What makes a good dad?

[GemsAngels]

I was wondering if I could get some other opinions.
My soon to be ex thinks hes an amazing dad and says it all of the time. He says he has our 2 daughters more than most and pays too much maintenance.
I always say to people he is a good dad as I compare him to my own, who was semi non existant during my upbringing.
My friend thinks that my soon to be ex husband is a selfish pig and is not a good dad.
When he left to live with his new gf he continued to see our 2 daughters but not my eldest who isnt his daughter but has bought her up as his own from the age of 3. He is all she has known.
Before I say what he does as a dad or how much he pays I would really appreciate what you all think makes a good dad and how much he sees them, how much involvement he has in their lives. As I havnt had a very 'normal' upbringing, I dont know what normal is.
His answer to my questions are, your a single parent now, deal with it, Im busy, ask your mum.

My DH says that the Dad's role is to make sure the children have fun - and the Mum makes sure they eat properly, get to bed on time, and get their homework done!
I think it depends on how you divvy up the responsibilities between you though. In your situation, where he is not living with the children, I would expect him to keep to committments (see them when he says he's going to see them), attend important things like school concerts etc, contribute financially, not contradict your rules (though this works both ways), and to make sure that they enjoy going to see him.

I would have thought that he should see them at least a couple of days every week, and for longer periods during school hols if you want them to maintain the relationship, though this depends on logistics - where you all live etc.
It's a shame that he doesn't want to see your eldest, but I can understand that if she isn't his daughter.

A good dad respects the mother and supports her wherever he can.

DH pays his ex according to CSA guidelines (they never went through CSA) and talks maturely to his ex about additional money. He bought a set of school uniforms yesterday as having an extra set here means everyone's life is easier. When she decided the boys needed swimming lessons he happily paid for half. We say thank you and attend everything she invites us to.

He NEVER thinks about what other men do, he is only interested in his own kids. We're having them a lot at the moment (ie. extra weekends). We are just happy and would never suggest he pays less maintenance just because we're getting some extra nights. His ex is a single mother but she isn't an only parent. DH and I have her back at all times. When DSS2 was in hospital I looked after DSS1 so she could stay every night (DH visited until late every night).

A good dad: I am using my DD's father as an example as I consider him the gold standard of fatherhood.

DD is the most important person in his life, and her needs/wants come first.
He takes full responsibility for the care and welfare of his child, and considers his opinion and input as important as ours.
The raising of DD is a joint enterprise.
When DD was a baby he was as responsible for feeds/nappies/crying solutions as we were and no "guidance" was needed.
He considers that DD should have the same standard of living and opportunities as himself (his salary is considerably larger than ours)
He is fully capable of buying school uniforms/clothes/shoes/toiletries etc for DD without having to ask
He knows who her teachers are and what her best subjects are and attends school events where possible (work permitting as he travels)
He knows what she likes to do (hobbies etc) and encourages her without pressurising.
He has no qualms about talking about relationships, girl stuff and "difficult" topics with her. He knows who her friends are
He listens and engages with DD and spends good quality time with her.
He does NOT consider that childcare and holiday arrangements are our responsibility, but something to be discussed and worked out between us.
He is a dad 100% of the time, even though she does not live with him 100%.

Wow, he wont see your eldest daughter?? That is harsh. Unfeeling brute.

Good dad--
someone who interacts with their children on a regular basis,
who is interested in their lives,
who listens to what they have to say,
who is concerned about how they are getting on at school, with their friends
who teaches them new skills and introduces them to new experiences
who tells them that they are loved and special and valued all the time.

That is just off the top of my head

What makes a good dad is the same as what makes a good mum I think: prioritising the children's needs over your own, caring for them, behaving in an appropriate way around them, being interested in who they are and what they think, teaching and supporting them to learn how to deal with and get on in life, providing a safe, stable and happy environment.

Waiting for me - it's very nice to hear of a very good relationships with separated parents and there OH. Makes a nice change!

Yes I agree although I think it's very hard to define exactly what a good father is. It depends on a lot of circumstances.

Most of us are doing our best with parenting, muddling along, making decisions on the hooof and making careless mistakes at the same time. It's easy to be judgemental but my opinion is that those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I'd find it easier identify a bad parent... someone who acts maliciously and who deliberately sets out to make their children's lives worse rather than better, either directly or indirectly. Anyone who doesn't do that is, by default, an OK parent.

Thankyou all so much for mailing back :) I really appreiciate it.
What he does...
Loves them, and they dont ever say they dont want to go.
Took them to his aunties caravan for 3 days in May.
Has them every other weekend at his mums, not sure why he doesnt have them at his gf's as they have been together 2 years.
Has them for tea on a tuesday, picks them up at 5 and takes them to his sisters to eat. Then takes them to a club at 6.
His mum washes their clothes I have paced for them, so saves me the job.
He pays maintenance calcutated for our 2 daughters.
They usually go somewhere or do something when they are with him.

What he doesnt do...
Ask about their school or out of school activities, or contribute to dance classes, outfits, school trips.
My one daughter has extra help and Im always having to go back and fore to the school, he never does. He never even asks how she is doing.
Pay his half of the mortgage anymore. We are behind on payments and he has left me to deal with it all.
As we are forced to sell he wont help prepare for a sale. It needed a bit of painting and DIY doing to it. I have had to do this myself. He has also cancelled all insurances and we had a leak in the bathroom. He wouldnt pay half of the plumbing bill. He told me to use maintenance which was then 12 pound a week.
Help with childcare for me to work.
Have the girls any extra time for me to work, other than his access time. Once I have been late and he gwent mental.
He wont pick them up from out of school activities as its not 'his time' he says.
Have them on any bank holiday.
Wouldnt take a hol in the summer as he had to work. I say well I have to work also. He says deal with it ask your mum. My mum works full time. He has just booked a hol for 2 weeks to go to shri lanka with his gf.

Not all what I have mentioned is to do with being a good dad but surely he should still support me as such so I can go out and provide for our daughters. Or am I wrong?

Parenting is parenting. Money is money. Access is access. If he's supposed to pay for mortgages and isn't then that's a separate matter between you, him and the lawyers. If he's keeping to an access agreement but not being flexible, that's also between you & him. You can't expect to split up with someone and them carry on exactly the same as when you were together.

A good dad is

Patient, he listens to his children and doesn't get aggressive even if they're winding him up.
Responsible, not just being the "fun dad" who hypes them up just before bedtime or feeds them sweets and mcdonalds all day. Pays his way and is there for them physically when they need him.
Respectful to the mother of his children even if they have split up, a good role model for his sons and showing his daughters that they are worthy of respect.
Plays games. Has time for his children, takes an interest in what is important to them. Shows them that they matter.

If your eldest DD considers him dad then that's appalling that he won't see her. So I'd also add:
Knows that blood isn't nearly as important as all of these other things.

Putting your children first.

This includes being able to treat your ex with respect and put aside any issues from the separation.

Money: someone pointed out to me that they thought it was terrible that DD's father doesn't pay maintenance. He doesn't pay us a penny and quite rightly so as he does pay his half of DD's life expenditure.
The only thing he fails on is hair. He's not very good at hair, but neither am I. Fancy hairstyles are DP's domain.

Based on my OWN Dad (whom, unfortunately, was crap IMO)....I would have liked the following for myself:

Hugs/acknowledging me when he came home from work
Telling me I was pretty
Cuddles every day
Taking me fun places
Having conversations with me.

Just my input...my DH is is wonderful to DD and I couldn't have wished for more, having her brought up the way I wish I had been makes up for it...well sometimes. It still hurts.

A good dad does his best to make his children happy and to ensure that they are.

wow, this makes me sad. My H is always saying men arnt interested in who their friends are, and needs to be asked to sit and do an activity with a dc. On holiday at the waterpark this year i was off with dc1 on slides and when I got back he moaned that he was bored being with dc2 because all he wanted to do was wander around the caves...
who actually admits his kids are boring, the more I think about it the more I see what a twunt he is

I'm also a twunt by that measure S0fedup. :) Having spent more hours than I think is healthy accompanying DS on extremely dull trips to steam railways and various Science/Space/Engineering museums over the years I'd also describe the experience as 'boring'. But I do it anyway. My bumper sticker would say 'Nice mums do it through gritted teeth'.

I think a lot of people find that stuff boring or difficult or both. It is a bit shit to moan and drag your feet over it though. When you are a parent I think you have to suck it up!

Why the differentiation between a good dad and a good parent?

thats what I think, making endless balls of playdough gets tedious at the 44th ball, but... thats what u do isnt it? coz the kids enjoy it?

As he was in your daughter's life since she was 3 and he is the only 'dad' she knows, I would say his refusal to see her now makes him emphatically NOT a good dad. That's a really shitty message to give to a child.

I don't think you can say parenting is parenting, money is money etc as if they were completely separate elements. Everything has an impact on everything else.

If he is refusing to help you pay the mortgage he is thus risking the home of his children - so again, NOT a good dad. You could come to some arrangement where you sell and downsize when the children are older and he gets a share, so it would be fair. If the house gets repossessed, where will you all go? Is he risking their schooling if you have to move?

I think a good dad is a dad who is present. Who shows up. Who takes an interest. Who makes a child feel loved and special. Who contributes financially for that child. Children need to eat, wear clothes, live somewhere safe and warm. To say that paying for these kind of things is nothing to do with parenting is rubbish.

I agree with spero but also with cog. I see the things as separate elements of being a responsible parent and person. So financial fallings out should not influence contact arrangements but also a good parent would not take actions to preserve their own financial security at the expense of their childrens' main home.

I've been thinking about this all day. I think it comes down to four things really, levels of;

1. Respect
2. Commitment
3. Care
4. Responsibility

Parents who don't have adequate levels of these things I think often prioritise poorly and behave in a damaging way.

There are plenty of other qualities which are helpful as a parent such as patience, fair mindedness, quick thinking etc but those four things are the most basic ones.

My ex is doing much better at 1 but totally fails at 2, 3 and 4.

Decent parenting requires selflessness. Obviously we're all human, and you have to strike a balance (and kids need to learn others have needs/feelings as well) but if you don't prioritise their needs (not necessarily wants - you don't have to martyr yourself) above yours, you're not a good parent.

And someone who abandons a child who they've raised from the age of 3 is not a good parent. If you haven't seen a solicitor, you may not be aware that he is financially responsible for her, too, under the Children Act, if her biological father isn't in the picture/is unable to contribute.

I disagree that money is separate to parenting. A non-contributing father is causing his/her child to suffer, avoidably. A parent doesn't do that. It doesn't justify witholding contact in any way, shape or form (all you do then is doubly punish the child) but let's not pretend: if you'd rather spend your child's money on your own needs, you're not a good parent.

OP if all you have sorted out between you is CSA maintenance, do I take it you aren't married? And if so and the house is jointly owned, you should try to offset half your additional expenses (mortgage, plumbing etc) against the proceeds when the money is split. If, on the other hand, the house is yours, then he doesn't really have to pay towards the running costs.

I don't think he does sound a good Dad, no. Not after abandoning one of his girls, nor after being disinterested in their education etc. But he's the best dad the younger two are ever going to get, and at least he makes some effort. For their sake, I'd stop pondering this one, because it's only going to make you angry. It isn't like you can go back in time and choose a different father for them.

"who actually admits his kids are boring, the more I think about it the more I see what a twunt he is"

I'm frequently bored by my toddler. Craft activities are dull. Heavy machinery is dull. Duplo is dull. Thomas the Tank Engine is torturous levels of dull. I don't think being bored is what matters - it's how well you hide it!

Okay, should clarify there, HE is not dull. He is the single most brilliant, fascinating and charming child ever created. But his current interests are dull beyond belief.