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Relationships

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Original poster

Doomed relationship?

36 replies

loadsawurries · 27/08/2012 21:41

I've been with my bf for 6 years now, on and off for the first 3 but with no break-ups in the past 3 years. On the last break-up, I had had enough of a relationship he had with an ex-girlfriend who he now describes as his best friend. In spite of this, he had never once suggested I meet her, nor had she suggested this. Even when we got engaged this year, she didn't even offer congratulations. From what he has told me about her, she enjoys male attention and has few female friends (alarm bells ringing!) and is also quite insecure. I once checked his phone account and they were texting up to 30 times a day. Even when we went away together (and we have been away just three times in all the time we've been together) she would make a point of texting him and he'd reply, though very secretively - to me couples' holidays are sacrosanct and you just don't intrude by texting friends all the time. Anyway, we eventually broke up and so, with nothing to lose, I told him exactly how I had felt about her intrusion and asked him how he would have felt if I had maintained a close relationship with an ex, including spending the night at hers on two occasions! He admitted he wouldn't like it.

Some months later, we got back together. He had lost a close friend to cancer and was very low....funnily enough, his 'best friend' wasn't there for him and he turned to me, his ex for comfort. I made it clear how I felt about this woman and said that while I wouldn't dream of laying down stupid ultimatums about him contacting her, I wasn't prepared to have her intrude on our limited time together. (we live some distance apart and dont see each other more than once a week).
We went away this summer on out first week away together. Within minutes of landing, he was busy texting. I asked who he was texting and he just said no-one. Several times after that, I spotted him surreptitiously texting and was quickly suspicious that yet again, she was trying to prove a point by intruding on our holiday. I was livid though that he didn't have the decency to just brush her off with a 'talk when I get back'. Eventually, I confronted him and asked outright had he brought this woman away with us again? he denied it, though didn't say who he HAD been on the phone to.... later that afternoon, he made a rather lame excuse that he needed to go for a smoke and a beer - I said I'd join him but he refused to wait for me, saying I could catch him up and rushed out. I'd already seen an unopened text symbol on his phone so immediately suspected he felt the urge to go and reply to her. This left me really upset at the deceit and that he couldn't put her aside for one week. However, i didn't want to spoil the holiday with an argument so I tried to stop worrying about it and we had a nice time for the remainder and he at least wasn't seen texting again.
Today, he has been out all day, ostensibly with his mate from nearby for ' a few beers' - which often turns into a long session and I always avoid phoning/texting as I don't want to be 'checking up on him'. Tonight though, when he'd been out since mid-morning, I thought I'd say hi but he isn't answering his phone or texts. I can't help thinking he has actually gone to be with this woman and that's why he's avoiding my calls......this has happened in the past and he knows I would go ballistic if he had gone out with her.
I feel like I am being eaten up with suspicion and bitterness. I can't prove anything, he would simply deny it or turn it onto me so that I look twisted and unreasonable. I don't even think they are actually having an affair - I simply think this woman enjoys demonstrating her power over him and proving that when she crooks her finger, he comes running. He feels like her knight in armour, there to support her and cannot see what effect this weird relastionship is having on ours.
I have spent most of the day thinking about whether I can carry on with this relationship.....my gut feeling is that he will never change. He seems eager for us to marry and move in except he has done nothing to expedite that - his house still needs ton of work to make it marketable. I can't bear the thought of putting up with this secretive side of him once we live together either.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My initial instinct is always to walk away and, to be fair, I did make that clear to him that I would never put up with the same sh** from him ever again....but part of me remembers how lovely it is when we are together and when this shadow of her isn't there.

sorry for the lengthy post, i am so confused and unhappy.

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 27/08/2012 21:55

You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. Doesn't look great :(

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2012 22:05

She sounds awful and yes, I think she would be getting off on the fact that he's texting her while on holiday with you.

He says he wants to marry you but is doing nothing about it. He says he's not texting her but he clearly is. You only see him once a week and he spends that time texting her.

I'd bin him. Remember how you felt when you last got rid of him and do it again. You can do much better than this.

rightchoice2 · 27/08/2012 22:06

You only see each other once a week yet on a bank holiday Monday he is with friends instead of you. Not a good sign at this stage. If you have to tell him how to treat you after six years and he still ducks and dives it does not look good. I think you know what you need to do. Imagine five or ten years down the line, imagine being married, how would you feel? Time to address this one head on I think. Good Luck.

notagypsy · 27/08/2012 22:06

I'm sorry but I would have been out of this relationship a long time ago, I would not have put up with that. If she truly was "his best friend" she would have wanted to have met you and he would have wanted you to meet her. If you feel there is something to save you have to make him choose. He has to cut contact. Good luck.

MooncupGoddess · 27/08/2012 22:08

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying friends with exes. And I don't think there's anything wrong with texting her on holiday.

But the fact he's never introduced you to each other, and that he's now lying to you about texting her, rings loud alarm bells.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2012 22:19

I missed that bit. They're all right, OP - that's really dodgy behaviour on both parts.

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/08/2012 22:20

You've expressed your concern and asked him to stop texting while on holiday. He dismissed your concerns and carried on with the texting.

I'm not sure she's "exercising her power" as it sounds like he's all too happy to be in constant contact with her. What is he getting from this?

meditrina · 27/08/2012 22:20

You say you've never met her, so I do not see how you can be sure that she is anything at all like his description of her. And indeed, she may be very different indeed, and that would be an obvious reason to ensure your information is only received through him as a filter.

The other point which leapt out at me is that the obvious reason they text like this because they are both enjoying it. Sorry, that is far from what I expect you wanted to hear.

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/08/2012 22:20

Come to that, what's she getting from it?

izzyizin · 27/08/2012 22:24

You've seen him once a week for 6 years and have only managed to go away together on 3 occasions during that time and on each occasion he's brought along his best friend ex in spirit?

This is not a relationship; you're little more than a weekly shag convenience for him.

Providing it suits you to do so, I suggest you tell him that you'll keep him as a fuckbuddy friend with benefits while you look around for a man who's open and honest and knows how to conduct a committed relationship.

If it doesn't suit you to play him at his own game keep him as a fwb, bin him without further ado - preferably by text now

tribpot · 27/08/2012 22:27

And btw you also only have his word for it that she wasn't there for him when he needed a friend, and you were. That sounds like exactly the sort of thing you'd say if you wanted to play on another person's jealousies and/or insecurities. It also isn't supported by any of the more recent evidence about the closeness of their friendship. If you think she's playing him, he's playing you.

Getting texts from your mates when you're on holiday is just part of the nature of texting - people don't know where you are or what you're doing; a phone call might be intrusive, a text can simply be ignored until a more convenient time.

Put simply, the problem isn't her texting him, the problem is him texting her. The problem isn't her, it's him.

SundaysGirl · 27/08/2012 22:34

Echoing other posters here. Also I know this is not very traditional but I always feel it's a good idea to live together for a bit before commiting to spend the rest of your life with each other. Living with someone is a WAY different ballgame than seeing them once a week.

izzyizin · 27/08/2012 22:49

Btw, whatever you decide to do, you get to keep the ring which is some small recompense for tolerating his antics with his ex best friend

Doha · 27/08/2012 22:58

Walk away OP
He has had his chance. He lost you omce over this friend and he is still not prepared to put things right. She doesn't seem like a very nice person either trying to prove she has the power over him.
Let her have him, you deserve so much better.
If you put him on the spot and said her or you--who do you think he would choose???? I think deep down you know the answer to that one. It spunds like he would be with her given half the chance.
Please keep your self respect and bin the bugger now.

TurnipCake · 27/08/2012 22:59

In all the relationships I've been in, my gut feeling has always turned out to be right, so if you're instinct is saying walk away, that's your body's way of looking after you and telling you something is wrong.

As izzy said, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me and it's making you unhappy. There are plenty of men out there who wouldn't behave like your current bf is now

Doha · 27/08/2012 22:59

spunds sounds l think

runamile · 27/08/2012 23:04

You are angry with her for exerting her power over him. All he has to do is ignore her texts! He is getting a lot from this relationship with her. He is pursuing the relationship by choice.

PooPooOnMars · 27/08/2012 23:10

I think you are blaming her too much. He doesn't have to text her back.

StillSquiffy · 27/08/2012 23:10

Yep. Doomed.

I was in same position years ago. I walked away sharpish, and he ended up marrying the 'best mate'

Iwillorderthefood · 27/08/2012 23:19

I do not want to upset you OP but are you sure this woman is not his wife? Once a week only three times away.....hope I am wrong but this is suspicious.

geegee888 · 27/08/2012 23:43

I don't know how you can put up with his awful behaviour. It would alternatively get me down and make me absolutely furious. Doesn't it just put you right off him?

I've been in the position of the female friend by someone who sounds similar, except that when I eventually found out about his girlfriend, I dropped all contact with him. I felt that I was being used to boost his ego and give him attention. He was very secretive, and what you said about him being secretive means he would be an absolute nightmare to live with.

I wouldn't be too sure that she actually knows he has a girlfriend. Or what he is telling her about you.

Seeing him only once a week and conducting your relationship mainly by text is wierd. I think you need to find out what secrets he is hiding and then you can make an informed decision as to whether he is a safe long term bet or not. When I found out the truth about my male friend (that he has a secret girlfriend he'd never mentioned), I lost all interest in him and dropped him like a stone. No doubt he found someone else alongside his girlfriend to bolster his ego.

izzyizin · 27/08/2012 23:44

The crux of the matter is that this relationship is not enhancing your life and it's making you have a distorted and unflattering view of yourself.

In the normal course of events I'm sure you're very far from being suspicious or bitter and that you're not at all twisted or unreaonable, but this man's behaviour is causing you to deviate from all that you can be - and will be once you've removed his, and his ex's, malign presence from your life.

Marrying him won't alleviate your suspicions. It's probable his ex will, effectively, be on honeymoon with you and you'll forever live in fear that he'll go back to her if she beckons.

The fact is that if he's not over her and she's at a loose end not over him, they could reconcile at any time and you may find yourself summarily dumped and literally holding the baby.

Honey, there are a lot of good, honest, guys out there. Why settle for a dishonest man who is making you feel bad about yourself?

tallwivglasses · 27/08/2012 23:49

Does he have a golden willy?

How many years have you wasted on this man?

I agree with Izzy - keep the ring, dump the twunt.

Rowanhart · 27/08/2012 23:52

I've actually been the other woman (not in any form of affair situation!) in a similar scenario to this and wanted to offer a different perspective.

I was with the same person from 20 to 27 and we'd known each other since we were much younger. We broke up as essentially our relationship was sexless
We loved each other but were most definitely not in love with each other. It took,ages to break up,but eventually we did and managed to find a friendship afterwards. I was reply happy as he was such a big part of my life and he was like family to me.

I met by now DH and he was okay with our friendship. He knew the ex really was no threat. Ex met someone else and for a while he kept in touch. She was quite abusive one night when we bumped into them, but the next day she called to apologise. I think at that point their relationship was still new and she was testing the waters.

About six months later and phone and text to keep in touch (but no arranged to face meetings I called as I'd realised I'd left a video in our old house before we split up. He was now living there with her.

I received a text back saying he didn't have it (hurtful as was a childhood video of me and two friends when we were nine) as she'd binned anything to,do with me. He also said he could never see or speak to me again and that I shouldn't text.

It really made me sad to think that a lifetime of memories could be forgotten like that.

It could be the OW in this situation really does just want his friendship. Maybe suggest you meet up together rather than him lie about it? I would have happily got to know the ex's new partner given the chance and would liked it if we could have all been friends.

meditrina · 28/08/2012 07:54

OP: have you met any if his family, or friends who live near him (old school friends maybe)?

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