so angry with dh and need to offload

[Wigglewoo]

Its our anniversary today.

Dh has the day off and yesterday I took both kids (dd aged 9 and ds 10 weeks) out for the day so I was / am pretty shattered esp as I have really hurt my ankle (another v long story) so I was pretty much hobbling from bench to bench with ds while dd explored.

Ds gets up once a night for a feed (usually 3am but last night was 1am and then 4am) and I do this when dh has work the next day which is fine BUT last night I was knackered and he has the day off today so I said to him "do you want to do the night feed or get up with ds?" (Ds usually gets up for good at 5.30am). Dh says "I don't know". (Clearly neither, who does!?!!!) So I ask again, I don't know again. So I did the 1am feed and ds wants feeding at 4.30. I nudge dh as he never hears ds and say "your turn". Suddenly its "- don't feel well" - well not many people do at 4.30am!! So we lie there arguing over who is getting up (ds isn't crying just faffing about) . Eventually dh says "you do this one and I'll get up with him".

So I fed ds but it took so long that ds is now wide awake (I'm not breastfeeding by the way) and I'm wide awake so I end up getting up with him anyway!! If I go back to bed now I can't sleep as I'm angry with dh and wide awake.

Why the fuck can't he just do one night feed wthout moaning about it?! He will do it if I really reallly push him to but then I suffer the misery of his moaning! I do it without moaning, I even say "don't worry I'll do it" if I know he's had a shit day and its early evening whatever. Why can't he do that for me!?

I'm so angry. And we're supposed to be going out for our anniversary today (my mum is babysitting for a couple of hours) and I just feed like sodding off on my own.

Wiggle, I'm so sorry you've had a crappy day. How did he get on when your daughter was wee? How are things now?

Thank you everyone - and calpurnia I am sorry to hear your relationship has ended. Its so hard to cope when you feel so resentful - that's how I feel now.

Well the thing is dd is not his - I was a single mum for quite some time and then I met dh and she sees him very much as "daddy" but he met her after the baby years so this is his first baby. I should have said that but to be honest I just forgot as we are very much a family and I never even think of her being "not his" if that makes sense. He is very good with dd. In fact she spends a lot of the day asking when he's coming home which makes me feel crap as I'm struggling to give her a good summer hol even if we do have ds (- took them both to the zoo yesterday ffs!)

Now dh is being all friendly and chatty with me as he thinks we have "made up" but I'm still really pissed off. It doesn't solve the main issue and we hahvent really sorted anything. I feel like there is a lack of respect between us now and I don't know how to move on from this.

I'm starting to question myself and wondering if I'm being unfair but I don't think I am. I said to him that he doesn't think to do things and he said I don't give him the chance but I said if we leave everything long enough for him to do it then there's even more for me to do later on!!! He doesn't fucking get it.

He did put ds to bed so that's something (the first time he's done it without coming to me saying "I can't do it" in a really upset voice).

Part of my problem is having been a single mum I find it really hard to put up with crap and I get very very angry so we do clash a lot whereas others would let things slide perhaps. I don't know.

Its good to get it all out. Thank you.

Sorry, wiggle, I didn't mean to pry about your daughter's dad. I can see why you wouldn't feel it pertinent to mention as he IS her father. I think it's always the one who is at work all day who gets the hero worship when they get in. That happens in EVERY household!

Might it help if he has defined roles in your son's routine? Like he could, I don't know, do his bath/get ready for bed/ last feed/put him to bed/ play with him for an hour while you have a bath or snooze? Predetermined, coached so he knows exactly what to do, no arguments, this is your job now? Give him ownership of the task (as I would say at work!!)

Just read that back and not sure it makes sense. Sorry! I'm very very tired!!

Thanks kitty, its fine I know exactly what you meant :)

The job idea isn't a bad one, I will think on it.

Today has been tough as he's really trying (emptied dishwasher, changed ds first thing before I fed him, made me a tea) etc but I still feel so angry I had to even say anything to get to this point. I don't want to feel like I have to "(rain" anyone. No one has to tell me what to do.

Little things just really annoy me all the time like he'll clean the hob and not do it properly so I have to do it again but then he'll be annoyed with me for doing it when in his eyes he's already done it well!! Its ridiculous.

We seem to have just stopped communicating properly. When the kids go to bed he sits on the xbox and I read stuff on here and that's that. And to be honest I am the one who suggests he goes on the box as I just want to be on my own / not have to talk / cuddle etc. I am finding I don't miss the intimacy as I am craving my own space. Whereas he does miss it and is very upset I am apparently cold towards him.

I feel angry all the time.

*train not rain.

We've just had another row again. He's upset and saying he gets no afection from me. I said I can't just switch things back on again when I'm so angry. He says he feels like we are on the verge of splitting up. That there's no closeness between us. We're just two people living together raising kids. And in a way that is what its like. I don't have the energy for a relationship as well right now. I'm worn out with everything. I crave time on my own all the time. I don't miss affection or being close sexually.

I said to him I don't know how to get things back on track. I feel like he's always nagging me but really I know he's upset. Who wouldn't be. I just feel like everything is a waste of my energy and I need to spend my energy sleeping or looking after the kids.

I don't see what we do from here really. I have no desire to do anything except what I'm doing at the moment. I think he is at breaking point but rather than wanting to make things better I just think fuck you then. That's not good is it.

Hey you two are knackered and stressed, and no wonder you don't feel affectionate, and no wonder he feels rejected. You have a 10 wk old baby.

I think you should try to agree to get through the next couple of months and give each other a break (emotionally). See where you are when the baby haze has cleared a bit.

And he needs to help more and understand that you are touched out by the baby. It's temporary though!

Thank you. I have suggested to him that the way I'm feeling is a temporary thing but I'm not sure it is actually. I left my dd's dad under very similar circumstances - completely went of sex, wasn't interested in being around dp etc. We had some horrendous rows and I got fed up of it and left him when dd was about 6 months old. I then had another marriage for a few years which was relatively content - tended to do our own thing, lots of sex at first but then dwindled to a comfortable once a month etc- but obviously ex h wasn't happy - which was a shock to me as I thought we were - and he left and went back to his ex before me. I then had a wild year or so where I went out with a much younger man under a friends with benefits thing, I ended up in love, he wasn't. I cut all contact. I then met my now dh. So I know I have the capacity to be a sexual person - me and dh used to have a lot of sex before ds - but now I just cannot be bothered. Its like another thing on my to do list and to be honest its been like this in all my long term relationships.

I don't know where its all gone wrong really. We went on a short break 5 months ago and we had a wonderful time. But then we had ds and its like we hate each other. We can't even have a simple conversation anymore.

I am beginning to think maybe I'm just better on my own. I can't handle the constant stress that relationships seem to bring. There's always some compromise or hassle and I feel I am just getting too old for it all (in my 30's!!) I have just been through so much in my life and I feel I have reached my limit of having to give a shit about other people all the time. I'm fed up with it all.

I feel everyone is making demands of my time all the time and I don't have any time for me. Sometimes I even wonder if having ds was the right thing to do. Dh wanted a baby and I wanted a sibling for dd so I agreed and I do love ds, but with hindsight I do wonder if I would have been better to stay a single parent with dd. Life was simple and easy and I never had to answer to anyone.

Oh gosh - I'm reading this thinking this could be me. The early weeks and months were shattering, physically and emotionally and my DH and I were beyond shitty with each other. Really not communicating apart from anything to do with the baby for over 6 months. I felt like my brain had fried and the physical side of things completely died. We didn't actually start to feel normal until we got out of the house by ourselves for an evening. We still talked about the baby but we came home feeling like a couple again. Getting a bit tiddly probably helped there too :)

I would say - don't do anything rash and don't for the love of god think that you "can't do" relationships because you could cheerfully throttle him right now despite his best efforts to make it up to you. You've had two long-term relationships that failed, [I wouldn't consider 6 months long term by the way] but you still married DH. He sounds like he is mostly v good to you, loves your DD and your DS and isn't a complete shit in the way many of the posters on here seem to have to deal with.

It was a bad night, you are really tired and fed up. That's fair. It's also v normal and v hard to let go of the anger. You are not the only one in the world to come over all irrational about the state of the hob either :) It's not fair to think that your relationship is coming to an end and it's inevitable. You both just have to work some stuff out, whether it's allocation of tasks or arranging date nights to get yourselves back in the mood.

You are bottle feeding - there has got to be some bonuses to all the MN angst about bfing. Get a babysitter and go out, to belatedly have another go at celebrating your anniversary. Preferably get one who will stay overnight and do the night feeds too [might need a v willing relation for that one though] so you can both have a decent nights sleep. The world will look better but you have to help yourselves and get it sorted. There was a cracking suggestion on an earlier post about trading the night feeds for the nappy changing !! Outstanding suggestion - I am going to see if DH falls for 2.5 yrs of poo in exchange for the night feeds. BFing anyway so I can't get out of it.

You poor thing - you have a 10 week old baby - of course you're exhausted, angry and frustrated! I remember feeling the same way. You're in a 'fog' and it will be a while before it lifts.

Give yourself a break RE housework - so what if the hob isn't 100% clean, or the floor's dirty. Just leave it. If it gets bad enough, your DH may be moved to do something about it, but it's not your priority at the moment so just let it slide.

This will pass, honestly. You affection for your DH will return. Don't be tempted to burn your bridges during this tough phase - it's probably the toughest point of any relationship. Basically, hang in there.