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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

his new gf is expecting a baby

48 replies

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 17:10

Feeling really shocked. 18 months ago I called the police during an assault by my then fiance. He never forgave me (he had no history of dv and was drunk) as basically he said I exaggerated everything and it was just a bit of hair pulling. Following his release with a caution I found out I was pregnant and said I would only consider getting back together if he had anger management. He decided to move another woman in within weeks and told me to get rid of the baby. He has refused to let his two older children who he sees every other weekend to come and visit their sister.

I live across the road and went through the entire pregnancy and birth alone. He has never crossed the road to see his daughter and ignores us in the street. I get £100 per month by direct debit not to go to the CSA.

His new gf came to see me two months ago as he had hit her and wanted to know what happened to me. She chose to stay with him as she loves him more than I did apparently

Anyway on top of working full time with a small baby I am now going to have to endure the pantomime of him being the doting father and rubbing my nose and dignity in it even further. I cannot afford to sell or move. His child will be paraded around with all the latest clothes and everything my dd has is second hand. We never have a holiday and I have had to sell the car.....did I make a huge mistake in leaving him? Sometimes it feels like it. Life feels so unfair and such a struggle. I go over the assault in my head and think did I over exagerrate it all...was I melodramatic?? Did I throw away the chance of a happy family ?? Then I look at his subsequent treatment of us and realise he is manipulative, controlling and abusive...any thoughts..

OP posts:

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 29/08/2012 17:14

Well he's assaulted his last two partners, you're well rid of him, well done.

SorryMyLollipop · 29/08/2012 17:15

No you definitely did NOT make a mistake in leaving him!!! Look how he has treated his new gf, he hit her, he is violent and abusive.

You were not melodramatic and you did not exaggerate.

You did exactly the right thing, He assaulted you, you called the police and then you had the strength and courage to leave him.

I know life is hard raising your dd alone, especially with his outrageous and unfair behaviour towards you and her but you are much much much better off without him.

You are safe, your dd is safe. well done you!!!

MsIngaFewmarbles · 29/08/2012 17:18

You got rid of an abusive man, well done to you, you are in a much better position that this poor woman. Could you move? I just wonder if he will push your nose in it making life uncomfortable for everyone.

lazarusb · 29/08/2012 17:33

Why have you not gone through the CSA - is there a chance you would be awarded more money that way? £100 a month is not a lot...however, breaking off your relationship was the best thing you could have done - congratulations! If having new clothes is the price his gf is willing to pay in exchange for dv that is very sad - he won't stop.

TheCraicDealer · 29/08/2012 17:51

Agree with Lazarus- material stuff doesn't matter when you're unhappy or living in fear of when he's going to snap again. You're well out of it, OP.

Idratherberiding · 29/08/2012 18:09

I don't mean to sound too fluffy - but your daughter has a mother who loves her. She will grow up in a peaceful, happy house without the constant threat of violence hanging in the air. She doesn't need designer clothes, but she does need a happy home. You did the right thing getting out when you did. You saved her from a miserable, violent life. Don't forget that.

lazarusb · 29/08/2012 18:34

FWIW - I left my ex when ds1 was 5 and have NEVER looked back. even through times when I struggled financially I LOVED the fact that I was no longer walking on eggshells and waiting for the next episode. Believe me, you did the right thing, the strong thing. Embrace that.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 19:35

Thanks for all the supportive replies...sorry about time lapse (had to bath baby and put her to bed).

what were you are right it is so easy for some men to minimise DV. In black and white there is no excuse

sorry my I know deep down somewhere I did the right thing and thankyou for using the words strength and courage..it all helps!

Ms Inga he will very definitely rub my nose in playing the doting dad. I am trying to come up with a six month plan to move.

laza As my ex is self employed I suppose I feel it would be very complicated to get anywhere with the CSA as it would all be based on his flaky accounts. Well done you for escaping the nightmare of walking on eggshells. In hindsight I realise that my ex's older 2 kids were quiet, timid and cowed for exactly this reason.

the craic and i'd rather money shouldn't matter. I try and hold my head high. Some days I just feel so desperately sad that my dd has such a nightmare dad.

i think I posted as I have been putting up with living here and now with the realisation of the patter of more tiny feet I have to move. It's such a mess their nurseries are opposite each other!!!!

OP posts:

ladyWordy · 29/08/2012 19:51

It won't be long before the new GF is utterly miserable (sadly) ...and I think the chances are high he'll cut her off too and go after the next female.

Babies are hard work. It'll bore him stiff, because abusers are selfish. However he acts in public, he'll probably leave her to do everything, tell her she's no good at it, and then complain he's not getting attention himself. (Which is probably what he did with the mother of his older children.) Lucky ladies.. :(

I know it hurts in the short term, and understand how deeply unfair life feels. But it's unlikely to last, so try to grit your teeth and paint a nice smug smile on your face every time you go out. You are the winner here. Watch and see.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 29/08/2012 20:03

You're bringing your daughter up in a household where she won't be forced to see or hear her mother screaming as her father beats the shit out of her. That's worth far more than holidays and new designer clothes.

Yes this other kid might have materially more than yours but pity the child for the life he/she is going to have. No amount of nice things can make up for a horrible home life with an abusive dad.

You absolutely did the right thing in leaving, never doubt that. You are a brilliant example to your daughter.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 20:35

lady sadly I think you are right. i know this deep down. I know that going to scans alone, being induced alone, breastfeeding at 3 am alone in the house knowing that they were asleep together a few 100 yards away will all make sense in the future. Once dd is in bed I can choose what to do with my few free hours. I have my freedom. I saw him recently and he looked strained and haunted...a sign of things to come perhaps!!

smellslike it's only when you are out of a situation that you realise the strain you were under. there was a lot of emotional abuse which i didn't appreciate at the time!! I hope my dd can see in the future I did the right thing. Part of me feels that she will blame me forever for not having a dad!!

OP posts:

GhostShip · 29/08/2012 20:38

Well done for getting rid of him you absolute star. You did the right thing don't doubt yourself for a second. I wish I'd have been as strong as you when I was with an abusive man!

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2012 20:40

Holidays, new clothes, a scumbag abusive father in the house with her. Your DD could have that.

Or, she could have a life free from seeing her mother being hit. A life free from fear and eggshells and tiptoeing around and blaming herself and lying to friends and SWs and teachers to protect her father. I know which I would choose. You did the right thing.

AllPastYears · 29/08/2012 20:49

You're well out of it! Did you throw away the chance of a happy family? Not with him!

Hope this helps .

ToddlersRFab · 29/08/2012 20:56

Well done for being strong and going alone. The grass always looks greener on the other side, however you have made the right choice. You and your DC will have love, happiness and each other....everything else can be replaced. Your daughter will not remember having a hand me down, but she will remember having the best mum in the world.

Keep going and stay strong.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 20:57

ghost it's been very hard! I can totally understand why women stay...even his new GF. I find his timing for knocking us about interesting (both early pregnancy) I am realising that abusive men are often charismatic and charming and exciting to be around ('most' of the time)

MrsTerry I know stuff is not what makes a happy childhood. i have always worked hard in the nhs and as a result of choosing a rubbish dad for my dd I have plunged myself and my mum and dad into poverty.

All past this is helping thanks! I just needed to remind myself why I left and think about the future with just me and dd

OP posts:

Margerykemp · 29/08/2012 21:06

You did the right thing.

Rubirosa · 29/08/2012 21:09

However much of a struggle your life is though, the new gf's life will be worse. At least you and your DD aren't living with a violent man.

ballstoit · 29/08/2012 21:12

The future you are giving your DD is worth more than new clothes or toys.

I'm sure your DD will question your decision in the future, what child doesn't question their parent's choices . You can hold your head high knowing that you didn't allow her to grow up believing that it's okay to put up with a bit of hair pulling or the occasional slap (and that's without the increasing levels of violence that were likely).

Is there any chance you could let your house and rent somewhere else, for the sake of your sanity if nothing else?

Original poster

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 21:16

Toddlers thankyou i am going to try very hard to focus on us rather than what is going on across the road. The more I focus on us and how happy I can make our lives the more they will fade. What will make me really happy is moving!!!

Margery thanks it does help to hear this!

I expected some comeback for choosing such a terrible person to have a baby with. However he was only physicallly violet after i became pregnant. the ea was not regular.

Rubi to my knowledge he has only been physically violent twice (once was enough for me). I think the GF has introduced a no alcohol policy as that seems to be a trigger.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 21:19

balls thanks I took the plunge and am looking at rental properties online whilst writing this and watching the paralympics.....multitasking!! All I need is a glassof

OP posts:

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 29/08/2012 23:24

I expected some comeback for choosing such a terrible person to have a baby with.

Oh hell no. Abusers don't start off in a relationship the nasty little twats they turn in to. No, they're the most lovely and charming men and even a little vulnerable and they just need the right woman, they just need you to complete them. Then boom you're pregnant, or you've moved hundreds of miles from your friends and family or any other thing which makes him feel like you're well and truly his, and one argument later and he's punched you in the face.

Also, it's pretty common for physical abuse to start during pregnancy. My ex slapped me for the first time when I was pregnant and it just escalated from then on.

ladyWordy · 30/08/2012 00:35

Teenstrop... Oh, you're so right. These types contrive to look better than the average guy, and this is where the danger lies. Who takes a shrewd look at the charming man bowling them over with all that love and attentiveness? You just feel lucky, until one day.....ah.

Drink is a red herring..... It aggravates, but abusers will carry on stone cold sober. There's no solution except what you've done mummymcphee, so while it's a lonely road right now, you definitely did the right thing.

I do hope you can move, somehow!

Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 06:49

Oh he was very very charming and attentive smells like until he still couldn't talk me round a few days after the assault. I was dealing with the shock of finding out I was pregnant and working full time and he took to his bed for a week! When his gf came to see me recently she looked very uncomfortable when I asked her when they got together. It took her over a minute to reply 'a few weeks after you broke up' which would have made me 12 weeks. His version is that they got together when I was 6 months pregnant mmmmm! I think the reality is they 'knew' each other long before. Is it really that easy for a man to meet someone so quickly after they have beaten up their fiance and left her to deal with pregnancy on their own. Why do women stay with men who they observe treating other women sooo badly ? I am not blaming her for his behaviour but she has stood by and watched while he has treated me and the baby with contempt.

lady I know alcohol doesn't cause the terrible behaviour. I know deep down leaving was the only option. The timing and example of this new assault and pregnancy almost feel like he is yelling look look she has stayed with me, she didn't leave, she loves me etc etc. and therefore proving that his behaviour is not as bad as I made out. As her reward she will no doubt have his full help and attention and lots of 'stuff' for the baby...this will not compensate for her having to live with a manipulative control freak.

As you can probably tell I didn't sleep well. My mum is complaining that i am 'strung out'. I need to go and get ready for work and then get dd for the 2 mile hike to nursery. No doubt lord and lady muck will drive past whilst I am pushing her up the very steepest part of the hill en route.

Thanks for the replies and support. It all helps. :-) xx

OP posts:

MolatovBomb · 30/08/2012 08:48

I read this and my heart goes out to you. You absolutely did the right thing and I echo everything that's been said upthread. Rest assured, you and your DD are best off without him. It will all fuck up for Lord and Lady Muck before long because he won't be able to help himself and she's locked down by him.

Stay away.

Hold your head high.

You are amazing xxx

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