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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so angry with dh and need to offload

37 replies

Wigglewoo · 28/08/2012 06:20

Its our anniversary today.

Dh has the day off and yesterday I took both kids (dd aged 9 and ds 10 weeks) out for the day so I was / am pretty shattered esp as I have really hurt my ankle (another v long story) so I was pretty much hobbling from bench to bench with ds while dd explored.

Ds gets up once a night for a feed (usually 3am but last night was 1am and then 4am) and I do this when dh has work the next day which is fine BUT last night I was knackered and he has the day off today so I said to him "do you want to do the night feed or get up with ds?" (Ds usually gets up for good at 5.30am). Dh says "I don't know". (Clearly neither, who does!?!!!) So I ask again, I don't know again. So I did the 1am feed and ds wants feeding at 4.30. I nudge dh as he never hears ds and say "your turn". Suddenly its "- don't feel well" - well not many people do at 4.30am!! So we lie there arguing over who is getting up (ds isn't crying just faffing about) . Eventually dh says "you do this one and I'll get up with him".

So I fed ds but it took so long that ds is now wide awake (I'm not breastfeeding by the way) and I'm wide awake so I end up getting up with him anyway!! If I go back to bed now I can't sleep as I'm angry with dh and wide awake.

Why the fuck can't he just do one night feed wthout moaning about it?! He will do it if I really reallly push him to but then I suffer the misery of his moaning! I do it without moaning, I even say "don't worry I'll do it" if I know he's had a shit day and its early evening whatever. Why can't he do that for me!?

I'm so angry. And we're supposed to be going out for our anniversary today (my mum is babysitting for a couple of hours) and I just feed like sodding off on my own.

OP posts:
kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 06:30

I'm so sorry. That sounds very selfish and rather childish of him too. I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you as I've not been in that situation...I'm still breastfeeding so I do the night shift and my husband helps as much as he can. I can understand you aren't feeling like celebrating you anniversary though. I think I'd have to tell him why and discuss how unsupported and angry you feel. Good luck. (Happy anniversary).

cupcake78 · 28/08/2012 06:31

I'm not surprised your pissed off with him! I wouldn't be amused either.

Original poster
Wigglewoo · 28/08/2012 06:37

Thanks. I appreciate the support. The thing that annoys me is if I say I'm annoyed he will say "well why didn't you get me up then" (ie to get up with him" but if I did that he would grump about and moan and then I have to listen to him be miserable about it so I don't get a lie in and if I've been up with ds since 4.30am then I'm wide awake anyway - really I wantted him to do the 4.30 feed without so much as a whinge. Is that too much to ask?

He helped a lot when ds was newborn but now he's a bit older and still waking up he's sort of opted out saying he "finds getting up in the night really hard" - well no shit. So do I.

Great start to the day really.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 28/08/2012 06:39

Reading your post takes me back to the many crappy convo's in the middle of the night Sad
I would be livid too and very tempted to bugger of on my own.

I hope he makes it up to you.

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 06:44

The thing is wiggle, you shouldn't have to get him up. You've got 2 children now 3. He should anticipate where and when you need help not wait to be nagged, coerced even told to do it. is he still asleep?

Dorfdeb · 28/08/2012 06:49

Your ds is still a newborn, so when did he actually help?

I made it clear to H that he would be expected to get up with our DCs from the point at which I stopped breastfeeding and now the DCs are a bit older he gets up with them every weekend morning so I can have a lie in. It may be selfish of me but it's the only way I am able to function during the week.

I would kick him in the leg next time.

cupcake78 · 28/08/2012 06:52

My dh said when I was breatfeeding as he couldn't feed he would take care of the bum end GrinGrinGrin. Little did he realise that lasted a lot longer. Can you get you dh to go this far Wink

Original poster
Wigglewoo · 28/08/2012 07:00

Thanks - and kitty that's exactly how I feel. He just says he can't hear ds, he just sleeps through the monitor so I always wake up and need to nudge him up. I know he's being unreasonable I just don't seem to be able to change him so maybe I need to change myself otherwise I'm just getting so angry all the time.

Yep he's still asleep now. Will probably surface about 8. What also annoys me is if he did get up he would literally look after ds and that's it - he wouldn't do any washing or sort the dishwasher etc (when I do) so I'd end up doing that whenever I got up and trying to catch up with things.

You're right, ds is still a newborn. - guess I mean he helped for the 3 weeks of his paternity leave and a week or so after. Now its basicallly he's stressed at work (which I understand but I'm stressed to!!!) And he finds getting up hard!!! GrrrRrrrrr :(

OP posts:
Slainte · 28/08/2012 07:05

Very selfish of your DH. I would be seething.

Might be better to agree who's doing what before you go to bed to avoid those middle of the night conversatons.

I used to do all the midweek nights, DH did all wakings one weekend night and we shared the other night, but agreed before going to bed who was doing what. HTH

Mama1980 · 28/08/2012 07:17

He sounds very selfish tbh. I totally agree that you shouldn't have to ask they are his children. I would be seriously pissed off and feel like buggering off for the day too. Have you talked to him about this calmly when you are both fully awake?

MrsMangoBiscuit · 28/08/2012 07:23

YADNBU. I wouldn't split it night wakings / getting up, tbh. Tell him you'll deal with wakings before 3, he deals with them after. If he doesn't hear your DS, then keep you eyes firmly shut, and nudge him harder and harder until he's awake. Don't talk, don't let him try to bargain his way out, the only response you need is, "your turn".

My DH "didn't hear" our DD either. I think he heard, but it didn't register as anything to worry about, so he didn't wake up properly. On his turn I would nudge him with my foot till he got up. He learnt to hear her in the end. Now at nearly 3, on the odd occasion DD wakes, it's whoever gets there 1st that deals with it, which works out about 50/50. :)

NapaCab · 28/08/2012 07:30

Didn't you hear? Manufacturers make baby monitors to a certain tolerance so that the male ear is immune to any noise transmitted... or at least you'd think so considering how easily my DH can sleep through any amount of noise from DS's room without waking up! The real reason of course is that he knows that I'm taking care of DS so he doesn't need to...

Why don't you go and wake your DH up now and then go back to bed for a few hours' sleep? We do that some weekends - I get up with DS at 6:00am as usual and then DH takes over around 8 so I go back to sleep. We only have DS though, no older child to take care of.

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 07:53

I know what you mean about only sorting out the baby. My husband is very helpful after work and on his days off but it simply ISN'T the same as keeping house and looking after the children every day whilst getting up in the night and having that cumulative effect if tiredness. Breastfeeding, cleaning the house, keeping up with washing, running after a crawling baby and getting the tea on the table? And I use washable nappies!! He simply can't ever experience what that's like and so I don't think he can truly empathise.

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 07:56

"Why don't you go and wake your DH up now and then go back to bed for a few hours' sleep? We do that some weekends - I get up with DS at 6:00am as usual and then DH takes over around 8 so I go back to sleep. We only have DS though, no older child to take care of."

That's what we do too.

ZhenThereWereTwo · 28/08/2012 08:08

Oh Wigglewoo I feel your pain, my DH sleeps like a log and doesn't wake but he would and does get up for dd2 if she cries and I ask him to get her (he just can't feed her as I breastfeed and she doesn't do bottle).

He is being selfish one night wouldn't hurt him.

What we do is if I get up early and am shattered then we swap over later in the day and I go for a nap.

The housework thing gets me too, DH will play with baby and older DD, but will read the news and do no housework in the morning, so I end up getting up to mess. He will however do housework later in the day, he is just not a morning person.

I think you have to be more forceful, when he gets up hand him the baby and say you are going back to bed and that you want x, y, z done in the house.

melliebobs · 28/08/2012 08:11

Rather than ask dh I TELL him when he's doing a night feed Grin

But tbh I'm bf so it's a bit easier cos it's something that dh looks forward too

Abitwobblynow · 28/08/2012 08:20

As someone who now has gorgeous teenagers, can I advise you to please let this go, and instead this pm ask him to take the children whilst you have a snooze.

The reality of the situation is that children at this developmental stage suck you dry. BOTH of you are exhausted, BOTH of you are sleep deprived and even that is not enough to make the small children (at this stage) come first. This is just the most tiring time of marriage, and I think where things start to go wrong with the mutual resentment and letting eiachother down.

So have that afternoon sleep - you need it.

Aussiebean · 28/08/2012 08:25

I agree with mellie. You should be saying. I am too tired you are doing the night feed tonight.

Don't ask him. He is a father. He gets as much choice as you do.

ELR · 28/08/2012 08:26

It's what a lot of Dads do! Don't waste time being upset or angry even though you have every right. Just accept it for what it is and enjoy your day, after all most men are just big kids and you can't stay cross at them for too long!

Slainte · 28/08/2012 08:31

ELR, I really hope your post is tongue-in-cheek Hmm

BigusBumus · 28/08/2012 08:37

My DP was exactly the same. We solved it by me going to bed about 9 and him staying up and doing a feed about 11pm before coming to bed. Then I would do the night feeds (usually one about 3am). That way I got from 9-3 (6 hours) sleep and another hour or 2 from 4-6ish. DP never heard the night feeds and I didn't hear his feed at 11pm so neither ever really suffered from lack of sleep. In the morning he would make me some tea and the bottle and bring it up to me in bed with DS before going to work.

Sounds perfect, but is a lazy bugger around the house, no not quite perfect!

Abitwobblynow · 28/08/2012 18:41

sorry, make should have been stop.
'even being chronically sleep deprived is not enough for their needs to STOP coming first'
My advice as a post natal counsellor to any parents of small children was: sleep when you can and don't feel guilty about it! Nap when they nap. Don't keep capitalist work (24 hr clock) hours.

Original poster
Wigglewoo · 28/08/2012 19:09

Thank you to all who replied. We were doing the "him doing last feed before bed" thing but now ds's routine is either wake up once in the middle of the night about 3am or cluster feed 1am and 3am and 4am - its very random.. So when he wakes once a night that's when we seem to clash as its the middle ofthe night that dh can't seem to cope with but I don't see why it should always have to be me even on days off!

We had a massive row (in tescos car park while my mum had the kids instead of a lovely anniversary lunch!!) Basically he says he feels he can't do anything right and that I should have got him up - but I said I don't want to ask him to do things if he's just going to whinge doing it. He said he feels he can't express his stress (?!) - I said I get just as stressed but its my job as ds parent to do it so I don't turn to him at 3am and wake him and argue about it - I just do it and when its his turn I expect him to do the same.

He said he can't help it if he doesn't hear the monitor. I said fair enough but then me kicking him should be the equivalent of me hearing the monitor and just getting up. I still think he is talking shit about not hearing the monitor though - if I wasn't there are you telling me he'd sleep through the whole thing?! I think not.

He said he thinks I have fallen out of love with him because I never want to do anything with him but I just said its hard to get all hearts and flowers when you feel like poking your eyes out with tiredness at 3am.

OP posts:
CalpurniaRocks · 28/08/2012 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

karatekimmi · 28/08/2012 19:39

Well your argument sounds similar to me and my DH. I breast feed so I do all the night feeds (12 week old) but lot of other things he just doesnt think to do. I always stop eating if he needs soothing through dinner, he moans that I tell him what to do/ how to do it but he always asks how should I ... Or should I pick him up now? You can't have it both ways!!!!

I think he should see what needs doing but once I accepted that this makes me angry and normally if I ask him to do something then he does.

I know this doesn't help with night feeds but rest assured your not alone.

I would try and get more sleep, let the housework slip, nap on the sofa, ask mum to babysit to catch up with sleep. Things might not seem as bad, or you might be able to communicate better when your not sleep deprived!