How to avoid repeating abusive childhood

[JacqueslePeacock]

I am terrified of turning into my mother in my interactions with my children. I don't want to be an emotionally and physically abusive mother who leaves her children needing therapy and/or unable to function as independent adult humans. I am constantly watching my own actions like some kind of internal policeman, which is exhausting and difficult, but somehow it doesn't always work. Sometimes I slip and do things I regret doing, such as taking my stress out on my son, just like my mother did on her children. Then I feel doomed and guilty (and more stressed). The problem is I don't know how to prevent myself from doing this at times. The way I was brought up seems to be so deeply ingrained. I would really like to hear from others who have overcome their own abusive upbringings to be a decent mother to their children - and to hear how you did it. How do you avoid making the mistakes of your own parents? Any advice would be wonderful.

I don't have much advice but I have used CBT to change very negative behaviour that was kind of a habit. I found the fact I had to stop and challenge my negative patterns very helpful. I also had counselling which I personally hated, I didn't want to talk about things I just wanted to know what I could do to fix them. I think from your posts you sound like you are already doing a form of CBT so maybe getting a bit more help with that would be good?

Nokids. Absolutely agree with you. The way I treat my DD is my responsibility and only mine, that's why I try to control myself at all times, and why I admit to her when I have crossed the line between acceptable chastisement and meanness. I know I am too hard because DH has mentioned it, it is a definite tendency of mine to be annoyed about everything a person does once they have pushed me past a certain point. if I am tired or stressed I can be easily annoyed anyway and am not yet good enough at curbing that. It's a constant work in progress, I just worry I wont get to the right stage before the damage has been done.

I love my DD, absolutely adore her, and once she is in bed asleep I sit and feel shitty if I have told her off too much or hurt her feelings because of my being short tempered. There are times though when I feel I dislike her. Partially perhaps because she is so like me as a child and I had a shitty time at school and was hugely disliked. I worry that it will be the same for her and try to squash that part of her if I look at it objectively. It is the first time i have admitted it. i know it is utterly awful and that it makes me a shitty person and I try so, so hard NOT to let it show, NOT to snap at her when it's me who is in the wrong. But sometimes I don't manage that. it's pretty hard to look at yourself and realise you are not a very nice person, but as bad as I sound and probably am as a mum AT TIMES (because I think I am also a good mum in many ways) I am working hard to be responsible for my actions and to change them!

Anyway, I don't want to hijack the ops thread! but op, I do think being aware of the problem and WANTING to change are the first steps towards being a better person and parent, and you know where you make mistakes so you can change, even if it's a gradual process.

I'm watching this thread with interest. Having my own children has made me re-evaluate my mother's parenting skills. I respect and admire her more yet I am also recognising her bad parenting and I am going though some sort of process of trying to deal the fallout - low self esteem, various issues etc.

I am also terrified of making the same mistakes so consciously try and do the opposite of what she would have done.

her and try to squash that part of her if I look at it objectively. It is the first time i have admitted it. i know it is utterly awful and that it makes me a shitty person and I try so, so hard NOT to let it show, NOT to snap at her when it's me who is in the wrong. But sometimes I don't manage that. it's pretty hard to look at yourself and realise you are not a very nice person, but as bad as I sound and probably am as a mum AT TIMES (because I think I am also a good mum in many ways) I am working hard to be responsible for my actions and to change them!

You don't sound bad or shitty at all. You sound like a caring mum who knows she has faults and is doing her best to rectify them to the benefit of the whole family. Sounds like the first step is to stop being so hard on yourself and accept that being flawed doesn't make you a bad person.

Thank you nokids. What a nice thing to say.