lies lies lies

[raspberyfool]

I have posted under another name but realised that if DH digs he will spot profile name a mile off as always use it for everything.

Background is DH left in June saying all the lines. I need time to think, its not you it's me, I haven't loved you for years etc.

After he left I begged him to come back and he then started to character assasinate me, Im fat ( I only had a baby 5 months before he left) I was still wearing maternity jeans, we never talk etc. Cut me to pieces and then said sorry and i believed him.

I found out 3 weeks ago he has a new GF been going out with her for 9 weeks. He states happened after he left as he wanted to be happy.

This week he visited the DC and was so nice and even stated that he missed me, next time he came he was vile and reduced me to tears and said that I was a head case. He tells me all about his GF and asks relationship advise and says he has no one to talk to but me about her and that he hates his whole life. The next day his life is perfect.

He is totally playing with me and I'm fed up with all the games and lies. I have caught him out on so many things. A day before I found out about GF he swore blind he did not have one.

My question to you guys is how do I stopped getting suckered in and feeling sorry for him or believing his lies. Is there set lies they all say eg i miss you, sometimes I think I have made a mistake.

Some days I'm soo good and know I'm totally better off without him, then we have a nice conversation and I miss him, once he realises I'm vulnerable he verbally attacks me and reduces me to tears or tells me all about how his GF is so much more perfect than I am.

If you got this far thanks for reading, could really do with you wisdom

I am afraid the best way to protect yourself is zero contact, unless absolutely necessary. Do not engage with him about anything except children. There is nothing else to say is there?

He visits? - well you need to stop that immediately. He needs to have contact away from you and away from your home. And if needs be you need someone else there with you at handover if possible? Verbally attacking you has to stop.

Do you have a solicitor - if not I would advise you get one and pronto.

I think it's wish fulfilment. You desperately want to believe that he's going to regret leaving and come back to you. And like many wishes, it will be better if it doesn't come true, as he sounds like a selfish, insensitive tosspot. Asking you for relationship advice about his GF? Is he for real??

Start with the premise that everything he says to you is either a lie, or said for his convenience, or both. And have as little contact as possible with him in order to allow your mind to clear. The only contact you need to have is to facilitate him seeing the DC. For the rest of it, until and unless he's ready to talk in a mature fashion about the future of your relationship (which frankly sounds like 'never') he's just dead weight dragging you down.

So instead of being suckered by him, why don't you think about you for once and what things you can be doing for you whilst he's visiting the DC? Gym trip? Cinema? Trip to the park with a good book? All of these things will make you feel better than wasting head space on what makes this guy act like a git.

maybe he could see the children through a friend or contact centre so you have little contact as possible. tell him if he has problems he needs to tell anyone but you as you are not intrested. try not to let him see that vulnerable but if you mimise contact this wont be a problem. go out with friends take the children to play centers and parks. try and get a baby sitter so you can have an afternoon lunch on your own. distraction is the key here distarct yourself as much as possible. he doesnt sound like a very nice man so your not missing anything.

My problem is he does not have suitable accomodation to have the DC ages 7 months and 4 1/2 years, so he has to come to my house to see them. Each time he comes I do not know if it will be the please feel sorry for me DH or the I hate you DH.

Your right about me wishing to believe he may come back. If I'm trueful I want him back but know 100% that it would never work. I have looked hard at our relationship and I realise that I always supported him through illness and loss of jobs etc. But when I needed him he really could not be bothered. On our honeymoon he would rather have a drinking game with someone that have an early night with his new wife!

He has conversations where he tells me how bad his life is and the last nugget from him was " I could quite happily walk into incoming traffic that how bad my life is " Thirty minutes later he is on the train off to see his GF.

I Know he is a waste of space and that I really am better off without him. The problem is we were together over 15 years and he knows all the buttons to press to make me feel sorry for him, or to destroy me.

Its the moments of weekness I hate. I just need to get past the fact that he is not who I thought he was and that maybe he never was.

My problem is he does not have suitable accomodation to have the DC ages 7 months and 4 1/2 years

Actually that's his problem, not yours. If you are feeling generous, you can still allow him contact at your house (with internal doors appropriately locked, in my view!) and go out. Alternatively he can take them out. Leave him to sort that out.

You don't need either the please feel sorry for me DH or the I hate you DH in your life. What could either possibly be adding to it? One's a drain on your goodwill, the other's just a shitbag.

i agree - not your problem. He chose his new life, he will have to go and live it, and deal with all the problems that incurs for him.

And if you continue to have conversations with him his behaviour will not stop. He left your home, he now no longer needs to step one foot into that home. He needs to make alternative arrangements to see the children away from you.

It is time you took back some control of your life. You having a few small crumbs of comfort from him when you see him hoping he will be nice to you is really not going to make him want to come back to you nor is it going to make him into the nice man you hope he is. Trust me, I found out after 16 years the man who I thought was a hero and a decent bloke really was worse than a piece of scum on my shoe.

It is a huge, massive thing to get your head around - but get your head around it you must, and asap. You need to stop all conversations with him - until you do that you are not protecting yourself are you?

"My problem is he does not have suitable accomodation to have the DC ages 7 months and 4 1/2 years"

Tribpot beat me to it, thats his problem not yours.

Who says the accommodation is unsuitable anyway? Why is it unsuitable? And if it really is unsuitable then you'll have to use a contact centre.

Honestly, don't have him in your home or speak to him about anything other than children.

God its such a mess. The house is technically ours as we put down twelve months rent then he walked out 2 weeks later.
My solicitor said until the divorce is through ( i'm filing it as adultery and he's agreed to sign as that even though he says the GF happened after we split, but I'm not so sure) I have to let him visit the DC here. In the divorce he is signing the contract of the house over to me.

God when I write it down I realise what a true mess and how week I sound. He only sees the DC once a fortnight ( except last week was twice) and in the middle where I have not spoken to him for days I feel so good and happy.

But then as it nears contact day I start to get aprehensive. I have told him I dont want to hear his business but he then suckers me in. My problem has always been that I help the poor guy and he plays that card so well sometimes.

I appreciate you guys listening and helping me. All the things you have said is true and deep down I know he is totally screwed up and in the wrong. but when its just him and me it seems he is my puppet master and can manipulate me at all times.

I need to be strong I used to be such a strong stubbon person and now I hardly recognise myself :(

I'm not sure I entirely believe your solicitor, to be honest. I'd post on Legal Issues for advice on that. But either way, you don't have to see him at the house even if that's where he visits your DC. Why can't you go out?

You need to be tougher. Not just say you don't want to hear his business but keep repeating this like a broken record and walk away. You may have a desire to help the needy but this guy is a taker. He doesn't need your help, he feeds off your energy. It's very common, btw, for this type of personality to go after a strong person to drag down. You can rediscover your strong self but not whilst you have this voice in your ear all the time.

Make him take them out.
Or go out yourself.
Or stay in another room.
And don't talk to him except to discuss the DCs.

Tripot your totally right my friends call him a suckubus not sure if have spelt this right as he always takes everything from me and leaves and empty shell just like the mythical greek woman does. I do need to get stronger and tell him its his business.

Maybe each time I wobble I should just post on here. My friend recommended this site and she was right. Its nice to know I'm not alone and that this really is not on what he is doing. I should stop trying to help him as he has made his choice and I need to help me.

Sorry - I don't believe your solicitor either.

Other have said it but it's like this - he can't make you feel shit if you don't sit here and talk to Jim - anyway he should be playing with the dc.
Make him agree set times to visit and be ready to leave when gets there. Go shopping, a walk, arrange to see a friend anything?!! Get in to the habit of doing it and he will learn. Only be available to discuss the dc and keep it short. Make sure he leaves when you come back.
Get some control!

And you can definitely always post here - Mumsnet doesn't do much in the way of 'poor you, have a hug' sympathy, we prefer the more robust 'kick the fucker to the kerb' kind of sympathy

Your all right next time he comes I'm going straight out and then will be back just before he leaves. And I quite like the kick the fucker to the kerb sympathy its what I need.

thanks guys I needed the pep talk. Off to bed know ready for the night feeds and 6 am wake ups :)

You've got nearly a fortnight til the next contact visit, I think? Plenty of time for you to order your WonderWoman costume (a metaphorical one, he might get the wrong idea if you wear a real one when he next visits) and take some MN advice on your solicitor's opinion about contact. Seriously, I don't believe that him having paid rent entitles him to contact visits at a family home after he has left the marriage.

Your solicitor is talking out of their arse.

It's entirely reasonable for the father of your dc to have regular contact with them, but it's entirely unreasonable to expect that you should facilitate this in your home and hold his hand while he pours out his various tales of woe and joy.

If he wants contact with the dc he can join the other part-time dads in the park, or in McDs, or in any location except the one where you'll be and, when he has contact, he should be enjoying quality time with them and focusing his full attention on interacting with them - not with you.

Don't bother kicking him into touch or into the kerb. Kick him into orbit around planet offufuck and make it crystal clear to him that you are not remotely interested in hearing anything about his 'new' life, or his old one.

Putting your fingers in your ears and singing 'la la la' next time he starts rabbiting on may give him a hint of how it's going to be from hereon in, but earphones and ipod will be equally effective at tuning him out.

Best wishes RF for the future; you will receive such great support from MN! I did! x

Izzy. You are my hero.

What a shit RF :(
Ignore his poor me act and like others have said before me, do not engage in this kind of conversation with him, blank him, change the subject, laugh at him, leave the room or whatever you can do.
Personally, in your situation I'd be waiting ready to leave as he arrived with a polite "DC are in the living room, I'll be back just before you're ready to leave, see ya" Go shopping or visiting friends/family...anything, just remove yourself from the situation and it gives your DC his undivided attention instead of him focusing on you.

You will get stronger, keep coming here for support and advice and soon he'll realise you just don't care if he fucks the fuck off back to fuckwit land when he's finished visiting.
Good luck x

If you have to speak to him, try 'Oh dear,' or 'Really?' or 'Oh well...' or 'Maybe you should discuss this with your girlfriend.'

If that fails send him this

I have it on my fridge and just point to it occasionally.

I wouldn't speak a single word to him I'm afraid. Hand over children by third party. Ghastly man. Don't indulge him.

Thanks for all your replies. I've had an ok day today keeping myself busy, not hard with a 4 year old and a 7 month old.

I'm having a real wobble and need a kick up the bum.

DH calls to speak to DD1 every Mon/Wed/fri between 630 and 7. Two Mondays ago I had to call him as was ten past 7 and no call his excuse was he was getting some phone credit rest of the week fine. Last Monday he did not call again so I called and he said would call Tues, surprise surprise com Tues no call his excuse he had a headache and was asleep rest of the week fine.

Today is Monday and guess what ....... no call. I have resisted calling him as I think that is what he wants. I'm so desperate to send a text and explain that our DD1 was waiting for his call as she knows todays Monday and her words "Monday's daddy call day".

Is he playing mind games or am I giving him too much credit or is it that he is so wrapped up in new GF who he visits each weekend that his kids aren't in his mind.

Come on girls give me your wisdom :)

oh and Tallwivglasses I love the link need to hang one of those by my phone :)