I've been with my bf for 6 years now, on and off for the first 3 but with no break-ups in the past 3 years. On the last break-up, I had had enough of a relationship he had with an ex-girlfriend who he now describes as his best friend. In spite of this, he had never once suggested I meet her, nor had she suggested this. Even when we got engaged this year, she didn't even offer congratulations. From what he has told me about her, she enjoys male attention and has few female friends (alarm bells ringing!) and is also quite insecure. I once checked his phone account and they were texting up to 30 times a day. Even when we went away together (and we have been away just three times in all the time we've been together) she would make a point of texting him and he'd reply, though very secretively - to me couples' holidays are sacrosanct and you just don't intrude by texting friends all the time. Anyway, we eventually broke up and so, with nothing to lose, I told him exactly how I had felt about her intrusion and asked him how he would have felt if I had maintained a close relationship with an ex, including spending the night at hers on two occasions! He admitted he wouldn't like it.
Some months later, we got back together. He had lost a close friend to cancer and was very low....funnily enough, his 'best friend' wasn't there for him and he turned to me, his ex for comfort. I made it clear how I felt about this woman and said that while I wouldn't dream of laying down stupid ultimatums about him contacting her, I wasn't prepared to have her intrude on our limited time together. (we live some distance apart and dont see each other more than once a week).
We went away this summer on out first week away together. Within minutes of landing, he was busy texting. I asked who he was texting and he just said no-one. Several times after that, I spotted him surreptitiously texting and was quickly suspicious that yet again, she was trying to prove a point by intruding on our holiday. I was livid though that he didn't have the decency to just brush her off with a 'talk when I get back'. Eventually, I confronted him and asked outright had he brought this woman away with us again? he denied it, though didn't say who he HAD been on the phone to.... later that afternoon, he made a rather lame excuse that he needed to go for a smoke and a beer - I said I'd join him but he refused to wait for me, saying I could catch him up and rushed out. I'd already seen an unopened text symbol on his phone so immediately suspected he felt the urge to go and reply to her. This left me really upset at the deceit and that he couldn't put her aside for one week. However, i didn't want to spoil the holiday with an argument so I tried to stop worrying about it and we had a nice time for the remainder and he at least wasn't seen texting again.
Today, he has been out all day, ostensibly with his mate from nearby for ' a few beers' - which often turns into a long session and I always avoid phoning/texting as I don't want to be 'checking up on him'. Tonight though, when he'd been out since mid-morning, I thought I'd say hi but he isn't answering his phone or texts. I can't help thinking he has actually gone to be with this woman and that's why he's avoiding my calls......this has happened in the past and he knows I would go ballistic if he had gone out with her.
I feel like I am being eaten up with suspicion and bitterness. I can't prove anything, he would simply deny it or turn it onto me so that I look twisted and unreasonable. I don't even think they are actually having an affair - I simply think this woman enjoys demonstrating her power over him and proving that when she crooks her finger, he comes running. He feels like her knight in armour, there to support her and cannot see what effect this weird relastionship is having on ours.
I have spent most of the day thinking about whether I can carry on with this relationship.....my gut feeling is that he will never change. He seems eager for us to marry and move in except he has done nothing to expedite that - his house still needs ton of work to make it marketable. I can't bear the thought of putting up with this secretive side of him once we live together either.
I just don't know what to do anymore. My initial instinct is always to walk away and, to be fair, I did make that clear to him that I would never put up with the same sh** from him ever again....but part of me remembers how lovely it is when we are together and when this shadow of her isn't there.
sorry for the lengthy post, i am so confused and unhappy.