Really upset that he's rewriting history

[bertiebassett]

Have posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (will try and link to previous threads when I'm not on phone)...

We are in the process of separating. I am planning on divorcing him due to his unreasonable behaviour. We are stil living in the same house.

I just happened to see a piece of paper where he had written some notes (I wasn't snooping honest). I assume they are notes for his solicitor. Some of the facts are accurate but some are not. The thing that has really got to me (I'm sitting here in tears) is that he appears to be rewriting history.

I guess this is just what people do?

I

I know you should just ignore it but it's so hard not to care.

My ex seems to have done the same. He joined Facebook of Sex (or something) and had a profile etc, he had an affair with a 17 year old and I saw all the messages and photos of them, read all the emails where he told her all about what it was like to have sex with someone after they had given birth, where she asked him to do sexual things to me and think of her (and the bastard actually did them) etc etc, he drank to much and was abusive, he treated me like dirt, spoke to me like I was nothing.

But since we split up he's been feeling very hard done by, tells me how he was never allowed out and was the perfect partner. He denies things we both know happened and he seems to think he is telling the truth!

It's like he lives in another world. It really gets to me, it makes me so mad that I can't put it into words. I know I have to let it go but I understand how hard it is and the injustice of it all.

I think it's being unrealistic to expect men to admit their faults or even that they've done anything wrong. I know this won't be popular. But it's a fact of life. That's what I've found anyway.

izzy my 'reasons' on the petition are going to be quite vague. I'm not going to cite the NSA thing as I didn't actually keep any evidence (he doesn't know this though!).
At the time (although I was devastated) I thought we could work through it...I thought he'd be incredibly sorry and would do everything in his power to make it up to me...but I was wrong

thumbwitch dignified is what I'm aiming for!

once you're divorced you can tell the world what you know... if you so decide.

be strong for now, use the fact that you have this information on the NSA stuff as YOUR insurance policy if you need to, just refuse to be intimidated. YOU didn't do anything wrong.

He's in NO position to warn you of anything.

Well I might not have proof of the NSA account but I did log a DV incident with the police and my solicitor...he doesn't want anyone to know about that either (and doesn't know it's logged).

I know that do many of you have been through this. It's just so hard. I don't want people to think badly of me...

why would you need proof of the NSA account though?

And also why would anyone think badly of you - they will just feel disgust towards him, is not your fault he did what he did. He is a grown man who made his own stupid decisions.

Hey bertie, I can completely understand why you're so upset. It's shattering to see the foundations of what you know and believe being swept away, I know I struggle to understand how my NSDH can interpret events so differently, and not be absolutely ashamed of his behaviour to the point of wanting to do the right thing always from now on. But it's too deeply ingrained in them. It's second nature to twist events and rewrite history to their own benefit.

Your job now is to completely detach from him. Acknowledge that he's going to be like this at every turn, expect it. Expect the absolute worst from him in every situation. Expect him to lie, to accuse, to deny. And then you can mentally prepare for it and it wont be a surprise and wont make you feel so awful.

That all sounds so easy to just say 'do that'! I know it's hard, and will continue to be. Stay strong.

If you are citing unreasonible behaviour, he just has to agree with it. Any solicitor worth their salt will tell him to agree with the reasons for devorce.

So he'd be mad to contest it then? That's what I thought...

pony how are you?

I'm afraid I'm finding it increasing hard to detach....Once he's moved out I'm hoping it will be easier...

Forewarned is forearmed, bertie.

It's highly unlikely that he'll be advised to contest a measured account of his unreasonable behaviour, but if he's got the financial werewithal to do so he will find a solicitor willing to mount a challenge - or, more probably, he may opt to steal a march on you by filing his own petition to divorce citing your unreasonable behaviour before yours is filed.

Please bear in mind that logging a dv incident with a solicitor/police/other agency is merely evidence that you made an allegation of dv against him and it cannot be seen as proof positive that the incident occurred unless, of course, he admitted to the incident or was found guilty by a court of law.

On the other hand, it should be relatively easy to substantiate any allegation you should make in respect of websites that he's signed up to.

To reiterate what pony has said, he's proved that he's capabe of underhand and deceitful behaviour and, as there's no reason to suppose that he's going to change his ways anytime soon, you are best advised to expect the worst.

izzy thanks for the advice.

You seem to know lots about this type of issue. So how could I substantiate the website if I don't have any screen shots of the emails and messages he'd received from the women he was communicating with? I can't believe now that I didn't copy them...how stupid am I...

Anyway he's told me he closed the NSA account (which he only opened 'out of curiosity' of course) and I'm pretty sure he would have removed all evidence of it by now...