Think I made a huge mistake taking dp back

[Agnesinroom25]

Hmmmm this may be long. A bit of background first, DP and I have known each forever we were childhood sweethearts and everybody said they didn't know a nicer more suited couple.
Then last year he moved jobs and began and out of the blue left me. I was devastated and heartbroke he saw the dc a lot and gave me money for them but at times acted vile and cruel to me. 3 months after he went i discovered he had left me for another woman, I was very calm to the outward world and but lost it totally inside I thought about suicide a lot.
However I never stopped him seeing the dc and made plans for them to meet OW.
They never met the ow, dp left her and then begged for another chance my dc were so happy to have normal daddy back I took him back, I know now I took him back way too quickly and this scares me as I think he may think I would forgive him again.
This caused a hell of a lot of trouble fo me I had OW turning up at my house and lots of abusive messages, I have to say I didn't get involved in slanging matches i actually told her I thought he had played both of us but she insisted on blaming me.
Anyway a few months on things calmed down with OW, dp and I did the hystercal bonding thing . He is very open will tell me anything I want to know and will leave his phone on the side unlocked.
I have a lot of issues I am so so hurt I cry a lot to myself, I think about the hurt he caused everyday and I remember his cruel actions.
I also found out a lot of stuff he said about me which was totaly untrue such as I was abusive and one of my friends said she never thought he would make me out to be a bad mum which broke me. There is a lot more of lies and hurtful things but I would be here all night.
I look at him now and sometimes feel pure hate. Now he is off sick from work with depression and has a serious health problem too, and I know this sounds very, very spiteful but I feel very why me atm.
His family all blocked me out and left me to it despite me having a very close friendship with his mum and sisters. Now they are all sorry and said they fell for his crap too, his mum is also going through a relatonship breakdown and is leaning on me for support yet she left me to cope alone.
I keep thinking about how he didn't care I was throwing up blood and trying to deal with the dc, how I lost three stone in 8 weeks or how my 6 year old grabbed his leg and begged him to stay.
I don't even know what this post will achieve I just need to get it out there. I keep thinking

Yes dp knows how I feel. He is uncomfortable talking about it but will tell me anything I want to know, he has also admitted to his family and friends that he told a lot of lies.
I just feel a lot of resentment for everyone involved tbh it was all a bit of a witchhunt at the time and my dc and I were left very isolated and sad.
I don't really blame ow she had no loyalty to me and fell for his BS I am very hurt that she turned up at my home and scared my dc and for the vile abuse she messaged me, such as it was a shame I was my dc mother.
Thanks for all the hugs and advice have been looking at sites for counselling I think it is the best way to deal with things right now.

Telling you anything you want to know is a very passive response, though. He needs to fix this problem - you shouldn't feel you can do so through counselling. It's very worthwhile you doing the counselling to get your feelings clear in your mind and work through things with an impartial third party, but he's just sitting there, being 'uncomfortable' talking about it and letting his mother take the piss.

Agnes, so sorry, this would be hard enough if your dp wasn't depressed!

How long are you prepared to put your life on hold, waiting for him to get better? And then what?

I think he should step up and either deal with his mum himself or keep her away from you while she is being like this. It's one thing he can do and ought to do since it's his family.

to read the stuff you got from the OW. As you said it's kind of to be expected that she won't feel any loyalty to you but still very hurtful. You sound like the only person who thought about your DC in all this and I bet you think they are an amazing mum who is always there for them and does a fantastic job.

Yes that is why I'm so frustrated I want him to take over and not just be sad and say sorry. I don't want to go over and over it for years but it feels very raw right now.

He doesn't deserve you back

If dh did this to me it would be the end, simple as

:( sorry, I don't mean to go all "leave the bastard" on you

It was hard with the dc they were old enough to know what had happened and I tried to protect them but they were very hurt even the LO who is 3 now asks him if he is going to come home when he goes out :(.

His mum does take the piss it is all about her and her feelings and I think some of this has rubbed off on dp, he now doesn't have many friends due to them all being friends with OW and when he shit on her he hurt them too and he feels very sorry for himself. I on the otherhand have reconnected with a lot of friends and he hasn't said but I don't think this sits well with him.

Woodland part of me feels this way but then another part never wants to let him go. I didn't think I could hurt the way I hurt when he went or miss someone on that scale. But I am so scared of feeling that way again.

Look at the stages of grief - the anger, sadness, denial, etc etc. He is probably going through the same as you in regard to both your relationship before OW and about the OW herself. However that may sound, it doesn't help you and you need to really, really put yourself and the kind of future you want for you and the DCs first. So stick with those friends you have become close to in his absence, don't fit round him or his family because if it all goes tits up again then you know you won't get support from them.
Tell his mother to seek counselling for herself. And also say to your DP that he needs to get some proper help for his depression. Perhaps by setting some boundaries firmly and fairly in regard to her both she and your DP will see that you mean business. It may seem that it's a lose/lose situation all ways round for you and possibly the DCs but if now doesn't become the time for DP to not only face things but take an active part in working out what sort of partner or parent he wants to be in the future then your relationship will be limping along and remain painful/unsatisfying and fruitless.

Agnes I know exactly how you are feeling thank you for putting it so well. This is how I feel too

I have a lot of issues I am so so hurt I cry a lot to myself, I think about the
I look at him now and sometimes feel pure hate.
I keep thinking about how he didn't care
I'm very frightened and I'm sometimes want to pre-empt that awful shocking kick in the guts of finding out your best friend has betrayed you.
I always wonder what he is thinking and I hate it.

You put it so well. Did he explain WHY he lied, and WHAT OW did for him?

Sorry you have these feelings too ABWN. :(

He said that he felt as though he was pushed out by me and that I would side with our teenage ds over him. I was sometimes guilty of this but I have never had a teenager before and wasn't prepared for how awful they can be.

He was flattered by OW and his workmates all thought it was "sweet" he said he felt as though the grass was greener and she made him feel like he mattered.

He said he lied because pretty soon he realised that it had all gone too far and out of hand but he didn't know how to back out of it.

Agnes I'm so sorry you are have gone through all of this - no wonder you can't move on or get over the hurt and the pain. My heart bleeds for you, love.

I do hope you find a good counsellor - not all of them are unfortunately...maybe someone on here can give you advice as to finding the right one?.

I saw one counsellor who was rubbish and couldn't remember anything I told her from one week to the next and then an amazing, ballsy woman who picked me off the floor when I was in bits and just seemed to know me and get me from the off.

Thankyou Proud, I hope I find someone who can pick me up too.

I think when you take control you will pick yourself up.

Your husband's behaviour has shattered your marriage and you are in the process of coming to terms with it now. The hollow victory of winning him back has lost it's lustre.

Ask him to move out- to his mother's house which might prove a welcome distraction for her.

Then have your therapy. You will then be in a better position to judge if this is a forgivable situation or something you need to move away from.

I think you already know what you want but misplaced guilt is preventing you.

Wow op I feel for you, your situation sounds awful

No useful advice I'm afraid, but a hug maybe?

What a horrible time you've had. Then he arrives back home with his depression and baggage. Then his mum turns up laying her problems on you - and hearing her problems must be reopening the unhealed wounds of what he did and what you went through.

His mum needs to be told, by him, that you are not feeling strong enough yet to support her through her problems. She needs to look for help elsewhere.

He needs to stop with his pity party, man up, and start to rebuild the marriage that he so carelessly smashed to pieces.

It's really not surprising that you don't feel that things are improving at the moment. Time to do some stuff for yourself - counselling, time with your friends, whatever helps.

What a lovely person you sound,but agree with others it's time to put yourself FIRST.All the demands of a family, all this crap from your MIL ,being concerned for your DH and his depression and at the same time hating him is a burden too heavy to carry alone.
Totally agree with counselling.We went as a couple and to some extent it helped but 2 years on I've been on my own for some and it's been the best thing ever.
Your situation sounds horrendous.My DH didn't leave me for OW, or even say any derogatory things about me- it was all about flattery and distraction.And yes we had problems with a teenager, not behavioural but illness, and I can see now I'd become quite controlling and preoccupied because with everything else going on ie.frail elderly parents, business to run life already seemed to be spiralling out of control.
Couples counselling helped to identify why we'd drifted into this situation, and made my DH really examine boundaries and behaviour.
But only individual counselling has finally helped me find peace of mind,and establish what I really want from life,my marriage and the the future.

Abitwobbly has posted on lots of threads I have too and she sums it up so well .
Don't despair.Get some help.Cherish those friends.Mine have been wonderful.Family can often be too close.You are also grieving the loss of easy relationship with them.Quite rightly so - they let you down big time.Let your friends become your new family.A sisterhood like you will find on here.

Take it one day at a time.Find something lovely for you in every day.A soak in the bath.A walk with a friend.A new book.A massage if you can afford it.Don't feel selfish ,don't feel guilty.This all about you now and whatever direction it takes you in you can do it.x

What seems to me is that they are not really sorry.
They are just using you.
My bet is that the ow was not as supportive to him, and he probably knew then of his serious health problem.

I could possibly forgive an affair, even break up. But not the bad mouthing, I don't think.
That was just low.

No wonder you feel hate.

Counselling may help you overcome it or help you leave.

It's not fair that now he has the health problems and you probably would feel guilty for sending him off.
Please do not feel guilty.

Let his mother take care of him if she wants.

"I could possibly forgive an affair, even break up. But not the bad mouthing, I don't think.
That was just low. "

This.

I am staggered that people expect you just to forget the way they've treated you, as though the trust hasn't been absolutely shattered. I'm so very sorry you had to deal with it, and of course you're struggling to deal with it now.

Just in case it takes time to sort out counselling, this is free

I don't think is a replacement for face to face, given the gravity of what has happened to you, but maybe it can tide you over in the meantime.

It might also be useful for your husband as a no cost, no hassle (in terms of logistics, he doesn't need to make appointments, or even leave the house) solution to give him the opportunity to demonstrate to both of you that he intends to attempt to take his depression in hand, rather than use it as a shield against criticism and the effort of rebuilding.

If he seems reticent perhaps remind him that you and your children are not bit players littering the place up to create decoration for his protagonist status in the theatre that is his life, and you all need him to make an effort to get better in order to start the work of seeing if the family can be pieced back together.

And pass it on to MIL too, saying that studies say actual work on your own creates solutions while talking to family members/mates creates a cementing/stagnation of the negative emotions/thoughts. I have completely made that up, but it gives you a conflict free way out of having to soak up all her outpourings, and she can't badmouth you cos it is dressed up as you doing the best thing for her. I don't normally suggest fudging the truth, but I think you need a fast, emotionally cost free way to fob her off and free yourself of the additional weight she is dumping on you.