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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

his new gf is expecting a baby

48 replies

mummymcphee · 29/08/2012 17:10

Feeling really shocked. 18 months ago I called the police during an assault by my then fiance. He never forgave me (he had no history of dv and was drunk) as basically he said I exaggerated everything and it was just a bit of hair pulling. Following his release with a caution I found out I was pregnant and said I would only consider getting back together if he had anger management. He decided to move another woman in within weeks and told me to get rid of the baby. He has refused to let his two older children who he sees every other weekend to come and visit their sister.

I live across the road and went through the entire pregnancy and birth alone. He has never crossed the road to see his daughter and ignores us in the street. I get £100 per month by direct debit not to go to the CSA.

His new gf came to see me two months ago as he had hit her and wanted to know what happened to me. She chose to stay with him as she loves him more than I did apparently

Anyway on top of working full time with a small baby I am now going to have to endure the pantomime of him being the doting father and rubbing my nose and dignity in it even further. I cannot afford to sell or move. His child will be paraded around with all the latest clothes and everything my dd has is second hand. We never have a holiday and I have had to sell the car.....did I make a huge mistake in leaving him? Sometimes it feels like it. Life feels so unfair and such a struggle. I go over the assault in my head and think did I over exagerrate it all...was I melodramatic?? Did I throw away the chance of a happy family ?? Then I look at his subsequent treatment of us and realise he is manipulative, controlling and abusive...any thoughts..

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MrsJREwing · 30/08/2012 09:01

They sound like my ex and version2wife. She was a princess, I was the wicked witch etc. She looks worn down after enabling him to harm me and kids, their karma is the shudder of realisation of the harm they contributed to by enabling an abusive man. At least you got to hear he didnt change and it wasnt you, it was him.

ladyWordy · 30/08/2012 10:31

I see what you mean m, how absolutely maddening. If he's like others he won't help, just mess about trying to look impressive in public, and doing nothing or hindering the woman in private (= ea, dv and more). But you'll only see the look-impressive part, which will be a total pain.

Wish I knew why women take in men they know to have been violent. One of my friends had an abusive husband, who eventually left....and one of the other friends she'd confided the whole story to took the guy on herself! She told my friend, very sweetly, that she was more experienced and could probably handle him better (ie, a variant of 'he says I'm special and not like anyone else'. ... Oh yeah, snore....).

It didn't last. How my friend could stand to look at this woman after such an action I did not know. She's a better person than I am.

lazarusb · 30/08/2012 10:42

My ex started being violent when I was 5 months pg. I wish I'd ended it then. His wife (now) knows he was violent to me but apparently I deserved it. My ds is 22 now and is very glad I left his dad eventually, however, he and his wife are still subjecting ds to abuse and treating him like an inconvenience or worse.

Mummy - you say your ex's older children are timid and cowed, that is totally down to him I'm sure. You have saved your dd from a life living like that. That is more valuable than anything you can buy! You are to be admired, hold your head high and be grateful the git is out of your everyday life!

dequoisagitil · 30/08/2012 10:42

You did the right thing in getting shot of him.

And you know what, it won't always be like this. You have a future of your own to make, with your dd. Take what opportunities you can make to improve your life as she grows older, whether a move in the long-term, a better job, a course, whatever. Maybe further down the road you'll meet a decent man as well.

You'll look back at this as a lucky - no, not lucky - a wise & brave move of yours and be proud of yourself.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 19:36

Back from work...another long day ...............

molatov thanks for that lord and lady muck did a slow drive past tonight... head on whilst I wheeled dd home. My head was held high but I averted my gaze and examined a nearby garden. I am never sure if he is trying to intimidate me or if he is trying to look at his daughter. Wearing sunglasses helps( forgot them tonight) as I can have a good look at how fed up gf is looking on a scale of 1-10 without giving away where I am looking!

mrs jr karma is a b* ! I must have done something very bad in a previous life :-o Gf is also a princess...she is also a manipulator as she knew she was pregnant when she came to see me and quizzed me at how much he helped me out during pregnancy!

lady you are right leopards do not change their spots. I suppose some women accept DV as the social norm and the price you have to pay for a relationship

dequois Thank ! I need to finnish my MSc the ex stopped me from completion even though I had completed 4 modules. I think he knew getting it would give me opportunities.

I made a long list of occasions apart from the assault where he made my life awful and it helps as have all the messages of support. Thanks xx

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AllPastYears · 30/08/2012 20:13

Also, having children with 3 separate women? Really not much of a dad I think!

lazarusb · 30/08/2012 20:33

FWIW, I wouldn't get involved with any cosy chats with the gf in future either. You are unlikely to be presented in a good light in the event of any fallout.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 20:38

all past I know I know there is potential for three of his kids by 3 different mums to be at the same primary school the school run could be interesting.

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Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 20:42

I know laza she has asked me not to tell her DP she came to speak to me or how did she put it 'not to rat on her'....

It was a mistake to meet her but I thought it might shed light on why he has totally ignored the birth of dd...sadly it didn't

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Shelby2010 · 30/08/2012 21:15

I can see it must be hard for you that he ignores your dd, but I'm sure you'd feel worse if he started wanting access. No way would I want my child spending ANY time in that house even if she did come away with nice clothes & toys. You are doing really well & I bet new gf is looking at you wishing that she had your courage to get away. Hopefully you'll be able to move soon & feel more comfortable.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 30/08/2012 21:31

I did not read the whole thread, but ffs, mummymcphee, what chance of a lovely family did you exactly miss? You did very well to get rid of a right basket case who would have made your life and, most importantly, the life of your daughter, hell. In time, your financial circumstances will probably change for the better, but it is very very unlikely that your ex will suddenly turn into a fluffy kitten.

ladyWordy · 30/08/2012 21:39

Yes I really hope there is some way you can move away, mm.... I mean, slow drive bys? Sounds plain nasty to me. What a piece of work...

Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 21:44

laza I missed your first post regarding your son!It must be really tough for you having to watch how badly they treat him. Well done on leaving. I totally understand how hard it is to do it when pregnant

Shelby you are right I don't want him anywhere near dd now.

Patron ha ha ex is definitely no fluffy kitten more a manky, fleabitten,randy old tom cat

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droves · 30/08/2012 21:44

Look he will probably fuck up this relationship too , because he's an abusive arsehole . It's not a question of if it's a question of when .

Then he will move on to the next victim . And you will be able to live without him in your face .

His new gf is just a bit of a doormat , and not to clued up on abusive men, but like you she will learn what he's really like and eventually get rid of the tosser.

Wouldnt be surprised if in future you end up friends with the girl , bonding over stories of twatty ex and how awful he is .

Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 21:50

lady it is nasty and intimidating. He drives a large macho van with blacked out windows. But then the reason he has not moved house is all supposed to intimidate me as well (if I let him) what a bully ( and we all know bullys are really just big cowards)

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Original poster

mummymcphee · 30/08/2012 22:03

droves we did exchange stories of his awful behaviour!! However she has chosen to live with it rather than going through pregnancy,birth and newborn stage alone. Having got the t shirt I totally understand why she made the decision she did. The support available for single mums is crushingly poor from the antenatal stage onwards. Granted the support she will get from her DP will be practical rather than emotional.

It's no fun trying to put a cot together when you are the size of a small country !!

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arthurfowlersallotment · 31/08/2012 00:27

mummy you are an amazing woman.
You and your child will have many happy years to come.
Not having that prick in your life is a blessing. I am full of admiration for your strength and courage. You will go far.

EvaLongoria · 31/08/2012 08:27

Mummy you an amazing woman. To live right opposite him is probably even harder than other couples who break up.

But yes keep your head up as you done nothing wrong. Your baby will grow up knowing what he is and will realise that what you did was for her benefit.

Re: putting a cot together when pregnant. I bought a second hand cot for DD2. Hubby picked it up the night before. The following day I took Dd1 to nursery and changer as hubby is horrible in DIY.

EvaLongoria · 31/08/2012 08:34

Mummy you an amazing woman. To live right opposite him is probably even harder than other couples who break up.

But yes keep your head up as you done nothing wrong. Your baby will grow up knowing what he is and will realise that what you did was for her benefit.

Re: putting a cot together when pregnant. I bought a second hand cot for DD2. Hubby picked it up the night before. The following day I took Dd1 to nursery and changer as hubby is horrible in DIY.

What happened towards the end was really funny because I put all the sides together with the intention of putting the slacks part up after. Only problem was I was stuck in the cot. Because of the huge bump I felt it was better to be on the inside putting it all together as I did not want to stretch. But then couldn't climb out as couldn't stretch my legs high enough to climb out. I was busy chatting to a friend on what's app in another country and she couldn't stop laughing. The only rush I had is I needed to pick DD1 up in 15 mins. After a little struggle I layed on my back and lifted the cot first over my head then my bump.

If I 100% got stuck and had to phone for help it would have been worse as I was dressed in just knickers and bra. It was end of March and hot at that stage of pregnancy. But DH found it hilarious after.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 31/08/2012 19:15

arthur (great name) I will keep this thread to give me a boost next time I feel a bit low. It helps a lot to know other people think he is an appalling pathetic excuse for a man too! My mum bumped in to him today out with babe and she just said brightly hello*** ! He looked at his daughter and said hello back! yeuuuurgh.

Eva haha I nearly got stuck in cot too but would have had nobody to rescue me!!! Why are they so complex?? Thanks all for the encouragement. Off to watch a film with mum. My dad is babysitting!!!! xxx

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lazarusb · 31/08/2012 20:54

Have a nice evening. Yes, it is hard. Both ds's gf and I would love ds to tell his Dad to get out of his life but he still has a strong sense of loyalty to him I hope your ex knows what he's missing because you sound like an amazing lady!

dequoisagitil · 31/08/2012 20:57

He is a pathetic excuse of a man - slow drive-bys in his blacked out car - what a tosser! He tried to shrink your world and limit you, cos he's an inadequate that needed to drag you down.

Do do do complete your MSc and think 'fuck you' @ him.
Get a job you enjoy and think 'fuck you' @ him.
Give your dd the best start in life you can and think 'fuck you' @ him.
Raise a strong young woman who expects to be treated well in relationships cos that's what she knows, and think 'fuck you' @ him.
Keep thinking 'fuck you' @ him until you don't need to think it anymore .

Original poster

mummymcphee · 31/08/2012 23:52

laza thanks so much we went to see salmon fishing in the yemen! It was quirky and a lovely night out. Although it hurts you and your sons gf to see him treated in such a harsh way he has the moral high ground and dignity by continuing in a relationship with them.

dequoi...I have a job I love so I am lucky from that point of view and my gorgeous dd of course! Msc def needs

I need to get some sleep as I am drifting off xx

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