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Original poster

Really upset that he's rewriting history

38 replies

bertiebassett · 27/08/2012 11:14

Have posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (will try and link to previous threads when I'm not on phone)...

We are in the process of separating. I am planning on divorcing him due to his unreasonable behaviour. We are stil living in the same house.

I just happened to see a piece of paper where he had written some notes (I wasn't snooping honest). I assume they are notes for his solicitor. Some of the facts are accurate but some are not. The thing that has really got to me (I'm sitting here in tears) is that he appears to be rewriting history.

I guess this is just what people do?

I

OP posts:
Original poster
bertiebassett · 27/08/2012 11:27

A bit of history...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1516692-Ok-so-I-had-the-conversation-with-DH-now-please-keep-me-on-track

OP posts:
ecclesvet · 27/08/2012 11:38

What are the differences between the truth and what he's written?

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2012 11:48

Is there anything that could be harmful in the future (eg denying assaults on you or lying about money?) If not, it may be best to let it go as people do have their own interpretations of events.

Original poster
bertiebassett · 27/08/2012 11:53

Well he's missed out the part where he joined a 'marital affair' website...and the 2 years where he'd been very difficult to live with...and been verbally and emotionally abusive.

He's argued that because I proposed to him and got married to him and then we had IVF I was obviously happy with him. So he has no idea why I would want a divorce...

I did propose and did get married and did want another child with him. I loved him and I kept on thinking that if we just carried on it would eventually get better. I asked him to seek help for his stress. I did my best to support him.

First IVF failed and I cancelled second IVF the minute I found out he'd joined the website. I confronted him...it just felt like the final straw for me.

OP posts:
HildaHotPants · 27/08/2012 12:07

If you are divorcing him, why is he making notes for the sol?

izzyizin · 27/08/2012 12:13

I don't get why you should be in tears over this, bertie.

He's not going to be telling his solicitor your version of events any more than you'll be asking your solicitor to advise you on the basis of his take on the breakdown of your marriage.

If you petition to divorce him citing his unreasonable behaviour it's unlikely that he'll be advised to contest your asssertions, but surely all that matters here is that you know the truth of why you cannot continue to stay in a relationship with him and what he tells others is immaterial.

When are you proposing to file your petition and what plans have been made for him to leave the marital home?

bogeyface · 27/08/2012 12:25

I can see why the OP is so upset actually.

She is divorcing him for the reasons she cites above, but he isnt acknowledging them and is implying that the divorce is all her fault. No, it doesnt really matter what he says, but it still hurts.

OP, emotions are not logical or sensible and sometimes we do react to things that our brains tell us arent important. It just happens like that sometimes.

I agree though that you do need to try and focus on your reasons for doing this. You know you are right to file, you know your reasons are good, you know that you cant continue in the marriage and what he thinks is irrelevant. All his note has done is confirm that you are doing the right thing. Whenever you think of it, remember that.

HissyByName · 27/08/2012 12:27

I'd be sorely tempted to add a few truths to the note... Angry

YOU know the truth, YOU know you can back it up, I know you are disappointed, but if he's been registering for NSA sites, then his character is clearly and inarguably flawed.

You can't (sadly) expect him to be anything else than he already was. Try to step back, gain some distance and perspective and see that this is him JUSTIFYING your decision to end it.

I'm so sorry he's such a twunt. ((((HUG))))

fergoose · 27/08/2012 12:32

And just because he writes something down it doesn't make it true does it.

Nothing would justify him signing up for those type of sites - if that is what he did then he is clearly a flawed person not you. You must not take any blame or responsibility for his disgraceful behaviour. If he didn't want to be with you he could have separated like an adult and not indulged himself, behaved in such a disgraceful way or told so many lies.

Trust me I have been where you are - and it is not your fault or responsibility.

Original poster
bertiebassett · 27/08/2012 12:40

izzy I'm upset because it's just another example of me being fooled by him. I thought he was honest (and i thought he always would be).

He doesn't want anyone to know about the things that he's done. His external appearance is more important than anything. He's already 'warned' me not to tell anyone he works with about the NSA site (or any of the other things he's done).

I'm about to start the divorce proceedings. He's told me that he may contest if he 'doesn't agree' with the reasons I've stated.

OP posts:
fergoose · 27/08/2012 12:41

Erm why the heck should you keep his disgusting behaviour secret? - please don't tell me you have agreed to this?!

That is ridiculous - he behaves in the most disgraceful manner then expects you to keep his dirty little secret!

Lueji · 27/08/2012 12:43

Well he's missed out the part where he joined a 'marital affair' website...and the 2 years where he'd been very difficult to live with...and been verbally and emotionally abusive.

Of course he is missing that.

You will have to get a hard shell and be prepared to confront "his version".
Abusive men are not likely to admit to it. Nor are cheating men.

Original poster
bertiebassett · 27/08/2012 12:43

bogeyface & hissy thanks you're spot on.

He's still in the marital home at the moment. I've managed to persuade him to move out & he's looking at places this week. I really wanted him out before he gets the solicitors letter...

OP posts:
fergoose · 27/08/2012 12:44

My ex was also honest and lovely and decent - except I found out he wasn't. He was a hateful liar looking for encounters on those type of websites. And I have told everybody about his behaviour - and people have been speechless first, he was the last person you would have thought would behave in that way.

But tough, I have told everyone what he has done - if he didn't want people to find out he shouldn't have done it. And the fact that his secret is out there and folk know what he is like has pissed him off more than anything - bonus. And yes, maybe I am a bitch but I don't care.

ladyWordy · 27/08/2012 12:45

Bertieb think I've seen some of your posts on the EA thread? The distortion and omission is typical of this type of person.... Try if you can to focus on being free from him. It's coming at a cost, but your happier new life awaits after this temporary pain.

I gather you haven't been well, and this doesn't help when you need emotional strength. :(

Thinking of you, do post if it helps, we can only offer comfort from afar but we're here nonetheless....

Lueji · 27/08/2012 12:45

If he agrees to the divorce and there are no undesirable consequences for you, maybe it is best to keep it neutral until the divorce is final.
Then you can tell anyone you want.

No point in "being right" or even having him recognising what he did to you. You are getting rid of him and that is the outcome you should earn for.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2012 12:46

Solicitors are used to seeing one person's view of things - I'm sure many eyebrows are raised when someone who claims they've behaved in an exemplary manner turns out to have been a complete bastard.

It's obvious he would paint himself in a good light. Don't forget you will have the chance to put your case forward and he hasn't a cat in hell's chance of appearing like the good guy when he's been on sites like that.

bogeyface · 27/08/2012 12:46

"Warned" in what sense? If he is threatening you (be it with violence, money or something to do with the divorce or DCs) then you need to take this to your solicitor to tell him for eff the eff off. You are at liberty to tell whoever the hell you like about his shitty behaviour and there is not one thing he can do about it.

Sounds like this is a man far too used to getting his own way. Good for you for standing up to him. Keep going, dont let this excuse for a human being bully you.

Lueji · 27/08/2012 12:47

I forgot to add, to avoid a messy divorce.
If you can get an easy, quick one, the better for you.

Original poster
bertiebassett · 27/08/2012 12:47

Well fergoose I have told a few people (for support).

The thing is I don't actually want to to be telling everyone and their dog what he's done. I don't DO that sort of thing...I'm not one for revenge or getting my own back.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 27/08/2012 12:51

I'm not one for revenge or getting my own back.

You sound like you are Bertie but the point is that he has NO RIGHT to be telling you who you can and cant talk to. He didnt have that right when you were together, he certainly doesnt have it now.

Him being worried that you might mention it to people could be useful in the future, dont agree to anything!

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2012 12:51

Bertie - it's standard practice. Mostly because if he is guilty in any way, he won't like that feeling - so he will re-write history to make his own behaviour seem reasonable, somehow make it more your fault than his, and then he can stop feeling uncomfortably guilty.

Thing is as well, is that he will end up actually believing his own version of events and there's nothing you can do about it, except get your version out there first - but if that's not something you want/like to do then maintaining a dignified silence on all of it is your next best move.

bogeyface · 27/08/2012 12:51

Arrgghh!! You DONT sound like you are! Sorry!

fergoose · 27/08/2012 12:53

Well it isn't just about revenge is it - why should he get away with behaving in such a way and looking like such a decent person when he clearly isn't.

I told people for support - not revenge.

izzyizin · 27/08/2012 12:55

On grounds of cost alone it's highly unlikely that he'll be advised to contest your petition, bertie, and more especially if, for example, you cite his joining x, y, or z site as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour and can support your allegation(s) with proof positive such as screen shots, computer history etc.

Given that you know he's capabe of dishonesty it shouldn't come as any great surprise or be a cause of undue upset when he runs to form should it?

To me, it's more surprising that you're still harbouring illusions about him long after the rosy specs have been binned thanks to him smashing them.