seeing another woman for quite a while. If you were to officially end the marriage, would it honestly be worse than things are now?
I think you need to take a deep breath and jump in. The end of this relationship is the start of the rest of your life

I think you are right to say that he was hedging his bets. I think you may have been putting off all the work that comes with a separation. You didn't need to operate as a single woman because he was there, in the background.

Time to crack on with the real thing now.

just because it hurts a lot, doesn't mean that it is the wrong thing

Wise words from Myselfagain. Onwards OP.

My advice too - when, no matter whic way you turn the prism, you cannot make it look the way you want it to look, stop looking at it.

Set it aside and do something else.

You have had a hideous 3 years. It may well be a relief.

But mark my words - if you cannot make it look how you want it to look, stop looking at it and look at something else instead. xx One day you won't care.

You sound bereft, I am so sorry.

Sometimes you can find a bit of diversion and regain a little control by getting to grips with the practical side of things...here is some information for you:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)