How to avoid repeating abusive childhood

[JacqueslePeacock]

I am terrified of turning into my mother in my interactions with my children. I don't want to be an emotionally and physically abusive mother who leaves her children needing therapy and/or unable to function as independent adult humans. I am constantly watching my own actions like some kind of internal policeman, which is exhausting and difficult, but somehow it doesn't always work. Sometimes I slip and do things I regret doing, such as taking my stress out on my son, just like my mother did on her children. Then I feel doomed and guilty (and more stressed). The problem is I don't know how to prevent myself from doing this at times. The way I was brought up seems to be so deeply ingrained. I would really like to hear from others who have overcome their own abusive upbringings to be a decent mother to their children - and to hear how you did it. How do you avoid making the mistakes of your own parents? Any advice would be wonderful.

((hug)) I think it is always an ongoing paranoia/project tbh really, how can you separate the two things fully ever?

Self awareness, confidence, counselling or CBT can help. Looking at things obectively, remembering you are not your mother.

Hi JaqueslePeacock I don't have much advice to offer as I'm in a similar situation but I think just the fact that you are trying to be better than you're mother makes you better than her.

If it helps you can keep talking.

Recognise that you are not your thoughts. You are in a continual process of creating and re-creating yourself and it is within your power to become all that you want to be.

Put your child's wellbeing and welfare above that of your own and parent your child as you would have liked to have been parented.

OP this subject is very close to home for me. I don't have DCs yet, but I am terrified of repeating my parents' mistakes. Actually I just today started tackling the issue of the violence I received with my counsellor. She's NVC (non violent communication) trained and she tells me really hopeful stuff: the brain is "plastic" and it can be re-wired. i.e. you can't erase the damage but you can learn new cognitive paths to cope. I think you should approach a counsellor whether is CBT or a NVC practitioner. It's more direct than 12 yrs of talking whilst lying on a couch. It could maybe offer you some realistic everyday help. And it needed be a long costly process. The first round I did was 4 sessions, we only continued at my request. Also try and make note of situations or thought-patterns which trigger those "slips". I hope you get support and wish you and your DCs all the best.

My own DM had a terribly abusive and unhappy childhood and I realise now that she must have spent a lot of my childhood, like you, worried that she was repeating history. In fact, if she made any mistakes, it was probably because she overcompensated and went too far the other way. Fortunately, she had a lovely aunt who was very maternal so I think she tried to be more like her and less like our grandmother. In turn, that's been my strategy. Take the best parts of DM and DF and add elements I've admired in others. I think accepting that you're not perfect yourself is also important. We're fallible human beings and DCs can deal with that as long as we're honest with them.

I think some counselling would be a good idea for you and I am no counsellor but here are some things I would suggest:
Identify exactly the behaviours of your abusive parent and why they were wrong, write them down if it helps you.
Then ask yourself honestly do you do these things to your own DCs?
Think of some scenarios from when you were small and consider how you could react to them in a way which is healthy.
Make sure you tell your DCs you love them every single day.
Time can be short but spend some time with them 1:1 with them every day doing something fun and/or talking about their day, if they are small it could be while they are in the bath or helping you cook tea etc.
Don't be afraid to talk to them about your day, communication is a two way thing.
If you were physically abused and are concerned that when angered you could repeat this yourself then I would advise against ever physically reprimanding your children yourself, that way you can be clear in your own mind that you have never gone too far. If you find their behaviour difficult and aren't clear on alternative strategies for dealing with this try a parenting course, your HV should have details of some in your area.
From your post it seems to me that you are anxious and I wonder whether this is somehow part of the previous cycle of abuse you suffered as a child?
Again, counselling will help with this.
I'm sure you are a great parent, the abuse is not as deeply ingrained as you fear because you are aware of any potential shortcomings and want to make it right.

Sorry if this waffled!

Thank you everyone, these are really helpful. I have been having counselling about my childhood and have spent quite a long time working on this - which is why I say I watch myself (like an "internal policeman" - that's exactly how it feels). The problem for me is that I find it exhausting and guilt-inducing because I am constantly judging myself for slipping up.

I also find the self-monitoring doesn't always work. I wish I could say that when I slip up it's without realising it, but the worst part of it is that sometimes I know i'm going to do something (like snapping at my DS) before I do it, but I just can't make myself stop. I am just too similar to my mother and it disgusts me.

Perhaps I should look into CBT-type therapy as I do think I need to retrain my brain. Or I had wondered about parenting classes/coaching. Has anyone tried this and found it helpful?

Try reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk' I can't remember who it's by now but you'll find it on Amazon easy enough.

There's a story in there at the end about a woman who used the book and realised that her own upbringing had made her dreadfully negative about herself so she was constantly critical and negative about her parenting efforts.

She, like you, was a perfectly good parent and was not repeating the cycle of abuse.

Be a bit kind to yourself also, every parent slips up from their ideal sometimes - it doesn't mean you're a bad parent.

She started using the book to 'parent' herself. If your child was feeling as guilty and as dismissive of their efforts as you sound you'd be trying to reassure and encourage them - so try to be positive about where you are doing well. I bet there are hundreds of examples each day :)

I think you have to realise that you have a choice. It's easy to blame our shortcomings on the way we were raised ourselves. It is not inherited behaviour but learned behaviour so you can choose how you want your life to be.

I was brought up in an abusive and violent home and I have made a concious decision that my own home will never have that fear and stress in it.

"I am a grown up and I will not let my past shape my future" has been the way I have lived my life since I was 17 years old.

Thank you- I have read 'How To Talk' and found it very helpful, although my child is only a baby at the moment so I can't put most of it into practice yet. It actually made me cry though, as I saw how very far it was from my own upbringing.

nokidshere that's exactly what I want to do, but I find it so hard in practice. I guess if bad habits and ingrained behaviour were easy to break then they wouldn't BE habits, IYSWIM. I find it especially hard when I'm tired or stressed. Do you have any tips on how you've managed it with your DC?

Are you angry and snappy with other people you come into contact with?

Jacques, feel for you and was also going to ask NOKids for some tips! Though from your name, are you a parent? Must admit all my carefully thought out plans "never to be like my mother" were on shreds as soon as dc were born. I'm not just like her, but provably as bad but in different ways as per the infamous Larkin poem

I think part of the battle is being as self aware as you are - just make sure you don't over analyse yourself too much as you may pick yourself apart too much. Everyone can be snappy and short tempered and unless you are being abusive you will not damage your children. My main problem is a lack of patience and although I do keep this in check 99% of the time I still find myself being impatient or snappy with DD at times. However, I tell her and show her I love her every day and try not to beat myself up about my flaws as I know I am generally a good mum as I'm sure you are (if you weren't you wouldn't be on here worrying :)). Noone is perfect and you are not your mother. I'm sure people who have had a good childhood can snap at their children when they're tired and stressed and as long as your children feel loved and cared for you are doing great :) People can't be happy all the time and I think it's important children learn this as well or they with not be prepared for life and the many positive and negative emotions they'll have to deal with. As long as happy and fun outweigh snappy and sad then you may be being too hard on yourself.

As Kelly says its about self awareness and also recognising normal "tired & stressy" behaviour. We all get grumpy and we all yell at our children at times - those things do not make you into your parent.

Forget all the stuff thats gone before, both with yourself and your parents, and start from now. Be the parent you want to be and dont make excuses for off days. Children need to know that they can be yelled at and still loved, the same as they need to know that sometimes parents are stressed and tired but can still be there for them.

Above all take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. If you feel you have been unfair on your child then say so "mummy is sorry I snapped at you but I am feeling tired and grumpy at the moment". Feeling "doomed and guilty" will just reinforce your feelings of worthlessness and guilt.

And if you think counselling would help then get some. Personally I don't feel that going over and over problems is the best way to sort them out, sometimes just leaving them all behind is more productive.

Good luck x

I come from a long line of intelligent women who were made to feel worthless as they weren't men. This involved lack of support, criticism and abuse. I can really empathise with how you are feeling.

However, you need to remind yourself that you are NOT your mother and you have a self awareness of how not to act that she didn't. With that self awareness, you will be able to avoid the things you were put through.

Everyone at some point will be grumpy to their children as they are tired or stressed. So long as you don't make a pattern of it and they get lots of love from you, then you don't need to beat yourself up about it.

Cogito, yes sometimes I am snappy with DH and say things I regret. I am working on it, and have had counselling, but sometimes I really just don't succeed. I grew up in a constant war zone with awful verbal battles every day (and quite often, physical ones too), and sometimes, when I'm feeling under pressure, it just comes out. I've become a lot better at apologising afterwards if I do snap, but that isn't much use to a baby.

Nokidshere - oh yes, I just realised from your name that you probably don't have DC! That's a shame as I was going to ask you for some practical tips!

I think I do over-analyse what I do, and that doesn't help. It's hard to find a balance between being watchful and constantly criticising my own behaviour. Thank you, those of you who have suggested I am probably being a good(-enough) mother. I know that in some ways I am good with my son, but that doesn't always reassure me, because my own mother was great with little children when she wanted to be. It was just that she said and did the most awful things as well.

A good-enough mother is exactly what we should all aim for. Perfect mothers have such annoying children . And their children are faced with having even more impossible standards to live up to.

Though on serious note, learning how to deal with things going wrong and negative emotions is important too. Including you modeling to them by showing how to apologise and calm down if you're upset. So even that does help your children.

Jacques I have two boys (nokidshere is because I hate the term "kids" for children lol)

I have only just seen this and have to go out now but will be back in a little while and will try to respond properly then :)

My mum responded to the EA/PA from her own mum by deciding to do the exact opposite of what her mum would have done in any given parenting situation. I think she probably went a bit far in the other direction, as I never saw her exchange a cross word with my dad and she never raised her voice to us (although she does a devastating 'disappointed').

As a result, I grew up very self-confident, but completely unable to handle conflict and a complete walkover for anyone manipulative (I'm still a bit of a mug, despite being more aware of it now). I also beat myself up whenever I get a bit snappy with DS. So, the point of this little anecdote is to support what iburntthecakes said, that good-enough parenting is probably a lot healthier than perfect parenting.

I agree that self-awareness and good intent are the most important factors. My DH is 3rd generation (at least) of his family to experience EA. His DF tried hard to do things differently but lapsed into EA behaviours when very stressed. DH did this with me for the first few years (and I let him), but when I pointed out to him that some of his behaviours made me feel frightened of him, he was appalled and has really worked hard to become more self-aware. He's actually better with DS in this way than I am (possibly because he's not here as much).

You already have the good intention and the self-awareness, so even if you have a few slip-ups along the way, your DCs will have a bright future!

Good enough is definitely the thing to aim for. This is only my personal preference, but I also prefer to be authentic with my children (i.e. not aim to be perfect all the time and always modify what I say or do) but reflect on stuff as well. So, if I lose my temper occasionally or am letting work stress get to me, to let them know that and talk about it in a genuine way. I have a lot of family who have done therapy/go on courses and I find the way they talk and act quite tiring because it is all filtered through the acceptable channels and I find it hard to know what they are really feeling (obviously this is all supposing there is no abuse or really bad parenting going on).

I also think lots of affection and hugs and listening counts for a lot, rather than saying the perfect responses or always praising in the 'correct way'. Especially listening, which I am quite bad at and have to be reminded to do.

Don't worry too much though, even parents who haven't had difficult backgrounds find parenting difficult and lose their temper or say something unhelpful or have conflicts. It's about keeping loving intentions through everything, for your children to feel genuinely loved, appreciated and special is what you are aiming for, not to be perfect or never raise your voice.

I think its just about being honest really.

I treat my children with kindness and, most of the time, they repay that in their good behaviour. I try not to yell at them, and take a deep breath before any telling off. When we are all calm I explain to them why things escalated in the way that they did - but of course thats much easier now they are older.

Expectations of them and of yourself have to be realistic. None of us are perfect, and to strive for some idealistic view of the perfect parenting will always result in feelings of failure for both you and them. Be realistic about the things you can change and the things that you cant.

Children need to learn how to balance conflict and how to deal with feelings. Being brought up in surroundings where there are none is no better for them than being brought up in a home where conflict is rife. Its about striking a balance where everyone can feel safe about saying or showing how they feel and given tools to resolve the issues. It will not harm your child to know that adults too have days when they are tired and grumpy unless you then don't redress the balance .

I tell my boys if I have been unfair. They can sometimes do the same thing two days running and get different reactions from me depending on the situation or how I am feeling at the time. Its important to recognise that they are not responsible for your feelings. For instance I will say "mummy is really happy/sad that you did that" but will never say "you made mummy happy/sad by doing that.

Its tough to leave the feelings you have left over from childhood behind. It wont be easy for you to change. But you have to - for their benefit. If they see you having great feelings of guit and anxiety over your parenting skills they will follow your model. Being a good enough parent is all we can ask of ourselves really.

Above all though you have to stop comparing yourself to your parent. You are not them and only you have the power to make sure that you do not treat your children in the same way. This doesn't mean striving for perfectioin, it just means that you need to be able to relax and enjoy your children and for them to enjoy their childhood.

My boys have grown into lovely, kind, smart young men and I take every bit of credit for that. I have worked very hard to ensure that my horrible past does not shape my future or that of my children.

You are strong, and you can be happy. Let the past go and concnetrate on your own family now.

' I also find the self-monitoring doesn't always work. I wish I could say that when I slip up it's without realising it, but the worst part of it is that sometimes I know i'm going to do something (like snapping at my DS) before I do it, but I just can't make myself stop. I am just too similar to my mother and it disgusts me.'

Op this resonated with me, a LOT. I often catch myself talking to my DD in a horrible way and I just can't force myself to stop, in fact sometimes the guilt of what I am doing makes me even more vile. I struggle with it every day. I have a DS too and I have never done it with him and I have no idea why my DD is the scapegoat for my negativity like this. I desperately want to change it so I don't fuck her up the way my parents did me but I don't know how. sometimes it is much better than others and I feel we have abnormal healthy relationship, and then a day will come when she winds me up and I seem to get at her a lot. I try very hard to do as much as I can positively for her to tell her how I love her and how valid and important she and her views are, but I know my actions undermine these words on the days I feel angry towards her.

I have no idea how to help you, but I think i know a little of how you feel and I wanted you to know you are not alone.

You cannot blame your mother for the way you treat your child. She is your child, you are not your Mother. You are making excuses for your behaviour rather than finding ways of dealing with it. You are now a grown up and you have to take responsibility for your own actions.

Are you sure that you are being unneccessarily hard on your daughter? or does it just feel that way because she has a different temperment to your son and knows how to push your buttons? All parents snap at their children at times. It is not abusive or unreasonable behaviour. If you don't do it to your son then you can stop doing it to your daughter. My emotional, stressy younger son is much more able to get me riled than my very laid back older son and sometimes it seems like I am giving him a harder time - but thats just because they are like chalk and cheese and one is much harder to deal with than the other.

I'm sorry I really don't mean to sound harsh but only you can change you.

Lord OP I know what you mean it is hard. Especially when their behaviour is constant and you can't catch five minutes to reconnect with your thinking brain.

I often find myself repeating stock phrases in my head such as 'LO is a child, their behaviour is not malicious' or 'I am older and I should and do know better.'

It does take time, but you will get there. In the meanwhile, I'm off to read that book.