lies lies lies

[raspberyfool]

I have posted under another name but realised that if DH digs he will spot profile name a mile off as always use it for everything.

Background is DH left in June saying all the lines. I need time to think, its not you it's me, I haven't loved you for years etc.

After he left I begged him to come back and he then started to character assasinate me, Im fat ( I only had a baby 5 months before he left) I was still wearing maternity jeans, we never talk etc. Cut me to pieces and then said sorry and i believed him.

I found out 3 weeks ago he has a new GF been going out with her for 9 weeks. He states happened after he left as he wanted to be happy.

This week he visited the DC and was so nice and even stated that he missed me, next time he came he was vile and reduced me to tears and said that I was a head case. He tells me all about his GF and asks relationship advise and says he has no one to talk to but me about her and that he hates his whole life. The next day his life is perfect.

He is totally playing with me and I'm fed up with all the games and lies. I have caught him out on so many things. A day before I found out about GF he swore blind he did not have one.

My question to you guys is how do I stopped getting suckered in and feeling sorry for him or believing his lies. Is there set lies they all say eg i miss you, sometimes I think I have made a mistake.

Some days I'm soo good and know I'm totally better off without him, then we have a nice conversation and I miss him, once he realises I'm vulnerable he verbally attacks me and reduces me to tears or tells me all about how his GF is so much more perfect than I am.

If you got this far thanks for reading, could really do with you wisdom

I would let down your dd gently ('perhaps he's busy?') Its completely his option whether or not to contact your dd - and I wouldn't be chasing for it - its up to him. If you make sure that your dd can take a call 'if' it comes but not get her hopes up that would be ideal

Meanwhile, take advice given here - go out when he's here. If he tries to engage in conversation that doesn't relate to the children, don't be drawn in, disengage... 'I'm sorry, I don't have an opinion on that.' 'That has nothing to do with me, so I suggest you ask someone who has some interest in it' etc.

My guess is, the GF is there on Mondays and not Wednesdays and Fridays. He positively wants you to have to chase him for the call - so he can demonstrate to her what a needy old baggage you are, and keep her on the hop as well. Or she doesn't know he's married.

Do not text (I assume it's too late now anyway for him to speak to dd). Maybe something light like 'Daddy had a problem with his phone last week, didn't he? It's probably that. Never mind, we can speak to him on Wednesday' .. and distract.

If he has no one else to talk about about his new GF that is his problem.

He is clearly wrapped up in her and his kids are no longer a priority.

Stop doing his dirty work for him - calling him when he doesn't - and let him hang himself with his own bad behaviour.

If he has to come in your house at all keep it cool and business like, no sitting down with a cuppa for a cosy chat.

When she went to bed I wasn't sure what to say so I told her that daddy's phone must be playing up and he will call when it's working again. She is still in bed asleep so she must be was fine with that explaination.

I did not text him. You guys are right I am doing his dirty work for him by calling. I did wonder that maybe have stayed up there today as bank holiday Monday. I get the distinct feeling his girls come second best it's a pity as they love him so much.

Suppose time to stop thinking about him and live my life and make my girls the best ever.

Would it help if someone else were there when he visits? Would be harder for him to sucker you in.

If your house is rented then it is not his surely? It belongs to the Landlord?

Or have I got it wrong and do you own it?

Get a second legal opinion if this is a rented house. I don't think your sol is right.

Do not make calls when he doesn't call the children. It will pain you to see them expecting a call but not getting one. Better for them in the long run not to expect anything from him. Better for you also.

Whose idea were the calls anyway? If his, it was just a way of assuaging his guilty conscience or allowing him to feel he is superdad, still playing a part in the DCs' lives, and he will be very unreliable. You will find he call the DCs when he is feeling sorry for himself if the GF is not around or if they argue or she seems distracted and not stroking his ego for him, and not because of their needs.

How often has he managed to keep to the call schedule?

If he tries leaning on you for relationship advice (WTF?) tell him you are not his best friend and will not be providing any kind of agony aunt services for him and then keep on shaking your head and refusing to be drawn in. 'This is not my problem' is another good one.

If he insults you or belittles you tell him 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and turn your back to him. Again, 'that is not my problem' might shut him up. Keep on repeating.

Like Izzy said, he can join all the other Saturday dads in McDs or use his imagination to find somewhere else but he absolutely does not have to be there in the house. A 7 month old baby shouldn't really be part of visitation anyway - how did that happen?

He left so it's up to him to sort out accommodation that's suitable - his choice.

If he talks about his relationships just say 'that's not really any of my business' and repeat. Resist the temptation to know what's going on in his life - it's very upsetting when someone who dumped you waffles on about his new love. And it's meant to be - don't fall for it - disengage.

If you can't do no contact do low contact. Do housework if he is there and you can't get out. It's harder to engage you in mind games when you are running around with a pile of washing or doing the ironing - leave jobs for when he there - and focus on them. Go for a shower/bath/lie down and talk to him from behind the locked door. It puts distance/a barrier between you (good) and making funny faces are optional With practice you can be in the same room - and not present for their emotional strikes. He is there to see the children always remember that - he is not your partner anymore - his choice.

Don't feel guilty - do you think he does?

Lastly, check out websites on abusive relationships as you might need to do some work on yourself so that you don't end up with another selfish git in your life!

One of the saddest things I've experienced (and seen so much on here) is that so many dads (not all) actually find it really quite easy to detatch from their children after they've left - even when they're fully aware of what it is doing to the poor mites. You wonder how these dads sleep at night. And don't they miss their babies? Obviously not much.

I wish I had a quid for every time I made excuses for dd's dad (he's busy, he must be tired, of course he loves you sweetheart, etc) - it would be more than I ever got in maintenance...

These kind of blokes usually end up pretty bitter and lonely in their old age. You've done your best. Maybe it's time to lower your expectations of him

Your last sentence is the right way of thinking I reckon - and as your lovely girls grow older they'll get it.

I'm going to call my solicitor tomorrow and discuss my options re visitation. The calls and seeing both girls was his choice. He asked for it in the beginning. He says he still wants to see both girls and call DD1 3 times a week, but I think he is starting to want to have less contact as interfering with his new life.

I have done a lot of soul searching when he left and I know that I am a shadow of the girls I was 15 years ago. I know I need time to become happy with myself again and rebuild my self confidence.

thanks for all your help. I'm off for a glass of wine and to watch new tricks ( i'm recording it) this is something I could never do when he was here.

I havent read any of the forum, only the OP.
If you want to continue to chat to him when he picks the child(ren) up for amicable reasons, then when he says hurtful this, after hes gone write down what he said about u in bullet points so its easy, quick reading.

Write down ALL the nasty things he says, next time he comes to the door, before he arrives, read what you have written about what he says, then its fresh in your mind and your then least likely to believe any "nice" things he says, as your still reeling from what you have just read.

Good for you, raspberryfool; time to put yourself first, now the kids are in bed :).

Hope it goes well with your solicitor tomorrow and I can only echo what everyone else has said, about keeping contact to a minimum. I have made the mistake of allowing STBXH (can I still call him that even though I haven't filed for divorce yet?!) in, mainly as he left so many jobs unfinished, only to have to listen to him moaning about how hard it is for him, juggling two lifestyles (on an income of £4000 net a month, may I add!)

if I could say one word to you that sums all of this situation up it would be disengage

stop enabling his relationship with his dc...it is his problem

stop being his listening ear...his fuckup of a life is his problem

stop letting him mess with your head...if you don't let him in, he cannot do it

disengage

I agree with mathanxiety and anyfucker. disengage, and don't get into phone calls. you'll be on edge permanently.

i can't believe he told you you were fat, five months after having a baby and then looked for 'relationship advice' . Relationship advice!!!!!!

I have spoken to solicitor regarding access And I have to speak to landlord to get his name removed of the tenancy.

She advised to do that after divorce is finalized as at the moment he is accepting all points in divorce. and as it has been filed as adultery it all should be finalized very quickly.
The solicitor said he sounding like he is deliberately causing issues. she advise me like you did to stop all contact except regarding the girls. He called today early And I just passed the phone to dd1 then just hung up when she had finished .
I think like 1 lady said I'm just going to have to my lower my expectations of him and I will not be disappointed. thanks for the good advice girls this no contacting will be hard but it's the only way forward.

Good for you, raspberry. Stay strong.

That's the spirit!

If you are unfortunate enough to get the agony aunt line again say- 'I don't know why you are asking advice from me........it has taken me years to see what an absolute shit/prick/scrot bag ( choose favourite insult......I like cock end) you are......'

Then saunter out the door/ put the phone down.

Bet that stops the little turd repeating.

If he turns on the charm a quick 'quit with your bullshit it's making me nauseous' should remedy the situation promptly.

Repeat as necessary. He is a loathsome maggot.

Someone mentioned this briefly, but if you have to be around, listen to audio book or music. Then sit outside, clean drawers, wash windows, anything but listen to him.

hey RF found you I said good old MN would give you lots of advice. You are doing tremendously well in RL and you have us to support you, I can always come round for a coffee if you want the next time visitation is due ? Keep smiling and think of our girls night out soon

Hello rl friend so :)
well i got the divorce petition in my hand seems so horrible in black and white .
Spoke to stbxh to check he agreed with terms and he started crying and saying how bad his weekend was as he was so upset.
He has messed with my head again. Im still filling the papers. Does it sound like poor him routine to you again.

the threats of suicide thing is quite common i think - ignore it, he chose to leave sod him

Does it sound like poor him routine to you again.

Yes of course it does. He has nothing to lose by heaping more emotional pressure on to you. This is the reason you're being advised not to have contact with him :) (Although in fairness I assume you actually did need to make the call today?)

Yes had to speak to him today as can not afforded him to contest things. Will be so glad when divorce over then he has no physical hold over me.
I ignored the poor me routine shows he still only thinking about himself.

Good for you Raspberry. You are right about the selfishness and right to not take the bait in any way.

It does all look so stark when you see it in a legal document but one day you will see it all as a dot on the horizon.