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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I made a huge mistake taking dp back

45 replies

Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 19:56

Hmmmm this may be long. A bit of background first, DP and I have known each forever we were childhood sweethearts and everybody said they didn't know a nicer more suited couple.
Then last year he moved jobs and began and out of the blue left me. I was devastated and heartbroke he saw the dc a lot and gave me money for them but at times acted vile and cruel to me. 3 months after he went i discovered he had left me for another woman, I was very calm to the outward world and but lost it totally inside I thought about suicide a lot.
However I never stopped him seeing the dc and made plans for them to meet OW.
They never met the ow, dp left her and then begged for another chance my dc were so happy to have normal daddy back I took him back, I know now I took him back way too quickly and this scares me as I think he may think I would forgive him again.
This caused a hell of a lot of trouble fo me I had OW turning up at my house and lots of abusive messages, I have to say I didn't get involved in slanging matches i actually told her I thought he had played both of us but she insisted on blaming me.
Anyway a few months on things calmed down with OW, dp and I did the hystercal bonding thing Hmm. He is very open will tell me anything I want to know and will leave his phone on the side unlocked.
I have a lot of issues I am so so hurt I cry a lot to myself, I think about the hurt he caused everyday and I remember his cruel actions.
I also found out a lot of stuff he said about me which was totaly untrue such as I was abusive and one of my friends said she never thought he would make me out to be a bad mum which broke me. There is a lot more of lies and hurtful things but I would be here all night.
I look at him now and sometimes feel pure hate. Now he is off sick from work with depression and has a serious health problem too, and I know this sounds very, very spiteful but I feel very why me atm.
His family all blocked me out and left me to it despite me having a very close friendship with his mum and sisters. Now they are all sorry and said they fell for his crap too, his mum is also going through a relatonship breakdown and is leaning on me for support yet she left me to cope alone.
I keep thinking about how he didn't care I was throwing up blood and trying to deal with the dc, how I lost three stone in 8 weeks or how my 6 year old grabbed his leg and begged him to stay.
I don't even know what this post will achieve I just need to get it out there. I keep thinking

OP posts:
SuoceraBlues · 28/08/2012 20:02

What it will achieve is you will be heard. Which doesn't seem to be going on at home at the moment.

Sweetheart, maybe (if at all possible) it would be a good idea for you alone to have some councelling. Without him. Just you. Becuase you sound like you are still processing the trauma of what happened while trying to manage the resultant fall out of the shocking spilt, and rebuilding in less than healthy circs.

You may not know what you want right now. But you might know what you don't want. Is there anything in your heart of hearts that you know you can't carry forward with you ?

And a big fat hug.

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:07

Thanks for the hugs. I love him a lot but I miss the old him the one I could trust 100%, the one who would bring me silly gifts and cheer me up. I don't know if I can sit and wait for the axe to fall again.
He said he made a hue mistake the grass wasn't greener and so on but I'm very frightened and I'm sometimes want to pre-empt that awful shocking kick in the guts of finding out your best friend has betrayed you.
I think counselling is a very good idea will look into it, thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:08

Sorry for typos.

OP posts:
homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 20:10

he done a horrid thing to you and you thought you could forgive him thats a big thing to do. i dont think it sounds spiteful at all he also told your frinds and his family and the ow lies about you thats horrible on his half.

he has depression maybe counselling will help both of you.

maybe think about why you thought you could forgive him and why you cant. it sounds like it was a tough time for everyone involved i can also understand why you maybe upset with his mum. maybe talk to her about how you feel about her reaction when your do left you.

SoDesperate · 28/08/2012 20:13

awwwww I couldnt read and not post! I have no advice, your situation is awful. And believe me, mine has been awful at times :( But I am still speechless..... I am sure you will get some very good advice here, all I can suggest is counselling and keep posting.

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:15

Thanks Home. I think I just feel like a performing monkey at times the comments he made when he left were that I sat around a lot or I was slobby and didn't look after myself. So now I feel bad if I have a lazy day or don't bother making myself look nice. He said I'm being silly but I always wonder what he is thinking and I hate it.
WRT his mum she is impossible to talk to she has rewrote history to an extent and I just can't deal with the fallout of another row atm.

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/08/2012 20:16

So basically he went off, dumped about you, came back and dumped on you. I'm not surprised you're struggling to come to terms with things.

Counselling is definitely a good idea. I think you need to let him know how badly you're struggling with the lies he told about you, with his selfishness and his betrayal. You say he will tell you anything - will he tell you how he intends to reassure YOU through this situation? How does he propose to mend the marriage he broke? Yes, he made a huge mistake, blah blah blah, but that's about him. What about you?

I think the attitude of his family is very telling - you certainly shouldn't be supporting his mum. What the hell - you're meant to play happy families with everyone who shat on you during your time of need? Bollocks to that.

Put yourself and your needs first, tell him you need time and space to recover from what he has done. I'm afraid the depression is not a reason why he cannot take responsibility for the relationship.

tribpot · 28/08/2012 20:18

So now I feel bad if I have a lazy day or don't bother making myself look nice

x-posted. On this, and particularly in your current mood, I would say to him: "I will have days when I don't make myself look nice, that is my right. I am telling you now this is the case. If you don't like it, you can go now and we'll call it quits. If you don't go now, do not EVER throw this accusation at me again. The end".

homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 20:23

your entiled not to make an effort and i dont mean to sound to nasty but if he cant handle it its his problem isnt? your not being silly most woamn would feel the same he shouldnt have said it surly je knew you would find out? its sounds horrible you shouldnt have to quess how he is feeling one bit.

i can understnd why you wouldnt beable to talk to his mum. then she shouldnt be bringing her problems to you have enough to deal with as it is.

your more then welcome i hope things work out for you. and a massive hug and maybe a cup of coffe sounds like you could do with it.

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:24

Now I'm crying. I just wanted someone to be kind to me so thankyou lovely mner's.
I just don't know I want him but I don't at the same time and that sounds mad but it is the only way to explain it.
Am going to sort out conselling asap.
Thanks

OP posts:
homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 20:25

i know what you mean. i feel for you i really do. xx

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:26

His mum is here everyday crying and going ver her break up. She told me to accept relationships break up and to man up! She also welcomed OW into the family.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 28/08/2012 20:29

Nothing much to add but another hug. Sad

Do get your counselling sorted. For you. Not for your relationship or for him, just for you. To help you to decide what you want.

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:30

Thankyou Belle.

OP posts:
homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 20:32

i feel really sad for you. couldnt you say to her i have my own things going on at the moment i feel unbale to help you i am very sorry. would that work?

Xales · 28/08/2012 20:34

First off if you have made a big mistake there is nothing to stop you unmaking it.

I think the best thing is for you to get yourself some counselling. Get to the bottom of yourself and how you really feel for yourself.

Stop being there for selfish people who weren't there for you.

Put yourself first until you are straight.

More hugs from me.

MigratingCoconuts · 28/08/2012 20:36

Just read and wanted to post a hug to you too.

I think a 'why me' feeling is perfectly justified. You have been roundly dumped on and now are expected to hold it together.

I think the counselling idea sounds fab. You could go together but also have some for just you, so that your voice can be heard.

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:38

My sisters have told me I'm a mug for being so nice to his mum. Then again most of my family are not coming to the house due to being pissed with dp.

OP posts:
homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 20:42

i will change coffee for wine. could you stay with your family for a few dyas? your not a mug just a very kind caring person. and people seem to take advatage and thas not your fault. xx

MigratingCoconuts · 28/08/2012 20:42

It's not that simple though, is it??

You can't just cut off him and his family for they have meant to you in the past and for who they are to your children?

if it was that simple it wouldn't bloody hurt so much!

Original poster
Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 20:47

I know his sister shit on me from a great height and I haven't really seen her since but I miss her, feel like I'm crazy for missing them.
His mum has said she can't see why I forgave them but I know he told them a lot of lies too.
My family all live very close to me so I can go see them anytime they are just avoiding dp.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 28/08/2012 20:50

I also didn't want not to post. You are so justified in feeling the way you do. Basically you have had to put up with everyone else's bad behaviour and now they think that's all fine and sorted, while you're thinking 'When do I get to have everyone running around after me and trying to make things better for me?'
Another yy to the counselling suggestion. Anything that gets you focusing on yourself is good. Swimming and yoga have worked for me in the past as calm, deep thinking time when I can just get away from everything else.
YY to putting yourself first too. Can you be out when his mother comes round? She sounds really self-centred. Or get your partner to make her back off for a bit, say you're really busy and can't make time for it all. Why should you be the bad guy again?

joblot · 28/08/2012 20:50

Have you told h how you feel? Is he remorseful, does he look after you? I think he needs to be making massive efforts and you need to be honest about how much damage he and his family have caused.

Also re counselling- if you've got the money go private as its ususlly less of a wait; if not see doctor and let them know its pretty urgent or you'll have to wait ages. That's been my experience for what its worth.

Hope you start feeling better soon, I'm really sorry you've been through such an awful time.

homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 20:51

your human and you sound like you have a big heart. maybe you and your sisters could all go out for luch togther that way you still get to see them and there is no tention. you forgave them because your a better person then most.

SuoceraBlues · 28/08/2012 20:54

lot but I miss the old him the one I could trust 100%, the one who would bring me silly gifts and cheer me up.

You're grieving sweetheart. For the man you lost. All while trying to adjust and work out how you feel about the one got in exchange.

It is worth seeing that for what it is to resist any pressure you (or others in your lifes) put on yourself to just snap back into "normal".