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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why are men weird and have we asked for it?

40 replies

Louise28 · 14/03/2006 12:54

Ok - if you wanna join in my solo rant chat feel free coz I wanna - hear from you ladies about all this!!!
In a nutshell - i am a 28 yr old, single, attractive woman who for some strange reason is finding it hideously difficult to find a "normal" man!
I hit brick walls all the time - for example lastest man I met was 30 - no ties - good job, own house, car etc and yet right from the start it was these horrible destructive mind games - i don't want a serious relationship, I've been hurt - all women are evil etc etc - so in other words yet another selfish prick who wants his cake and eat it - i.e gets to keep his big batchelor lifestyle but has me on the side who he thinks he can see once a month for a night out and sex attached to it then I get dropped off the next day only to be seen again when it suits him! I mean come on - why are guys like that now! I find it very depressing and it really buggers you're self esteem levels up! Has anyone else experienced this? As a result I am becoming dreadfully cynical, mistrusting and lost all motivation to ever want a relationship as what's the point?
Ideas or comments would be fab???
:(

OP posts:

shellybelly · 14/03/2006 12:59

could it be coz you have children?? as some men may find it hard when they meet a women who already has kids

Blu · 14/03/2006 13:00

"gets to keep his big batchelor lifestyle but has me on the side who he thinks he can see once a month for a night out and sex attached to it then I get dropped off the next day only to be seen again when it suits him! I mean come on - why are guys like that now!

Because you let him treat you like that?

I honestly think it would be better for your self-esteem if you did without the once-a-month sex and date, and looked for someone whoo has the same aims as you.

But i do sympathise - good luck!

bluejelly · 14/03/2006 13:02

Don't take it personally whatever you do. I think men take a lot longer to grow up then women.
And as ( I think) jodie marsh said on Big Brother, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince... (not taht I follow jodie marsh in any other way but I think she got it right on that occassion!)

Having said that I would be deeply suspicious of a man who only wanted to see me once a month. He sounds like an arse. But don't lose hope

Carmenere · 14/03/2006 13:05

I think you, my dear, are just on the verge of raising your standards. Why on earth should you be satisfied with a prat like that? You DO deserve better and you now just have to wait for better to appear. Basically I think there is a lot to the theory that as soon as you make the mental decision not to put up with crap, a decent bloke will appear. Worked for me anyway so don't be depressed or dispondent, don't allow your self esteem to nose dive, be proud that you are not the type of self-hater that is happy with crumbs from the table.

bluejelly · 14/03/2006 13:21

Good post carmenere. Been thinking I need to raise my game also. Think the problem is I have too much empathy for men with 'issues'. I swear the next man i date will be psychologically squeaky clean

MeerkatsUnite · 14/03/2006 13:38

The best relationship advice I was ever given was the following:-

"You cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved".

Nightynight · 14/03/2006 13:39

louise have you given this guy the boot yet? I do hope so.
yes, there are loads of these kind of single guys around, dont put up with that crap! keep looking you will find a decent one. Its the oldest cliche in the book, the guy who doesnt want to commit - but they cant expect to enjoy your company without changing that view a bit.

Original poster

Louise28 · 14/03/2006 14:04

wow - i'm chuffed you all joined in on my rant - hmmm i'm kinda with the opinion that i allow myself to be treated this way - although some of it is a fear of never finding anyone at all and being on the shelf! I just always thought dating was supposed to be fun and give you that sick but excited feeling in your stomach - not the emotionally draining crap that it seems to be now!
Do you think though that we women have asked for men's nasty attitude towards us now? I mean we wanted all this equal rights and equality - but in doing that we've blurred the lines of relationships and now men think they can treat us with no respect - I don't know - I'm lost and sad about it all and in answer to have I got rid of the latest loser - yes I have - I may attract these weirdos but I sure as hell don't tolerate then anymore! :)

OP posts:

Nightynight · 14/03/2006 18:21

no, I think men have always tried to treat women with no respect - but I agree with you that traditional lines are now blurred, and IMO, it often works to the women's disadvantage.

dont worry about being left on the shelf! there are LOADS of guys out there, you will find a good one.
If desparate, I recommend joining my industry (computing) it is about 95% men, most of them are not geeky weirdos

snafu · 14/03/2006 18:30

Left on the shelf at 28?! I hope your tongue is firmly in your cheek, louise - or should I say 'young lady'?

There will always be disrespectful arseholes in this world. The trick is to have a well-attuned wanker radar! Or do as I've done, and just leave the whole relationship shebang to other people. It's okay to be single, y'know

blueteddy · 14/03/2006 19:06

There will always be stacks of men who treat women with no respect & feel they can pick them up when they please.
Don't allow yourself to be treated this way! When he next calls you up for a night out, tell him you are busy & don't allow him to use you for sex - you are worth more than this!

crazydazy · 14/03/2006 19:12

The decent ones are the ones who don't want to have sex with you for at least a month.

blueteddy · 14/03/2006 19:24

LOL, crazydazy!
My husband would love to have sex as frequently as once a month!!!

crazydazy · 14/03/2006 19:32

Pmsl at how that looks!!

I meant in the beginning when you first meet....DP didn't even snog me properly until I'd known him a month, was gagging for it by the time we actually got down and dirty 2 months later!!!

8 months later DD was born (she was a month premature)

blueteddy · 14/03/2006 20:17

LOL! No need to explain!!
That was blimmin quick work when you did get going though!!!

Dior · 14/03/2006 20:21

crazydazy - they all want sex, but the good ones wait!

crazydazy · 14/03/2006 21:03

I was gagging for it though not him

blondie82 · 14/03/2006 21:26

lol, blueteddy. i had to wait 2 weeks with my dp. now we have dd, hes lucky to get it at all!!

alexsmum · 14/03/2006 21:28

did anyone read in article in the observers 'women' magazine a couple of weeks ago? written by a bloke who said if a woman hasn't slept with him by 2nd date then he wouldn't call her again, as no point him blowing another hundred pound on a night out if not getting any sex out of it! i was horrified!
having sex with someone is such an incredibly intimate thing to do,i hate the way it's sometimes like a handshake- a prelude to getting to know someone rather than an expression of love for someone.
definitely raise your game louise!
do you have children?

sheepgomeep · 14/03/2006 21:57

Spot on crazy dazy and dior... i always judge my fellas by that philosophy and I dated some arseholes before I met my dp.

the ones I met after exdp were all sleazy, grabby, content to tx me when it suited them and expected me to jump to thier tune when they tx me in the middle of the night out of the blue when I was asleep. Never actually slpet with any of them though although came very very close. ALL of them expected dirty texts from the very first day and I HATE this (unless its with a dp or dh)

How did I know dp was right? He never ONCE dirty text me when we were starting to get close and he didn't want to jump into bed with me at the first oportunity. He was very considerate really. Did end up shagging him after two weeks I was gagging for it!!

Louise28 I always think love will happen when you actually stop looking

Nightynight · 15/03/2006 09:02

alexmum, that's why I hate letting a man pay on a date. Nobody pays unless they expect to get something in return, and I dont rate a couple of hours of my company as worth a hundred quid (unless I am advising him about GPS or UMTS, in which case it is worth >considerably< more, lol)
You can get to know someone just as easily chatting over coffee, or just walking around. I always find it creepy if a guy tries to impress me by offering an expensive date, paid by him.

You have got to look for love though - it doesn't just "happen" - I know several single, thirty-something women, who wouldn't demean themselves to chase after men.

FioFio · 15/03/2006 09:03

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Louise28 · 15/03/2006 09:32

Wow - this really is great stuff reading what other women think - half the time you can feel so alone and isolated and there's something wrong with you! In answer to do I have any children... no I don't.. have enough trouble juggling my own life! I'm crap with men.. always have been.. i put up all too easily with being treated badly as I have never felt I deserved better than that - or i've been scared of them no liking me etc etc.. when in actual fact I am starting to realise they never liked me in the 1st place - just for sex etc! I do think it stems from my dad leaving when i was 5 and never bothering with me - part of me feels desperate to be loved and yet so unworthy of actually being loved! It's like with this latest loser - I should have never bothered from the start I knew what he was like but I wanted it to be different then when it isn't your world comes crashing down and you can re-affirm how shit you feel inside! I am really finding all your commments interesting though - so please keep me comin :)

OP posts:

Tommy · 15/03/2006 09:40

after having my heart broken a few years ago I read "The Rules" - something about how to find a man and get him to marry you or something like that....anyway - alot of it is nonsense but a great deal of it was about self esteem and how you have to take care of yourself in relationships and don't put your life on hold for some bloke who obviously doesn't care that much for you (in your case Louise, if he cared he would want to see you more often etc)
I actually found it very liberating and can honestly say it changed my attitude to men - no hanging around waiting for them to call and keeping evenings free "just in case" he called and wanted to go out.
Good luck - there are a lot of arses out there but there are some really lovely men too

Original poster

Louise28 · 15/03/2006 10:50

oh and don't get me wrong... I know us women can be bitches and have our faults but I can honestly say i have gone out my way to hurt or mess anyone around - I think honesty is the only way..but you start to think well why should I be..maybe I should play the game and piss men about..but you know what - I'd rather hold out for mr right and just get on with my own life in the meantime - boring but SAFE! :o

OP posts:

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