Is it worth breaking up my family?

[InelegantlyWasted]

DP went out yesterday, as he does most weekends. He was drinking heavily most of the day. He came home at about 2am. He made a lot of noise, crashing about and falling over. This woke up our DS, and I went into his bed to sleep with him for reassurance.
At about 3.30am DP started making more noise, staggering about, going to the loo, being sick, turning lights on and off etc.
When DS and I got up at 7am he had gone to bed. There was vomit all over the armchair and the floor in the front room, more in the bathroom and a massive pile of it on our bedroom floor.
I cleaned up in the front room and the bathroom, the smell in the bedroom was so awful I couldn't bear it. DP was fast asleep.
I couldn't wake him before I had to go to work this afternoon and TBH I wasn't happy leaving a four year old with someone in that kind of state. I managed to get MIL to have DS so he could sleep it off.
I got home tonight and it's as if nothing had happened. A cursory attempt has been made to clean up the sick in the bedroom but there is a horrible stain. No apology, no explanation, no thanks for finding a babysitter. And there's a half eaten Chinese takeaway just left all over the kitchen.
I could cry, I really could. This isn't a one off either, he drinks himself into oblivion most weekends. I just want him to leave, but I don't know how to tell him. What a mess.

Well, I didn't manage to talk to him last night because he didn't get in from work until gone midnight. I am feeling in a good place about the situation today though and I am ready to tell him I don't want us to live together anymore. I am going to ask him to leave. We have some money in savings that he can have to put down as a deposit on a place. If he doesn't want to leave then I will sell this place and we will all have to find somewhere else to live.
I went on the Entitled To website last night and that has gone some way to ease my worries about money. I'm sure I could also rely on my family for some help if I really needed to, they're not the greatest fans of DP as I'm sure you can imagine!
Calpurnia, I know what you mean about nothing ever being his fault. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything and is always quick to blame others. It makes me very angry. Well done on getting out. Stay strong, stories like yours inspire me to stay the course.

Good luck, I think you're making the right decision.

Good luck. You will be making a massive improvement to yours and your DSs lives by no longer having to live with this man.

I'm really glad your resolve is sounding strong. Here's my story to hopefully keep it up there.

My ex (and father of my DS1) was and is an alcoholic. His dad was/is one and lots of his uncles as well. He would deny this was the case, but they always do. He was a lovely person in most other respects, always a happy/bumbly drunk. He'd sometimes go for ages without touching it then go on a massive bender, spending hundreds of pounds and not going to work for a few days. While I was pregnant, I took his stuff to his mum's once and left myself once. It didn't stop him. When DS was 3 months old, we argued about him going out again, he went out anyway, drank 5 or 6 pints then got into my car (not stupid or drunk enough to take his own much more expensive car, see) and drove into town to go to a nightclub. The police picked him up and he got banned for nearly 3 years. We had to move, because he couldn't get to work otherwise. There were endless promises of everything being better, but one of the first weekends we were in our new home he went out on a rugby night out, having promised just to have a few an be home by 11pm. He came home at silly o'clock, with a girl he'd picked up - not in that way, but because she'd missed her taxi and couldn't get home. So kind in some ways, but I came downstairs in the morning with my 7-month old and there was a strange woman sleeping on my couch. I then had to drive her home (about an hour's round trip). After an horrendous six months like that, I was on the verge of leaving, till ex gave up the drink. He have up for 5 months. Things got a lot better between us. Then he decided he wanted to start again, and so did everything else. In the end, when I came downstairs and he was passed out on the sofa again after coming in at whatever time, and DS was poking at him on the sofa, I thought 'This is not the life I want for DS'. We left a week later. It was hard, and I've often felt angry at ex that he threw away what was essentially a pretty good relationship, but I couldn't carry on. There really had been no consequences for him at all for all the crap he'd put us through, I'd been the one who suffered as a result. I always regretted not leaving earlier, maybe that would have been the kick he'd needed.
There were also ongoing problems with him picking up DS and stinking of beer, I had to call the police one morning and it all got a bit ugly. He was over the limit, but I'd wasted so much time pleading with him not to put DS in the car (nearly 2 hrs) that he was just under when they tested him. But if I'd let him take DS and something had happened, I'd never have forgiven myself.

Wow Ponygirl. Well done on being brave and getting out. It's so hard. DP isn't home from work yet. I'm waiting for him to get in and DS to go to bed so I can talk to him. I'm so fucking scared, not of being on my own or coping without him - I know I can do that - it's the actual act of telling him that scares me witless. I wish I could fast forward 24 hours and for it all to be out in the open.
Then tomorrow I have to talk to my boss at work about whether it will be possible to reduce my hours or if I will have to give my notice. Scary times. I feel sick.

If it's scary telling him, do you have someone else you can have around or on hand? Preferably a great big strong friend? Or someone you ask to 'pop round' about 30 minutes after you plan on telling him? Something like that?

If you're worried he's going to kick off, tell him in a public place, maybe?

What are you going to say, are you just talking to him about how you feel, or are you asking him to leave? blackcurrants is right, if you're worried about him getting nasty, see if someone else can be there at some point at least.

Stay strong. You can do this.

I have decided I am going to say that I don't want us to live together anymore. That is, if he ever flipping comes home tonight. He's still not back from work yet and I've tried ringing him twice but there's no answer.
It's as if he knows something is up and is deliberately avoiding me. He knows I'm angry because I've slept in the front room for the last two nights. But he can't know I'm going to end it. I haven't told anyone at all in RL. I'm too scared if I tell anyone I might change my mind.
Where the bloody hell is he? He's got DS with him as well and he knows I don't like him keeping him out with him past 9pm

A drunk is out with your DS at this time of night and you can't get hold of him? What time was he meant to be back??

He's not drunk today. He's at work, sometimes he takes DS with him.

Why is ds with him at work? Sorry I have read most posts but can't find it. OK I'm sure he will be home soon.

Earlier in thread OP says that her DH can take DS to work.

Well okay - he's not drunk today that you know of. And your DS is 4 years old .. what time was he meant to be back?

X posted. Ok Tribot, let's not make things worse or worry OP, there's nothing she can do right at the minute and I'm sure it's ok.

The sooner you talk to your h and tell him it's over OP, your life must be so bloody stressful .

The sooner you talk to your h the better, I meant.

Some days he takes DS to work with him, perhaps once or twice a week. He took him a couple of times when DS was small and DS really enjoyed himself and P's work don't mind him tagging along.
I don't like it when he works into the evening with him though. Just wish he'd either come home or answer the phone though.

He wouldn't be drunk at work Tribpot, he's a driver. If he lost his job he wouldn't have any money to buy drink or fritter away in bastarding Ladbrokes would he?
Sometimes I'm not sure who I hate more, him for being such a tossed or me for having put up with it for so long!

Keep talking here if you like, keep your mind off it? It will be fine. But this is just another reason why you can't live like this.

My dh drinks a lot too btw - but it doesn't impact on the family. He doesn't drink and drive, he doesn't stay out late or later than he says he will, he doesn't puke or wet the bed, he doesn't get angry or abusive, he doesn't binge or miss work, he never lets the dc down or fails to get up in the morning etc. And yet it still bothers me so I can only imagine how bloody desperate you feel.

Well he came back just as I was going into panic mode. They had stopped at the seaside on the way back from work for fish and chips and to play in the arcades.
And then after I had put DS to bed I sat him down and I told him. I'm not sure what I'd expected, I think I thought he would be furious. He didn't shout at all. I think it came from so far out of left field that he couldn't quite believe it.
He said that I'm selfish and that all he does is work his guts out every day so that we can have nice things. He says I go off on holidays and don't ever go away with him. He said a lot of stuff that on the one hand makes me sound like a terrible person, and I got quite upset and he has made me feel very guilty. But on the other hand, the more I think about what he said the less of it is actually true.

Sounds like he went on the attack cos he had.no.defence , honestly. remember what is true, and don't. let it get to you. x

Well done girl! I remember the sick feeling of dread so well. You overcame it though & have taken a giant step towards improving your life & your son's life. Proud of you.

Hi op. my exp has similar issues with alcohol. He didn't go out every weekend but he wanted to. Every time he went out he would get drunk and wet the bed - often with me in it. I recognised the cursory attempts at clearing up. Sometimes he would insist on getting up turning all the lights in and loading the washing machine at 4am. It was exhausting. I banned him from sleeping in the bed if he had been drinking so then he would wee all over the sofa and my throw. In the noting he would slink off to work having shoved the throw in the machine (but leave me to switch it in) or put the throw on the line - as of that was enough. He would comply with sleeping restrictions to a degree but only to shut me up. What really hurt me was that he was never able to just curb his drinking to prevent me having such a horrible experience. The last time he went our before we split he promised me he would have 2 drinks and come home but it still happened and he wrt the bed and I was back to square one. His friends thought it was amusing I got so arsey about it (how terribly high maintenance of me to object to bring urinated on!). So they encouraged and goaded him in to always drinking more than he should.
Once I nearly put 3 month old dd down in a puddle of wee on the sofa. I was leaving that time except he came how with the news there was a family bereavement which I was v upset about so he got away with it by distraction.
This situation never improved. He could go months without going out but then he would and it was same old every time.
Obviously he was a horrible drunk too and was threatening and unbelievably spiteful.
I was told numerous times I overreacted to this issue and 'does it really matter?'. Clearly it did and he has no respect for me - looking back I don't know why I ever thought he did

Thanks Tucking! I feel quite proud. I don't have that sicky feeling in my tummy anymore. I've said it now and it can't be un-said.

I know exactly what you mean Crackcrack.
I remember the first time he wet himself when he was drunk. We had only been together a couple of weeks and I naturally assumed it was a one off. I'm really ashamed to say that he weed all over DS's changing mat one night when DS was a baby.

Kill him