how do I help my unhappy girlfriend?

[sadchap]

She is wonderful, intelligent, inquisitive, brave, driven, kind, talented, gentle, earnest, moral, well-read, funny, an awesome cook, can push herself up mountains... and spends a lot of her life depressed or dysthymic, is easily annoyed by her (slightly mad) family, has mild aspergers (diagnosed), is a bit of a hypochondriac, is quite negative about her career, and is inclined to believe she's a failure at everything.

She really isn't a failure, but is currently perseverating about the fact she's finding it hard to find work, and comparing herself negatively to lots of our friends who have perhaps chosen easier career paths, found partners earlier, had higher salaries, bought houses, had kids, etc. We are scientists, which means contract jobs until your mid-30s and then if you're really lucky a permanent job. I was lucky to get a permanent job a few years ago, but she hasn't, and she knows that she is competing against an ever-younger, ever more-relevantly-educated field, and is feeling she'll never find a job, never be able to buy a house, never have a functional family life.
It isn't helped by the fact she has a few friends who have chosen the same career path (academic science) who are not only really really brilliant, but who have also had very good starts in life (academic establishment rich parents who've known exactly how to nurture their kids' careers).

Her career has been one of spectacular highs and a lot of lows, largely because of the aspergers. Her whole family isn't very social so she spent years at uni learning cues that other people learnt aged 5. She doesn't care much about her appearance, which gets judged by other people, unfairly (that makes them shallow, obviously, but she doesn't understand that that's what they're responding to). She isn't great at reading body language, and can be a bit impetuous (particularly when responding with devastating retribution when someone's said something really stupid). So she does make enemies, and she gets a lot of job interviews but they generally don't translate into jobs.

I'm trying to just be there for her. But she is almost pulling away from me - she's started looking for jobs in other countries, and last night she offered to leave so that I can have kids and a normal life with someone else. She seemed to be afraid that I would resent not having kids later on (we're both 36), because she doesn't really want kids and isn't in a good enough place mentally or financially to have them at the moment.

I don't want someone else! I want a happier life with her! While I would like kids, I'd rather we were both happy and healthy and together - kids would be a bonus, that's all. i don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave, and I've said that - but also if the only way she can find a job is to temporarily move somewhere else, that might be ok if it helps her. As academics we can't really assume we could both have a job in the same place. It's not going to help if I give up my career to be with her somewhere, at least not until she gets a completely tenured stable job, which could take years, and in the current climate, might not happen.

She is so unhappy. What can I do?

I've come here asking for help because there will probably be lots of women about my girlfriend's age here, who have been through similar things. Also because she has discussed Mumsnet with our friends (who have kids) so with luck she may see this?

Having read a few posts above mine I wonder if I am being a bit naive in my last paragraph. Would agree with everyone else that counselling seems the most important thing here - a psychotherapist rather than someone who has done a six month counselling course.

Agree psychotherapy(not cbt) cd be helpful before looking at anything else. In particular one using transactional analysis may help.

Farrow, if the OP's girlfriend has only relatively recently been diagnosed, then her family may have little understanding of her condition. They may be making what to them seem like helpful suggestions about clothing and looks which 'make sense' to them, like 'why don't you dress more smartly for an interview?' or 'why do you always wear jeans with holes'- but don't make sense from a different mind-set. It is far from clear they are being nasty, rather they may not know how to cope with someone in their mid late-thirties still dressing like a teenager and being angry at the world (whilst not succeeding as much as they would like within it).

I am all for moving gently away from toxic families, but families (if basically nice) can be a massive support for those with conditions which require that extra understanding, they may also need help themselves to realise it. But suggesting people with few or no friends move away from their families is really not a good idea in my opinion, even if they are a bit crap/clumsy/fail to understand nuances. In this post, only the OP seems to understand his girlfriend, colleagues don't, no friends, family don't, the trouble is that this leaves her very vulnerable and without the very network of support which she requires.

I agree Mumsyblouse, but it was OP's statement that they tend to judge her and put her down that lead me to think there was more to it than that.

...and actually, if you re feeling a bit pants, a gentle chip chip chipping away by a critical person is not supportive

Yes, I agree, it may be that a gentle discussion with them about how Asperger's manifests itself, and how this is an issue for the Op's girlfriend may help, just asking them not to mention it as it is a sore subject.

But, I do think that, according to this picture, the OP's girlfriend feels misunderstsood and judged by everyone, and I'm not sure everyone is very judgemental (I have lots of friends and colleagues who are on the more eccentric or don't dress 'nicely' or have mild Aspergers or other conditions, at work and I hope I don't judge them). I think if you feel down, it's easy to feel the world is against you, and that's why this depression/world view does need to be gently questioned.

sorry not to come back for a bit - have been busy. Thankyou all for all these very helpful thoughts.

We have talked a bit about ideas on specialised counselling, and she agrees that it could probably be helpful. We have both seen the "world is against me" issue for a while and identified it as partly her mindset and partly others' reactions. I agree with people on her that a lot of her spiky "attitude" is unhappiness and insecurity, and she independently identified feeling slightly better when she asserts herself, and agreed that that isn't entirely healthy.

We've also talked about clothes a bit and she agreed that it's something where she does stand out, as well as something where she gets aggro from other people who would otherwise probably be benign or at least neutral towards her. Some of her dislike of wearing "nicer" clothes is the feeling she can't sit comfortably, e.g. so that she doesn't destroy the knees of tweed trousers by sitting cross-legged all day, or have to wash a good jumper too frequently and have it fall apart. So there's a bit of just plain frugality here as well as the sensory/ liking routine things that I was interpreting!

We talked about that in the context of her feeling self-defined by her job and probably being happier if she is in a job that she likes, and I said I'd happily buy her new clothes all the time, and pay for counselling, if that would help with the job stuff! (I also pointed out that I sit cross legged at my desk too, and it doesn't destroy jeans, so maybe some new jeans...? :-)

The family are a bit mad in some ways. I don't think they're "toxic" like a lot on here. The women are just very much into self-definition by appearance. Our mothers are insecure women of their generation, who have been totally shaped by the gaze of others - they have no sense of self beyond what someone else thinks of them, their clothes, their house, their husband's job, their children's clothes, their children's jobs, etc. - which is not totally surprising if all they've ever heard is that they have to dress well/do well at school/simper nicely in order to be noticed by others and therefore have any worth.

So it's not surprising that our sisters, having been brought up by these women, have a lot of that "performing for the attention of others" about what they do in life... My GF rejected all that very early on and kind of went the other way. So she does charity work and runs marathons but doesn't talk about any of that, whereas the sisters are constantly demanding attention because they ... have a new sofa... and everything they say is about subtle put-downs of other "competitors" because they are intelligent enough to be worried that others might not be interested. They behave quite differently to women versus men, in a way that is slightly fascinating and a bit horrible to watch. Many men really like it - I find it a bit pathological .

So a lot of their niggling about clothes happens in a context where my GF is describing her exciting life as a scientist hunting fossils in Namibia and Siberia, and the attention isn't going to the perfectly-turned-out sister and sister-in-law and their perfectly-dressed kids in their perfectly-decorated houses...

GF can sometimes be happy to just shake her head and smile as we get in the car and drive away from all that, but often she finds it all much harder. I think counselling/ psychotherapy will help to push all this away to somewhere where it doesn't really matter.

Thankyou all again for listening. You have really helped.

You've been given some good advice here. The only thing I can add is: don't forget that YOU are an equal partner in this relationship and equally deserving to feel loved and supported. You sound like a sensitive and very caring person, but it's important to remember that it isn't a healthy dynamic in a relationship for one person to be the emotional 'carer', taking on responsibility for the other persons happiness.

The fact that she's talked of moving right away to let you get on with a 'normal' life indicates that she knows she is 'hard work' (I don't mean that disrespectfully and I'm very aware that she has a diagnosis and depression etc) Its just a plain fact though. People with depression or other factors which make life a struggle can be hard work to those around them and it's important that she is able to take ownership of her life rather than leaning on you beyond what's reasonable

She is clearly a clever and skilled person and has a lot going for her but needs to address the other areas of life where she is struggling in order to feel contentment.