Help me find a sense of perspective on this - IL related

[sleepychunky]

I started a thread in AIBU on Thursday last week - can't link to it as I hid it eventually and can't find it now, but should be easy to find on a search as I don't post that much.
Basically I was told in no uncertain terms that IWBU about FIL turning up early to collect DS1 for a sleepover when I wasn't ready and asking him to wait 5 minutes. Fair enough, I apologised to him within the hour but didn't get any acknowledgment of my apology (which was by text).
ILs live a minute's drive from our house and DS1 has a sleepover there every Friday night, and occasionally he has extra ones in school holidays. ILs also help out with childcare for DS1 after school when DH and I are both working. We normally see them, if not every day, then 5 or 6 times a week.
On Friday DH spent most of the day helping FIL move pots in their garden as they were having their garden wall taken down and rebuilt on Tuesday. I went down with both DSs but left after a little while as there wasn't anywhere the boys could really play (they normally play in the garden, which was out of bounds because of the work) and I couldn't be of any help. Whilst I was there I didn't speak to FIL as he was in the garden busy with DH.
We didn't see them again until Monday, when we popped round in the afternoon after DH got up (shift work and he had been on nights so sleeping until 2pm) as the DSs were asking to see nanny and grandad. I was blanked by FIL and felt very uncomfortable, so said to DH (who was in the garden with MIL) that I thought we should go home as FIL was being nasty to the DSs (who are only 5 and 2). DH agreed with me, and when we got home said to me that if I wasn't welcome in ILs house, then none of us would go round.
Yesterday MIL popped in to our house in the early afternoon and stayed for 10 minutes. She said to DH that we shouldn't feel that we couldn't go round to their house. Later in the afternoon DH went round with the boys whilst I went briefly to the shops, but as soon as I turned up he came out of the house with DSs and said we were leaving (I didn't get through the front door).
MIL had told him about a couple of incidents which FIL appears to be dwelling on, relating to things I have done. The first of these was over a year ago when I went into the drawer where FIL keeps little sweets for the DSs to get something for DS2 and I got an absolute bollocking for doing that without him being in the room. I apologised at the time but apparently this incident has led to FIL feeling "not safe in his own home". The other relates to me going into their kitchen/diner when everybody else is in the lounge so that I can check my phone for emails (there is no reception in their lounge and very little in their kitchen, and I work shorter hours than others on the understanding that I will be available to read and answer emails for an hour or two after I leave the office).
If you're still with me, well done. This has taken me ages to type and, looking back, seems very trivial. BUT, it means a lot to me. DS1 is due to have a sleepover there on Friday (as he always does), and ILs were going to look after DS1 on Monday when both DH and I are working as school doesn't start until Wednesday.
I don't know whether to pretend nothing has happened and carry on as normal, try and confront FIL to ask him if he wants to discuss anything, or just stop going round there completely, which causes massive logistical problems once school starts again. I don't want to feel as though I am unwelcome in their house (and I love my MIL to bits - she is an absolute angel and I would hate it if I couldn't see her). I am quite prepared to be as I always am at their house but it just doesn't feel right. It may sound like a nothing issue to some people, but it's a real problem for me.
I have of course talked to DH, but the problem is that he is not one for discussing problems (a trait which all the men in his family have in common) and their response to an issue is either to sulk and not speak to anyone, or just to ignore it completely. His suggestion is to still go round but just not to speak to FIL, but that seems wrong to me as I will probably then get a reputation within the extended family (they are all very insular and live within 15 minutes' drive of each other) for being rude.

IF any of this makes any sense to you, and you have any ideas about what I can do to make things better, please tell me. Since Thursday it's been more or less the only thing I can think about, and it's really upsetting me that somebody I have known for 15 years is now not speaking to me over the smallest little thing when I have apologised, and it's causing repercussions amongst the extended family.

Sleepy - is there any way you can make your op a little shorter?

Honestly?

I think swallow your pride and apologise again (not that I think you should have to)

Yes, he is being stubborn and sulky. But, if the rest of your relationship is good then buy him a little present, call round alone and tell him how much a close relationship with your in laws and for your dc's, their grandparents, means to you. Give him a hug and hopefully it'll break the ice.

Sorry, don't know the history and if there are other issues then ignore, but think you may need to be the bigger person here for the sake of your family.

I think you should speak to FIL directly and apologise (yes again) for any offence caused and could the slate be wiped clean as the atmosphere is unpleasant for everyone and will upset the boys eventually. At least then you know you've done everything you can to try and resolve this situation.

He may will deny it all but at least you've broached it.

X posts with Tallulah, yes yes to everything she says!

FIL sounds a bit... Controlling. Apologising for doing nothing wrong might play into his hands.
Ignoring you is much ruder than anything you've 'done' to him. Is he rude in general?

I would ignore it until after the children are back at school, and then open the can of worms.

You have apologised, but really was there anything to actually apologise for?
Why can't you open a drawer in their home? I would want to talk this through as the relationship sounds overall to be too good to falter at such small matters.

I cannot abide sulking or refusing to talk about something, it would drive me bonkers.

minty sorry I know it's really long. I just wanted to try and put everything down straight away rather than drip feeding.
Basically FIL is sulking after an incident on Thursday (for which I apologised straight away). The atmosphere in their house is very uncomfortable for me, and because of that DH is also feeling uncomfortable there, and it could potentially cause big problems for us wrt childcare as ILs do a lot of after school stuff with DS1.
I want to make everything fine for everyone but don't know whether to go on as if everything is OK, or try and broach the subject with him (although I know that I will burst into tears if I try). He is a pretty difficult person to get on with if he's in a sulk (which actually does happen quite a lot, although never before with me) as he just doesn't speak to the person in question, even if it's his own wife, and it has been known to continue for weeks.

squishy that's the thing, I don't actually feel as though I need to apologise. I have spent most of my life apologising for things which aren't my fault, just to keep the peace, and I really don't feel it's appropriate in this case, as I have already apologised and been blancked. BUT, I love my MIL to bits, I don't want DH to be upset by everything plus if I feel as though I can't take the DSs round there then I am completely screwed for childcare once school starts again next week.

Great minds random

I think if you apologise again, with your MIL there too, I expect she will be desperate for things to return to normal.

( and count your blessings you don't live with him!)

Thanks - I am so glad I don't live with him. I really don't understand how MIL has put up with him for over 40 years, but that's another issue.
I am going to bed in a minute but will see how things go on Friday - DS1 will be expecting a sleepover as normal so I will ask MIL if that's still OK and see what happens. I just want everything to be like it was this time last week.

Okay, since he does this on a regular basis with other people, this is his problem. Not yours. So every time you feel upset about it, remind yourself "his issues, his problems, not my fault."

If I were you I would talk to MIL with him not around about childcare issues. Make it clear that fIL causing an atmosphere is bad for tour DC, and that if he's unhappy with you he can feel free to discuss it, politely, as issues occur. If he can be reasoned with then she will do it.

OP I read your AIBU thread and thought you weren't - at most a caring GP might have rolled their eyes but sulking? Ridiculous. I think it would be good for you to start making plans for future childcare, so next time it blows up you could walk away. Could you perhaps patronise him a bit, treat him like the surly child he is? So you could apologise but making it clear he's the one who's the idiot. It does concern me a bit that your ds1 goes every week for the sleepover. Do they spend any quality time with your other child?

When you say he was being nasty to your DSs to the xtent you and your DH wanted to leave, what was he doing? That made alarm bells ring for me. I wouldn't want anyone doing childcare for my children if I'd witnessed them being nasty to them, especially being so little.
I would be thinking seriously about childcare and how you can change that, so that you're not so reliant on someone who obviously concerns you in lots of ways. that way you'd be more in control of everything, and could still organise visits with your MIL etc.

Why do you find it necessary to spend so much time with your in laws?I can understand the childcare issue but,don't you have other people to spend time with.Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the whole situation sounds very claustrophobic.

iggi no, not really. They sometimes look after him for an hour when DH or I take DS1 for his swimming lesson or to a birthday party but they never have him on his own for any real length of time like they do with DS1.

magic he was just being really short with the boys - they were doing their normal thing where they were just talking to him, telling him random things and being a bit cheeky trying to wangle some sweets from him, and he was very short with them, didn't respond to any of their requests for anything and then started having a go at them for little things that normally he couldn't give a monkey's about. He didn't hit them or shout at them or anything like that, but he was talking to them in a way a GP would never normally talk to their grandchildren.

maras2 I don't find it necessary - we sort of fell into the habit of seeing them quite a lot once DH moved from Mon-Fri work to shift work. When he is at home during the week with the DSs he goes round there nearly every day for a little while, and so the DSs have got used to being there and really like it. When it's just me at home with the DSs (if DH is working day shifts at a weekend) then I have plenty of other things to do and people to see. But because DH does shift work and they are so close, I sometimes need their help with childcare (if one DS is invited to a party and I have to stay with them then they will look after the other one).

I think you were wrong to apologise for the sleepover thing by text. I know that my dad wouldn't see that as an apology. Think you need to find alternative childcare, apologise to FIL one more time then gradually disentangle your life from them - not completely just don't be so close to them

I think you need to apologise face to face to ensure the complete onus is on him that he is the one sulking and being completely and utterly unreasonable, I would see it as an olive branch for the sake of your MIL and DH.

I do agree though that the best way forward is to find alternate childcare so any sulking is his loss entirely.

Hope it goes well, and yes be very grateful you don't have to live with him your MIL deserves better!

I think that your FIL is wrong to sulk.

But I also don´t see why you couldn´t pop into the garden to say hello.

I wouldn´t let oldest stay over anymore tbh.

Tough for MIL, but if you don´t like how FIL is when one of you is also there, I just wouldn´t leave him there.

If you are so close, surely MIL can come to you as often as you/she wants & leave miseryguts out of it.

He possibly has a point about you getting something out of the drawer & checking the emails.

Fil sounds like a spoilt child. Can you use other child care? It sounds like fil thinks he can behave as he likes as you depend on them for child care so much.

I would talk to MIL.
I don't think text apologies are much cop unless followed up a face to face one.
If FIL is going to continue blanking and sulking with you then you find alternative childcare.

I think you should try to work out new childcare arrangements for the future, so that you're not beholden to them anymore. Still let them babysit etc on occasion, but not have it so that it puts you in a spot if you offend him again, he sounds difficult and easily offended.

I'd go with apologising again face-to-face as a text just won't do.

I wouldn't particularly like people rooting round my drawers or bogging off to read emails in another room, tbh, it's a bit rude and I think the older generation are even more likely to find it so. I know it was just the sweetie drawer, but it was his thing to do for the gc, and he probably felt taken for granted.

Making him wait in the car was seriously rude though. If my child did that to me when I was babysitting for them, I would have been absolutely livid.

And a text isn't really an apology to that generation.

So if he doesn't speak to you then you say it's him being mean to your children? But if you dot speak to him (in the garden) its normal

I do think it's rude I go and get sweets while at someone else's house from their drawer and I think it was rude to make him wait outside when he was only 5 mins early.

And saying non of you would go back when your children are so obviously close to them is punishing no one but your children.

I think you need to suck it up

Ok. I was on your last thread. I thought YWBU, but that your FIL was out of order sulking.
This would be my approach with him.
I would go to him again and apologise to his face for the incident on Thurs. I would also apologise for the drawer thing, as although he is overreacting I do think it's rude to go through drawers in other peoples houses. I would not apologise about checking e mails but I would explain why you do it and will most probably need to continue doing it. Then I would say that you are sorry he is upset, but you hope this as cleared the air. You have apologised and that is all you can do. Then leave it at that, do not apologise again.
If he continues to sulk with you, then do not go over. If he is not treating DSs well then I would not let them be around him. So no sleepovers. Re childcare, can MIL come to yours? If not then arrange alternative because no way I would have someone mind my kids who wasn't speaking to me. Make it clear to everyone why you are doing these things. To DH, MIL and FIL. I won't go where I am not welcome, I won't have kids treated that way. You call us bluff. He s free to sulk as much as he likes but you and the kids wot be there to see it.
You also should ask yourself what sort of lessons FILs behaviour is teaching you kids about hw adults deal with each other? Especially if he is around them a lot.

Oh and don't kid yourself that you have Apologised. A text is NOT an apology a grown up makes