am I oversensative?? be honest (but not too brutal!)

[MrsUnitedNationsZone]

ok, have changed name but u can work it out, (i'm a regular but DH knows my log on but I need a serious vent) please tell me if u think i'm being over sensative and neurotic or anything cos i'm feeling a bit sensitive right now! (so be gentle)

we have PIL stopping with us right now for a week, (came on sat) DS was born 20 day's ago first grand child so is getting spoilt a bit - now for my issues.

they came on sat and DS was unsetteld after the whole cuddles etc thing so he was cuddled to sleep on in the night. (we've just given him a dummy for evenings only - literally) anyhow DH cooked tea all was OK, then sunday came and the fun began - my M/W has encouraged my BF, along with us getting DS to sleep independantly - ie in his crib during the day for naps not in the front room in his bouncer as he was getting unsettled in his crib at night. anyhow. DS woke in the night about 4/5 times and didn't settle at his 3am feed but that's another thread.

DH then told me i'm not ment to BF on demand for DS, as DH was bottle fed every 4 hours and he's ok - even thou I BF on demand per my M/W to keep my supply etc going. i was also then told that DH/BIL slept in their boucers during the day and it never did them any harm - que DH to get the bouncer out and put him to sleep in there - (I tried the crib but he wouldn't settle - apparently he 'wanted company and noise cos he was scared of missing something' - WTF???

anyhow he was fed at 3 (in the afternoons he feeds every 2 hours) and during dinner he cried again - all I said was what's the time?? and I had 3 voices (PIL and DH) say he's not hungry he doesn't want feedin he's lonely - I know my son's cry and that was his hunger cry. anyhow DH changed his bum , played with him winded him, them MIL took him away, I took a call, and then came down to a sheepish DH telling me he thinks DS want's feeding - my reply - I know he does that's his cry. so he fed lovely for 30 mins - 1-0 me.

anyhow since then a dummy has been shoved in his mouth at every oppertunity when he grizzles even thou I've expressly said I don't want him to have it all the time as it's interfering with his latching on etc. and he's bopping on/off worse than when he was first born. so today what do I come down and see - DS with MIL trying to put a dummy in his mouth

so basically am I being over sensitive of not? I want DS to be in good habits and i'd like a semi routein ie bed time and some naps etc but that's impossible right now. DH goes away nexst week so i'm going to try and get DS into a rough routein. i'm so annoyed that it feels like my aprenting skills don't matter - the H/v came yesterday and I could have kissed her for saying in fornt of MIL i'm doing brilliantly. (cos at the mo every time he crys MIL is rushing in to 'resuce' him. and he's her baby!) every time he cry's i'm on tender hooks cos she's watching my every move. I can't say anything to DH thru fear of upsetting him.

my parents are down this w/e so we'll see if things improve!

sorry it's a bit long - ooh and must add, we're home alone me and DS - he's been fed and guess what he's asleep in his crib wiuthout his dummy! I knew he didn't always need it and would settle.

This is exactly why you should have no visitors! Just get on with it your way. There is no way on this earth I'd have my outlaws visiting when I had a new baby. Nooooooo. Disaster.

You're not being sensitive - kick them out or tell them to keep their nose out.

WTF????
YOU ARE THE MOTHER - tell them to eff off!

Just keep hold of ds and not let them near. Disappear off with the pram and keep them at a distance. or make lots of appointments with friends so that you are away with ds on your own.

You know best - my MIL used to try it on all the time - I just nodded and smiled and ignored her.

Sounds like a nightmare! They probably mean well but shouldn't interfere. It must be hard but I would be firm and say 'this is how it's going to be', and do things your way. It's your baby. I'd be mad enough if it was my own parents bossing, let alone the inlaws!!

Nod, smile and ignore. And if she or dh or fil persists in sticking their oar in say loudly that although you appreciate their help you are doing fine and are happy to do it your way. Be polite but firm.

what's a bouncer - you don't mean those things hanging from the door do you?

Imo, I know it's hard for a new mum with hormones all over the place but you have to politely, but firmly take control and tell anyone offering advice, 'thanks for your input but you think you've got it covered'

Pussy footing around a situation leads nowhere.

JT - no sorry the rocker thingys u know they sit in - ooh and last night when we were eating dinner he was left in front of the telly to watch simpsons - v v pissed off about that one.

he was in his rocker thing yesterday, I was asleep he had teashirt jeans and vest on the heating was on full (he was about 1 meter away form the radiator) with a blanket folded over 4 times over the top - needless to say his snuffles came back with a vengance last night and the blanket was smokey - nott hat I have anything against smokers but as a non smoker I don't want my DS around smokey bedding b4 I wash them.

def gonna have to speak to DH about it. thank you guys I thought I was being OTT. I almost did say on sunday he's my son and I know what's best for him. but I don't want to come across as ungrateful or anything.

LOL JT - they are chairs that "bounce".

Agree - you go with your instincts. You sound like you have it sorted.

Remind everyone that it is you that has to care for him for the other 20 hours of the day, and whilst you appreciate their help, they arent around all the time, and so they should respect you and follow your lead, routines.

When he is a bit older and more settled - they can "spoil/indulge" him in more suitable ways.

no, don't say it like that, that's just antagonistic (which is I'm sure how you feel ) but you have to be 'nice' about it. Say you're having a great time learning about motherhood, getting great advice from your fabbo midwife and isn't it amazing how things have changed over the years.

You're absolutely right, get anything smokey away from him, and any smokers - bad news for babys.
And you're nowhere near OTT - should have seen me with my in-laws and they'd come all the way from NZ to be put right by their DIL!

I thnk you are VETY bracve to have anyone staying in your home with a new born baby

He is YOUR baby - do it how YOU want to.

be polite but firm - otherwise they willl interfere forever...... Good luck

oops meant babies

lol, well that's why i'm more inclinded to ask my mum, not only are we exceptionally close but she says ask ur m/w listen to her and then advises me but says at the end of the day it's ur choice he's ur son.

I love my mum! lol - althou she's prob doing to me as I did to her inmy teens when u learn how to plant the idea and nurture it! lol.

I would have a word with your dh and let him sort them out. Just you ignore them - don't get confrontational - you'll only stress yourself.
I think in 'their' day they didn't have central heating - my mil used to have my ds wrapped up so tight with layers that he was always bright red. And any time I went NEAR the front door - it would be 'oh wrap him up warm dear!' even in the blooming height of summer.
It is very dangerous to let them get too hot - better for them to be a little on the cold side - they'll soon let you know - whereas they won't let you know if they are too hot - they will just drift away......

Not oversensitive at all.
JT's suggestion of how to put it is great-polite but firm.

Why is the bedding smoky?
Are they smoking in the house?

Throw the dummies away-then they can't be offered.

Your b/feeding is still at a delicate early stage. Do not,I implore you,jeapordise it by listening to their mad stuff about feeding every four hours. The baby needs to be fed as frequently as poss.

If it all gets to much,take the baby to bed with you (and a good book) and lock the door.

Silly cow! (mil not you..)

TK - yes that's my exact issues, esp as he's v snuffally when he's too hot and gags etc then won't sleep then's over tired so it's a vicious circle.

so far i'm biting my tounge thinking 4 more days to go, 3 more days to go etc.

lol, MD - no it was a gift knitted for us which I would have liked to have washed first.

I am of the same view witih the feeding - well feeding ever 2 hours min but 4 max, basically when he whails with the mwah mwah cry he has.

You sound like you're doing really well MUNZ. Can you give them some jobs to do while they're still around - maybe shopping/cooking or washing? I found that worked for mine (they were here for 4 months!!!)I did all the baby care and they picked up the other stuff.

My PIL came to stay when ds was five weeks old - they hadn't bothered to come before - live in the UK and were not ancient!

From the time ds woke up on the first day they were there, I couldn't get near him, and it was this total 'he's loving having us around because we're his grandparents and know best' sort of feeling rammed down my throat. And it was Mother's Day - my first!!

Dh was not a lot of support - worried about upsetting his parents, so I ended up 'running away' to my parents for a couple of hours - without ds.

Fourteen years later I still remember how upset and angry I felt. Looking back now, it shows total lack of sensitivity - and like your dm, my mum would always gently suggest ideas, followed by 'you know what's best'.

Try and get your home back to yourself, so you can settle into your routine - you're doing brilliantly!

I feel sorry for you.

tbh if you didnt have a newborn baby then it might not have bothered you as much as it has done.

I have a 5 month old and yesterday was told that I shouls stay at home until babe goes to school.

Eeven tho DD is already booked to go to nursery in Oct. I just smiled at her noncomitally.

Your hormones are quite rightly all over the place. Try and be strong take a deep breath (and mentally tell them to mind their own.)

I think your doing very well

WM - u're not ment to say! lol.

In about a year all this will seem very trivial! But I know it seems very important at the moment, I understand that. But anyway, I think they should shut the F up and let you get on with looking after your baby however YOU want to do it. Your dh should NOT be siding with his parents over this, he should be backing you up imo. It's very hard to get babies into routines this early imo so I think you should cut yourself some slack and not worry too much about that part. And a little while in a bouncer isn't the end of the world but most first time mums (I was one!) think it is because all the books say so. Good luck, I hope you're not offended by this, I haven't read the thread so sorry if repeating. I have no idea who you are btw!

someone else posted about their MIL rushing in when their baby cried and I know what you mean as mine sometimes does it, v v v annoying, he's your baby you know whats best for him, your in laws need to take a step back and respect the way you do things, and for crying out loud he's only 20 days (you shouldn't give a toss what she thinks, be a little more assertive, not that i'm saying you aren't iyswim don't let her take over ) and is that what she actually says 'he's her baby' oooohhh so in total no I don't think you are being over sensitive

Throw the dummy out.
And I think you do need to talk, gently, to your DH.

Good luck - it is an immense strain, this MIL business, and i do not think you areover-reacting. Just politely get on with your own thing. Tell DH better to stick to ONE approach, which the HV is suporting you in, rather than flit about and confuse everyone. Yes, MILs advice is doubtless sound, but there is more than one way to skin a cat, and you are going a slightly different route. Tell him you will be stickimng to your methods whatever your Mum says, too!

four words- mummy always knows best!

pil might have known best for their lot but when it comes to your ds you and no-one else, not even dh knows whats best for him.

men think their the experts but at 14 months my dp still can't tell the differance between a dirty nappy cry, a tired cry and a hungry cry, although he's quick enough to tell me what he thinks i'm doing wrong.

you carried your ds inside you, you're closer to him than any other himan being ever will be, don't let anyone tell you you don't know what your doing.