Please help me face the end of my marriage, it is the end, right?

[roundwindow]

Hi,

So my DH and I have had a very rocky ten years, culminating in, three years ago him moving out. However we always stayed really close, carried on sleeping together, doing things as a family etc, and to my mind we were somehow going to fix things. It always felt a bit overwhelming and stuck when we tried to talk about it but we certainly never got to the point of stating that it was definitely over.

Then four months ago I got the most hideous shock of my life when I found out, in a really horrible way (my DCs referring to her having accompanied them on an outing, basically) that he's started seeing someone else. He denied it initially but then it became pretty obvious and he didn't really have anywhere to hide.

At this point I had a massive hysterical emotional reaction of almost begging him to make another go of our marriage, move back in (his having lived separately was pretty much initiated by me), realising how much I love him and how much I don't want our family to be broken. I'm not proud of having laid myself bare like that but it really was how I felt -- desperate.

His reaction to this was to keep on saying he wasn't sure. But when I said 'look if you've met someone else let's end our relationship properly' he said he wasn't sure about that either, that he still loved me and wasn't ready to turn his back on us. The horrible thing about it was that throughout this time he kept on seeing her, and lying to me about it, I kept having to find out things from snooping and getting proof and confronting him. Each time it happened I was very clear that all I wanted was for him to be honest and stop lying. But he still kept on just saying he wasn't sure, he wasn't ready for us to end it. So this hideousness continued for a couple of months until I got to the point where I was so exhausted by the emotional roller coaster of it all that I said he had to either end it with her or I'd end our relationship.

So he decided to end it with her. And for a very short while it was really intense with us, mind-blowing sex, lots more time together than before, etc. But he kept being honest that he still wasn't sure his feelings were where they needed to be. And then last week I find out that he's actually been carrying on seeing her and when I confront him about it I just get anger, that he can't be expected to just cut her off dead, that I'm being controlling, etc etc.

Shit eh. I just need to accept that it's over, he doesn't really love me, and walk away.

The problem is I just don't know where to find my backbone. Despite my better judgement I continue to cling on for dear life. The reason I've endured the fuckwittage thus far is my sheer terror of properly letting go and facing the loss of the marriage I thought I was in for life. The thought of inflicting a fragmented childhood on my two DCs (8 and 5) and coping on my own whilst trying to heal a broken heart... oof. I just don't know how I'm going to do it, but my head knows that this is the only thing I can do right now if I'm to emerge with a modicum of self-respect intact.

Any tales of similar 'I did what I had to do, faced heartbreak and survived' would be very welcome at this point.

Thanks so much for reading.

One day very soon you will wake up and think 'why am I hanging on?', and you will for the first time feel free.... and believe me it will feel WONDERFUL!

You deserve a life with someone who loves you, completely, not in a half hearted part time way, and you will find that someone. Just be prepared for a major wobble as I predict that the more independent you become, the more you pull away, and the more you show that you prefer life without him, the more attractive you will become to him. Many men can't bear that their stbxw isn't pining in pieces for them, and try to get them back, but by then you may not want him.

Thank you all. It seems pretty much unanimous that moving on is what I have to do. My head is ready but my heart is digging its heels in. This is the worst pain I have ever been through in my life We never really faced it properly before, by dithering emotionally and staying connected. I just sometimes feel like I'm never going to get over him. But I know I will, somehow.

Meanwhile, what does moving on look like exactly? Its going to be challenging to disconnect myself emotionally whilst keeping the DCs interests paramount. DH is advocating that we just carry on as before, i.e., him spending his time with the DCs here, us doing things as a family etc. but I don't know if I can handle this if we're not 'trying' any more to reconnect as a couple. I really don't want his relationship with the DCs to be affected, but think maybe he should see them on his turf for a while, just to give me space to grieve. But when I put this to him he says I'm going to make it difficult for the DCs, I'm blackmailing him, I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, etc etc.

Really not easy, I feel like I'm having to fight for a situation I don't even want, IYSWIM.

Bah

panicnot: thank you. Your words made me cry. One day I will be OK.

carry on as before, i.e., him spending his time with the DCs here, us doing things as a family etc

I'm sure that would be very convenient for him but frankly that is not a sensible option for anything other than the short term. It's your home, not his - and he is going to have to get to grips with this new reality he has chosen and sort out alternative agreed arrangements for his contact with the children.

I'm afraid I agree with Cogito. The OP initiated his moving out three years ago. Since then, she seems surprised that he has developed a bit of a life of his own, rather than waiting in limbo for her to summon him back. I don't think you can expect people to be in a state of limbo for this long. He may simply have been lonely and wanted some company - in fact that may well be how it started out.

To be fair, the DH doesn't sound as though he has much backbone. But the OP only seems to have wanted him back when she got a bit of competition, the husband seems to want to hedge his bets (not sure I really blame him). I don't think its surprising that his feelings for the OP were uncertain after her asking him to leave and spending three years living seperately.

Its as if the OP has been in a sort of dream, disgusing the reality of the situation, without resolving it.

OP you say you accept your DH doesn't love you, but do you even love him? If so, why did you expect him to stay in limbo until it suited you? Are you prepared to fight to get him back? After three years of being out in the cold, you would probably have to work quite hard to win back his affections.

I am sorry to be harsh when you are down, and I don't normally sympathise with men, but in this case I think its justified. Of course, I don't know why you wanted him to leave in the first place.

It was very complicated, but perhaps it makes it a bit clearer to point out that leading up to the time we separated, he joined a dating site and flirted with various people online (don't think it actually went anywhere at that point) then had a sort of secret texting relationship with our teenage babysitter. I don't want to demonise him, lots of things were wrong with us, there was a lot of strain on our relationship (living far away from family and friends, DS with SN, etc.) but this was his way of dealing with it and we never really managed to resolve it. But there was lots of other stuff, it's not as clear cut as him being a total villain. and I hold my hands up to Geegee and Cogito's line of reasoning, there's definitely something in that. I just wish he'd been more honest about it at the time.

roundwidow him coming around and family days out do need to end, the dc need a clear end you are not a that same family unit anymore. He can't have his cake and eat it!

Your STBXH has a new partner and he needs to take responsibility of having the dc over and looking after them without you.

Take it one day at a time x

Well I can see why the OP thought that they might come through this, and it must be very hurtful to have had your hopes shattered like that. However, what's done is done, time to adjust to the situation as it is - there's no going back from this, and it's time to get to grips with it.

You will come through it OP, just take it step by step and keep it together for the sake of the kids - focus on them - they didn't choose any of this either and they are your priority now.

Do you have any RL friends who can support you through this difficult time?

Totally agree that the DCs are the absolute no. 1 priority. Inflicting this on them is the biggest part of my sadness at the moment. This is what makes it hard for me to assert that I need my space... as the model he's advocating would mean less disruption and heartbreak for them. Sort of feel like he's got me over a barrel.

Roundwidow can I be honest? It might seem the easy option now, but it won't be in the long run, plus I don't know how old your children are, but once they are around teenage years, if not before, then they will notice your unusual living arrangements/issues/extra girlfriends (funnily enough, I don't think he'll be giving these up). I think it's better to have you happier, and for the split to be real, and for him to re-establish himself as a great dad who happens not to be with you, who is a great mum. I think anything else is going to be very messy and hurt you more in the long run, and by implication, this does affect them.

If he lives close, wants 50% involvement, having the odd family day out if you can stand it, all well and good and lovely for them, but not under false pretences, it will all come crashing down.

And, it's not up to him if he comes around to yours all the time and sees them in the family home now. He and you have made your choices (you to kick him out, him to move on) and this has to play out. If he has a local place, there's no reason for them not to see him there. I can also say, as the child of divorced parents (when older), it was painful for me and my brother to see all our family trying to play happy families, and pretending to get on, and personally I don't care if they never see each other again. I hate trying to fake 'don't we all get on well after our divorce' stuff especially as if it wasn't for us, they wouldn't give each other the time of day accross the street.

Of course it is better for the children if you get on, can negotiate things sensbly, don't recoil at the sight of each other, attend school events together, but the idea you can all cosy up every night and pretend nothing happened (with him seeing his lady on the side no doubt), no, it just can't happen, it's not an option any more and I wouldn't feel bad about telling him this bluntly, you do matter too in all this you know and having an emotionally torn apart mother is no good for anyone.

I agree with cogito too.

Having separated neither of you were really committed to the relationship any more. Yes you talked about how you could make it work but you didn't ever actually resolve how to do it did you? That's not a criticism - if the arrangement was working for you both then it was clearly an easy life to fall into. But it sounds as if you had more of a casual sex arrangement rather than a marriage, and it stands to reason that, having lived apart for three years, at some point one of you would meet someone else.

But ask yourself this question:

If someone else hadn't come on the scene what would you have done about this current arrangement? anything? Be honest with yourself - are you begging your dh to come back to you because you really, really want him to, or are you doing it because you can suddenly see him slipping away and you're afraid of the future without him?

I think for him to be seeing (and sleeping with) both of you is dishonest on his part - of course I do. But equally I think that in moving on to be with someone else isn't necessarily wrong on his part - he's just gone about it the wrong way.

Sorry. I've read a bit more. Flirting with your teenage babysitter. He's done you a favour. Really he has. File for divorce on Monday and get on with your life.

wannaBe: I agree, his moving on to be with someone else isn't wrong at all. I just wish he'd told me that was what was happening instead of pretending to break it off with her and make a go of things with us. I totally understand how it had got to that point and the part I played. It's what happened since that I'm struggling to come to terms with.

Hi roundwindow. So sorry for your situation. Something similar has just happened to me - your phrase

facing the loss of the marriage I thought I was in for life. The thought of inflicting a fragmented childhood on my two DCs .... and coping on my own whilst trying to heal a broken heart...

describes it exactly. In my case a 16 year partnership (we didn't get married), 3 children, two difficult years recently, mostly external pressures, work, redundancy, study and so on and he left 18 months ago to get some quiet time to study and release the tension in the house - arguments about nothing kept flaring up, that kind of thing.

We were reconciled for a couple of months last summer then suddenly he rejected me again and we have had quite an antagonistic time of it since. Can't talk calmly about anything, wrangles over the children, money and so on. On my side I get angry with him because I am upset that the kind and loving man I knew has become cold and hard. But I kept hoping somehow things would come right. This week he has told me he has been seeing someone for 6 weeks and considers himself to be 'with her' and is going to let me know when he wants to introduce her to our children. He says this won't be straight away and he won't do it without my permission (but if I withhold it I'm sure he will do it anyway). He has told my oldest child he is happier with her in 6 weeks than he has ever been with me.

The shock and grief are immeasurable. All our shared history, memories of our children's birth and childhood, our future plans for how we would spend our time together are in shreds. If I look at old photos it is like someone else's family. He has torn my very identity from me and I feel like by starting a relationship with my partner and wanting to meet my children, this new woman is walking into my life and taking over.

And of course the jealousy over him having a physical relationship with her or them even laughing, shopping, cooking together - I can't think about it/can't stop thinking about it.

I guess this is where you are too - this sense of loss. In my case I feel not only have I lost the man I loved and thought I would spend my life with but I feel to blame for losing my children a father. One day the sun will shine again but right now I agree - oof!

Have to add mine does not see the children at our family home though, takes them out or to his flat. I would love him to be here but if we were all acting like normal I would constantly keep kidding myself things could be ok.

Maybe this is what has happened to you. Agree 3 years must seem a long time to be 'in limbo' but I bet it flew past for you because of looking after the children and, like all of us, being busy dawn to dusk. But but 3 years maybe seems a long time to him if he's been living a 'single life' with fewer responsibilites. And if he's often been at the house or on family trips, not enough outwardly changed in the 3 years to make it feel over until the deception was uncovered. Have to say a real breach of trust to introduce her to the children before telling you in the first place or asking whether she could meet them. Bound to hit you hard but to be honest it sounds like you are bouncing back which is hopeful!

Thinkingitthrough - I can agree with a lot of your posts - I too had my world ripped apart and the marriage I thought was for life was just thrown aside by my STBXH.

Cold, callous, complete stranger is what he has become!

I used to let him in the house 2 nights a week for tea and to put DD to bed, because I thought we were trying to sort things out. When it became obvious that wasnt the case, I put a stop to that as it was too confusing for DD.

OMG I'm in exactly the same pit! Dh has been 'ill' for 6 months, had a breakdown then a moment of clarity 'its all down to me and the relationship', we are 17 years in with 2 boys (7and 10). no one else involved but having 'begged, ouch' for him to stay and give it ago, we had a few counselling sessions, he started to lighten up and then he came forward with he always loved me, hes never been happier, and what a difference to us all.

Yes you guessed it. hes gone! moved out and refuses to 'talk about it'. i'm bereft, the kids are confused and Im now becoming embarrassing, texting, etc. but Im alone, no family and just want him to see what he has done. But unless its to discuss the kids pick up etc he absolutely refuses to talk. ive asked him to come back to couselling, if only to help us all come to terms with it but he want.

But he walked left all the bills, us in rented accomadation and me to get on with it...but I too though we were in it for the long haul. I have worried and loved him so much as he has been really difficult to live with with the mental health prob. oof! to coin a phrase. I must step away fromphone/text/email....i know, but 4am is a dangerous time!